I didn’t get her Idea

day 296

I don’t know what my best friend up to..?! I didn’t get her Idea.. she don’t want me.... but she was still keep calling me, email.. leave message on facebook and chatting on YM… she doesn’t say anything good but only hatred… she just want to voice out her feelings with me.. because I cheated her… and i know.. she's in pain.... she cant accept the thing that i've cheated her.. i have my reasons and she doesnt understand it..... but i trully love her... she's the one for me... i already give up my girlfriend and i want her to stay with me...

anyway, I said sorry….. and she said…. She already forgive me but the cut leaves a mark… that’s why she don’t want to stop talking.. arguing with me till she don’t felt satisfy with my answers.. she’s freakin me out… everyday… I feel sad and down she wasn’t forgive me yet…. She cant accept it….

my mood: 6.5/10.

i’ve been cheating

day 295

Every day I'm trying to do my best to jot down the thoughts that flows daily.... but sometimes i cant… I don't even know where to start. I haven't been writing at all much lately. i don't know why I cant write much.. I'm down… and pretty sad for what was happening to me in the past few days.

she’s leaving me… and I felt there is no turning back… she hated me so much… I know it was my fault…. I cheated them… and I accepted it.. and they cant forgive me… and I'm losing them both… now I'm not cleaning my room its totally mess up... life my life its totallly mess up.. Everything is not well organized. i just don't care anymore. it took me weeks to see my bedroom floor because what's the point right?

I cant believe that though it was only online relationship you will fall in love as well I never knew that… I'm deeply inlove with her but the problem is she just came late… I had a girl friend before she exist… but what the hell am I doing.. why i entertained her…. I should not let her step in into my life… and now I fall in love with her and she's my best friend… and I want to spend my days with her….

Its too hard to accept that both girls they know already… my best friend and my girlfriend they know that i’ve been cheating them…

my mood: 7.5/10

it just disappeared

day 294

I have something so desperately? well i do!! something that i used to be, something like to be loved... but then just a click of time it just disappeared right into my eyes...

I've been thinking, what have i done wrong? then i figured out the answer..i didn’t know that it will come to an end that's why i didn’t take good care of it...but then i realize that iv'e been too care free and sometimes took advantage of it...

now that i've lost it, i don't go out like i used to. ive been avoiding my friends, i lost my confidence.

but then i'm still praying to God to give me another chance to have it again...and i promise to take good care of it like my life would depend on it!!!

my mood: 6.7/10.

running a fever

day 293

I go to work today... i woke up running a fever and a splitting headache.. while I'm at the office I cant work properly... i want to go back to sleep, but I cant....yet I wish I didn’t came to work today…. It's to think that love is really depressing ... I cant clean my room now a days.. I'm not eating properly... I feel that I'm going to die… i want to lock myself at the closet… forever... so nobody could see me down..

I feel alone… my blogs cant help… I'm just writing all my rants and my depressing thoughts it doesn’t help….. I need to talk to for someone… but I guess there’s nobody wants to talk to me… i didnt remember when the last time i've been happy... im feel sick and nobody's around me... i want to go home.. to where i live..im just wasting my time here.. nobody cares...

my mood: 5.6/10.

She doesn’t really love me

Day 292

I don’t know why I don’t have a great day... heavy hearts, heavy feelings.. depressed.. love wasn’t good at me… it so hard for me to have it… I don’t have any luck at it… God it was so depressing..., I felt that I'm goin crazy.

i had a bad conversation with her always…. me and I has always had a bad arguments I thinking it we cant get through all of these…. Fuck…. She’s fucking freak me out… I always see her comments to the other guy…. But even one comment at my wall you will not read it… damn…. I feel shit… I know from the start she just only playin aroung at me she’s not real…. She doesn’t really love me… I'm tired… I give up..

anyway she don’t love me at all.

my mood: 7.8/10.

didn't feel alright

Day 291

it's past midnight again... and yet, again, i still can't sleep... i went to youtube... I watch all of my music I just created… it looks fine... I listened to it, again… again and again..... I want to feel the music that I heard thinking that im there at the very moment…, i was at 2am already when I glance at the clock... I consume all my time just listening for my music videos that i created..... a full day I am sad and feeling alone feeline... besides, i didn't feel alright all the time since… she left me.... she always keep on thinkin about her pain…

but how about me.. !? I feel the pain as well, i'm getting these bouts of headache again... as a matter of fact, im having it now... and some fever... i guess, triggered by stress and emotions... the red light is turned on again... if i ever black out, then i'm gonna have to see the doctor... oh i hate it... it would mean another round of medications once more... i've been out of meds for more than a 8 months now...i hate my depression… i hope it doesn't come back... oh the pain that comes with it... too much... oh please no more needles...

My mood:7.6/10.

one of those days

Day 290

It was another one of those days today. Everything seemed out of place...and everyone figured I was just in a bad mood. I find myself having these days more often. I don't ask for them, they just happen. And I find myself going home, wishing I could take back everything I did that day. But it's not like it's a mystery, I know exactly what causes it all.

Oh but it doesn't really matter does it? I'm sitting here talking to myself. How much lower can I go? I bet someone can find a way to push me further though. They always seem to know all the little things that can tear at my dignity. But they're so oblivious, what with their personal lives and all. They don't realize how hard they step on me. I don't know why I bother anymore. I am talking, but none is listening. I've gotten used to this feeling......being alone......

I guess u become numb to it after a while.

My mood:7.5/10.

Just down

day 274

So the last few days I ve been feeling like total crap. Just down, totally tired.... but I always kept my thoughts jot down. I know it will help me things out inside my chest it has helped me to feel better. In my life right now I really dont have any closest friends…. I don’t have everything in here, I live alone. nothing could express my true feelings. Sometimes I just need someone to say all the things I want to hear and not tough love.

I m trying to make changes in my life to help me grow. But I think I failed. I don’t know how to be better me. I work 6 days a week, long hours, I gain nothing just for my food. I know I don’t have any future life ahead in here. I'm tired. but still there is something Is missing for me. anyway writing my rants will help me get it out and feel better instead of just keeping it all in.

my mood: 3.5/10.

keep goin

day 273

I don’t know what to say now… I guess I lost words to say. I must keep on goin, life It just keeps on going, but why I can't keep going, I can't keep this mind of mine under control. In fact I feel like I have so little of me or my life under control that it is scary. I think I am travelling along ok only to find out that this isn't the case at all. maybe again I am failing. This hurts. It hurts so much.

my mood: 3.5/10.

it’s all my mistake

day 262

Today, i am at work... I don’t know what to say but every day this damn question always bothers me….haaaaaaay! why do i feel like you hate me so much? why do you hate me? did I say or do something that I harm you?! why you're always mean towards me…and yet you say you’re not and that there are no harsh feelings. But you always pick up every negative words I said?

i'm starting to feel more and more distant towards you but I will say sorry, even though for you there is no sense no mo. and now i will always feel like it was my fault and then feel bad about it all in the end and it’s all my mistake…

if I talked regarding about their self, it will bounce on me they don’t want their issues to be open and talked about… and then again it will end up.. it’s my fault. I end up loser because they will goes offline. And never talked to me again.

Anyway it just a rants nothings personal…

My mood: 6.5/10.

meet the technician

Day 261

Last night I didn't sleep well, . I didn't really move either. Too much on my mind, too much to worry about. Too afraid to lose that little piece of happiness she gave me. I'm afraid to lose contact to her.

yesterday afternoon, I arrived pretty tired and sad because I don’t have my laptop to play with, I don’t know what to do if I don’t have it… i felt alone… and that’s the only thing made me felt happy every day. I took shower and go to the gym to play basketball, I'm still pretty damn down… I miss my laptop… I miss to see her every morning… I hope she miss me too…

after I finished my practice… I went direct to the shop to meet the technician… and he said there is another problem occurred… the fan affecting the processor heat sink… grrr… damn I guess it will cut me mo money… anyway I told him to fix it and I will return tomorrow to collect my laptop tonight… then I went to the net shop to publish all my save blogs that I made for the last couple days in my work every morning..

Grrrrr….

My mood: 7.5/10.

photo manipulation

Day 205

been slacking with my Mp3 and see some of my photos then it comes to my idea that I want it to manipulate, you know just for fan. So here it goes.

My mood: 3.5/10

robots have feelings too

day 204

i really dont know whats happening to me today but i really feel bad, i feel im being dump. perhaps she thinks im a robot and dont have any feeling but robots have feelings too...

my mood:4.5/10.

catastrophe

Day 203

I really don’t know what happen to our world today, something quite strange is goin on, they said that global warming isn’t real, it was a scam. But I don’t know why this things happening, anyway I just wanna keep my prayers to all men, women and children’s that have been hit by these natural calamities.

first this year was Haiti. Now, Chile and Hawaii are in trouble. I will extend my prayer for those people who has lost their love ones, May the Lord protect the men and women in these troubled times and help the families to heal the wound from their heart.

I hope it’s not yet a sign for the revelation that has been written in the bible.

my mood: 2.6/10.

In my room

day 202

Friday, house works, nothing change for my Friday routine, it was same old days, I just only doin house works, wash my laundry and take some nap, have some chat for a while.

sitting here tonight, I'm always alone in my room, listening to my tutorial, sometimes I really need to upgrade my skills.. anyway, again I begin to wonder if I am trully living my life to the fullest. I'm not hanging out with my few good friends outside…. i need to be alone for sometimes.. or enjoying myself alone time in my room?I need to move forward, i don’t want to be alone forever...

I try to make the best of every situation and I always look for the best in every situation and the best in people, but is that really enough I know its not enough, and I am very satisfied with my life as it is right now, I cant turn back time.

There have been times when I have allowed myself to cross that line and do something totally outside my comfort zone and everything has worked out fine in the end, but will it always be that way? or if I am just fine staying here at home.

The life and the culture in here is really big different. However, I feel fine staying here when I am at home,and I don’t care if I missed something if I'm not outside.., I am more safe here in the room.. no regrets…

My mood: 1.5/10.

I will keep it

day 201 - part 2

I love you every single day of my life and you make me look forward for a new day. You know that you make me feel happy all the time?!..and you always makes me laugh?! you put smile on my face and it was a good sign for me.

If this a dream I wish I will never wake up, I love you, there is no turning back, no regrets. there’s no one to blame, if I hit hard again to the ground, I will just hug it and I will keep it in my heart. and I will remember those things that you make me laugh and start to forget everything.

There are no words to express what I feel for you. one thing I know, I just fallin in love with you.

a simple love letter and another scratch from my head.

my mood: 1.5/10.

a scene in my vision

Day 201

Thursday, another day I woke up with lots of stories comes up in my mind, and I couldn’t stop it to flow, I was stunned sometimes because of the vision inside of my head that its telling me to draw it all the scene that will comes up into the picture and I don’t know how to start and I don’t know how to end it. wheeww I dont know what is this all about.

I will try everything to jot down all the vision that I will remember that flows inside my head. If I couldn’t draw or to write something about it, my mood is something very low. Anyway..here’s another scene, sorry but I only have pen to draw. I'm not an artist anymore. I just a normal guy who trying to take back my skills..

my mood: 1.5/10.

i dont get it

Day 200

Wednesday, I don't get it, for all those months that I have been blogging I never thought that I can draw and I can used my drawings as my photo blogs, I don’t get it..

I should really start to post my drawings and yet i didnt buy the real stuff for drawing..and im still using pen.. I don’t care what it's look likes.. nobody will put comment anyway..

my mood: 1.5/10.

will

day 199

Tuesday, i watch youtube cartoon animation videos and I'd been surprised because there’s a bunch of movie’s edited by other people that I thought the work of art was professional. so I’ve been Impressed and inspired to work for it.

then I remember my previous job when I was in the Philippines. The work that it’s been my hobby since i was a little boy and I love to do but I already forgot those stuff. I know I don’t have a gift but I have the will to practice. at the moment i dont have any matterials to practice. i will start from the scratch.

My mood: 1.5/10.