it was a good day today. My mood is okay. Evrything works fine. Evrything looks good. Evrything goes well. Shes happy. Im happy too. I came back to here.
Because thats my heart says. If i try to leave her it seems i die slowly and its very painful. Now im afraid becaus im an option. I want to forget evrything. I Dont want it to remembr all that desasters last few weeks. It upsets me. I want to live hapy. i need Freedom.
Lunch time. Im not in the mood to eat lunch. I ddnt try to ask my driver to buy my lunch i dont care about myself anymore. I want to feel the pain. I want to hurt myself. Why me? Why she choose me to suffer? Why me?
This is my stupid face after the long fuckin night convrsation. I slept late. I cant get over it.
I cant believe shes chatting with another guy that she found in the chatango chatrom and they moved to yaho mesenger then they see each others face to face video calls.
I felt my heart squezing, its tearing me apart and i cried for it and she had seen my eyes wept between her eyes. She doesnt feel my burden inside. She didnt feel my heartaches. My heart broken into pieces, shes stubing me on my back no mercy.
By the way, Shes not finish yet with her one night stand mate that she dated december 16 2010, i dont know whats hapendto them. I dont know what there setup. she ignored me in that topic.
I am very sad and low, im not feeling beter, i wil not gona feel better til im stil staying here in saudi arabia. I luv my work and am hapy with it. But the problem is i always felin fuckin homesick. I felt so much hate with myself bcoz i cant do anything, its seems that i just let it happened, and i didnt make any moves to stog it. Im a shame to myself. Ive done nothing. Whay me.?
4:57pm Time to go now, time to go to my silent room. While waiting for other people to come, i still kept thinkin about the past.
I stand next to the car, starting to write this lit thought that not so quite important. The weather is cold i feel the air touched my skin, like my life, so sad and boring, and no love and no place to go, no plans ahead.
Life is cold, my head is heavy. I cant avoid to think. Im stil depresd, Not in the mood all day. My world is geting smaller.
My friend called me on my mobile inviting me to play basketball. I havent play basketbal since last year oct 2010, i didnt think twice, i agreed to play for a change so i could not think about her.
ill not play full strength. Just an excercise. Need to fit my body a bit. Anyway i hav no words to say. Im signing off.
Sleepless night, this is the only one of those days that i was thinking over and over again that she cheated me on Dec 16. 2010. I'm still living on the past. It happens again. I cant believe it that shes done it to me again.
I thought she was changed by the mercy and grace of god. But i don't know how could it happen. Theirs a lot of questions in my mind. And haven't answered yet.
Is she really luv me? Why does shes keep on cheating me. Why She cheat me all the time. I know shes afraid to tel me and tell me the truth. Because if she admit that shes having an affair to David that's the end of it. No regret. Its all over.
This is the first blog for 2011. don't know where to start. No mo meaning to write a blog for a while rigth now, i don’t have any idea where to begin. There's so much on my mind, I want to get lose all of it. so much has happened last year, lots of mistake has been done, lots of tears falls down. now it's written on the past. it just overwhelmed in my head. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being a fuckin' slave to the thoughts that I always keep in my head. The depression, the insecurities, they hold me back from being me. I just want it to stop. Stop to think negatives thoughts.
I want to be happy, once in a while, I cant get through it. My relationship with her I don’t know what it seems, i dont know which place i belong in her heart. It has been really hard on me lately. Just because i've been letting my thoughts run wild and getting worse and worse. I need someone to talk to. I need a friend. I don't have any, not even one, only her. Don't get me wrong I'm glad I have her, I wouldn't give her up for the world, she's my everything, although she was cheating on me. I hate her. but I do still love her, I know it is insane, but someday I know I can handle to stop it. i can get over it. perhaps at the moment I cant find someone much more likely better than her.