i still cant believe it

01.15.11

Sleepless night, this is the only one of those days that i was thinking over and over again that she cheated me on Dec 16. 2010. I'm still living on the past. It happens again. I cant believe it that shes done it to me again.

I thought she was changed by the mercy and grace of god. But i don't know how could it happen. Theirs a lot of questions in my mind. And haven't answered yet.

Is she really luv me? Why does shes keep on cheating me. Why She cheat me all the time. I know shes afraid to tel me and tell me the truth. Because if she admit that shes having an affair to David that's the end of it. No regret. Its all over.

BTW, thanks to android i can blog through mobile.

My mood:4.5/10.

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No mo meaning

This is the first blog for 2011. don't know where to start. No mo meaning to write a blog for a while rigth now, i don’t have any idea where to begin. There's so much on my mind, I want to get lose all of it. so much has happened last year, lots of mistake has been done, lots of tears falls down. now it's written on the past. it just overwhelmed in my head. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being a fuckin' slave to the thoughts that I always keep in my head. The depression, the insecurities, they hold me back from being me. I just want it to stop. Stop to think negatives thoughts.

I want to be happy, once in a while, I cant get through it. My relationship with her I don’t know what it seems, i dont know which place i belong in her heart. It has been really hard on me lately. Just because i've been letting my thoughts run wild and getting worse and worse. I need someone to talk to. I need a friend. I don't have any, not even one, only her. Don't get me wrong I'm glad I have her, I wouldn't give her up for the world, she's my everything, although she was cheating on me. I hate her. but I do still love her, I know it is insane, but someday I know I can handle to stop it. i can get over it. perhaps at the moment I cant find someone much more likely better than her.

My mood: 6.5/10.

Cheater!

Yesterday, 3:30PM I arrived in my flat, felt tired and dizzy then I slightly drop my body on my bed, to have a rest a bit. while i am in my state of  being tired i fall asleep. I woke up 11:30 PM and she pop ups in my head, she supposed to arrive in her house at this time. 

I am worried and I care about her so I tried to call her right away. But it seems she ignored it, again I tried to call her a hundred times in a different mobile number she had, and I'm disappointed she don't care to answer my phone calls. She doesn't give an effort to text me or to call me back if she's all right... or she's alive... whatever... she don't bother herself to inform me, or even got a chance to let me know what happen to  her, but she doesn't care. she doesn't care  about my feelings...  she don't love me...

anyway, I cannot do anything about it. i tried to stop her not to commit something not good or something that it might hurt me, but i cant stop her, she did it anyway...damage has been done.

I've loved you all along, i cared for you. I looked forward to being with you forever. I have a lot of dreams for us. It's my first time to be this serious in a relationship, but what have you done? you cheated on me many times...with the person you really don't know, cheap. How could you do that to me.. you broke my heart into pieces. Now don't try to fix me..I'll be in ashes... i dont know where to place myself now... lier!

and i am depressed and i cried all day.

my mood: 7.6/10.

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