I can't be better

Day 265

Last night, i moaned myself to sleep... i felt like every thing's flooding on me... I felt that I can't be better, a few weeks ago, i was in a pleasant state... everything felt okay... nah!.. not every thing's okay, just a few days then... but i could face off with everything... i just need to get out for a little while then i could come back and fight all out...

I'd look forward on Fridays... I need a change, now, I'm feeling all the tension... all the stress... every thing's not good... but of course, i assured them I'll be fine... I'll be fine... not as happy but I'll get through this... i wish it just ignored me online... and did not delete me like that... i wish she realized I'm going thru pain and stress, and what she would do it’s a big question...

it was too sensitive to her... i really thought she knew me... what i did, what i do, what I'm going thru... i thought, at the very least ... to care for me even just as a person she used to laugh with, but... she didn't care about my feelings , it was something special... she didn't care if I'm hurting now coz i have to face the real thing... she just didn't care... why would she, sad... i know i cant be better.

my mood: 5.9/10.

tiny white lie

Day 264

I am so frustrated, pissed, upset, and depressed. I mean, I just have to fuck everything up, don't I? Ever since I know I was a curse, I've been a mess, but after all of the confusion, i hardly know what to do with myself anymore. I mean, I don't know who to trust. I went off now. Ive got the final decision.

but I feel so bad, when I did it and I think I really hurt her feelings, even though I know she will never admit that. I guess it’s been triggered something in me and since I have so much stress when I went off, and I just exploded.

I really shouldn’t do that, and I never think twice. i know i hurts her feelings and so do I, but I should have to do it for her own sake because I know she has a lot of responsibility, and she can't get away with it… And on top of that, I think I might have lost a really someone special.

I know she lied, and even though it was a tiny white lie, but that still really pissed me off (or upset me...I’m not really sure which) but she was one of the best and i feel like things will never be the same again…

My mood: 5.0/10.

text

day 263

Aargh!!! Damn…am late! when I woke up this morning, i jumped out of the bed, thinking i need to do a lot of stuff at work ive got lots of pending jobs… but those text early morning pissed me off and i've been so much worried about my life.. i was wondering what I am going to do now... the text thing that I wasn’t expecting…

whatda!.. fuck things happen to me... ive got a bad day…. Ive got lots worries in my head and I need to jot it down before it went off… i'm not supposed to read those unconcerned text...it pissed me off early morning at 4:30 am... my thoughts has blocked out, I can't think too much… my mood changed, I need to forgot and erased everything in my life.. I need to do something... this is it. 

I don’t want to think this way… i dont wanted to just to stay under the sheets... and do nothing all day... but i need to work... i need to do the stuff in the office, i need to work... i have to be busy... to forget all things out.. i am damn! pissed off and frustrated! grrr!

my mood: 7.5/10.