I look in the mirror

Day 61 – part 2

in the morning i was nervous, and I'm shivering inside, I really don't feel good today and I’m not saying I am suicidal, but if someone were to give me a loaded gun, I would seriously consider pulling the trigger,...

I'm experiencing my old friend depression from the last 3 months that bit me harder till I fell down to the ground. just I am not in the mood since in the morning when I am at work, because i tried to contact her, but the phone is off.... then, I've been worried. And I started to think about something else. I really don’t want to think something bad about anything that it might depressed me, and I'm trying to control it, but it’s seems the beast was to strong. Then I began to lose control, if I had a blade besides me, I feel like I would totally cutting more than just flesh, or something that would do some major damage to myself…. What the fuck is wrong with me? With thoughts like that I don't stand a chance in heaven... I feel like I'm on the most terrifying roller coaster ever created..

then I went to the toilet, to let my heart relaxed, because my heart was beating fast, and I can't hold it. I look in the mirror I often cry a bit, and I asked myself “oh God, why it happens to me now?”, I don't see the person I used to be anymore. I see this man... aged by experiences, dark with sadness in the past, scared of the future, numbed by hopelessness. I see a man, that I don't know anymore. It’s sad to see what I've become. I don’t want to forgot what it was like to smile and actually mean it.

I don't know how things got as bad as they are. I just don't understand it. I feel as if I've lost all control. I am losing my grip... it is pulling me away. I feel the same all of the time. Nothing changes, nothing is different. Time goes by, seasons change and I am stuck. I feel like the time has stopped me from the past. I am stuck with the past that i have not created. It seems like I am paralyzed.

Life is just getting harder and harder. It’s not worth it anymore. I can continue my existence for the sake of everyone else. I had a bottle of pills right now, just one or two tablet it’s done I will fell asleep...

They have no idea how hard it is. Especially when you've beat it down several times before and it just keeps coming back stronger and darker each time.

anyway, If I can't write anymore, perhaps I'm in a sleep mode.

My mood: 7.0/10