Saturday, October 31, 2009

Post cards 10 - I wish you were near

Saturday, October 31, 2009 0
day 88- part 2

Today i am very happy and excited because i received a post card from baby. thanks a lot.

My mood: 1.5/10


day 88

the day after Halloween!

I can’t stand walking down the street seeing everybody dressed up going to a Halloween party, it so carry if you saw them walking in the street at night, because you’re not being able to see people’s faces coz of their masks, it scares the shit out of me.

I’m one of those people who gets nervous when somebody's walking behind them on a normal day so u can probably imagine what I’m like on Halloween. Those people wearing mask like Ghosts and goblins, witches and more, things on Halloween, have scared me before. But why would I lie, saying that I won't be scared on Halloween night since that haunted house gave me a fright I used to believe that scary things weren't real. until that monster, ate my best friend as a meal when I was kid playing ghost haunting.

Now I believe, in all things possible, and I watch out on that one spooky night, so that I, won't be gobbled up in the no light.

That’s why I always keep my lights on at night on my bed time.


My mood: 2.0/10

wedding day

Day 87 - part 2

I Never saw my face happier in all my life. I wrapped her arms around me, kissing her cheek, as i said to her always. well, I will always love you for the rest of my life. I am so happy being with her every day and it was happened during our vacation on April 2009.

I hope after our wedding she will not going back to the heart of her hometown so fast, I hope she would stayed more time to spent next year before she would go back home to England after the wedding. I know I will gonna terribly miss her a lot.

Because, just for now it’s quite hard being apart from here, I can’t imagine, I’d never before felt a pain as the one I did now, but I am happier inside my heart, I felt my life was over sometimes if I felt I am being alone and depressed. sometimes I felt my love was over and It would never be the same again, it just happened if my panic attack arose anytime. I don’t like it, i cant control over it...

the only memory I had of her was our vacation last April 2009, it was my happier times with her. And were not lucky because there was no baby growing inside of her. anyway, I wander if I can catch her soul and put a silver chain around her arms, I love here so much I don’t want her to go away with me.

God’s always with me and he will help me on my wedding day. And I will be there at the church.

My mood: 2.5/10

Friday, October 30, 2009

IPod music

Friday, October 30, 2009 0
Day 87

It’s a great Friday! I felt okay, and I felt better for the new day, I switched on my IPod music and go to my favorites to listen for a good song that my ears are easily to catch. anyway i also have a great day talking to my baby, and she's very supportive, caring and sweet. i really love talking to her all day.

I am usually listening with my IPod to uplift my mood. Now I am totally addicted to my IPod its really weird but totally awesome at the same time, I am always listening to it every day.

Sometimes I never have the ear phones out of my ears and it’s so loud if I am listening with it. I don’t want to lower it down always. I have it up full blast lol or ill go deaf, I can’t hear no one that is talking to me which can be kind of bad but like I can block out the people I know they hate me.

good morning.

My mood: 1.9/10

why my time wasted?

Day 86 - part 3

Today, I got home late, I had a lot of paper works to finish before I left my work, it’s pretty tiring Thursday. anyway while we were on the road the driver asked to himself. and he was staring at me…

he said, “why my time wasted?”. I tried to reply. but I thought that it's a simple question to answer but when I repeat the question to myself “why my time wasted?”, then i said. " you should answer your own question, i don't know your timeline."

anyway, it’s a tough question to answer.” I murmured to myself. Then I paused, and I didn't replied back. I was not supposed to think because I felt stressed, tired and I need a quick sleep.

However, I really accept that my life have been wasted too. I spend most of my life staring into space, wondering how this pain in my heart will ever be erased for so many years. I want to believe this is going to get better soon, I long to feel that this won’t last forever. right now I feel like a waste of space too, or perhaps I just depressed in a couple of days. Like I'm stealing oxygen because my life is a waste. No one cares what happens to me, I live alone since I was a kid, I have been in the school without the parents guidance since my first grade till I got into college. But why would they let me? What do I expect people to be?

Perhaps it just my fate to live like this in this cruel world, perhaps the people I love will never put me first to be their priority. My friends call when they need me but don't return the favor. But knowing all this doesn't make me feel braver. knowledge is power, at least that's what they say, I tried to be smart to live in the street were people knows only to kill their self on cutting, suicidal and got involved on drugs, and to kill innocent people when they are high with spirit of drugs.

But having the knowledge doesn't make the pain fade away. I could keep on listing as the tears begin to fall, when I clearly visualizing my past with those people I know they will not do good things. The fact of the matter is I've finally hit that wall, I accept. The wall when you know you can't stand the pain. I'm walked over and shit on but who can I really blame? I can never stop being me, don't think I'm that bad, If people could only see that all I am is sad. Sad that no one actually seems to care how I feel.

Feel like I'm almost invisible, hardly even feel the real pain. Who can love me if I am messed up inside? who will care for me if i am living in a foreign land, now I'm always going to be alone, just me and my mind. My mind which causes me to relive all my pain, Like one bad film that can't stop being replayed. So I sit here and stare off into dark space, Getting used to being alone, because that's never going to change!

“Hey! Man! You slept well! You’re snoring! Hahahaha!” he laughs..

“we’re in front of your apartment…” he said.

“I'm just pretty tired” I replied. Then I got out, stand to the side window of the car and lean my arms at the window to have a fast reply.

“ what about your time? it was wasted too..?” he asked…

” tomorrow I will give you the answer”.. i said,

Then he leave.

I am standing there at the street watching the car disappeared. it was a glimpse of my past taken over my thoughts in dreams.

My mood: 2.0/10.

Thursday, October 29, 2009


Thursday, October 29, 2009 0
Day 86 - part 2

Too much for day dreaming! but still I have a great day! What a day! i had, it just didn't flow, know what i mean? Had a problem with my internet connection it seems that the internet server provider was always having modification for the internet protocol till now they doesn’t solved their problems yet, so it means it pissed me off. Because it goes on and off, like my mood.

Anyhow I don’t to pissing my mood around with them, they just giving me a hard time with a headache that doesn't want to go away, is not fun, to say the least. Well, it’s finally done, and i feel a bit better. Then my wife calls me. I felt i know how to fly. It is really a great day for me.

Hopefully if they will fix the internet, it was better if they can add something that highly sophisticated upgrade to the internet. Like scanning yourself to the tiniest atom particles and transport it to the other dimensions around the world. It was great right?!

My mood: 1.9/10.


Day 86

Today I was woke up with the brighter day to start. I am pretty okay. I took a long shower for the new day that I know I felt better. going to work every day it isn’t new to me. Anyway while I was on our way. Day dreaming, I was dreaming that how could I be able to make it happen just for an instant or just a blink of an eye she will be here in front of me smiling, and I could touch her lovely face even just a glimpse of a day.

However, if i wish I could steal her away, and bring her here where we can be happy. I wish I could make her see her worth how she means to me, and get her to understand how I am depressingly in love with her, she doesn’t know that. but somehow I wish my spirit overwhelmed her heart and dig into the bottom of her soul.

I wish I could get to her house right now at this moment, and give her the biggest hug ever that nobody was having done that before to her, and just hold you there for hours. Things seem so wrong here, everything is just so empty, I miss her. time was holding my will to be with her. I know if she’s here with me, everything would seems perfect, and even if things get bad, we'd still have each other arms, and we'd be okay forever. but time machine wasn’t discovered yet.

My mood: 2.0/10

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

should i stop to write?

Wednesday, October 28, 2009 3
Day 85- part 2

I am at work, I am worried and afraid as usual, same feeling that I get every time If feel down, my hearts want to explode, honestly I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t want to feel this way being low all the time it digs my heart hurt and it really felt pain. perhaps my writings keep myself low because when I feel okay, I write less, if I feel not okay I write a lot.

Should I stop writing about my personal life? Because I think I’m so tired of being depressed, of feeling like life is going right and then it all falling down. I wish there was a way to just get over everything. to make the decision to be happy all the time. But I don’t know how to do that, I wish just one snap of my finger, my worries will blows off?

My chest wants to explode. I just really want to be loved that’s all. I think love is only the cure for the woman that I love the most.

My mood: 6.5/10

lowest point

Day 85

I woke up early, I can't sleep, I rolled to the left, I rolled to the right, I can't sleep, I woke up every time in the middle of the night, hoping to see her online, but I have been disappoint. My mind wasn’t stop thinking, worrying and pretty tired as well. I gotta sleepless night.

well I think it’s back again, the depression its fucking up my sleep, i can’t help it it’s like a drug for me, i can’t help it should i choose the pill all together so I sleep well but I didn’t take it. as i sit here at 05:36am and hear other people getting ready for work. i can’t help thinking all night. i should be asleep but I just can’t. now will i be awake for the whole day or will i have a chance going to sleep? And will i start think about my life again in again? Will I cry again asking myself to beg? But I couldn't stop my fate.

I just don’t want to sit here every day and watching the lowest point in my life, it seems like it plays all the time even more when the beast is around i can’t help thinking what have i done to her, I don’t understand. Did i made her think less or has she hated me. i can’t say to her because i don’t wont her to get upset or angry with me.

i love her so much and she means so much to me and we are married in spirit.

My mood 5.7/10.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

so much to read

Tuesday, October 27, 2009 0
day 84

I got a lot of books into my shelf, I never got around to finished it, everything seemed in its proper place but sometimes I put my heart to read five to six page every night.

then I used to bookmark it so I’ll come back to it later when I am ready to read in another night. So when I set the book down for the night my heart always stayed with it tucked neatly in the pages reading All over to finish it.

The wonderful things about the books that I read so far, is about the story, I loved the story, the characters the words, the thoughts and feelings it seems like you are watching movies in your mind vision, and sometimes I found myself I am catching my breath. sometimes reading books can changed my mood, if i dig my mind into the book i forgot what's happening around me, i couldn't stop reading.

my mood: 2.1/10

Monday, October 26, 2009


Monday, October 26, 2009 1
Day 83

I Nodded up, “sigh..” life seems unfair

My Hands feeling cold, life is cold

I looked down (“deep breath…”), it seems life was against me

Life seems small, Irrelevant

I found out I am at the edge of the 27th floor building

my feet dangling at the edge slowly

I feel my Life has no meaning

My rants never heard

And i sat at the edge

my mind was on the edge

If life had worth so much

Wouldn’t anyone come and save me?

Does faith work?

nowhere to go

No way out

One leap

It Ends everything.

My mood: 3.5/10

Sunday, October 25, 2009


Sunday, October 25, 2009 6

I’m ashamed for the first letter as I sent to her, she laughed at it. and it’s so embarrassing. I can do it in my computer but I insist to do it with my own bare hands so she may think that I have done it with my whole hearted will. Of course I want to cure my hand writing problems but I don’t know how, I practice a lot of stroke every day, I know it will take time to see the improvement.

But anyhow if I am on the rush for taking notes, sometimes even me cannot read my own handwritings, I hate it. I have serious problems with my handwriting. I hate the sight of it, even my signature. It's awkward, ungainly, and inconsistent. This makes life hard. It’s not unusual for me to write dozens of drafts, even of a signature. And, of course, the more conscious I become of my writing, the harder it becomes to produce. I'm not happy to see it. I’ll do pretty much anything to avoid writing by hand. It's not that I want my handwriting to be beautiful, I just want it to look consistent.

I never really mastered any kind of stroke. My writing became large and clumsy, and I began to hate it. I started to avoid handwriting and use a word processor wherever possible, and lack of practice only made the situation worse. I've never felt I have a style that is my own. i never had a style.

This seems to be a rare problem, and it's one I feel rather ashamed of. It is serious, however. I get extremely distressed by my handwriting, and the problem is interfering with my job. I'd be hugely grateful for advice on how to tackle either or both aspects of it. im naturally right handed.


Day 82

I couldn’t hardly believed it. As each day went past and our love grew stronger, my thinking you would leave me and run. You've stayed with me through all the mess have done.

I may not be the surest of men, knowing what to do and how to be careful, but I learn quickly. I want this to last. I don't want our love to burn out because of the mistakes from the past. God has sent you to me and for that I thank him from the bottom of my heart.

You're truly a blessing. And I am thank him. please, never forget. You've taken my heart and you wake up my sleeping heart . I see how much you care, and I feel like flying. You're lifting my heart in your hands and warming it with yours, and it's the best feeling in the world.

I don’t want to missed these moments to be with you. you complete me.

Happy Monthly Anniversary!

Love always

My mood: 2.0/10

GOD and Computer

day 81-part 2

The Beginning

In the beginning God created... the computer.

And God entered:

c:\Let there be Light









And God logged on at 12:01 am, Sunday, March 1.

c:\Let there be Light


c:\Create Light


c:\Run heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02 am, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01 am, Monday, March 2.

c:\Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light


c:\Create firmament


c:\Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02 am, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01 am, Tuesday, March 3.

c:\Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and...


c:\Create dry_land


c:\Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02 am, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01 am, Wednesday, March 4.

c:\Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night


c:\Create sun_moon_stars


c:\Run sun_moon_stars

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02 am, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01 am, Thursday, March 5.

c:\Create fish


c:\Create fowl


c:\Run fish, fowl

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02 am, Thursday, March 5.

And God logged on at 12:01 am, Friday, March 6.

c:\Create cattle


c:\Create creepy_things


c:\Now let us make man in our image


c:\Create man


c:\Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the...


c:\Run multiplication


c:\Insert breath


c:\Run multiplication


c:\Move man to Garden of Eden


c:\Create Garden.edn


c:\Move man to Garden.edn


c:\Run multiplication


c:\Copy woman from man


c:\Run multiplication


c:\Create desire


c:\Run multiplication

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn


c:\Create freewill


c:\Run freewill

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn


c:\Undo desire


c:\Delete freewill




c:\Create tree_of_knowledge

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn


c:\Create good, evil


c:\Activate evil

And God saw he had created shame.


c:\Scan Garden.edn for man, woman


c:\Delete shame


c:\Delete freewill






c:\Create new world


c:\Destroy earth


c:\Destroy earth confirmed


And God logged off at 11:59 pm, Friday, March 6.

And God rested on the 7th day.

At 12:00 am, Sunday, March 8, God created Macintosh.


That is kinda cute, but Praise God that HE did not need to alter any of His plans to fit with anyone else's commands! We may not know why opened up, or how was bookmarked. I don't know for sure how that virus, betray.exe downloaded itself, but I do know one thing : GOD DID NOT HAVE TO RE-BOOT!

Right from the beginning, God had a plan; that plan was, a program that went well with love .net, and the dreaded cross.ini The ONLY way you can benefit from these awesome programs, however, is to choose to install them yourself. YOU MUST DOWNLOAD THEM. Knowing they are online does NOTHING for YOUR hard drive. Sin is a virus, and there is NO anti-virus program to un-install it. You can ONLY come out alive on the other side of it, and there is only ONE way of doing that...

Download LAMB.COM accept the program given to you, the ONLY way to live through this virus. Don't wait for a re-boot, 'cause there isn't gonna be one.

c:\\accept gift
c:\\recieve forgiveness

go to :


Do it like this :

Dear Jesus,
I know that you died for me... I know that you rose 3 days later and are alive still. I may not understand it, but I believe it. Please help me to SEE what you want me to see. I know I need you in my heart, and my life. Please come in to me, forgive me of my sins, and wash me. Give me Your Free Gift of eternal life, and show me how you want me to live. I want to turn from this empty life, and live for you, and with you, forever. Thank you God, for saving me, through the blood of Jesus Christ.

This was given to me... please bookmark/share it with others:

My mood: 2.1/10

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Great day to chase a camel!

Saturday, October 24, 2009 0
Day 81

I feel great yesterday I hope this week will be a very nice week to start for a new days to come. Peace.. yep. Same as yesterday i awoke this morning feeling more refreshed and healthy than i have for some time, so I do feel that today is going to be a good day and i may achieve more than i have done in quite some time.

I know there are things in life that will always be up and down, in and out. we always cycle thru almost the same thought process, with a different frame of mind, and an older one. we don't always come to compare the conclusion. we grow and learn and change every day. so the thoughts and things we do will change as well.

However, life has process, yep great enjoy the day go out and chase a camel. have fun in your life, work hard, eat right, sleep with a great beauty and hey maybe your dreams just might come true. Everyone has a great dream or plan. I plan on dying when it is time but then at times might think wow today can be the day to kick some ass.

Hey, life is full of new possibilities so we must expect the best and do our best. I'm only here for a limited amount of time and wonder if my time will expire today tomorrow or next week. I seek out what is good and hope that you do as well. Hey hope you can get a good steak today. If so enjoy. Remember to kiss the camel you catch. God is everywhere. god will catch you in time before you reach the ground.

Peace to everyone.

My mood: 2.1/10


Day 80 - part 2

I haven’t slept well last night, it’s quite stressing work… then I sleep long hours today perhaps my mind and body was feeling so tired. Anyway, I woke up 6:00pm, I took a nice long shower, well shave and felt fresh. and it feels GREAT outside.

I feel pretty good right now. however, gotta something to write about my unsorted thoughts flows in my mind.

and Here it goes….

God now’s I didn’t harm anyone. God knows I made my blogs not to harm people, if you don’t like my blogs don’t read it, but others will. nobody was forcing you to read what's my article all about, it’s my journal, it’s MY PERSONAL SPACE. I’m independent person, and I am a free man. I’ve got balls. I am not hiding my handsome face to anyone, I am honest and god fearing person.

I focuses on allowing myself for "venting" to share of moments where you may have been treated unfairly, or misunderstood. It is easy to misinterpret a situation where you may feel that you are right. Perhaps you would like a more unbiased opinion of someone on the outside looking in. Here is where I can leave my rants, concerns, my insecurities, my most complex and boundless opinions about the days of my lives. because this is my PERSONAL SPACE.

Here is where you can be who you are, and say what you long as you are honest. I appreciate keeping vulgarity out of this community. This is a honest community sites and for adult conversation, and for entertainment purposes only. We can all learn from each others' life lessons. Topic suggestions are welcome. But not to SPAMMERS…

Get it off your chest and enjoy your dose of unfiltered honesty! God bless...

you might also like: Personal space - part 1.....

My mood: 2.7/10.

Friday, October 23, 2009

feel wide awake

Friday, October 23, 2009 0
Day 80

Hey. It's 2:00am and I can't sleep. I feel wide awake, my eyes are heavy but my body is wide awake. because I started to design a new templates for my webpage but, I kinda stuck, i cant stop to think of it over and over again. i need to rest. I still gotta problem with the adobe Dreamweaver cs3 software. I need to get back to it again later.

Then I went thru some books and news papers and found pics that I really like. I also have tribal drawings to finalize it in adobe photoshop cs3. I will probably keep it as a record for my future references. I am going to use it when I am upgrading my webpage.

I felt tired… I need to sleep now…. Goodnight.. God luvz you..

My mood: 2.5/10

Thursday, October 22, 2009

total asshole

Thursday, October 22, 2009 0
day 79- part 2

what the hell is wrong with me? i just wake up and feel sad for no damn reason. I am a total asshole to my super sweet baby, and i have no idea why. i just feel sad. and mad, frustrated. short fuse. Everything pisses me off. It’s like a roller coaster, my mood was suddenly changed, it's have been going on for a week now. I just don’t have energy to move.

i sat at the computer for 8 hours today. i don't want to go out and have some fun with my friends, and I just had lost my appetite. ugh, I’m so sick of this. i do nothing all day. Just coming to work and go. i can't wait to go home, I felt tired, I just wait for the day when I will be home. I don’t want to fall apart with nothing to do.

sHe doesn't understand, she's never felt like this. Depression is something that runs in my blood. it's hard to beat it. I need to though. although, all i want to do is lay in bed all day and not get up for anything, doing unnecessary job, just to make myself busy. i just hate myself it always coming back to me, I couldn't fight it, and I'm just trying to avoid it not to affect her..I’m sorry if sometimes we’ve had a bad conversation, I felt guilty about it… i just gotta wait for this to pass, it always does.

My mood: 3.5/10.


Day 79

I feel like I’ve got blogger fever I just know when to stop, lol. it's like I got bitten by the blogger bug, then suddenly after I had been bitten I’ve summoned the “BLOGGER SENSE” the mutant super powers. Next, I don’t know where to put my journal, I’ve got a lousy handwritten?! What the heck nobody read at the old fashion diaries but still I end up writing at the notepad or updating diaries.

I've always want to do blogging but I just couldn’t find the right blogging platforms. Again my BLOGGER SENSE comes to the rescue, internet its quite helpful for any self learning activities it helps, then I found these blogging platform,,,,,, and this is few blogging platforms I know. However, now I'm using platform, because it’s easy to use for beginners. Then, I started my online blogging and i blog my daily journal, about myself, although I found myself clicking for blogging generator to gather more ideas to blogs, anyway it’s okay it doesn’t matter, I am just loved to blog anything, and I didn’t harm anyone and I just want to update my blogs daily.

I did now love blogging. This site I recently changed my blogging templates to showed what I wanted to be like people viewing it and the comments the other sites that I viewed. it doesn't have those kind of things that i want. it made blogging too boring for me if the templates was bad. now this is my official site at the moment.

Now that I've joined blogging communities I guess I will earn lots of bloggers, I've been having an awesome time here I have a lot of new friends and a lot of comments and views it makes me happy to see that other people are interested in viewing my blog. I just want to people hear what I am thinking and what I have to say and I'm glad people that read my blogs understand what I'm trying to get to people.

Blogging has boosted myself steam and now I feel like I can be open about what is on my mind because people get what I'm saying thanks to all of my friends that follows me and for understanding what I'm saying in my blogs.

My mood:2.0/10

bad arguments

Day 78 - part 2

I wish that I didn’t go home after work. If I know that we will having some arguments about something that it made me mad, perhaps it will change the timeline if i would rather decided to stay up late to work.

I do feel we are doing a little better, but it's still hard for me if sometimes my stupid minds thinks some unnatural that made me upset, or something that depression haunts me anytime, everywhere, whatever.. it kills me. she always kissed me before and after going to bed daily, and somehow it did mean a big things to me or something. I hope it only gets better and not getting worse.

I've been having awful thoughts, the past haunts me down. Moving out it’s not an option and seriously considering who I could live for awhile, it’s not a better choice, although if I think about it, it’s not available here in Saudi Arabia the pleasure that made us satisfied. Anyway i would rather not to keep it in my thoughts. It is a sinful way of living.

It's come down to me even possibly thinking about having an affair if I have to, it’s not my work of art. Not that I ever would, because it's SO wrong and I don't know if I'd ever forgive myself, but I just think it's that bad that it even runs through my mind. I am not going at it.

Of course I am just human being, If I wanna get off, I want to fuck. I also need the kissing and touching and slapping of the ass. You know? I don't feel right having such thoughts running through my mind, but I can't help it. Especially when my beloved Marivic cuddles me…its awesome.

I would understand even the simplest touch would mean so much. I don’t want her to be confused. I don’t want to feel distant to her. even if she was pushing me away..i will always stay with her unless she will tell me that she don’t love me anymore. and I don’t want to end it that way, I don’t want it to be happen, I grieve my spirit! I should used to care more and care if she cry and i apologize if I made her cry. I care a lot, I love a lot, I don’t want that feeling being thrown out at the window. I can't live without her.

At last, good night… I’m sorry for the bad arguments tonight.. I hope you will stay the same..sleep well.

My mood: 3.2/10

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

time travel

Wednesday, October 21, 2009 1
Day 79

Today, has been a slow day, my mood was not high and not low, it was on the middle. But as i lay in bed, I hope that my baby was with me. forcing myself to woke up, it’s a habit. it’s part of my life. I am going to work as I usually do. but I think of today, it is Friday, not Wednesday, weird.

Life has been going too fast these days, I reached the day 79 of my countdown, I'm survivor of my own fiction story, that I don’t even know that I did created it.

But somehow, that when the days gets slow, I become confused and my brain shuts down, I got depressed and my mood was unhappy. The whole day I have been a walking zombie. I am guessing it’s because it’s from the lost of sleep that I am getting, insomniac! since my June saddest blogs beckons me to read those posted blogs that I have been created. anyway it’s already past journal of my life. well, what I could say it was a fairytale of my own imagination, and I just couldn’t make a better life from the past than my life right here, right now. I hope I will discover time travel so I can travel through time, I can see the future what lies ahead.

Every night, I wanna watch her till I gotta fall asleep. I loved the feelings being good, the mind was clear, the heart was clear and listening to her voice till I closed my eyes it fantastic, I will catch her in my dreams. Being up to it every day is feeling good. Although, Nothing new to me, other than I’m worrisome over to her. I want her to feel that i do care about the relationship that I always giving value a lot. i really do, I've just been having overreacted sometimes. But yet, I'm trying to solve my problem.

I am happy she’s preferring for the big event for next year, I know she was keeping it in her mind and spirit. I don’t want to feel dead and appear invisible to any problems that might appeared. I am happy for what I am right now, and i am happy with her whatever it takes.

My mood: 2.3/10

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

it just happened quickly

Tuesday, October 20, 2009 1
Day 78 – part 3

I’d finished my blog in the morning then after a few hours, I felt afraid. I really don’t like what I felt, I just felt worried and again my heart is squeezing tight, hands cold, and chilled. now I felt sad and can't seem to find out why? I feel that way at the moment.. I mean, I am down.. and I don't know why I'm so down. Nothing bad happened today. I guess I'm just missing talking to someone who's helped me through a lot. I miss her a lot. Depression is unstoppable at this point.

I thought that, i will end this days not feeling down and depressed. I really can’t control it, my mind was shrinking in a tiny pieces. I have made progress since the first day of the week till in the morning. My mood is more high then low now... and the lows aren't as low as they used to be.

I am well aware that things are going to be different once, I'm ready to fight this fight. I guess after all, I have a reason to be sad. I know why I'm sad. I just don’t want to believe it. it just happened quickly. I just so happened quickly.

My mood: 5.2/10.

im gaining weight!

Day 78 – part 2

oh, god I’m such an idiot. these past two months I’ve been eating so well. like I always felt hungry, even though I know that my stomach is already full or i just finished eating and yet I can say that I am still hungry. Now I’m gaining weight!

so the 64kg that took a two months of starving to death now is out the window. yaki, I’m 68kg again! oohh no. fuck my life. tomorrow I’m going to start eating healthy foods. my favorite fruits. I hate myself sometimes for eating lots of calories and I am not doing something to burn my fats. i should start to loss my weight!

this should be added to my to do list, like Saturday, I’m fasting. maybe Sunday too if I’m strong enough. and i don’t care what my mind was craving to thinks for a tasty yummy foods. I will eat plenty of vegetables this weekend. Ha,ha,ha,. whatever. I want to be 62kg by November. and that’s what I’ll be.

by the way, i guess my mood was quite well okay, and i've gotta few more days left to finish all the week that i've been felling better.

My mood: 2.2/10

my life has been slice

Day 78

another page of my life has been slice. So here I sit and I am writing, which is something I love to do but have not really got the guts to just let it flow. I always think about what mistakes I have made or how I could make any improvements on the piece that I had written or perhaps something that my life will go out straight into good. So then I thought, really, if somebody ever happened to read this I wouldn't have to see them or even interact with them.

The glory of internet anonymity grants me the power of invisibility. I can write blogs that are bad and suck or I could write ones that are clear and concise. I realize that similar to my habit of leaving voicemail messages too fast for the recipient to understand, I have an uncanny ability to just drone on and on switching from topic to topic with no real logic or purpose.

Having no real purpose gives me the freedom to write as I please. I am not going to start off with a plan or a strategy. I am just going to let it run. But for now I have a table to move and a file of paper works to be done. I will write later when I have the ability to control my wandering mind.

My mood: 2.2/10

Monday, October 19, 2009

Hang out

Monday, October 19, 2009 4
Day 77 – part 2

I don't know what to do for next month Holidays. its almost a week. I do have friends… I did. but I would not have a time to hang out with them. I am planning to go outside the city, visit my fellow old friends. but I have no money to pay with my expenses to travel, perhaps they will help me to pay for it. and maybe, I would just end up staying home the whole time doing nothing. But I know I am not gonna bored if I hang out with my baby till dawn. I love her so much.

I am normal human being, it is normal to get this bored with the life I am facing. sometimes I cannot stand sitting here in my quite room staring at all the work that I had. Perhaps I should be doing, or staring at the computer screen wishing something life changing would just to pop up. I am screaming on the inside to be released. I feel like chains are keeping me here. I have no escape, nowhere to go, even to hide.

I wish tomorrow is august 2010. It’s the special day were my life will not gettin' board anymore.

My mood: 2.5/10

blog templates

Day 77

I laugh at myself, because I am really not impressed with my blog templates when I look at it, and my mind was being crazy to change my webpage templates by any means. I’m not satisfied till I permanently replaced it with my taste of colors and design to looks good in my eyes, and it took me so long to do the work. but I am not really good on webpage design, It just trying hard.

I started to look at the templates from the other websites and download some good stuff. So that’s why I stay so busy last night and sleep very late and I see where I have no time to woke up in the morning. It is normal to sleep late, feeling like I'm insomniac!

So the webpage template was nice, I can add a lot of gadgets and widgets to customize. so I grab it. Anyway, I am so sick of the same old thing if I saw my templates every day. it’s not good in my eyes anymore.

My mood: 3.6/10.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

I don't care

Sunday, October 18, 2009 0
Day 76

Last night – I had finished my blog entry title "junk letter" on "Sunday Scribblings". So I guess someone gonna read it. anyway I don’t want to expect any comments about it, by the way it’s my journal with my everyday rants, I can write whatever I want to write, I don’t care what people say about me. it just me, perhaps.

However, today I left home early 5:45am, I felt sleepy, I still need a little round of a sleep to satisfy my sleeping requirements. But anyway, I got up, washed and clean myself, toothbrush, mouth wash, and i make  sure that I will used my after shave cologne to feel the freshness in the morning. Then I walked out rushing on the edge of the street, while my iPod was playing praise and worship songs at the very moment. I believed if I will listened to that music it will help me to think positive and my mood would last longer. Because I felt a little changes in my mood this couple of days, and I didn’t skip my prayer daily, for my protection.

Of course, as usual I prepared my own brewed cappuccino while blogging, it’s nice to have a sip of brewed cappuccino while were my thoughts began to flows on my fingertips.

My mood: 1.3/10

Junk letter

I have deleted some of my junk letters as well as my journal because it was on the month of June during the world fell upon my shoulder and I carried the heavy loads till now. my life was torn apart upside down. I deleted a lot of stuff that really doesn't need to be read again. it will kill me. I felt, I have been trashed on the scrappy junk yard of lying dead people, I was stunned and hurt during that month.

However, it’s okay and I understood, I have been mad and being selfish, numb, lonely and sad, confused and worried....... yeah, that is my pretty hard boring life that I've been for that month and that's pretty much the gist.

Now (sigh....), I'd worked things out for my own good, because she said she loves me, she like me to be in her lives and she will spend much time to me and she will phone me as much as she could, and certainly the best things that I am expecting to her was the love she felt should be honest and trustworthy. Okay, that makes sense. But as long as I am here in Saudi Arabia it seems that my work is holding back our plans at the moment. it seems that I am living at the junk place next to me.

sometimes even in a decent conversation it always ended up at the wrong topics that reminds my mind, my heart, my soul and my spirit to wept painful. then, I figured that I’m still living in the past and my depression overwhelmed right over me ... I don't know what to do. I don't want the things to be like these every day. it's very awkward. i always felt so down and depressed and I can't continue with myself for being like these. my hearts are tearing me apart all the time. I have no idea why it was always coming back to me. It feels like my depression was pushing me away from her.

sometimes I felt that I should better off with her, just to think that I’m not completely a junk, or perhaps I’m not an asshole. I don't want to think that she let me down and ended up nothing. Anyway she promised me she will not hurt me, she will love me for all that I am.

If she leaves me now I'm guaranteed to get hurt. but i know one hundred percent sure that if I will stay with her closed then It might end up refilling my empty hearts. I think I'll stay. I know I am still sure I will found my complete happiness with her, anyway were married in spirit.

I love her so much.

I hope this is not a junked letter anymore.

good night.

my mood: 1.5/10.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

lucky to be alive

Saturday, October 17, 2009 0
Day 75

Just Another day of my countdown, yesterday it was a busy Friday for me, I had lots of house work that I did on my to do list and I sleep whole day.

And now this is I began my morning, by walking to the edge of the street, sitting drinking freshly brewed expresso coffee at my hand, enjoying the moment and looking out across the blue sky, just watching the busy people going to work, as every aspect of life unfolded on my journey.

while were i am heading to my work suddenly drew my attention to the middle of the bay side where some sort of activity was taking place. a flipper emerged, then disappeared ...then again and again... we were actually witnessing big fish are at play!

To watch this was a very rare occurrence for me, I was overcome by a surge of emotion, this is the first time I just live here which I witnessing big fish playing at the bay side for all these times.

the joy and delight of seeing these majestic creatures, oblivious to the crowd that had started to gather on the fringe of the bay. everything else had faded into insignificance.

it's just one of those very special times that happen every now and then and leave in my memory. for that I feel very lucky to be alive...

My mood: 2.0/10

Busy friday

Day 74 – part 2

Friday, It was still dark when i awoke, and, looking up, i could see the stars through the window. I wanted to sleep a little longer, i thought. It was 5:00am in the morning. But I had an urge to wash my cloths and to clean my room today. So I got up to bed and do what’s on my to do list for today.

I loaded the washing machine with my dirty clothes and I went back into my room to have a hot coffee next to me. I turned off the air condition to reduce the temperature inside the room. then, I started Ironing some of my clean clothes as well as my uniform. I hope it will burn my fats if I will do some house works. next after the long hours, I had finished ironing, I do the vacuum stuff, I heard the washing machine is finished, I spin my clothes for drier, after a few minutes spinning, it was half dry, then I hang my clothes. I returned to my room sweating, I know I burned calories. I looked outside the window it was 9:00am in the morning.

I sat on my bed I saw Marivic on a deep sleep at the other side of the world. I served another coffee to myself, and started another blog for last night it was "Day 74-don't forget how to smile". After I had finished my blog. she woke up and she greets me with a half way smile and a wonderful morning. I thank god that we have been married in spirit, I thank god for everything. I love her so much.

After I had chatted with her I went back to sleep. Then when I woke up it was dinner time…

My mood was great...

My mood: 1.5/10.

dont forget how to smile

Day 74

I went home late last night, I had been with my friends at the next building to eat dinner. but I shouldn’t be there if my stomach is not empty. Because yesterday afternoon, i decided late for the last seconds before the game was start, so I went to the camp to play basketball for a friendly game, as well as awarding ceremony for those champions and best players, but I wasn’t eaten. Anyway the games and the awarding was organized and ended fine. then, I go home with my stomach was empty but there’s a lot of fat to burn. I hate myself if I eaten much calories and there’s no time to burn it all. I hate myself if i felt lazy.

I was feeling better yesterday, I have so much fun with my mood. As well as with my Marivic, she always put her attention to me, she cared about my mood every time, she didn’t forget to call me and asked me how was my mood for today. I love the way how she put smile and happiness in my heart. She was helping me how to recovered on my depression smoothly. anyway, I don’t want to say something at it anymore, about my past, it will changed my mood quickly, now I just enjoying my happy feelings at the moment. Of course I love to put smile on my face, a big grin showing all the white teeth! every human being loves to put smile on their faces. I am happy to say that because, I didn't forget how to smile at all.

I know she’s my cure and my road to happiness.

My mood: 2.0/10

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Stay strong

Thursday, October 15, 2009 0
Day 73 – part 2

I work half day, I go home as early as I can If I could. I drove back home. I felt that my stomach was crunching, I glance at the time, it was 12:00 noon, its lunch time. I ordered half chicken with rice for takeout at the nearby fast food. While waiting, I felt good today better than yesterday I supposed, I'm not sure what happened... I really have no idea. My mood was working against me for last couple of days, ups and downs, like a roller coaster. But now it is on my side. When I would overdo it was because my head was telling me that I needed my mind to rest and stop thinking for stupid things that it won’t gonna happen. it just a fiction... indeed.

I cannot express to you my sheer joy and happiness that I feel right now. It's like something came over me when I started to use my Ipod mp3 with the praised in worship song on it. I just uploaded it the other night. Like I got released by something and something else over came me. A couple people noticed that I had been quiet good today. That’s felt really good.

I don't know what happened...but whatever it is I am sooo glad that it did. Perhaps I should stay strong, I can do this. I know I can reach my goal and dreams in gods way.

Hoping that I have more wonderful days to come.

My mood: 3.0/10

I closed my eyes

Day 73

Last night, i am at the doorstep of my house, I opened the door and walked quietly. I felt tired. And I threw myself onto the bed, and I rolled slowly face down on my cushion. i closed my eyes, forgetting the things that has been troubled me for last couple of days. my body went heavy. My mind has been washed away by my dreams and at last I just gave up myself in a deep sleep.

I hope tomorrow it would be great day.

My mood: 5.5/10.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

it's complicated

Wednesday, October 14, 2009 0
Day 72

Yesterday I'm totally sucks, I watched my face in the mirror I can’t recognized myself anymore, I'm sad. I wash my face with cold water to wake up myself, I'm down. Perhaps cold water refreshes my spirit and my soul. I felt terribly tired and weak.

I know my emotion have been terribly depressed lately. am just so depressed. I decided to walked a bit at the town for half an hour, it probably my mood will shrink. Sometimes walked would probably help. i am standing at the street for a moment, watching the cars passed by, looking at the busy street, the night was getting late. then I thought to use my pills when I get back to my room, I just want to stop my mind to think the things that its upset me. I can’t figured it out, the gently cold wind in the night touches my skin. I walked back home, my hands in my pocket, walking heads down, and thinking why I am always down, down, down and nothing is going right. nothing is panning out. i feel so damn lost and sad i cannot put it into words.

I am about to sleep, I'm just found myself reading all the text messages that put me in pain, and perhaps I never thought that I have been complicated to other people specially to the person the one I love the most. maybe i am complicated and I am not aware for it, if that is the case.. I am sorry. I don’t know where to put myself right now, it’s quite complicated, i am tired of feeling this way, and i am ready and wanting to be happy and wake up to sunshine, not clouds and rain, and thunder. because that's all i feel inside. a deep storm inside of me that just is consistently putting a rain cloud over me. i really want to be happy. it is totally hitting my life in all and every aspect. But it won’t come into my mind about the cutting way of depression.

all the things that make me unhappy i literally have no control over. i cannot change anything right now, or better yet yesterday. i just do not have the power. i am definitely proud of myself for not self-harming, because i have had a couple strong urges, and i have overcome them. it just what a fucking rant only.

I'm strong, i have the will to survive. I know I am deserved to be happy.

My mood: 7.5/10

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

breaking inside

Tuesday, October 13, 2009 0
Day 71

Just another day of my countdown. Today, I just woke up, feeling low. I went to work… as I usually do. I’m not in a good mood, I don’t know why but I just found myself felt empty, my heart was squeezing tight and beating fast. my mind wasn’t stop thinking about life. I am drain and weak. I felt like I am zombie.

I am really not happy for what I was felt for myself. I can’t figured it out, I’m down.... Right now, I'm at work and it's kind of confused because emotions and my mind was thinking crazy things, perhaps I am afraid for losing something. I hope my mood will change in the afternoon, somehow.

So now I am trying to find things. I just have to learn how to just forget things and move on I have never thought that things are never going to be alright. I am breaking inside because I am not sure on how I need to be and how I should be acting but any my case I am just being who I thought I should be but that just other thing I have to worry about in my life.

So, Anyway i am just trying to keep my cool and not judge myself because that would totally be wrong of me and I am not sure I can handle that in the case how my rough life and go of it. but i guess that just a part of my life that I have to learn how to do. I just know that things are totally worth my time and i am scared that i am going to lose what i really want in life. I just have to wait on it.

My mood: 5.0/10

Monday, October 12, 2009

its along walk

Monday, October 12, 2009 0
Day 70

Morning, I walked to the parking lot where the transport is located. I said “its along walk, its Ipod time”. I don’t want it to feel and remember it that made me sad again so then I scrolled to chose the praise and worship song in my Ipod. she send me that audio CD by post long time ago, and then I converted it to MP3, to much into my Ipod, it’s the perfect songs fits for me. I walked quietly, I felt the cold air presses deep into my skin.

Anyway, I really don’t want depression to overwhelmed me, It just gets worse and worse every day, I’d tried to avoid and not to think about it. I close my eyes and I talk to myself. "Not now. Not again.” it seems like I want to cry out loud. I just don’t understand. This has to be the most ridiculous, irrational mood ever. And i have no control over it.

I feel better now than yesterday. i will not let go.

My mood: 4.0/10


Day 69 - part 2

The first day of the week I just felt awful. I felt terrible all the time, Wasn't eating properly or sleeping very well.

I feel somewhat better at this time but that emotion of despair is still there and just won't seem to go away. Every time I think about something related to it I get this "twinge" in my stomach and I feel empty inside. EVERY DAY when I wake up, the first thought that goes through my head is that I should think positive, I don’t want to feel the same twinge. I lost my diet, I'm not eating like I used to be, I still often have a hard time falling asleep.

the memories just haunt me. I have to go out and just do...something, anything. It feels like this is all a bad dream and one day I'll wake up and everything will be back to normal.

I had problems with mild depression before when I was teenager but it just seemed so much easier to kick than this. This is just making me miserable. I feel like I want to crawl in a hole somewhere, I don’t want to deal with this anymore.

I hope I will feel much better tomorrow.

my mood 4.5/10

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Bump in the Night

Sunday, October 11, 2009 1

Midnight, I don’t know what sort of creature haunts the corners of my mind, I am sleepless. Not until the tick of the clock I was heard, it was 2:00 am, I am still half dead, my half body was paralyze, I saw the hand of  hours shifting, at least i know it was still moving, I am still alive.

It’s hurts that it seems when my inner demons come out to play and my fears was dancing about the night, running out of control in my head. It’s Always in my head.

I hate myself, my heart was grieving. if someone would have fashion how to made Halloween mask, I will offer myself to have one scary mask. anyway, then at the halloween which is at the very end of this October, 1st day of November 2009, perhaps i will be the one shaking up your bed, the one who will creak on your floor, the shifting shadows, the cold air touched your skin... i will be the one who will bump in the night while you were sleeping.

My mood: 7.0/10

Half dead

Day 68 – part 2

Since morning, I'm not feeling well.. i’m panicking so bad. I can’t breathe. I can’t eat. I can’t think, I can't work ol’day. Why I am always in pain? I thought that pain reliever it might work in feelings and emotions but I was wrong. only the chocolates perhaps i know it might work to forget every things,

I am in my quite room, I am lying half dead, I'm living in hell... I think? I have no energy to feel any emotion. I feel like my soul is already dead, but somehow my body continues to make its motions. I'm completely exhausted physically and emotionally. I can't even think.

Perhaps I should take one of my chocolates. They usually give me a little energy at least. I want someone to come pick me up and help to get to "happiness". I hope there Is one.

Everyday now I just wish a pack of chocolate would hit me in my face, so i know i am completely face like chocolate. I've come to the conclusion that right now I'm craving for chocolates, but if someone could do it for me that would be great, its for free. I still have more chocolates with me just in case I would need them.

I just wait to close my eyes.

My mood: 7.5/10

Saturday, October 10, 2009

slightly manic

Saturday, October 10, 2009 0
Day 68

Saturday first day of the week, I feeling low again, I am slightly manic. hope it will not be a bad day for me. I don’t know what’s happening? because everything is going fine and then all of a sudden i start to think too much and I catch myself not happy and I just want to run away from the past

but I just don’t understand, something is missing, I won’t have to dig over forever and i am so sick of this shit it makes me live comfortable but I don’t know how, I had to vent. I am just sitting her trying to make myself busy just not to think what it’s in my mind bothering. It’s made me crazy. trying to remember what life i used to be like before it got complicated.

My mood: 4.5/10

Friday, October 9, 2009


Friday, October 9, 2009 0
Day 67

Today, I am lazy to get up on my bed, I woke up just to pee and sleep again till afternoon. it’s been a long week that I have been working and I just really need to rest, anyway its Friday. Things have been very busy last working days and I haven't had a lot of free time.

I have been feeling better little by little. I still have bad days, but they aren't as numerous as the good days. I could stay home sleep all day whatever I like to wake up. I truly am starting to feel better. It’s wonderful and scary all at the same time. It’s been so long since I felt good, I've forgotten what it feels like. I forgot what it feels like to smile and mean it.

So far my whole day at home has gone very well. I went to a few stores and walked through the bank to send money for my family, oh well, I don’t like to see the exchange rate was failing low, I had thought not to send money but I got a second thought that it should better to send now because there were having calamities was still going on at the country I know they can't work pretty much if there was some catastrophe is going on.

However, I felt hungry then I went to the Filipino restaurant to eat pansit canton I missed the homemade pansit canton, I eat those only during parties, most of the time only for birthday parties. Anyway I eat at the restaurant till the prayer is about to start. Sometimes it’s good to get out at the house and have a walked at the street for sometimes for a changed. I really don't want to go back at the house yet but all the stores are about to close because the prayer is starting.

I'm back at the home now... bored again out of my mind I'm feeling slightly manic, but not in a bad way.

My mood: 2.3/10

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