Thursday, December 31, 2009

New year resolution!

Thursday, December 31, 2009 0
day 147

Happy new year! good bye 2oo9!... and welcome 2010!

this is my new year resolution:

1. Improve my skills
2. determine to read a book every other day
3. start to practice flash cs3 animation
4. practice drawing
5. Get fit
6. stay focus to my plans
7. Start a new hobby
8. forget bad memories

i hope this year will be my very best year.

Good luck!

my mood: 1.5/10

freaken tired

Day 146

Today, perhaps it’s not my lucky day, I felt faint, I’m so freaken tired. I really not wanting to face this day, again. it was a long brutal one. I’ve got over time, I am working tonight too. ughh. I Can’t seem to post on Smart. Can’t bring myself too. Not sure why, I just stressed. I need to sleep.

My mind is not here, right now, not in the mood to say anything. Missing my everything I know . Missing everyone. I 've got to find a way to move on and not obsess about it. I’m freaken tired, so freaken tired. Not much I can do about it. I don’t know what to say now.. I'm signing off tonigh..need some rest.

My mood: 1.7/10

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009 1

Day 145

Last night, I haven’t slept well till 2:00AM in my time. I know I bothered you for my calls yesterday morning till at night, you know what I feel if you are away, I am worried too much. I know it’s annoying but I hope you will understand me.

I found you now, whatever it is… I will not giving up, I’ll stay up for you all the time, good or bad I am with you, no looking back now. what’s done is done. that’s how we have to deal with it. I always mentioned this all the time, were married in spirit, and forever we are one.

I don’t know how we will work things out but I guess were moving forward smoothly, our life is made and hopefully forever for the next few years more even though there was sudden change for our plans, and I am still not losing hope, I will wait patiently for you and will stay that certain way.

however, don’t even think to try to change your mind for what we had already have been done otherwise you're wasting your time. just keep believing and have faith with you love, stay with me, I will find suitable place for us. I love you and that is a promise. I now it’s quite difficult for having a long distance relationship but it’s our fate.

It’s your birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Wishing you another wonderful year of happiness and joy. Happy Birthday!

My mood: 1.8/10.

Monday, December 28, 2009

letter: Love You Always!!!

Monday, December 28, 2009 0
day 144
Dearest xxxxxxx,

It’s a huge letter! wow! it is excellent slice of thoughts hidden behind your mind, it was wonderful piece of work. you unleashed the real hidden talent from yourself, it’s fantastic. you've got me in every words you write from your letter below.

I'm stun, I think you already said what I want to say also....

anyway, you know that I always dreamt to be with you forever, I dreamt we will be together next year as we plan and agreed for the last couple of months, but there was sudden changes from your side, I understand the problems and the struggle you where facing right now, but I hope you can deal with it. I always have had patience to wait for you once you are free, I'm here for you, just inform me once you are ready, you can reach me any type of communication you may have. but today, tomorrow and for the next year we should accept the fact that we can’t live together yet, we both know we have some task to consider at the moment.

So far, even though that we are not together, you are always in my heart, in my mind and specially in my spirit because we've been married in spirit. I always keep it as promised for you. I love you so much it takes. I will just do everything to make you happy, you know that I will not giving up till you won't say you don’t love me anymore. I've got this determination to love you even more each day, even though in return It will end my life just to prove how much I love you deeply.

I hope and pray I can forget the pain in the past that It seems it always upset me and made you upset too. I am doing the hardest way to forget it. but for now it's quite difficult for me to let it go, perhaps it will take some more time. even though I tried many times. its annoying and stressing in my situation, just because it always coming back at me, I felt in pain when the wounds continue to bleed, It was hurting me. I feel that I'd rather be dead just to forget it. and now whatever sometimes the subject that we are discussing it always end up in a bad mood. i wish i could arrange a delete button on my forehead, so i can easily deleted anything goes bad.
Hopefully next year there should be a better changes for a reason. Please stay with me, these is the times I needed you most, I want you to look after me. because I can't do it by my own self I need you with me. you should know that you are my other half, my breath. I love you so much. you are always in my thoughts.

Thank you for the wonderful letter you wrote for me, it so romantic. by the anyway, i know i still have a chance, I will not say a promise but I will do everything that there will be a better changes for good. Just pray that our love will last. I love you so much, no such ordinary human can change my love for you, it will live forever.

Love always,
xxxxxxx


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
To: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Sent: Saturday, December 26, 2009 16:06:57
Subject: Fw: Love You Always!!!


--- On Sat, 26/12/09, wrote:

> From: xxxxxxxxxxxx>
> Subject: Love You Always!!!
> To: "xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
> Date: Saturday, 26 December, 2009, 13:05
>
>
> Dearest xxxxx,
>
> This year 2009 is nearly come to an end. And the new year
> 2010 is coming soon. Im looking forward to the new year.
> Because i know there will have lots of exciting things will
> happened and its almost reach most things we are dreaming
> of. The new year we will be husband and wife , it is a new
> way of life for both of us. I can see almost the reality of
> what we had dream for will be enormous achievement. It will
> be wonderful to be with you. It will be wonderful feeling
> and happy life together. A life that is so fulfill doing
> everything together. From the morning till night we will be
> together talking, sharing, praying, loving and supporting
> each other. The feeling of happiness , contentment , relax,
> and at peace being with each other.
>
> Loving you everyday of mylife is the most wonderful feeling
> and the most enjoyable thing that i am doing for the rest of
> mylife. Everyday i want to express to you my deep love and
> affection. I know there is no right word to say how much i
> love you. I will just do everything to make you feel love,
> care, and wanted. I'm so happy doing it to you. I'm so happy
> seeing you happy and relax. And thats what i will do all the
> time. I would not stop loving you. I know there are times we
> can not avoid to argue or saying things that will upset each
> other. But this is not intentional and never in my mind will
> hurt you again. Im doing the best i can to love you,
> understand you and support you all the time. I will stand by
> you. I will stay with you. And i will love you for the rest
> of mylife.
>
> I wish when the year 2009 finished, We can leave it all
> behind the things that we made upset each other. All the bad
> things happened end as the year end. No more looking back on
> the past. And we will have to move forward.
> Now we have a chance to be happy. We can build a happy,
> loving, and fullfilling relationship together. We will have
> a good future lie ahead of us. I learned a hard lesson from
> my mistake. And i will do everything to help you and ease
> the pain in your heart. Im asking the Lord everyday to help
> me and make way to heal it . I know in Gods time and mercy
> upon us He will answer my prayer. My prayer to make you
> happy with me.
>
> New year, new hope, new blessings from the Lord. I want to
> thank Him from having you in mylife. I want to thank you for
> always staying with me and loving me all the time. And you
> can be sure of i will be with you too all the time. You are
> and always will be in my heart, mind, soul and spirit.
> I love you so much.
> Im missing you terribly.
> Happy New Year.
> love always,
> xcxxxxxx

Sunday, December 27, 2009

letter: Happy monthly anniversarry!

Sunday, December 27, 2009 0
day 143 - part 5

Dearest xxxxxx,

The days was heading fast and today it was our Monthly Anniversary. I am happy that I'm still having Anniversary with you. I thought for the past few months our love will come to an end, and it was happened when the time you are almost abandoned me. it was really my hardest challenged I have had been encountered since I was here in Saudi Arabia. It's truly I could say that it was really a tough one for me. but i never give up. i stood still to win you back. because i know for all these hurts and pains there will be happiness at the end of these. I love you so much and I never felt like this before.

I love you ever since and no one could ever take it away from me. you make me look forward to each day. You're my everything, a dream come true. There are no words to express what I feel for you. we will getting married soon. I am dreaming that someday we will see each other not only during my vacation but we will see each other to live a life being together forever and see the future what lies ahead and looking forward what is good for us.

further, I was so happy reading you inner thought that comes to your heart that you let it speaks to me through writings and it comes to my attention because you are always my priority. I was really surprised I recently received three successive letters from you. and that was a stunning sense of a deep unconditional love from you. I'm really glad that you were back from now, the old marivic that i was desire to felt her presence again. I miss her a lot.

i miss you, i miss being with you, I miss your voice often. There are no roses as lovely as your smile, that’s why I sent you a roses even though I know it will dry off when it comes to you, i just miss the whole you and I hope you will keep it till we meet each other again.

in addition, There are no days brighter than the days I spend talking to you on the phone. You're my light in the darkness and There can never be words strong enough to express my love for you. I love you with my body, soul, mind and spirit. You're my everything. I love you so much.

Love always,
xxxxxxx


-----Original Message-----
From: xxxxxxxxx
Sent: Friday, December 25, 2009 12:36 PM
To: xxxxxxxxxxx.
Subject: Happy montly anniversarry!


Dearest xxxxxxxxx,

Its our anniversarry today and christmas day as well. So i wish you a happy christmas. Im hoping we will celebrated christmas together soon. You know i love you so much. And i am always stay with you. Its just sad that we are miles apart. But as i said you are always in my heart and mind and always will be.

Im just waiting for the time that we can hold hands again. We can kiss and cuddle all night long. And be able to sleep together without worries. Facing everyday life and task together loving and supporting one another. And together thanking the Lord for everything He done for us. For He is good with us.

With you and me together soon it will be wonderful. There will have lots of fantastic things to be happenned like wedding and meet our extended families as well. And a preparation how to live together soon and start our own family. It will be exciting for sure that i want it to happened as soon as possible. Im really looking forward to live all mylife with you loving you, caring for you , and just enjoy the life with each other company. Together we will live and explore the world with us. And have a fantastic journey until the end. We will have ups and down. But it wont stop us our goal loving and making each other happy.

Until here my baby, hope you have a nice day thinking of our life will be together soon. I miss your kisses and touch.

I love you and i always willxxxx

love always,
xxxxx

Letter: Merry Christmas!


day 143 - part 4

Dearest xxxxxx,

Good morning! Wow! great deal and this also my reply to your encouraging letter. Wow! I am stuck at your letter for too long. But it's really inspirational. And I am almost let my tears out for these wonderful thoughts of you. I am really silent and no words to say, I can't explain the feelings you had for me. i feel great! it is a pleasure and I am delighted to know how you have been deeply in love with me. but don’t worry you know I've been depressingly In love with you too, always!... I'd suffer a lot and you had once told me that you felt the pain I was facing too.

Anyway, but its not an issue anymore... it just my mind it seems crazy now a days... so far I know we don't have a nice talked last few days or see each other much. But being apart for now doesn't change the way I feel about you in my heart. Sure I'm lonely, and sometimes I'm overwhelmed with this emptiness in my chest. But, just remember that I love you and everything about you. I'm just having overtime at work. and I am doing these for us for our plans ahead, and i will do it often if I had too. Just to meet my dreams to be with you.

However, being apart from you is not a reason. But that's what gets me through every minute of every day that I'm without you. I am depressingly craving to kiss your lips, feel your touch, or even just to see you every night. I really long wanted to hold you and feel your sweet caress again, and if the time would let me, I will do it now, just to do what was my heart says. I have never loved anyone as much as I love you.

You make me feel loved, you make me feel safe, but more importantly, you make me feel wanted. You make me always inspired for your deepest love. Having your love has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. All I know is that I love you, and that will never change.

merry christmas!!! and have a wonderful days ahead of you.. i love you so much.

Love always
xxxxxx

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: xxxxxx
To: xxxxxxx
Sent: Thursday, December 24, 2009 11:56:39
Subject: Fw: Merry Christmas!

--- On Thu, 24/12/09,

> From: xxxxxxx
> Subject: Merry Christmas!
> To: xxxxxx
> Date: Thursday, 24 December, 2009, 8:52
>
>
> Dearest xxxxx,
>
> Merry Christmas to you my dearest loving husband to-be. The
> greatest gift of all i had is to have to in mylife. And the
> best happiness i will have to achieve is to be married to
> you and live together as husband and wife. You know i love
> you so much and i care for you a lot. The love i have for
> you is greater and deeper than you think of. The love is
> unconditional that i cannot control to love you even more
> and give you the best that i have and the best that i can .
> I love you more and more each passing day.
>
> All i can think of is you and how can i make you happy. We
> been argue and been upset when we talked this last few days
> which is normal for we live apart. We are lonely and sad for
> we are not together which is breaking our heart. But it
> would not stop me for loving you. I understand how you feel
> and i know how its difficult to deal with frustration and
> disspointment of not being with me. Because that is how
> exactly what i feel for you. But i am thinking of how to
> love you more and how to make you happy and work out how to
> make us live together is what i focus.
>
> The days past without you near me physically but you are
> with me in my heart, mind, spirit and soul always. You will
> not be apart of me. Your love for me keep me alive and
> inspires my day everyday that i can deal with my everyday
> task. Everyday i thank the Lord for giving you to me. Its a
> wonderful feeling to be loved by you . And a wonderful
> feeling for me to love you completely, wholeheartedly,
> honestly, and faithfully with so much hope and trust that i
> know and i believe we will achieve everything we dream of.
> Our dream one day will become reality. And it will happen
> very soon. I know it will. Now, im waiting patiently and
> faithfully until the day we will see each other on the altar
> . On that day the day will be majestically full of
> excitement, happiness and joy that i know will last a
> lifetime.
>
> Thank you so much my baby for being there with me. For all
> your efforts and sacrifices to make it all happen. You know
> im always be with you to support you in everything. I will
> be with you in sad times and in good times. We will be
> toegether soon and never be parted again. I will understand
> you always, no matter what you say and done , you know i
> will still be with you, you know i will still love you and i
> will love you for the rest of mylife. I will stand by you. I
> will stand by you and be with you always even in
> storms of our life, even the clouds turn gray, even the
> flowers fades, the sea go dry, and the mountains fall. You
> will see me and feel me in the morning every morning still
> with you comfort you and loving you the best i can do.
>
> Most of all in everything you know i love you and will
> always love you and cares for you all the time.
>
> Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year my love.
> We will celebrate because we remember the child was born
> long time ago to be with us and redeemed us to be with Him
> in heaven. HE loves us and have a wonderful plan in our
> life.
>
> I will miss you,
> love always,
> xxxxx

letter: I Stay with You!!

day 143 -part 3

Dearest xxxxxx,
Hi, there Baby. "Merry Christmas!" this is my reply to you previous letter, sorry if I replied late, you know where am I. anyway, thank you for the lovely letter you wrote for me. I really felt the spirit and sincerity of your letter.
You lighting up my heart with the things you do and say. I feel so happy just being with you this way. You're my baby, and will forever be my baby. You will always be the love of my life, and please never give up, just hold tight, I will find you just always have faith with the love I gave to you. we will be together soon. Were miles apart but the gift of hope and love is righteously deserve for us, just bare with me. I will come to you.

Every day I wake up with the thought of you, dreaming for our time together. I never stop thinking about you. I hope you still think of me too. I love you inside and out, I love you all that I was and all that I will ever be.

if time could express my love for you then it's forever and a day. I can't wait to be with you, to see your smile, to look in your eyes, feel your sweet touch, hear your perfect words and kiss your perfect lips. The way I feel about you some people call crazy, some call it insane, but I call it true love. I really love you, and i love you always.

Love always,
xxxxxxx

--------

-----Original Message-----

From: xxxxxx
Sent: Tuesday, December 15, 2009 1:57 PM

To: xxxxx
Subject: I Stay with You!!

Dearest xxxxxxx,

I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart that all your efforts and sacrifices are all very much appreciated. Thank you so much for all the love, care, and patience your are giving me through out the year and all the days that we have a relationship. Im so glad that ive found you. You are the my happiness, my everything , and mylife. I am so happy that you are with me all the time in my sad times and happy times,

in my anger, confusion, and frustrations you always with me to support me spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. You dont know how much joy you are giving me knowing that you love me and care for me for the rest of mylife.

You know we have plan. And im stick with you and our plan. Im doing my best and giving you all the best i can to make it all come true. Im giving you all my love, all my time, all my attention, with all my heart, body , soul and spirit is for you and you alone. I will support you with all your plan with each other,your plan for our own family, your plan to our families, and our plan for the future together. Together we will make it baby. Together we will live loving , caring , understanding, and supporting each other. We will get maried soon. And it will start another new beginning for us to be together. Another day is a day closer to be with each other. I am focusing to you and our plan. Im holding tight thinking of you and the days we will be together is wonderful.

I am waiting, praying, and believing it will all come true in His time. In His presence we are one married in spirit. In His time we will be together....hold on tight... focus.... and praying.... it will come closer and closer with our dreams come true.

I love you so much with all my heart, mind, body, soul and spirit.
I will keep on loving you everyday of mylife.
I miss you so very much.
Take care baby. You know i care for you so much.
love always,
xxxxxx

Post cards 13 - wishing the one i love a very merry christmas




Day 143 - part 2









My mood: 2.0/10

Post cards 12 - Christmas wishes to the one i love

Day 143










My mood: 2/10

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Christmas is over

Saturday, December 26, 2009 0
Day 142

Today, I woke up at 5:30 AM. i woke up with my alarm clock with the same sound of the huge large bell at the church every morning. Christmas is over yesterday and i had stayed at work till night and then I got home late yesterday, I washed my clothes and cleaned my room a bit. Then I talked to her for one and a half hour, then i fell asleep.

today, morning I must got up, I have to go to work. but I did not want to get out of my bed, i just really need to have a sleep just for five minutes more, then I took a nap for five minutes. I wish I could sleep whole day without doing anything and not have to worry for anything. Just to sleep, and hope that I do have a dream at all night seeing her face besides me.

The drive to my work was long and dark. I just cannot help it but to think of how easy things would be if we were together. How easy things would be complete. I should have been thinking about happy life with her, and not having arguments every day. I know someday there will be a perfect things for love a soon as we settled our mind for one thing, but there was no happiness today for me, I still living from the past and always feeling lonely at the moment.

I have had already came along the way and still I have the long way to go for the dreams to fulfill at the future. I don't know what will be the hassle on our journey, i should be ready for it. I know during the journey there will be something it could be happen. I wish i could read their mind, or something that I could see the one minute of the future back tracked. But I am not like that. I am just a normal person that can feel the hurts and pain inside of me. I was never like this. I was never this bad. I was always avoiding issues and that’s why I keep my own boundary to other people so I could at least have a breath without them.

today is no longer Christmas. I am still trying to convince myself that I am something that worth living. I am doing it just hoping I can find one that actually can help my thoughts, and she's doing it now as well, shes doing the right thing for me, were just apart and she's back on the track. It is nice to know that there are others out there that know what goes through my mind every day just reading my blogs, I thank them. for the sincerity of leaving me a comment with positive thoughts.

my mood: 5.0/10.

Friday, December 25, 2009

The mix odd feelings for christmas, SUCKS!

Friday, December 25, 2009 1
Day 141

Oh, I actually woke up this morning slightly excited about the holiday because I’ve got offline messages from my friends who knows me well, and a wonderful lifting inspirational words from my best friend, anyway she’s hot. And I am happy she was my best friend. she’s the best. However, I got up, went to shower and I even found myself singing Christmas songs at some points of the day.

But, I realize I had fooled myself into something that wasn't reality, how could I ever enjoy Christmas if I am alone and I will go home late night this very day “Christmas”. I wish that i have a huge Christmas dinner tonight, but I know I can’t. I wish i would have a family Christmas meal with my family or to the one I love, i hope I can find away to forget this thought of mine. it so stressing thought. Damn it! I miss the smell of the ham came out of the oven, I miss the juicy taste at first bite, but how?! I am alone?! if I thought about it. CRAZY! I always have empty place setting... with no one in it.

Feelings of disappointment and anger came through me, why I always wasting my time here. I was feeling hurt because I just expected myself to "wanna be there" with them or with her on this holiday, but it seems I have to count more years before it happens, I should better came up something new in life that it would made me feel okay. I really hate the reality why the world has hit me and I know the pain I felt, it’s all on my own fears, I always live in the past. I'm shocked that I had really convinced myself that I will gonna be happy for some sort of things, that I had thought from the past and the thought from the future that it might be work, but only the disappointment thing I’d earned so far. So, now I'm pissed off of everything, I know, I know the pain inside will not goes off. I don't even know why and I KNOW it's completely unfair and silly of me. However, that's just the frame of mind I've been in lately. I think I'm going crazy today.

Anyway, If I'm at work, I can forget everything, and I will trying to forget everything If I can. The mix odd feelings for christmas, SUCKS! I felt its quite stressing and it's squeezing my heart tight. i, perhaps, I just miss the old thing that I usually do, or I just missing someone to be with me at this very moment.

Merry Christmas to all! Enjoy the Party!

my mood: 6.0/10.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas eve tomorrow

Thursday, December 24, 2009 0
Day 140

How do i celebrate my Christmas?! That’s the first question comes in my thought today, It's Christmas eve tomorrow. Well it seems that this year is almost over. Just another week more of December. and then before you will come to know it’s just January. I will be here along with a new year & a new age for me to count.

So far I know this evening is the romantic night in my heart always. It's supposed to stay together with the one we love, or one's bf or gf or spending time to your family, or spending time for having sex all night. but my Christmas eve is different I guess, I know I am lonely because it’s my fate and i am nowhere near done with everything i have to do.

i am in super stress out mood since last week and i don't know how i'll get it all done. anyway, its okay there is no rush for me to take, i dont have presents to make, presents to wrap, food to make, goodies to bake, but I got lots of cleaning to do, I don’t have time clean my room for these succeeding days because of my overtime work, I really felt exhausted right then. Perhaps there will be no Christmas celebration for me.

All I should do is forget and live my life as it is.

Merry Xmas to all!!

My mood: 5.9/10.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

another night

Wednesday, December 23, 2009 0
Day 139

I am stressed out. Another night, another sleepless night, another hard work tomorrow at work. I got 3 days overtime and I went home late at night. its quite hard to managed to fall asleep around midnight. I woke up from time to time, its seems like I am just having a nap because an hour and half later, I'm up again. I gave it 20 minutes this time. 20 minutes of laying there, tossing, turning, listening to the noisy cars passed at the street.

but its okay if I see her sleeping, and I saw her moving on her bed and got fear of waking her at the middle of the night just for a small talk. Anyway, I gave up, I just watch her sleeping all night and drawn back to my blogs how was my thought is coming out tonight, but I am tired and I need to sleep now. its quite late now. I still have a work tomorrow.

my mood: 3.7/10.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

just busy

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 0
day 138

Well ok, so I didn’t forgot to write yesterday, I am just busy doing some important jobs. I honestly thought i would get home after work as early as I can just to write anything what was happens to myself. but I came home about 11 pm. And i was too damn tired to get on my laptop, but anyway I just miss her, I wanna see her before I go to bed and this blog is making up for yesterday.

Ahh yesterday....was awesome for me, because I chat to her all day and I had overtime till night, so it was good for me. I will having additional income for my plans ahead. Honestly, I really don’t know what to say for yesterday and today’s blog, what I am think is, I just want to fill my yesterday blog countdown, and for today, because I promise to myself that I will not leave my blog countdown empty. But somehow, on the other side I had have this down mood. And I really hate it. it’s like a wild monster trying to go out and It’s really hard to deal with it, it was really hard to control once the monster goes out.

my mood: 3.5/10.

Monday, December 21, 2009

lovers beneath those trees

Monday, December 21, 2009 1

Day 137

Today, It is windy and cold, But I know I’m getting old, with the folded line on my forehead which i saw in the mirrror, i am still young but it seems i am look like older than my age. its quite nervous, i cant stop the time of ages. i am prisoner of my own mind and thought sometimes, a prisoner of time, So i look around to see the four corners of my tiny room and i wonder where the hell am i. I would Leaving this place some time, but not in this time, never met fears face to face, but I am struggle with myself and my worries all the time.

i slept deep and i dream about the lovers walked beneath those trees, and I am always left felt empty.

I am trying to be strong, to be hard for someone putting me down helplessly. But It was my time of learning, still the big wheels keep on turning, the world still turning, and my days don’t seems to end here.

lovers walked beneath those trees but someday I will Leaving this place, there was no such love on this place, the face I see in the mirror was having additional wrinkled line each day, I already forgotten how my face look like. I don’t want to see my face getting go old here. someday I will leave this place, and the lovers who walked beneath those trees happy, but why I am not the guy besides her anymore?

someday I will leave this place And the lovers who walked beneath those trees love each others. i hope those dreams and and the lovers who walked beneath those trees having love each others tomorrow i can leave it all behind.

someday i will leave this place.

My mood: 7.9/10.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

100 dare things to do before i die

Sunday, December 20, 2009 7

So I've been thinking about what I should write on the Sunday scribbling “dare”. Anyway It sounds like a challenge to myself, and it comes to something I dare to steal or to copy some idea to write the 100 things to do before I die, funny though, it sounds good to me. it seems that I just keeping a goal to myself that from time to time I can see my lifeline what am I achieving of. i hope those list are aren’t exactly giving me the bad interpretation to others. Those list are for fun only. so here it goes.

100 dare things to do before I die:

1. Own a dream house and spend time making it exactly what I want.
2. own a business
3. sleep and cuddle my wife all day without doing any works at all
4. be the boss
5. write the story of my life –
6. visit Disney Land in Japan
7. meet my friends in high school
8. learn to play guitar
9. have my own portrait
10. watch the lunch of the space shuttle live
11. visit Rosswell
12. to be married, Fall deeply in love -- helplessly and unconditionally – it makes me crazy
13. win the lottery
14. make love on top of billiard table - done
15. watch PBA basketball live
16. buy a dozen of red roses and give to my mother and thank her that she gave me a chance to live and say that I love her.
17. give a good birthday party to my father
18. spend a month getting flat abs - in progress
19. Write a blog in the last minute of my life
20. Visit my cousin in Japan
21. Find the job I love
22. Spending Christmas with the whole family
23. Find my greatest strength
24. Travel around the world with my wife
25. Do help my friends and relatives
26. To raise a child of my own
27. Stand on the altar and preach - done, but not in the altar.
28. Compose one great music and lyrics
29. Learn to play skateboard
30. Stay in Boracay for a day’s
31. play chess tournament
32. ride Star City's Cyclone
33. be content to myself
34. learn animation using Adobe Flash CS3
35. obtain lifetime membership at cartoonsmart.com animation
36. develop a talent for photography
37. to have a happy family of my own
38. have my own car
39. to be strong and dominant
40. buy house to my mother and to my father
41. remain open to possibilities
42. learn to accept failure
43. stay focus to God and live with him
44. travel to roam
45. travel to spain
46. have a fight win or loss boxing
47. eliminate the mess in my life, let go of things that don’t matter
48. buy less
49. visit Italy
50. To meet my best friends from miles apart
51. play with my kids
52. finish all debts
53. write every day till I grow old
54. practice how to shoot a gun
55. swim with dolphins
56. full fill my dreams
57. do something every day that makes me smile
58. climb the famous pyramid of Egypt
59. get autograph to Hollywood superstar
60. watch NBA basketball live
61. make a film
62. saving money
63. learn from the past rather than regret it
64. learn to swim professionally
65. learn to make a quality videos
66. learn first aid
67. learn to cook for my wife
68. to get famous in youtube
69. teach my child to read
70. writing letter with my hands
71. learn webpage design
72. to sing worship songs with my family
73. go fishing
74. own internet shop
75. build computer from start to finish
76. Meet someone famous
77.
78. Screen print my original t-shirt Ideas
79.
80.
81. Surprise my wife (always)
82.
83. Discover mutant power
84. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
85.
86. Read the bible
87. Buy original Dvd Back to the Future 1, 2 & 3 - and watch it all
88. Graduate to high school – done
89. Graduate to college – done
90. Repent all my sins
91. Express my feelings without fear or embarrassment.
92. Being responsible husband
93. Write down my accomplishments
94. Memorize bible verses
95. To be brave
96. to make impossible to be possible - hard
97. To see my kids happy
98. Stay focus on my goal
99. Build confidence
100. Complete my list

my mood: 5.9/10.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

annoying behavior

Saturday, December 19, 2009 0
Day 135

I am totally sucks, I can’t control myself. I am always in the wrong turned I don’t know why but I know I am. And it always happened to me, I am totally sucks, I know it’s wrong, i love her so much, very much. but it seems I always wanting to see her or to hear her voice often. i don't know... maybe I miss her a lot, i don't hate being with her, but sometimes I got the whole tied down feeling sucks, if I don’t see her most of the times, I got worried.

and if she don't texted me or call me ro whether she don't answer my phone calls, I freaks out! I am thinking something is wrong! Then it will start my whole lot day feeling down, it really sucks, and if she’s outside, damn I don’t know where to put my butt, my mind wasn’t stop thinking, it’s really scares me, i lost my appetite and i cant sleep.

I really don’t know how to deal with it. I hope I can. I hope I should know how to change this annoying behavior, i hope next day I could decide never to live the same behavior again. Its kinda like i wake up and all I do is go to work, come home, and take care of something that not even mine, my life really sucks.

my mood: 4.0/10.

Friday, December 18, 2009

The things that makes me happy

Friday, December 18, 2009 0
Day 134

The things that makes me happy.

1. The taste of beer
2. Coffee brewed in the morning and @ night
3. A warm night shower for staying fresh all night
4. Strolling at the shopping mall or just walking along the beach
5. if i am in the Good mood
6. Making someone happy
7. Someone whom so special to me that I heard saying “I love you!”
8. Playing Red Alert even though it’s quite old I still love to play the game strategies.
9. Playing PlayStation with my cousins specially “NBA live ‘09” or “ NBA shootout ‘09”
10. To be with my family
11. Feeling loved or something that I will not begging just to love me.
12. Dvd Movies
13. Books
14. Kare-kare Filipino food
15. Filipino Alternative music’s
16. Internet surfing, gaining internet access and discover some other ways of how to learn fast and accurate.
17. When I make her smile
18. Playing basketball all day


But sometimes those list is not enough to make me happy.


my mood: 3.5/10

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Not brave enough

Thursday, December 17, 2009 4
every time I see her, my heart pounds so fast. I acted strong when I am around her, but deep inside me I am weeping. I wanted to tell her things but I was too afraid to let my heart out. I was too afraid that she’d laugh at me. I am such a dummy and I am so stupid! i follow her around like some kind of slave, but I’m glad I am doing it and even though sometimes she didn’t really mean what she said, if I will get hurt. I just want her to know that I gave my respect to her.

Anyway, It happened all back in my college days. It really felt painful to see everyone so happy on the first day of school. Everyone was so happy while I was weeping my eyes out to her. Because she told my friend that her boyfriend and her just broke up, and she spent the night drinking alcohol. so she was quite drunk the following morning. her heart was still breaking apart and her mind was still confused. she walked on the downtown, drunk and woozy, talking nonsense things. A car had almost hit her, and she was unlucky she wasn’t. she was determined to die at that very moment. She’s been with his boyfriend three years back then her boyfriend breaks it just because she found someone more interesting than she is, and that person turns out to be her twin sister who just transfer in to our school.

However, she was depressed and feeling lonely, she went her way to a bridge. I know I am this strange looking guy to her, and I know her, since I was a freshman, I know everything about her, but she doesn’t know anything about me. anyway I just finished my part time job and i am on way to school, I am working student at that moment. And I parked my bicycle on one side. she was really cute but kind of weird with her eyes closed. she waved her hand up and down in front of her face and she just smiled, i pretend that i didnt noticed her, i didnt move. she climbed aboard the railings and she tried once more. I didn’t move again, she was about to climb down when she slipped, since she was drunk and fell off the bridge giving her a huge splash on the face.

Unconscious, everything went dark soon afterwards. And when she woke up, she was in a white quite room. I saw her sleeping with her clothes were changed and a dextrose was pushed in her left hand. And then she sat up and figured she was in the hospital. I was with her, the guy whom she saw at the bridge, and the guy who save her life. i was sleeping on the chair next to her. she grabbed a pillow and threw it at me. I woke up, I stumbled and fell flat on the floor. then she started yelling at me. she was furious! she blamed me for changing her clothes. But I shielded myself with my arms as she stoop from her bed, she continued hitting me with her pillow, then all of a sudden the dextrose was plugged out from her hand and blood started to gush out. i immediately tore a piece of her shirt and tied it on the open wound then i called out for a nurse.

After that, we spent our days together. she called me “sweets”, although i thinks it doesn’t mean anything because she always bully me, I do wish she’s accept me as her friend, a good friend, best friend, or more than a best friend, but the problem is she thinks I am such a wimp to deserve a girl like her. I know she’s hurt inside, i obeys whatever she says.

Whenever we eat out, I will order something good food for her but she would always tell me ”Do you want to die?” And she will order for me. I doesn’t seem to care about it so she was doing it all the time. she would always hit me when I am being late, even though i arrive earlier, but I'm the guy who doesn’t fight back, I just leave it and forget everything what she was doing to me because I know there was a big hole in her heart, I want her to know i just scared to fight back to her because I want her to be tough, and I am here to listen, a shoulder to cry on and someone who will put a smile on her face.

sometimes I don’t know what she was thinking but it seems that she want to climbed on a mountain, i can not do anything just to follow her whatever she likes just to help her forget her past. Next we climbed a mountain once, then she saw another mountain across where we were. she asked me, “Do you think someone could hear us if I shout from here to there?” I shrugged and i said a flat no. she ordered me to go there so we could try it out, I refused once but I give up, I went anyways. I walked down heading to the mountain across until I finally saw her shadow from my place. I waved at her and she started to shout something. Of course, I couldn’t hear her, I shouted back. then we went home.

After that, she told me to meet her at the bridge but things became more complicated. On my way, I saw them talking at the bridge, her boyfriend grabbed her on the arm. I know It was HIM! Yes, the one who broke her heart! then I got confused, I felt that I am not enough, I felt that I am not brave enough to cover her empty hearth, I turned my back and moved on the other directions. My heart was totally broken. I'm not brave enough. I had no choice but not to show up. I’ve been depressed for a month not talking to her, not attending to schools, I just stayed in my room and to my favorite place which I know I could vent and talked to the old beautiful tree besides the bridge when the first time we meet. i know i am not brave enough. Then I live a note on to the cemented railings with the red envelope perhaps hoping she may came over and read my letter to her.

Then after a month’s were not seeing each other, she sent me a letter saying.

Dearest XXXXX

The day I told you we will meet at the bridge, I met my damn boyfriend, even if I wanted him to die at this very moment. He was begging to get me back, but I refused and told him I had someone else. He made it hard for me that resulted to him beating me up. I do not want you to see me the way I really am. thats why dont want to see you for a week... anyhow i knew you would confused what i was shouted on the mountain.

And this is the words i yelled “I’m sorry! I am just a helpless girl!.... I had tears trickled down my face every night and day missing you…. I’m sorry for treating you the way you shouldn’t be treated! I’m sorry for being always tough on you. I know you’re fed up of me and you’re afraid to leave me because I always taunt you. I treat you that way because… because…You’re someone who takes it away from me. You’re someone who listens and wills to do everything just to make me happy. I’m sorry! And I like you! I always had! I’m sorry!”, I knew you couldn’t hear me. But it was too hard to bear so I had to let it out and this was the only way I knew how” I am sorry.

After that day, I knew you wouldn’t wait for me and must be boiling furious. I didn’t go anywhere but to my room. Then, I heard one day you where leaving for some urgent matter. Perhaps you were leaving for good, and to away from me. I searched for you, but I couldn’t find a trace of you. And it came to a realization about your favorite place. I rushed there and saw a note posted on the cemented railings. It was in a red envelope and I wouldn’t miss anything that was red. I took it and read it. It says,

“Even though you act tough, I know you are crying inside, I know it was hurt, so am I. That is why I’ve been always here for you. I liked you; I hope you’re realize that. Goodbye!”

And by that, I never saw you. Months passed, and season change and came. I stood by the old tree that bloomed once at its most beautiful. Yes. This tree bloomed when you and I first met. Right on this bridge. The tree that stood by the bridge lost its beauty when everything went complicated. And now, I am regretting things. So I sat down on one side of the trunk and thought of what you’d probably look like by now. “If only I could see you right now!. you are always stay in my heart forever.”

xxxxxxxx

my mood: 3.0/10

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

it doesn’t make any sense at all

Wednesday, December 16, 2009 0
Day 132

I have 426 articles, some are my rants, some are what I found interest me and I know that I have been blogging a lot, I never miss a day since I started to put my own countdown, I hope it will last till I got old, so I could look back, and see the things from the past. But Sorry, I wrote a lot of my depressed moments, my head is just somewhat crazy more than usual and writing it all down helps me sort things out so much better.

Things are going well I suppose considering all of the circumstances. I just wish that I would listen to myself more often and not second guess every single thought that goes through my head a million times and attempt to rationalize everything. It's so annoying to me.

As far as physical relationship, she can move a lot faster than I am. Till now I am living in the past, and every night were arguing about the past, I really don’t know how I can get over it, it’s so frustrating to me. it doesn’t make any sense at all.

I don't know why, but Last night I am so tired and I went to bed early when I just came back to work, and I spent the time watching her on cam while she was doing a kitchen work till I got sleep, perhaps I am just tired. But it was perfectly was a good thing, I am not completely insane. I just hope that things are going well I suppose.

My mood: 2.9/10.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

post cards 11 - because i love you

Tuesday, December 15, 2009 0
day 131












Monday, December 14, 2009

I’ll breathe her last breath

Monday, December 14, 2009 0
Day 130

I hope everything was in place, I hope everything was coming back to normal from where i just begin. i want her to know how i feel and I know, she’s in confidence that she knows how i feel. i know this relationship is what I thought it was, and we are meant for each other, I don't have to keep reminding her that I'm here or what she meant to me. but I always did.

God knows what she's doing, and last night I decided that today was going to be the first day of the rest of my life to change what I was though about, I am tired for having had a paranoia syndrome. I'm going to try really harder to work out on me. I always thought about her every day, but there were times when the old hurt and anger came through, and I always end up down, lost, and not thinking a good way how to end my insanity. I hope some days there will be a WHOLE lot better than all of my other days.

I am a stronger man and independent than I thought I was. I am a better man than I thought I was, and I want to get her attention to see this and appreciate it. i want her to know I can’t stop thinking about her all the time, I want her to know I’ll breathe her last breath for the love I always wanted. i used to be a good person. I don't know what I was doing now, but she’s meant to be my wife and my forever like I thought she was, I don’t need any reason’s.

my mood: 3.0/10.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

so called Christmas

Sunday, December 13, 2009 0
Day 129

Sunday, I guess it is weekend today and half part of the planet, was preparing for the so called Christmas, I actually normally LOVE Christmas....and that the spirit of christmas but I really cant remember when was the last time I have my Christmas with my family.

Time is so fast, it seems like yesterday that others happily celebrated Christmas. Now Christmas is nearly coming. I know that some people is crazy making Christmas gift list for their friends and love ones. Children are most excited because I know Christmas is for kids.

Anyway. Just a few more weeks Christmas is here! Well almost. But I don’t have anything, I don’t have a tree to be decorated, I now some houses, has tree up and decorated. lights on and it is looking beautiful. Christmas to me is all about the family.

I feel so good about this Christmas season, but I am not feel so good about what I had at the moment it seems that I always feel being alone. not that there has been anything that has happened that is out of the ordinary. I JUST don’t feel good! Anyway just in advance I wanna greet every people in the world, “MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!.” Sounds like I'm a Santa Clause.

I don’t know why I felt this way. I don’t like what I felt today, it seems that my spirit was low.

Good day.

My mood: 7.9/10.

Past midnight

Day 128

It is past midnight, I can't sleep, and I still have to go to work early in the morning, I have to "get up" at 4:30 AM:.

I halfway can't sleep because my idiotic paranoia syndrome and it was disrespectful to me EVERY SINGLE TIME I need to rest... I'm tired of it.

The other half is... I don't know, I still don’t know what I need to do. I never have been able to sleep well, but now it seems to progressively get worse. Too many things cycle in and out of my head so fast... I don't know. i can’t relax.

This is another one of those "I feel alone" nights. which, it's true. I am alone, all the time. It seems to be I am ignored a lot of times..., right, I can say something like "I got headache, I'm stressed, help me, I beg you." I'm excluded and disregarded.

That's not a huge deal, I'm kind of used to it. but everyone needs someone, to look after for yourself someone who truly will focus and care for you, right? you know?

I hope at Christmas time I know I will be alone or feeling alone again on Christmas day, I hope ill have something else to be busy, so at least I'll be doing something different for that time, forget everyone, who i care so much but I am disregarded. Somehow, someday when I get out, I won't be coming back here. I don't want to live here.

But I don't have anywhere else to go... I'm thinking about moving out again, change my phone number, cut all the communication I got at the moment, but I don't know if I can.

If I moved there, I wouldn't have ANY human interaction, period. Is it a bad thing though? I don't know. I guess time will tell.

I don't mind not having friends at all, I just don't like to be excluded from what few friends I have left, if I can even still call them friends.

I just wish that I at least had someone special to share my solitude with, you know? Like... if both of us had no friends but each other... I'd be okay with that, if she was. But I haven't found her yet.

Hopefully someday, she'll magically show up on my doorstep on a cold rainy night and we'll live happily ever after with each other. Yeah, it's not just girls who have fantastical ideas like that...

As of now, I'm stuck here listening to the idiots screaming in the youtube. I can't do anything about it. I hope I get a good dream tonight. I really cant sleep tonight and it was almost 1:00 am, i tried to call but i cant reach her, anyway im tired perhaps i should forget about everything and have a good sleep. nobody will listen and care.

i dont care what kind of a post i have tonight, i guess im not in the mood to proofread it.

My mood: 6.9/10.

Friday, December 11, 2009

The fourth kind

Friday, December 11, 2009 1
Day 127

I Woke up at 4:30am. Yes, A.M. It's quite early for me on Friday that I should wake up late. I usually don't rise before eight, but I thought something was wake me up early, an excellent opportunity to do some exercise, like brutal abs exercise before doing some other house work, anyway before I start the exercise I watched DVD movie “The Fourth Kind” by Milla Jovovich, I think better not to watch this movies if your heart is not transplant, it really scares you off.



however, Some people can't watch movies in the morning, just as they can't eat anything sweet that early. So far I did not finished almost the entire movie, It really scares me, it seems that the movie will summoned your lives if you are alone watching it, perhaps it will not affect the scary thing if your heart-transplant thingy. They shout a lot in that movie, a different kind of voice from the recorder, and that was really scares the hell out of me. I don't like it in real life when someone shout in the background with your own voice, and you know that you are the only one alone recording it, and the sounds came from was like six feet under. that was scary! It really woke me up. anyway it was a true story.

My mood: 3.5/10.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Drama

Wednesday, December 9, 2009 2
day 126

It was cold again this morning and the weatherman says it’s suppose to stay that way for a good long while!

Anyway, Drama, drama, drama, wow! Its common. I hate drama. But I don’t know how I’ve been engage for this type of emo. It seems no matter how hard i try, i cannot escape it.

there were times I’ve been focusing to my work all day but sometimes suddenly pop ups into my mind and it will pause me a second or a minute and my mind will fly and think of a drama for how life was treated me, or how my life was going forward. I know there was a time i can be doing absolutely nothing wrong and somehow, it still seems to find where is my drama lies.

my mood: 5.9/10.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

sleep it off

Tuesday, December 8, 2009 0
Day 125

So I haven't been around much the past couple of days -- life has been SO busy at work. I've been up until 6am for two nights in a row trying to think how was my life it would be. But I can't sleep now...I finally have a night where I don't have to do ANYTHING, and I want to enjoy every second of it.

I started doing that...started up my laptop... but I remember something that it wasn’t supposed to remember, I am dead! I hate if my thoughts not to stop thinking this way. this would have brought me to panic attacks and tears. But I just keep it, I know no one will got worried about me. I just let it cool down and decided not to write a Blog to vent for what I feel last night because I know the outcome will be bad.

But now...I feel like it's just another attempt at getting someone’s attention. i need to get over it. I really need to stop myself emotion, Really really soon.... maybe it's better I will stays at my flat slept depressed line than inflating and deflating every other day to my blog. I know it’s not fair . I knows the thought of that scares the shit out of me. I know I am being sensitive then.

I made a promise I will stick to the plans, I will stick to it. I will never try anything like that. I know somehow the promised, and the swears word could not be broken. I really hope it doesn't. I know for the most part this stuff isnt my fault...but I would feel guilty if it came to that.

Anyways. I don't particularly want to talk about that right now. Just thought I'd let it out.

I'm so tired from these past few days...things have been stressful and emotional, and I just really want to sleep it off...so I think I will.

My mood: 6.5/10.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Weird room

Monday, December 7, 2009 4

I just moved house six months ago. I don’t like the room because it was too small for me to fit my belongings, but I love to stay because of the cheaper rent from any other apartment. My bedroom overlooks a road. And I’m always up from time to time because of the noise on the street.

Every day I started off like any normal day. I got up, flipped my laptop, checked my email, ate breakfast, and going to work and thought about what I needed to do today. Yes, I had my routine down pat. but a something weird happened in my first few weeks that I can’t explain. Ever since i moved here into my small room I found that my belongings either disappeared or were moved across the room.

For weeks I’ve thought it was miss place by me, I mean that something that I forgot out in my mind, it’s so annoying but seems like that happened, I always leave it on one place because it is only a small room and I can easily find which place I leave. All last week, when I was woken up by my alarm clock, it took me longer than usual to find my clock. Not because I had a new bedside table. Not because my new bed is bigger. I haven’t moved my alarm clock at all. But every morning I woke up and found my alarm clock had been moved to the sofa or on to the floor far from my bed.

Now I’d decided on two theories, one was that someone was moving it as a joke. So not funny, because I am alone in my room. And the other was that I was sleepwalking and moving it myself. Now to eliminate the factor that I was sleepwalking, I moved the alarm clock into the table and put a note that I put it there just to remind me. The following morning I found my alarm clock, as always, on the floor near to my bedroom door. Anyhow I don’t know who’s to be blame bcuz I am alone living in my room.

I was confused, I knew i wasn’t moving it.

My mood: 3.0/10.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

3.5G Internet Mobile

Sunday, December 6, 2009 1
Day 123

Hey!..i’ve gotta Nokia N95 with Lana 3G Sim card from STC saudi arabia and I like the way it works, anyway I am long bored just to received calls and text messages into my mobile, i need to do something more usefull or get a life in my mobile, and so far taking photos or videos from my mobile  and transferring my stuff into my laptop its kinda lotta of works to be done... i am lazy to do these kinda stuff and you know if you try to upload your photos and videos it will take ages to finish that Damn uploading thing in my PC! Crap!

However, I installed YouTube application and its working well on my Mobile for entertainment viewing only. Anyhow, I am just using the capability of the 3.5G features. But it will not work if your mobile is not connected in the internet service provider . Then, my first question? How could I ever get connected in the internet mobile service? How could i make cheaper overseas calls? or a free chat perhaps?

after a long of weeks researching for a better answer. So I found the solution for my own problems. I’ve gotta the information from the web that my sim Lana services was launch mobile free internet service for six months so am lucky I can surf the internet for free. there was no other mobile services providing those kind of free stuff and I am enjoying watching YouTube and surfing other cool websites. So far I can upload my stuff in YouTube more faster in the Robot device.

now for free chat, you can download the Nimbuzz application and Fring application in your robot mobile device. For voice calls you can used as well Nimbuzz and Fring application but you should subscribe and purchase Voip redeemed voucher(ex. Actionvoip.com, Smartvoip.com.). you can pay it through online or banking payments. those application can make your calls cheaper.
my mood: 3.5/10.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

my father’s 54th birthday

Saturday, December 5, 2009 2
Day 122 - part 2

Its December, and that means pretty much one thing to me, Christmas is coming soon! So I guess every house hold is ready to celebrate the holiday session and perhaps the Christmas countdown is ticking in every offices and houses. Yah! Right! I know… yeah it’s my father’s birthday, I didn’t send any amount for his birthday celebration yet, because I haven’t got my salary at the moment. Stay cool! Just calm down!

Anyway, I’m excited to celebrate my father’s birthday. because, when I sat my butt with all my friends and cousins drinking till down, doing some crazy, videoke, i miss to sing as well. I miss being crazy too sometimes. anyway, I just remember the last time we hung out, I'm going crazy, it used to be everyday but now since I’ve been here all is gone.

i wish him more birthdays to come.

my mood: 3.5/10.

Green is sexy?

Day 122

Why green is sexy? Yah! I’ve got the message loud and clear! … Green is sexy, who the hell is Mr. Green? No! not Mr. Green from “HULK”. I mean, green living! bloody hell! There's no getting away from climate change, so go green, being eco friendly is sexy and everyone knows responsible is sexy.

I am thinking what if I color myself with green and scream! so they will gonna hear me promoting green is sexy.

my mood: 3.1/10.

Friday, December 4, 2009

i've got no other choice

Friday, December 4, 2009 1

day 121

Everything fell into place this morning. I woke up and for some reason I had all of this determination. However, Yesterday was the start of planning new things. I should plan ahead bcuz I predicted that i will be back here where my work lies, i've got no other choice to make. But i felt it's nice to think that I will be back next year to where I live alone, perhaps I need to be alone. sigh...! I gotta lot of things to accomplish and yet to put the right things in place. i need to breath... just need to be sure that i am ready to let go everything what i am holding now. anyway i cant tell at the moment that my plans was a mess up, i need to see the outcome first. so far i still gain control of what went into but if  somethings goes wrong, well i should consider it's a mess up rules, it means that's not beyond my control. I hope i can hold it till next year, gotta lot of times to wait.

well I don’t know why I always felt like everything in my life is falling apart... when everything crashes, your self-control kicks in? That's what I think happened to me today. Sometimes my spirit gives up, I lost control of every aspect of my life if I think of it every day. Yet, I haven't allowed myself to hit onto the ground again. It will not gonna happen again.

now I feel alright. I know every things gonna be alright. Right now, I think that's all that counts. I should think for a positive one and feel the difference, and as long as I feel it... I can dream of it and believe it will happen, and believe I will achieve it.

Right now, I should wait patiently. I know I can't get around all that well by now, there’s a wall blocking my way at the moment and I cannott see the clearer vision what will gonna happen in the next very day. And I should wait, somehow I will get back on my feet if my time comes. I think I just need to take it easy. I let this overcome me while I am fighting for my freedom. Nothing could ever change my mind.

my mood: 5.5/10.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Sadness

Thursday, December 3, 2009 1
Day 120 – part 2

Well, what else can I say… it’s always end to nothing! is that life sucks? It never ends. A couple days I'm happy then one event and I'm back to upset... Am I crazy? I hope not. I'm pretty sure I am not. but I'm not bothered by that... so I get distracted by a memories something in the past that I couldn’t imagine how does it happen, and I always asked to myself why? for all the good thinks I made, it seems that there is no value for each and every damn things I showed. I know its past, it sounds crazy. But its killing my thoughts if sadness came across.

It's not really a big deal, because done is done, right? You can buried it in the past, you can say it that way, Because you are the doer. But it just stung for someone who cares for you so much, and i can say that i am human because i felt i am injured i fell the harm, the pain, the suffering and it hurts my soul and spirit. but how could you ever walked away, if it’s already lives in your memories. perhaps i thought sadness is meant to be happen.

just a rants.

my mood: 7.6/10.

Sexting

day 120

Do you ever heard the word sexting? I know its not a word that everyone is familiar with; Sexting is the practice of sending text messages by cell phone that contains sexually explicit photos, or language. A new trend in youth, the law has yet to catch up with the practice: those who send sexually explicit images are engaging in transmitting child pornography.

Sexting could harm the emotional aspect of your child. 7 or 8 grade can be a particularly rough time for many, even those who appear to have things together in their life. For those with self esteem issues, emotional problems, or who might feel things deeply, eighth grade can be a devastating time as children at that age often succumb to peer pressure.

my mood: 6.7/10.

related article:

Law enforcement, schools warn of sexting dangers

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Snow globes

Wednesday, December 2, 2009 0
day 119

last night I dream about snow globe, I dreamt that my life was happening inside the snow globe, it just like magic, I can feel the magic floating in the air, When I am alone and in peace inside the snow globe, I dreamt about you're my every everything that I could ever dream of. Do you know that if I was not living in the transparent sphere that was made of glass I will be in your side by now, I know it was my life written and I thought as well that was my fate.

I dreamt i was living inside the snow globe. You know that you’re amazing because you are living on the outside world free to do your will. and yet you left me wanting more because I am trap inside the snow globes hopeless, I am sad and I’m lonely, Forever and ever because I am living inside the snow globes. Waiting for someone to activate the snow falls, watching the flakes fall down slowly through the fake water and listen to the music box that plays a Christmas carol.

I wish the snow globes could bring magic, happiness and luck whoever owns it.

my mood:3.9/10.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

And if only it was that easy

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 1
Day 118

i was happy saying about my plans in good progress, and you are always in my plans, I always seen you sitting in the front seat of my plans, and I want you to hold it till we get there, just hold it tight. I love you, I want you, I’m yours to gain, just hold it tight.

You are always in my mind and I always seen you in my visions, I am just here having a fight for the time laps at will. Just hold it tight. Don’t lose your grip. I love you as you are, i love your heart warming smiles and if only it was that easy. We are together now. but just hold it tight.

I will not waste my time, I would cross the world, Sail all oceans and climb the highest mountains, and it only it was that easy, we are together now, but just hold it tight. We will be forever together, And talk about the sons and daughters that we were dreaming. and if only it was that easy.

Please stay focus, don’t lose your grip. You are failing down. you’re not holding tight. Your shadow was fading fast and you’re getting tired of holding it.

baby you are always on my mind and I always see you in my visions, I love you forever, we will be together soon. please dont waste our plans... but why now you’re not holding tight. i love your smile, I am fighting here and wounded so bad and if only it was that easy, we're free.

but i hope you were not tired and you will not left me in vain. because it is easily break my heart into pieces.

But you are always still in my plans, I always seen you sitting in the front seat of my plans, I love you, I want you, I’m yours to gain. i always keep fighting till my plans gets done, i will hold it tight.

And if only it was that easy, we will be together forever.
My mood: 5.9/10.

Monday, November 30, 2009

I must cool down

Monday, November 30, 2009 0
Day 117

For the first time in the short history that I was created with myself, if i could call back my time, I actually don't want to be here, I don’t want it to happen.

I got this strange revelation. I was at work, and usually I would be thinking and daydreaming someone who’s special next to my heart, I just don't want to, I just need to cool down.

Still, I keep having twangs of guilt and regret for my thoughts - but I'm being strong this time. I have willpower and a sense of self worth now. I am worth much more than this. I deserve to be loved just as I love. I will not give my love away for free no more. Not anymore. It's just how I roll every night if I couldn’t sleep, thinking for someone never thinks of me.

I need to be inspired, one needs to encapsulate my desires and imagination to keep me interested, for something that worth doing.

it seems like there’s a brick wall between the line now - and I couldn't be bothered to climb over it anymore. Yes, because it hurts too much to keep on keeping on with this, but also out of "I couldn't be fucked" anymore syndrome.

How long can one continue to cry to a wall that won't listen?

I can't do it anymore... I must cool down..

My mood: 3.5/10.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Great love

Sunday, November 29, 2009 0
Day - 116

THE GREAT LOVE



The way is too thight to get through

and It’s quite hard to get nearer to hold you

so many scary things bothers in my thought to unfold

the mind overwhelmed my thoughts, uncontrollable.


You never know how hard I try to fight just for the love every day I cried

and You’d never realize the extreme sincerity of my deep emotion for each tears will fall

yet my love is great


Without you my life would be end up nothing

I can’t breathe without you

I can’t live without you

you are my unseen strength, my greatest love

My life is meaningless, forbidden for what I’ve thought I would live

I hate my life without you,

I hate everything if I am alone forsaken.

But the only reason I am still here is you.

Your great love keep me alive


I never thought I’d needed anyone like you.

I never thought that you will love me but i am wrong
Now, I cannot leave you alone

I don’t want to leave you.

my fate is to live with you my mind, body, soul and spirit

Do you love me as well? Do you have faith in me?

do you believe that love is the greatest gift?


If I lose you I won’t let myself live this way. i'll not be here

If I lose you, I will break like a glass. i'll not be here


I can’t break free with myself steem

If I die at least I have you in my heart.

You are the only reason I’d live.


But For you i know it so easy.


I just hope you don’t leave me like most other people have done.

I know you know me better than anyone.

I know you appreciate and care for me.

I know you won’t leave me as soon as a better option comes along.

I know you have learned to love me for who I am.

I know we love.

its a great love


my mood: 2.5/10

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Hard to answer

Saturday, November 28, 2009 2
day 115

sometimes, I asked a lot of question in my mind but it seems that It's hard to answer the question 'What's wrong?' When nothings right.

my mood: 2.5/10.

damn! 2012

Day 114

Friday, wow! I feel i wasted my whole day, bcuz, I was slept all afternoon and I woke up around 7:30PM. anyway, i prepare my dinner but shit happened sometimes, I didn't finish what I was cooking bcuz I’ve gotta short of condiments or additive. so I went outside then i ate at the restaurant, then I walked back at my apartment, next i took a warm bath and again hooked in the internet and nothing found interesting… then at this moment i am watching 2012 Movies at my laptop and I am drinking Pepsi at my side.. I waited Marivic to get online unfortunately he was busy at work, but I will just stay here till she’s coming back home...

next at this very moment, half way of the movie, i started to feel emotional again, damn! 2012 movie, the world is not gonna end yet! warning! dont watch this movie if you are not ready to face the end of the world yet....however, so sad to say that I am realizing i miss her so much. i can't help it. I love her so much. i know this for a fact. i am realizing the time I had spent with her when we are together and i miss her so much every day, I always wake up thinking about her. dreaming that i just want her back to me. Hoping that i just want all of it back everything, from the moment we have been together. I wish that i have a piece of 30 minutes to bring back the time how I felt her love to me.

my mood: 1.7/10.


Thursday, November 26, 2009

gifted bloggers

Thursday, November 26, 2009 0
Day 113

Today is the first day of nine days holiday’s here in the arab country, and I slept all day.. resting cause I found myself tired working eight hours a day for the whole week, boring... but that’s the way it used to be. Because, there’s no other place to enjoy yourself here, you should live by the rules. So far internet is my gate way of my enjoyment and doing my personal blogs, make fun online. going outside a bit and walked for a change, watching new arrival DVD movies. And that is the way how I finished my everyday living.

330/365 - It's All Around Me

however, I've been around, visited other bloggers profiles and blog posting. reading, commenting, and oh gosh, some of them have hundreds and hundreds of comments in one posting. I wonder, how do they do that? How can they get these great stories to blog about? Maybe I'm the one boring, not everyone else. But, I am funny enough, but my blogs quite boring.

yet I like excitement too. I'm pretty much neutral, but my whole life often consists of boring stuff anyway. These bloggers, or as I call them, gifted Bloggers, can top awards if this world's got awards for best blogger of the year or something like that. Being a gifted bloggers must be fun. Actually, I kinda like having people comment on my postings, (even though this is not my first posting I've ever done, other’s always uncommented….shame…).

I guess I just did.... Does that make me an attention seeker? But I'll bet that everyone here wants someone to read their blogs and comment, or else they wouldn't have made a blog in the first place! anyway I know I don’t have the talent to blog, I'm just venting..

Hey! is there someone knows what to chose a good niche to post so each one who read my blogs would spark their ideas in their mind and then they will share it on my comment box?

I hope someone get my attention, and share there thoughts to me....

My mood: 1.5/10


 
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