No mo meaning

This is the first blog for 2011. don't know where to start. No mo meaning to write a blog for a while rigth now, i don’t have any idea where to begin. There's so much on my mind, I want to get lose all of it. so much has happened last year, lots of mistake has been done, lots of tears falls down. now it's written on the past. it just overwhelmed in my head. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being a fuckin' slave to the thoughts that I always keep in my head. The depression, the insecurities, they hold me back from being me. I just want it to stop. Stop to think negatives thoughts.

I want to be happy, once in a while, I cant get through it. My relationship with her I don’t know what it seems, i dont know which place i belong in her heart. It has been really hard on me lately. Just because i've been letting my thoughts run wild and getting worse and worse. I need someone to talk to. I need a friend. I don't have any, not even one, only her. Don't get me wrong I'm glad I have her, I wouldn't give her up for the world, she's my everything, although she was cheating on me. I hate her. but I do still love her, I know it is insane, but someday I know I can handle to stop it. i can get over it. perhaps at the moment I cant find someone much more likely better than her.

My mood: 6.5/10.

HIV

Whew!!! i know It's been a long time since i wrote a blog about my life as day leaps another day..

So now, im back. but where would i start? I guess i made it already CHEATER and as i am writing this blog.. im sitting here on my bed.. listening to the song that i made and i upload it in youtube and of course it fits my current life..

thinking of what else of to do next... kinda lonely.. remembering the girl i used to love so truly and cheated me a several times before it's already over..the girl who gave me reason to be careful of my heart next time... the girl who wasted my love and trust...

i never thought could be this complicated at very moment.. she cheated with me.. replacing me with a guy that she don’t even know, she just met him only at the pub, grrrr... i wish she acquire HIV.. ohh god.. you may think it's absurd but..i took the pain for almost 3 months in the last time she cheated me... our relationship end up with nothing but lies...

im trying to smile now..im learning more.. im always hurt.. im always left.. i feel so alone..

now, im scared to love again..but who knows? im still young and could find someone better than her..

I guess that i should keep myself busy.. i wanna start a new life without her.

i want to forget my sorrow..and hope things will get better..sooner or later.. cheater! Lier!

my mood: 8.9/10.

Related articles

• Ethiopia-Health: Five-year plan to halve new HIV infections (conversationswiththelivingofficial.wordpress.com)
• HIV/AIDS Awareness Day (conversationswiththelivingofficial.wordpress.com)
• National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day (sassncurlz.com)
• South Africa: Opportunity for HIV Prevention That Works (conversationswiththelivingofficial.wordpress.com)
• We Have To Realize We Are Building A Movement - HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW CAMPAIGN (jeffthoghts.wordpress.com)
• HIV quietly skyrockets in Burma (conversationswiththelivingofficial.wordpress.com)
• DCH initiative aims to decrease HIV rates among African-American women (conversationswiththelivingofficial.wordpress.com)
• Research suggests HIV-infected patients at higher risk for bone fractures (physorg.com)
• National Women & Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day (nlm.nih.gov)
• National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day (hrcbackstory.org)

no more counting days

no more counting days... there is always days for tomorrow...

another day have just passed me by... no more tears... i leave everything behind... thats why i didnt post a blog for a month..

another day gone.,., never to come back.,., another day wasted., and yet to be rested.,., im so frustrated that another day come away., without me noticing it.,. i've done nothing to stop it., ive done nothing to make it somewhat different to the rest of the days that passed me by.,,. i just sit at my work and do the job that suppose to be done.

now writing again here in front of this freakin' computer.,,., i've been here.,., alone.,.without anyone noticing that i've been here,., guess they just don't care.,. sometimes.,.. crazy ideas crept in my mind,.,.

now im okay.. feeling better...

 my mood: 1.5/10

I didn’t get her Idea

day 296

I don’t know what my best friend up to..?! I didn’t get her Idea.. she don’t want me.... but she was still keep calling me, email.. leave message on facebook and chatting on YM… she doesn’t say anything good but only hatred… she just want to voice out her feelings with me.. because I cheated her… and i know.. she's in pain.... she cant accept the thing that i've cheated her.. i have my reasons and she doesnt understand it..... but i trully love her... she's the one for me... i already give up my girlfriend and i want her to stay with me...

anyway, I said sorry….. and she said…. She already forgive me but the cut leaves a mark… that’s why she don’t want to stop talking.. arguing with me till she don’t felt satisfy with my answers.. she’s freakin me out… everyday… I feel sad and down she wasn’t forgive me yet…. She cant accept it….

my mood: 6.5/10.

i’ve been cheating

day 295

Every day I'm trying to do my best to jot down the thoughts that flows daily.... but sometimes i cant… I don't even know where to start. I haven't been writing at all much lately. i don't know why I cant write much.. I'm down… and pretty sad for what was happening to me in the past few days.

she’s leaving me… and I felt there is no turning back… she hated me so much… I know it was my fault…. I cheated them… and I accepted it.. and they cant forgive me… and I'm losing them both… now I'm not cleaning my room its totally mess up... life my life its totallly mess up.. Everything is not well organized. i just don't care anymore. it took me weeks to see my bedroom floor because what's the point right?

I cant believe that though it was only online relationship you will fall in love as well I never knew that… I'm deeply inlove with her but the problem is she just came late… I had a girl friend before she exist… but what the hell am I doing.. why i entertained her…. I should not let her step in into my life… and now I fall in love with her and she's my best friend… and I want to spend my days with her….

Its too hard to accept that both girls they know already… my best friend and my girlfriend they know that i’ve been cheating them…

my mood: 7.5/10

it just disappeared

day 294

I have something so desperately? well i do!! something that i used to be, something like to be loved... but then just a click of time it just disappeared right into my eyes...

I've been thinking, what have i done wrong? then i figured out the answer..i didn’t know that it will come to an end that's why i didn’t take good care of it...but then i realize that iv'e been too care free and sometimes took advantage of it...

now that i've lost it, i don't go out like i used to. ive been avoiding my friends, i lost my confidence.

but then i'm still praying to God to give me another chance to have it again...and i promise to take good care of it like my life would depend on it!!!

my mood: 6.7/10.

running a fever

day 293

I go to work today... i woke up running a fever and a splitting headache.. while I'm at the office I cant work properly... i want to go back to sleep, but I cant....yet I wish I didn’t came to work today…. It's to think that love is really depressing ... I cant clean my room now a days.. I'm not eating properly... I feel that I'm going to die… i want to lock myself at the closet… forever... so nobody could see me down..

I feel alone… my blogs cant help… I'm just writing all my rants and my depressing thoughts it doesn’t help….. I need to talk to for someone… but I guess there’s nobody wants to talk to me… i didnt remember when the last time i've been happy... im feel sick and nobody's around me... i want to go home.. to where i live..im just wasting my time here.. nobody cares...

my mood: 5.6/10.

She doesn’t really love me

Day 292

I don’t know why I don’t have a great day... heavy hearts, heavy feelings.. depressed.. love wasn’t good at me… it so hard for me to have it… I don’t have any luck at it… God it was so depressing..., I felt that I'm goin crazy.

i had a bad conversation with her always…. me and I has always had a bad arguments I thinking it we cant get through all of these…. Fuck…. She’s fucking freak me out… I always see her comments to the other guy…. But even one comment at my wall you will not read it… damn…. I feel shit… I know from the start she just only playin aroung at me she’s not real…. She doesn’t really love me… I'm tired… I give up..

anyway she don’t love me at all.

my mood: 7.8/10.

didn't feel alright

Day 291

it's past midnight again... and yet, again, i still can't sleep... i went to youtube... I watch all of my music I just created… it looks fine... I listened to it, again… again and again..... I want to feel the music that I heard thinking that im there at the very moment…, i was at 2am already when I glance at the clock... I consume all my time just listening for my music videos that i created..... a full day I am sad and feeling alone feeline... besides, i didn't feel alright all the time since… she left me.... she always keep on thinkin about her pain…

but how about me.. !? I feel the pain as well, i'm getting these bouts of headache again... as a matter of fact, im having it now... and some fever... i guess, triggered by stress and emotions... the red light is turned on again... if i ever black out, then i'm gonna have to see the doctor... oh i hate it... it would mean another round of medications once more... i've been out of meds for more than a 8 months now...i hate my depression… i hope it doesn't come back... oh the pain that comes with it... too much... oh please no more needles...

My mood:7.6/10.

one of those days

Day 290

It was another one of those days today. Everything seemed out of place...and everyone figured I was just in a bad mood. I find myself having these days more often. I don't ask for them, they just happen. And I find myself going home, wishing I could take back everything I did that day. But it's not like it's a mystery, I know exactly what causes it all.

Oh but it doesn't really matter does it? I'm sitting here talking to myself. How much lower can I go? I bet someone can find a way to push me further though. They always seem to know all the little things that can tear at my dignity. But they're so oblivious, what with their personal lives and all. They don't realize how hard they step on me. I don't know why I bother anymore. I am talking, but none is listening. I've gotten used to this feeling......being alone......

I guess u become numb to it after a while.

My mood:7.5/10.

love moves in mysterious way

day 289

With a smile

day 288

Friday morning

day 287

Friday morning I woke up early 5:30 am, I'm doing this every Friday just to play my game, basketball… me and my friends always arrived at the gym early because we don’t want to play at the second game.

The gym open at 6:30am and we are already on the front door… waiting for the time to open… I stayed at the gym for almost half of the day…. So it takes a long hours… staying there just playin and do chatting while waiting for the next game… although I am at my leisure time I always thinking about what I was worrying about every time… It never comes into my head that it will happen… I know there is another problem to be consider on her side and thats why we can't get wed this year… and and its not in the list of our plan...

however, because of the custody of her children… she postponed the wedding… I can't do anything about it just to understand her…. and I always kept on thinking about it every day since she started to open up to me….

I feel the sadness for the past few days… and she’s freakin me out....

my mood: 6.7/10.

heavy feeling

day 286

Thursday, I woke up late with a heavy feeling this morning…. I am always worried about all the disappointmen I had inside me, the feeling that I can't let it out…coz everything’s turn out wrong… I felt that my spirit is isn't connected to the rest of my body... it was like having a very bad day, I felt lost and lonely... I hate it when I am feelin like this.

I am not able to sleep well till 2:00 a.m every day... i miss the happiness, I miss the laughing thing when I am with her, I miss everything.

Anyway, i'm still not sleepy yet, i can go online... chat.. surf... anything to be busy... i'm getting so tired of being sad... i wanna start being happy... i know there are a lot of stuffs to be sad and stressful about... but i'm leaving them for some time and concentrate on being happy for a while... i'll just go back to those when i have to..... I just need to put something that I could make myself busy till I close my eyes…. tomorrow is another day...

my mood: 5.5/10.

the month of my birthday

day 285

All I can see is disappointments, I really don’t like the month of may.... the month of my birthday.… everything is a totally crap… i don’t more I could do… I'm losing my will to fight… I don’t know when these will be over… I am not enough or even close, I'm pretty tired, my best is never good enough, there’s nothing I do is right.

Because all I do is disappoint…. Everything is turnout totally failure… I'm losing hope, I know I can't win this fight, So tired of being second option…. I never been good..

my mood: 7.8/10.

horrors of love

day 284

Its absolutely turns out pretty different as i planned i never thought the plans was changed i hate it.... its turn out to be totally different, it turns out totally ugly...

now i dont know where to go.. its Like you never knew where it really end. Now, when you think you're in love with this person then the situation turns ugly. You not only feel betrayed but you're disgusted with your feelings and everything that happened between you was a shame.

You can't help but feel hatred, anger, loneliness. In most cases you can't find the upside to this situation becasue it's not there. i felt that i don't exist. i never been a priority.. 

Now moving on is the tricky thing because the betrayal, the inability to trust is there and the only way for it to go away is to find trustworthiness somewhere else, which in most cases won't happen or takes time to happen.

Life isn't a fairy tale where fairies are magical and the princess and prince charming are total asshole. the real life is a hell hole filled with crapshoots and boobietraps.

there's No love anymore. i know there is another problem will exist... I've been waiting for it for months to let that out, now that I had see it.. i can move on from the horrors of "love", Nothing good has come from it for me. 

6.5/10.

oh Monday

Day 283

The world is not enough… my mind is full of shit… there is nothing seems okay… this Monday.. oh Monday.. on my mind to day so much stuff that I could say it out.. I need to vent it out..

There is so much on image on rushing through my mind i want it to stop i want to cut it out damn I hate myself.... I want to stop everything.. wanna destroy everything... I'm just pretty darn sad… i want everything to just stop all over again..... I can't sleep and i haven’t slept in so long.. i feel like a zombie… a dead man walking… I'm so dead n im soo tired...

but I need to sleep.. i rather need to sleep forever... I need to take mo sleeping pill just to knock down myself..

my mood: 5.5/10.

I can tell you nice things

day 282

I walked at the street to home and while walking my tummy felt hungry i remember that i wasnt eat my lunch yet, then I went to catering for my dinner catching the restaurant before it close for prayer…anyway, just I sat for a minute the waiter asked me and he said “why you are not smiling, you always comes here and you just eat and go?” then I replied to him “I am not that type of person that always smile all the time…but I can tell you nice things…” then he said ”well okay then… enjoy your dinner..” I said ”you’re welcome… alligator.." i whispered... file://yess/.. that was nice reply...

my mood: 4.6/10.

send email in the universe

day 281

There were days I know I'm not quite what I am expected to myself... I always look up at the sky and ask that if I can send email outside the universe… and let my thoughts float in the empty space…

it could be possible in the near future that humans can send email on mars or any other planets that support life..?! I believe life exist in the other planets.. more advance than ours… more intelligent.. than humans…

anyway I really like to send email or to send text messages at the outer space or at the nearest galaxy… can we do that? Perhaps when that happens I know I'm pretty damn dead…starting from today it counts…

it just an idea …

Happy Birthday!

day 280- part 2

happy birthday to myself!. Enjoy? Happy? supposed to be. this is supposed to be my day... everybody may greet me. but if you don't, none of those will matter. this is the saddest birthday i had. How I will make it better? i didnt even buy a fucking cake! nobody even wants to talk to me... they only just greet and leave...

i miss you so much. if you only knew. thank you for this day. I hope it will get better.

my mood: 6.7/10.