Monday, August 31, 2009

The Writer's Prayer

Monday, August 31, 2009 0
Afternoon...
Day 28- Part 2
The Writer's Prayer

Open my mind, Lord. Grant me the talent to write with clarity and style, so my words go down rich and smooth, like fine wine, and leave my reader thirsty for more.

Open my heart, Lord. Grant me the sensitivity to understand my characters--their hopes, their wants, their dreams--and help me to confer that empathy to my reader.

Open my soul, Lord, so I may be a channel to wisdom and creativity from beyond my Self. Stoke my imagination with vivid imagery and vibrant perception.

But most of all, Lord, help me to know the Truth, so my fiction is more honest than actuality and reaches the depths of my reader's soul.

Wrap these gifts with opportunity, perseverance, and the strength to resist those who insist it can't be done.
   Amen.

-- Sandy Tritt
My mood: 7.1/10

I lie awake

Morning..

Day 28

Today is another day of my countdown, I miss the fragrance smell of my morning hot coffee, I want to taste and to smell the scent of my hot coffee every morning. One sip of it makes my heart feels warm and relaxing. But you know I’m not having a good sleep 2 nights in a row, I don’t know why but it just happen.

However, when I lie awake at night and I wonder if she is dreaming sweetly or if she is afraid to fall asleep because she is lonely and longing to be held with me or sometimes when i close my eyes and I saw her in her couch sleeping…, I wonder if she's dreaming of me? how i wish she could...

There was a time I stare into the distance and I try to imagine where she is at that very second. who she's with? what she’s doing? I wonder if she’s smiling when she remember me? I hope she’s not thinking about the bills she has.

Sometimes at night I can't sleep because I wonder if she’s sad or I upset her on chat, I am worried, I love her so much. I move and I turn because I wish that I could touch her slightly, if only to let her know that she is not alone in the universe. I love to hold her in my arms so that she will feel safe and warm. far away from the cruelty of a bitter existence in the cold and lonely world.

I want to feel the beating of her heart against my palm to know that right there within her heart beats I am always there to the purest and truest love in the world. but sometimes I find myself breaking down because I can feel that she is hurting and I can't be there beside her to stop the pain. I feel helpless.

One wish. One hope. One chance. I would hold her hands and with my every being I would bring her home to me. just stay with me, stay focus. I will be with you soon.

My mood: 7.1/10

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Hot Coffee

Sunday, August 30, 2009 0
Morning..

Day 27

as I sit here sipping my hot coffee, it seems that the taste was great,… although I know at first I was feeling I’m on the bad mood today, I know life's isn't always easy but this is really hard. And my own feelings are beyond me…..I was thinking deeply. another taste of coffee it would be nice… sigh….

I still hate myself, I don't know what's going on, I don’t know how long I will keep on doing this with myself? how long I will keep on remembering this?..... One of the real problems is that I don't feel good about myself, if I remember the things that makes me hurt. I have really bad self-esteem and my sensitive idiotic personality, the emotional fool that I am, I always gets hurt… now.. I feel cold and another sip of coffee perhaps it makes me warm…

but I'm not giving up, I'm just frustrated with life. I need my happiness back. Maybe happiness is a choice I've given up, I don't know. It's not like I'm sad all the time but many times, I'm just upset and sometimes, it is overpowering...the sadness…

I know this blog it doesn’t make any sense at all. I grab my coffee maybe it will warm my heart …. And take a deep breath….

My Mood: 7.0/10

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Full of surprises...

Saturday, August 29, 2009 0
Afternoon..

Day 26- part 2

Life is full of surprises...do you agree? if you ask me, my answer is absolutely yes! How can I say that? it’s simple because my life really amaze me all the time at random...living here in saudi for almost a year by now i have been seen the twist and turns every day, straight and curves of the road, dark’s and bright, ups and downs.. you would always encounter.

but the question is are we strong enough to deal with life’s surprises? the answer is all in our bare hands. Sometimes it’s really hard to face it if you don’t know the outcome.. I don’t believe in destiny. we are the one who controls and manage our life. if we let influences drown us, then nothing is gonna happen. Standing straight and strong in this path of life is always possible.

Having great philosophy, determination, willingness and submit yourself to God, is the great armor and weapon for us to fight the battle of life. The battle that no end, the battle that only us could manage... there’s no one else but you…

My mood 7.3/10

Good day

Morning...

Day 26

Today has been a good day, Although accidentally I cut my finger last night, it’s quite painful but I do used first aid to stop the bleeding. Anyway, I drew upon the inspirational energy from my prayer before going to work this morning, and I've been able to feel the difference every day.

I've been more focused and more confident than I've been the past couple of days with my baby. Now to keep it going through the weekend I must think positive.

My mood 7.3/10

Friday, August 28, 2009

My busy day...

Friday, August 28, 2009 0
Morning...

Day 25

Good Morning, It is 25th day of my countdown 9:48, Friday Morning. I woke up not feeling the best because still I felt the tiredness of my body for yesterday practice. Yesterday, 11:30pm When I went home I found out that I don’t have my Internet connection, damn rats! They bit my cable to the last... so I forced myself to fixed my Internet connection and I should have finished it before dawn.

I didn’t wasted my time. then after dinner with my fellow friends upstairs. I rushed down quickly in my room then I took out my stuff, a pliers and cable tie’s. I started cutting out the cable on the wall, and I rolled the cable smoothly so it is easier for me to pulled upward, I shouldn’t do mistakes and I must work and think organized because I am doing it alone.

I finished pulling all the cable going up to the fourth floor, I doubled checked the cable if it was still working but there was no signed of it. Then, suddenly I feel the floor was shaking and I am at the fourth floor at that moment, I saw someone’s hysterically shouting and running fast, I am not finished on what I am doing, I am still standing and asking what if the ceiling would fell down rapidly, the floor was still shaking then I ran down quickly, I leave all my stuff behind as it is. 12:00 AM Midnight, I met my friend Edwin at the street, then my other friend’s, they showed one by one. It was scary moment.

While waiting for the after shocked, The store was open till 2:00am midnight, I bought 60 meters category type 6 cable for my Internet connection. 1:00 AM, we return back. then I had begun to setup testing the cable if it is working. I saw the led was lit green. Now I know the connectivity would be restored shortly.

Now everything was okay, I began to layering the cable as well as putting cable ties for dressing to be seen nicely at the wall, I dropped down the cable down to the second floor, then I went down to pick it up, I took a stick to pulled the cable near me, I grab it. Then I layered and dressed it perfectly until it reach into my room. I went back upstairs to connect the cable at the modem and I took back my laptop with me because I’ve had done testing and I know my work is finished.

Finally, I open my laptop and I attached the other end of the Internet cable into my laptop, then I saw the Internet connectivity has been restored. I had a sleepless night, it’s really quite tiring going up and down on the stairway for about 20 times. pulling, layering and dressing the cables its lots of worked to be done, but I didn’t lost my will to see my baby. It was my goal to see here before I went to sleep. I love her so much.

This is my life achievement, to show my love that has no end and this is what I wanted to do so. I just want to start out small and simple to be seen to get her attention that I love her so much with no end. I always put my will and encouragement to show how I always love my baby. well done.

My mood: 7.3/10

Practice

Evening..

Day 24 part 2

So I played basketball just one set, I did promised to myself and to my team mates that I will play one set tonight and I will continue my practice in the volleyball, then they let me play volleyball as soon as the basketball was finish.

I was tired during practice because I had played not only four sets straight, but i played more than what I was expected.This time I will not focus my attention only for basketball but also to volleyball, although I know I am not active last consecutive practices but I am still willing to contribute my skills and game.

My mood: 7.2/10

Thursday, August 27, 2009

A brand new day

Thursday, August 27, 2009 0
Morning..

Day 24

Today is a brand new day, that makes yesterday the past. Surely it’s a past I choose not to remember. I'm working hard to build a wall around that day a wall so thick, that my mind won’t break it down. It's the only way I can forget the things that happened. I don't mean to run, but it’s like how can you not run.

My haunted Yesterday was not one of my best moments. I'm scared that if I even write down what happenedit will come back to haunt me. Only when I am completely ready to look back on the events, is when I will break down my wall inside my mind. But only when i'm ready. When I know I won't fall down from painful memories and linger.

In other news.I'm kind of really excited, but little bit worried at the same time. The days are coming too fast for my liking. In a few short months my baby and i will getting married soon, I am excited to dream about it. And I hope I will not going to be away from her anymore and moving away, Far from here. it’s quite sad but that’s the way it should be. I'm glad that we were doing the right thing, doing what makes us both happy, really I am.

My mood: 7.2/10

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

i will never give up

Wednesday, August 26, 2009 0
Afternoon....

day 23- part 2

I will never give up my dream to be with your for the rest of my life. whatever i will come across. I am sure that only we have more confidence. we will overcome the hardships.

life always give many challenges to us, maybe sometimes we are not willing to face them. For that we are afraid of dealing with them. but we have no choices. we must face them. only we overcome it. we will gain success in the furture. stay with me, stay focus and we will be together soon.

My mood: 7.2/10

Mirror Mirror

Morning...

Day 23

Mirror mirror on the wall.
Who's the fairest of them all?
Mirror mirror on the wall.
will he catch me if i fall?
Mirror mirror on the wall.
Is he the one after all?
Mirror mirror on the wall.
What would happen if you fall?
Mirror mirror on the wall.....
you didnt tell the truth after all.

My mood: 7.2/10

read if you like..

Evening…
Day 22- part 3
Okay, I can't really think of anything to write so I thought I'd just post something I wrote a couple.
now I am in my quiet room sat in front of my laptop, having chat with my baby and while thinking what to say to my last blog for tonight, i took my evening coffee.
my mind is empty, I just wanna say goodnight
And that it’s for tonight...
My mood: 7.2/10

Ride on the bus

Afternoon...
Day 22- part 2
I felt tired and I hate to see the hand of time was having too slow to moved forward. 4:50pm I went out to ride on the bus. a few minutes later, the transport has arrived and I sat in the middle of the passenger seats and the bus was running fast to drop as in downtown.
then I look far out of the window thinking if she will be back home or she will be staying tonight to her friend’s house, but she promises she will be going back home to see me on the web, then I felt okay and calmed.
While we are on the way to the downtown suddenly I felt sleepy and drowsy, the ride was cool… I didn’t noticed that we arrived on the spot.
My mood: 7.2/10

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Courage

Tuesday, August 25, 2009 1
Morning...

day 22

I’m glad we have done it again! I don’t know how to express my happiness and so much emotion that I’ve feel right now but I am high in spirit to tell you this, “Happy Anniversary!” and I love you more than you love me.anyway, I don’t want to put so much emotion on it because I don’t want to look corny..

However, I just remember the old times when we first met it was like I knew from that day on that you were the one I would spend the rest of my life forever. God, it was my amazing day at the airport, I love that part coz it was so romantic.

I know we have problems, and everybody does - that means I will not give up on us or you, I love you so much! I can't stand being away from you, sleeping without you. Just having you there reassures me that everything will be alright. You are like God's dove, so beautiful, so pretty, so loving, caring, and that's what I love, the fact that you love me for who I am, not what you want me to become.

Thank you, God, for this special woman, you gave me - I can't thank enough for the love and beauty that I found and In this way with God's blessing we have been married in spirit, which is I will be faithful, trustworthy, responsible, dependable, honest and sincere in everything for what our future may hold.

Yes, I fought a battle just a few months before and still I am working to fight for this love to get stronger than ever, and in time it will be granted. I always have my courage and willingness to bring you with me in my heart and in my soul and Nothing can keep you away from me, unless if you will just say you don’t love me anymore and you will give up on me. I wish it won’t happen. i love you more that my life. Good or bad I’m with you. Please hang on and stay with me.

Happy Anniversary!

my mood: 7.2/10

Monday, August 24, 2009

Night Walk

Monday, August 24, 2009 0
Evening…

Day 21-Part 3

Just thought to share my night walk in downtown and for the mainstream, everyday, like a normal people, I thought to share my daily walk with you.

I love walking in downtown, with the colors of the night, the lights that glows everywhere and I love how I feel when I take a walk at night, visiting stores for the new DVD Movie’s to watch and the new gadget has been released, am a gadget lover. However, I feel free from worry and relaxed, and able to free my mind of cluttered thoughts. A place I can be and not be judge, a place I can go to release untold energy and worry of everyday life.

The daily rind and grind that life, through people and demand, that are put on you. Walking is something I can do that I am free to be me and not worry what people think. You don't have to be a certain age, or color, or gender, or pretend, or anything, you don't have to be or say anything but what is you. You can speak your mind, or exert your feelings by walking, if your sad, walk. If your mad, walk, If your frustrated, walk.

By the time you’re done walking, you’re not feeling anything but freedom, peace, and an uncluttered mind, and in the process you do something good, you got out there and explored the world, excising and moving your body in healthy ways that help you lose the pounds, and if you’re like me, you know that losing the pounds, is a hard thing. So, I thought to share this passion of mine, a passion for God and a passion of walking.

My mood: 7.1/10

Post card - 5 Special day

postcards-1
postcards

every songs I heard

Morning...

Day 21 

you know that almost every songs I heard in the last few days reminds me of you. It’s as if the iPod know how much your face is the only thing I want to see every day.. The fact that you are a hundred miles away and we are cutting ourselves off from one another for a year but it doesn't negate the fact that I miss you. I Hate to sound wildly lame here, but for the first time lyrics to songs that have been played thousands of times before now make sense to me. It’s like these words have found new arts of understanding that I have been miss you.

we were getting married soon as we talked about it all the times. This promise just makes me feel worse to miss you often, I guess. Cause even when you're far from me after you leave me for good there will be hopefully still be a random message or chance to hear your voice or I will see your smile in the web.

for the first time I knew it has been captured perfectly and that’s makes me sad but apparently happy when the song played in my iPod and remember the things that we had been together for a weeks. Now, I feel, I will no longer get to taste your sweet lips and also when I am wrapping my arms around your waist is no longer bearable, we both know we shared love for a little while. I hope you value it But I hope this time we will be together forever and everything will not be an option.

my mood: 7.3/10

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Overreacting

Sunday, August 23, 2009 0
Day 20 - part 2

i should not keep myself from overreacting to my own emotions. I have to fight myself to stop reading between the lines. I am great at fill in the blanks, usually with the wrong word! My imagination should really be put to better use. Must find my gift. I need to keep my hands busy so my mind will stay here closer to the ground. I believe I have taken enough time off and I am recharging my batteries.

Stepping away is not the worst kind of defense mechanism, it might be the best for me. I am starting to understand I can only take so much emotionally and then I just need to back up, hibernate, refresh. I do not need to tackle it all at once. I need to breathe and give problems their own breathing room. I do not need to fix everything. At least not all at once.

My mood: 7.0/10

learning from observing

day 20

Today is a better day for me than yesterday. I am no longer nauseous with myself and am finding center. I am (I hope) finally learning I require a certain amount of space and it does not mean I will detach and float away from everything and everyone I love. 

I am learning from observing, reading and from listening. I am finding the courage I have repressed for too long to ask important questions. This morning I forced myself not to continue what I am usually doing in a less defensive manner and less confrontational as I am finding being direct may not always be the best way to get answers. 

For once, It is okay to step back for a time and allow information to process in whatever way it needs to until the solution reveals itself. Not everything is urgent. Sometimes waiting is the only thing one can do. Wait out the storm as it will pass. 

my mood: 7.0/10

settle down

Day 19-part 3

Saturday, I am so glad to get home today, I think my mood might settle down again now. My job can be sooo stressful sometimes and I'm often so glad to see the back of the day when I can go home and relax. 

Anyway, she’s out, and it’s hard to put into words the things that I am feeling hard to even understand myself. I loved her and she’s the one I though every moment. she was the picture that i built in my head from all my stories in my journal, from the way she hold me tight yet the promises that she keep things has never changed. I thought at the first place everything will be changed, but the changes were different i fell more in love with her or more comfortable and the truth has been told. 

I’d love to marry her, I wanted to be happy and live peacefully ever after. I know I am deserve to be love and I am willing to give everything that she want and treat her like a princess. I love everything about her.

My mood: 7.1/10

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Saudi boy

Saturday, August 22, 2009 0
Day 19 part 2

Sabado, Agosto 22 2009, Simula ng araw ng Holy Month of Ramadan ngayon araw, naisip ko lang mag sulat ng kahit na anong maisip basta may maisulat lang sa blog ko. kaya heto ang simula…

Ang nakaraan… 

Noong araw iniisip ko pag nag Saudi ako akala ko makakaraos na ako. iniwan ko pamilya ko, magulang ko, kamag anak ko, mga malapit na kaibigan ko. kasi sa hangad kong mag karoon ng kaunting pag babago, makaraos at tumaas ang antas ng buhay ko. kahit mahirap umalis ako sa bansa na aking sinilangan, at nag Saudi ako.

At ngayon na rito na ako sa Saudi Akala ng mga tao na nasa Pilipinas na kapag nasa Saudi ka marami ka ng pera. Ang totoo nyan, marami kang utang, dahil credit card lahat ang gamit mo sa pagbili ng mga gamit mo. Kailangan mo gumamit ng credit card kasi naubos na ang cash dahil pinadala na sa Pinas. Pag hindi ka kasi nagpadala iisipin nila nakalimutan mo na sila, may mura kapa.

Akala nila mayaman ka at marami kang pera kasi buwan-buwan libo-libo padala mo walang palya, at kapag pumalya iisipin nila baka nagbisyo ka na o may sinusustentuhang iba. Hindi nila alam food allowance na lang ang natitira sa'yo at pag kinulang ka pa umuutang pa sa patubuan, nakasangla pa pati ATM Card at lista muna sa malapit na bakala(store) para lang hindi gutumin.

Pag may okasyon sa Pinas - birthday, fiesta, anniversary, pasko, new year, at iba pa, padala ka agad panghanda. Ang sarap ng kainan nila. Di nila alam ikaw ay nagtitiyaga sa pagkain na maalat (mura kasi at nakakatipid pa), budget meal, kabsa, instant noodles o de lata at itlog na nakakabutlig ng balat.

Akala ni Tatay, Nanay, Ate, Kuya, anak, mga pamangkin at iba pa, na namumulot ka ng pera sa Saudi. Kaya pag may problema, text kaagad. Pasakalye muna, Kumusta sa una pero sa bandang huli kelangan ng pera. Hay naku! Nakaka-alergic na ang text sa roaming - puro gastos. At minsan padala ka pa ng load! Load ko nga, inuuutang ko pa kay bangali(bangladesh). Hay naku! Bakit ba nauso pa yang load nayan sana libre nalang. dagdag gastos lang talaga at pag hindi ka pa nag-reply, aawayin ka pa! ang mas masakit mangangabit pa ang asawa pag wala kang perang padala! 

Dati tuwing nadidinig ko ang daing ng anak ko sa telepono ang sabi, “pa, masakit ang katawan ko…., padalhan mo ako ng laruan… kailan ka uuwi? sana kasama kita ngayon dito”, parang pinupunit ang puso ko sa awa ko sa anak ako at parang sinusugatan ng blade ang puso ko pag naririnig ko ang pag hihirap na nararamdamdaman ng anak ko, pero wala akong magawa kondi manalangin nalang. Ang sabi ko, “diyos ko sana ako na lang ang makaramdam ng sakit na raramdaman niya”. 

kaya dugot pawis ang pinuhunan ko para maipagamot ang anak na dumadaing ng hirap at sakit na raramdaman nya sa sakit na cancer. nag papadala ako ng pera para lang kahit papano humaba pa ang buhay at para makasama man lang kahit saglit pag uwi ko. pero huli narin ang lahat, hindi ko na rin inabutan ng buhay, mga laruan at damit nalang ang naiwan, grabe hinagpis at iyak ang inabot ko. hindi ako bumalik sa Saudi ng isang taon. Naubusan ako ng pera, naibenta ko ang bahay at lupa kong pinundar ng ilang taon sa murang halaga, at sama katuwid walang ngyari sa pinag hirapan ko, nag hiwalay pa ng kinakasama sa buhay inaakala kong sasamahan ako sa hirap at ginahawa, walang hiya, puro ginhawa lang pala ang sa kanya. sa madaling salita nawalan na ako ng pag asa sa buhay. 

sabi nila masarap daw ang maging OFW kasi tinatawag na bagong bayani. Hay naku bagong bayani daw? mas masarap pa din ang tumatangap sa katas ng bagong bayani na walang kahirap hirap. Heto pa, kong mamalasin pa ang Saudi boy, si kumpare pa ang makikinabang sa mga pinag hirapan mo, may sawsaw pa sa asawa mo. galit pa si pare pag walang padalang pera. lang hiyang buhay to. 

Kaya ang utang ng bagong bayani sa Saudi ay lalong dumadami, bihira lang talaga ang umaasensyo! Akala nila masarap sa Saudi. Di nila alam di ka na nga makauwi kasi round-trip ticket kina-cash mo para mapadala lang para may pambayad sa bumabahang utang. 

Akala nila pag nag extend ka sa Saudi nag papayaman ka, hindi lang nila alam nag kanda kuba kana kakabayad sa mga utang. Akala nila sosyal na kana dahil de kulay na ang buhok mo, na sa uso kasi naka-highlight pa ang buhok mo, Di lang nila alam buhok mo namumuti na sa stress at problema. At kapag minalas ka pa, nalalagas pa! pero sabi ng kaibigan ko swerte daw pag may puti na ang buhok.

Akala nila masarap sa Saudi kasi pag-uwi mo mestiso ka, maputi at mamula-mula ang balat mo. Di nila alam babad ka sa opisina at kulong ka sa bahay mo dahil no choice ka. Mga kapitbahay mo di mo kaano-ano. Walang paki-alamanan at kung lalabas ka sunog ang balat mo sa Init ng araw sobra! 

Akala nila mayaman ka na kase may kotse ka na. Di nila alam hulugan pa! Ang totoo, kapag hindi ka bumili ng kotse sa Saudi, maglalakad ka ng milya-milya sa ilalim ng init ng araw o kaya sa winter na kasama ang asawa mong naka-abaya at naka-tarha. O kaya naman, magtiyaga kang mag-abang ng Saptco o Coaster na ubod ng babaho ng mga pasahero at pagbaba mo amoy putok ka na rin, grabe! Walang jeepney, tricycle o de-padyak sa Saudi. Maraming mga Pakistani, Bangladesh na taxi driver na ubod ng baho walang ligo ligo. Pag minalas ka pa, Arabo na taxi driver na rapist pa ang masasakyan mo, punit pa puwit mo, ospital pa bagsak mo.

Akala nila masarap ang buhay dito sa Saudi. Ang totoo, puro ka trabaho kase pag di ka nagtrabaho, terminated ka gagawan ka pa ng kwento ng kapwa mo Pilipino! 

at Hindi ka pwedeng tumambay sa kapitbahay kase baka ma-mutawa ka pag kasama mo ang syota mo. Pero marami pa ring matatalinong matsing ang nakakalusot. Nagpapagawa ng fake na papel para kunwari kasal, kahit may mga asawa sila sa kani kanilang lugar sige pa rin sila kahit bawal basta makaraos lang ng kalibugan nila.

Akala nila masaya ka kase nagpadala ka ng picture mo sa Red Sand, Hidden Valley, Faisaliah Mall, Riyadh Zoo, Corniche,Obhur, Panda Market at iba pang mga expat attractions. Ang totoo, kailangan mo ngumiti kase minsan minsan ka lang makaka pag pa picture sa labas. Bawal kasi basta-basta kumuha ng picture dito. Makukulong ka. Ka may latigo ka pa tuwing biyernes.

Akala nila malaki na ang kinikita mo kase riyal na ang sweldo mo. Ang totoo, medyo malaki pag pinalit mo ng peso. Pero riyal din ang gastos mo sa Saudi. Ibig sabihin, ang riyal mong kinita sa presyong riyal mo rin gagastusin. Ang P15.00 na sardinas sa Pilipinas, SAR3.00 sa Saudi. Alangan namang puro cafeteria food ang kakainin mo. Aba, mamatay ka sa highblood o hepa nyan kasi nga umaapaw na sa mantika, marumi pa! Kadiri! Kaya lang pag naubusan ka ng pera, no choice ka. You have to take the risk kahit mag ka rayuma ka pa.

Madaming naghahangad na makarating sa Saudi. Lalo na mga nurses at mga medsec, pati cleaners. mahirap maging normal na manggagawa sa Pilipinas. Madalas pagod ka sa trabaho. Pag dating ng sweldo mo, kulang pa sa pagkain mo. Pero alam ko ganun din sa ibang bansa pagod ka rin sa kakatrabaho. Pero iba sa Saudi, wala kang outlet ng stress mo kasi madaming bawal. Kaya kong hindi mo kaya ang homesick mo wag kana mag punta ng Saudi.

Hindi ibig sabihin riyal na ang sweldo mo, yayaman ka na. kaibigan Kailangan din nating magbanat ng buto para mabuhay sa ibang bansa. Isang malaking sakripisyo ang pag alis mo sa bansang pinag-silangan at malungkot iwanan ang mga mahal mo sa buhay. Hindi pinupulot ang pera dito o pinipitas o iniigib. 

Hindi ako naninira ng pangarap. Gusto ko lang buksan ang bintana ng katotohanan na hindi madaling mabuhay sa Saudi. Lalo na pag binigyan ka ng swedong ganito(800+200+200 SAR) hay naku, Kabayan umatras kana mababaliw ka lang ditto wag mo ng pangarapin pang makarating ng Saudi kong ganyan ang sweldo mo.

Mahirap mangibang bayan kong sa inaakala mo. Sino ba ang may kasalanan na iwan ang sariling bayan?

My mood: 7.2/10

Quiet room

day 19

My quiet room is my best friend. I can tell it anything in here and it never moves it never tells. I don't expect it too. now I am waiting with my baby to come home. I will stay in my quiet room until she's came back. she told me today she will go on Birmingham to purchase the bridesmaid dress and she will be back at 6:00 PM approximately.

the silence of my quiet room helps my thoughts flows in. however, in this room all my dreams has been made, my love, my screams, my rants my raves my thick plotted skims. my lonely days my sunny ways and all of the ingredients that makes me. and if your lucky and few dirty scenes you will see in my quiet room. I'll stay in my quiet room until.... I see her.

my mood: 7.1/10

The age of technology

day 18 - part 2

It's so good to have all this technology on this day in age. We can text, email, instant messenger, call, fax etc.... Some people like me, can't live without a phone. Some people need to be completely in contact with the world like internet, and there was a time when i am feelling lonely and sad, i need to talk to my baby to vent out my feelings, or spending just a little time with her talking just to let it go the down side feelings i felt, the phone features its quite useful. we are at the age of technology.

Sometimes when you are walking around in the outside world everyone has carrying their latest hightech Gadget unto them and almost everyone has having their own phones. They are either having voice calls, texting, bluetooth and playing games these are all mobile features that people currently in used. however, I have come to realize that all the gadget that we are using it just from the outside world. we're just being wired. 

perhaps with my baby, its just phone calls away when i miss her it cannot be wasted or just texting away its really quite useful to me. basically, we are having some type of contact with the world is such a necessity that people don't value what is in front of them. So, here I am, simply keep my phone on my table, and look at it until tonight! it's either i will call my baby, or either she will call me back. well, lets just wait. but i like something better which is the the power of the internet. we can use the full features of the instant messenger like those chatting and voice calls, web cam, sharing photos, messaging etc. the knowledge of the man has been goin farther.

on the internet the world is in your hands and the world can wait for me to get back to them. 

my mood: 7.2/10

Friday, August 21, 2009

Tiresome Day

Friday, August 21, 2009 0
Day 18

Friday, I felt quite tired, I don’t want to get up on my bed, I felt really tiring this days because of the two succeeding days that I had been with my team mates to played basketball at the camp and now muscle pain is all over my body.

Morning was coming, I let the sun rose up and touch my face and felt the warm heat in my skin. I moved a little bit away at the window to stay out of the suns brightness then I am back to sleep. it was a tiresome day to day.

I woke up 9:00 am in the morning, I’ve got my morning coffee, watching my baby at the other side of the corner of the world. I am happy feeling content and complete if I saw her daily while she was sleeping on her couch, I felt I am not alone. Being with her its full of happiness and courage to move forward. 

Whatever happens I will be in my path that God wanted me to walk without looking back at the past. i know there was happiness at the other side and I know she’s waiting for me to grab my hand when I am nearer to her, I believe she will not leave me hanging void and God is my guidance for the courage that I have in my heart and in my mind. I love her so much, I will always stay with you now and forever.

My mood 7.2/10

tune up games part 3

Day 17 part 2

Tonight, 7:00 PM is the schedule for volleyball tune up games and I am ready to play volleyball, but I know they will not let me play during the game because I am lazy during practice. I didn’t participate even once. I know it is my mistake.

but next time I will do my best to participate during practice, so I will learn also their coaching strategies and how the systems works inside the game, However, i know there is a basic technique on how to play well in the volleyball. But, of course basically I should start in the beginner level.

My mood: 7.2/10

tune up games part 2

day 17

last night, well, I am the captain ball of the team and my first idea is teamwork, helping others get the ball in their good spot position for a score point. I played shooting guard position, catch and shoot technique in the ball game. 

I love playing shooting guard position. I love just shooting the ball If I have an open lane, I would probably like to shoot in the weak side of the perimeter. My technique is just catch and shoot. Occasionally, I would pump fake, drive, and step back and shoot a perimeter in his eye and leaving him looking on how good he can guard me. That's the kind of game I had. 

I enjoyed playing basketball last night, and I just sat and rest in a few minutes then I played again for the whole last quarter. I’ve got the highest score points in my team. 

anyway, i am just enjoying the fun and excitement.

my mood: 7.2/10

Thursday, August 20, 2009

tune up games

Thursday, August 20, 2009 0
Day 16

tonight the entire team will be playing tune up games in the Aytb camp. I don’t know how we will play for tonight’s game, as far as I know we don’t have any game plan to handle our scoring points in the paint. I’m afraid we cant do something about it... but i am ready to face them. i have the courage to win the game and i believe i gotta game to win.

My mood: 7.2/10

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

have patience

Tuesday, August 18, 2009 0
day 15-part 3

sometime there was a time that I can’t figure it out. I feel so ridiculous all the time. Am I sabotaging my relationship? Why am I so greedy? Why do I always want more, or maybe im just still living at the past? Why do I always think something is wrong? Where is the trust? Where is the security? It's hard because I want to be bringing her closer to me.

I want to be spending more time together and doing more things together, but somehow, I'm doing the opposite. I'm pushing her away, I upset her, and the only side effect is mind stress. I don't know how to make things better but I hope she’s still have patience till the day my heart came back to its normal beat.

My mood: 7.1/10

live happily ever after

Day 15 – part 2

Well you know, things are not alright today. My mood slowly goes down. But Do you ever have one of those days when its starts off really really bad and then all of a sudden it gets really good again? Well this morning, I was almost on the down level of my mood because the bad thought was playing in my brain. 

I mean, c'mon. so I had to forget and change and put in place where It should be, life it’s like a cycle, goes up and down, I should not take seriously. just be cool and relax, everything was gonna be fine in a long ran and let the day went by quite nicely. I must stay strong and tough, this is not the first time that I have been like these since I’ve been alone for so many years. Being down it’s not an option to choose from. While I’ve got my plans and goals for my future, I will stand straight, I will look forward and I will stay focus on one goal, I know it’s not easier but this is the way it should be.

However, I believe and I’ve got a strong feeling that I will witness my accomplishment in the near future. Well, I could say I can live happily ever after on that very day. but that’s not the end of it yet, I don’t want to live alone, I didn’t work hard just for me only. I work hard because of her. I will took her with me because she’s my life, she’s the biggest part of my life. she’s my accomplishment. She makes me feel complete. 

I just vent. Now I’m okay… 

That’s it for today.

My mood 7.0/10

it's like an escape

Day 15 

I can't see in front of me some days what is my future may hold, I wonder where I will be at next? I hope I will not lost my life and not constantly wonder where I am going. I write my journal as well as my countdown status. I am totally different to where i am at and when I started to write, it’s like an escape. An escape from my existence, I’m glad that I can write on here at my journal and be anonymous to myself. Somehow writing helps. 

I watch movies because there another escape to my boring life here, I get so caught up in myself and it’s never really about myself. I join basketball with my friends but i can never speak about how i feel because i hate talking about myself. I feel like life is passing me by, and I have no power over it. I know I’m stuck, and there's nothing i can do to free myself from that. 

My gratitude has gone to zero, I have more resentments than ever before. I couldn't understand it, I’m not stupid so what is it? I'm trying to live just for today but when today sucks, it just feels so hard. I don't want an escape, i just want to be content and happy but I can't even achieve that without my baby. Ok I vented, let’s hope I feel better soon. 

My mood: 7.1/10

a part of me...

Day 14-part 2

she and I have gotten very serious. its been almost months and I have fallen head over heels. i feel so safe with her, all of life's expectations and the pressures from works disappear. she makes me feel alive, free, wanted, happy, ambitious, eager, definite. she will always be a part of me, my life will never be the same without her. 

were talking about how we are meant to be together, and that I'm the one for her and she's the one for me. we have this kind of relationship that I want to proceed forever. I love the feelings that I felt. i'm going to marry this girl, she's the one for me. I would do anything for her.

but she's years away and I miss her to death. I want to be with her every day. I'm so sad that she's not with me. but were going to stay together, I will never leave her. unless she says she don’t love me anymore. then I might have to rethink things. I love her so much. I miss her so much. I will spend the rest of my life with her.

My mood: 7.1/10

Monday, August 17, 2009

Lifting up my spirits

Monday, August 17, 2009 0
day 14

Every day morning I would like to thank you for lifting up my spirits with a quick chat. I can’t control my heart is overflowing with love for you. I miss you desperately. I hope you are with me at this very moment.

Baby, I care for you with all my heart and spirit. I adore you with all my heart and soul. I have cherished and adored all that you have shared with me, the gentle touch of your hands, your warm hugs, your loving and sensual kisses, the feel of your soft and smooth skin, the thrill of holding your hand. I am amazed at what you do to my heart every day.

baby, I am longing for you each day. I long to see your love and sweetness in your eyes. I long to feel the comfort and peace of your loving arms. I long to feel the sensual passion of your kisses. I long to feel the love and desire of your tender touch. I long to swim in the warm, gentle sea of your love, to be surrounded by it, to draw strength from it. I long to hold you close and never let you go. 

Please stay focus and don’t ever forget me whatever you may do. I love you so much.

my mood: 7.2/10

Please hang on

day 13

today, i am tired and unable to think straight. my brain needs to rest for a while and its not working well. I take Panadol tablet to stop the headache that i have. 

however, its not easy to write a blog if you are carrying emotional distress at the moment but basically i have my will to write a blog before i went to sleep, i dont want the night pass without writing any single word. i dont want my journal will be left empty.

and to my baby..., now i hope and pray that soon we will be together. just please hang on and continue to love me as much as I love you. I know it is hard and we have a lot of hurdles to jump, but I promise you I will be yours and you will be mine forever. Please be strong...I love you so much it hurts to be away from you. good night.. and i love you so much.

my mood: 7.2/10

Sunday, August 16, 2009

I am totally melt down.

Sunday, August 16, 2009 1
day-12 part 2

Saturday morning, I’m at work. I’m always thinking about her. the thought is. It's feels amazing how I seem to love My baby more every day... And it seems she loves me too. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I think to myself that she can't possibly love me, unbelievable - I'm too far from her... and I am not that good looking guy that girls might craving and dream about for their future husband to be.

But, then in the same way she says, she will call me every time, she says she will, and she did it. now every time she’s hangs up chatting often to me, she says she loves me and she will not leave me, she will marry me as soon as everything is in place. Oh God I am totally melt down.


And when she calls me am her husband and forever she will be staying with me, respect me, love me. I melt. I literally feel like I'm melting. I just hung up from her often, my mind, my heart, the whole me its hang up with her - it’s so sweet, I love the way it is. I love her so much. 

she doesn't even compare the relationships I've had in the past. she’s so positive in the ways she was thinking. she actually asks me things and cares about what I'm thinking. It's so amazing. I am overwhelmed right now with love, I fall in love with her. 

I can't wait until my wedding plans came, I wish tomorrow is august 2010. So every morning, afternoon and night. 24/7. I can show her how much I love her. I wish she could stay until that time comes. I can't wait. I seriously have never felt this happiness that I have now. Which seriously scares the shit out of me...... I hope it will last forever…

my mood: 7.2/10

You make me smile

day 12

Each and every day I sit and wonder just how all of this came all about. what I only knew I was always kept in my heart that I always love you. I still remember the first day we have had been met, I knew right then that there was certainly something special about you, what I didn't completely know yet was that you were the girl who would turn my world inside out.

I can't wait until we are able to spend each and every moment together again. I can't live without my precious baby.Thank you for making all of my dreams come true, Baby, you have meant more to me than anyone ever will. I love you because you are the only person who can make me smile when I am having the worst day.


I love you because in your eyes I see a woman who will Love me more than anyone no matter what am I to you and also you are the only one who treated me as your husband even where not married yet, but of course I can’t take away the fate that we’ve been bless on his name sake "God the father", and now we are married in spirit, we're one. I am glad we have that vow. Indeed.

I love you because you will do anything to keep our relationship safe without even thinking twice. I love you most of all because you are my one and only I cherish about . We belong together, Baby, and I couldn't be any happier without you. I love you with every breath I take, and every beat of my heart.

my mood: 7.2/10

Friday, August 14, 2009

surviving the bugs

Friday, August 14, 2009 0
Day 11

Friday morning, day 11 of my countdown, I didn’t slept well last night. there was a bug in my mind that troubles me a lot. while I am on my bed lying down. my thought start to flow thinking for the possibilities on how to kill the bugs that has been slowly eating my brain. Anyhow, I should try to accept and forget the words that I don’t want to be heard again. it stressed me out.


Sleepless night has going deeper, I moved here and there trying to figure it out where and which place I can sleep faster. still I can’t slept, my mood little goes down. 

It’s almost a month has passed since the bad things hits me and I thought the flows of my life has been stop there, now look at me I am still standing and still moving, pretending to be tough all day. now day 11 of my countdown. surviving the bugs that reality hits me. I should accept things that its not really meant for me. I know it’s hurting me inside but that’s the way it should be. I am helpless.

Meanwhile, my friend call me they are ready to go to the beach for swimming. Then, I agree just for a change at the moment, I know it will be fun and it's quite relaxing, though. However the atmosphere was good and Perhaps I will forget the bug’s that keeps on eating my brain and beating me down harder.

I am trying to think positive every time because I know it will help me a lot. its time to use the ritual that I've been learn, i should take one deep breath in, down into my belly. I exhale. I breathe in again. I exhale. I inhale again, and exhale all the air out. My breath finds it natural rhythm and I am now aware of it doing its thing. In and out. In and out. It seems it's quite easier. All I am doing is breathing exercise.

My mood: 7.1/10

she’s doing the right thing...

Day 10 part 2

If I am sad and lonely then the only thing I can think to do is write before I have a complete melt down…it calms me down…because sometimes it keeps my mind always thinking for the unnecessary things that it won’t help myself to calm down. then I will not going to stop until I didn’t hear her voice, it kills me… thanks God I know she’s the only one can heal all my heart troubles.

FLAWERs

This is unusual behavior and my brain has immediately gone wild if I started to miss her. That’s why I’d like to call every time I miss her. sometimes my heart hurts, if I remember things from the past, but I’m trying to avoid it not to feel that way again, it will hurt me a lot. But I know Her voice would be enough to cure me even if for just a few minutes. 

however, If I feel I am worried about her, that’s the time I’d like to know where she could be, where she is right now and what’s she’s doing, I want to know everything about her, it’s really quite difficult being away, it’s cruel. I know feeling doubt it’s not good to keep.…but sometimes I can’t handle myself and I’m already felt crazy and I’m crazy with worries which is not good for me and to her.

I need to think Positive…just keep thinking positive…right? I’m sure she’s doing the right thing for our relationship to be nice and perfect…

flowers1



I think staying outside do some walking around in the town, just having one round for an a hour can help the time pass and also do some chatting with friends rather than being stock In the home doing nothing, it’s quite boring. I know being lonely it’s not a good habit and I know it’s not the best option… but I hate myself sometimes why I keep on doing it… 

I love her so much… maybe I’m choking her, maybe sometimes she needs some space… I want to be with her for the rest of my life, I will do everything to keep her safe with me... 

My mood: 7.2/10

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I’m so happy with you

Thursday, August 13, 2009 0
day 10

I’m so happy with you and I love you because you make me look forward to each day. You're my everything, a dream come true. There are no words to express what I feel for you. There are no songs as beautiful as the music that fills my soul when I hear your voice. There are no roses as lovely as your smile.

AnimeLove10

There could never be words strong enough to express my love for you. I love you with my heart, mind, body, soul and spirit,. You're my everything I hope for. I love you so much, baby! please stay with me...
my mood: 7.1/10

it’s not easy..

Day 9

baby this current time, I don’t want to finish the day that I haven’t sending you a letter or a short word that comes in my deepest heart..and here it goes.. You know it’s not easy being away from you, But being in Saudi Arabia it doesn't change the way I feel about you in my heart. Sure I'm lonely , and sometimes I'm overwhelmed with this emptiness in my chest. But baby, I love you , I’m in love with you and Just now I’m thinking of you. You are always on my mind.

http://www.army.mil/cmh-pg/photos/gulf_war/GW-...

The distance is our problem but if we look at it in a different view, we will know this is the thing that can prove our true love. It's not so long yet every dream will be come true in short period of time and we will smile with a tears of happiness in our heart together.

I hope in the future we will have our own kids that you told me you want to have with me.. I am happy if we talk about all of those things specially the long awaited wedding plans and I am glad that you’re not losing your smile and hope.


I will wait for the day we will be together and I hope you will wait for me. we’ve been married in spirit. in God’s eyes we’re one, were one in everything. I’m proud we have those blessing.

however, I just walk and stay in the line for I know trials would be there to test how tough our relationship was. so please stay strong and focus. keep your eye open in me… I will hold you and i will not let you down.. I will guide you in the everlasting love... I love you.. baby.. please wait for me.

my mood: 7.1/10

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Stressed out

Wednesday, August 12, 2009 0
day 8- part 2

I’m sorry If I made you upset last night. There were so many things going through my mind and I’ve just been so stressed out and stuff and I know that isn’t right or fair to you. But I just lost it. I couldn’t even stop once I started going and it wasn’t your fault. I was in the wrong, completely. So I’m sorry. I hate when I get like that and just go all nutty. I promise I will never take sleeping tablets anymore and I’m sorry if I make you worried last night.

Beautiful_Bouquet_with_Roses

You should know how much I love you and appreciate you. Most of the time I walk around thinking about how lucky I am to have someone like you in my life and how I take that for granted once in a while, I don’t blame you for being mad at me. But I am grateful. I thank God every day for sending me someone so wonderful like you. You are my greatest gift. And I will love you for the rest of my life, forever and ever, until death do us part and even after that.

Thank you for all your patience with me and your uncanny ability to realize that I’m just be emotional or irrational and somehow shake it all off. You gotta teach me how to let go like you do. I love you baby and I am so sorry. I will continue to try to keep my emotions and stress under control. 

Thank you for listening and loving me so much.

my mood: 7.0/10

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

self control..

Tuesday, August 11, 2009 0
Day 8

In this Moment, I am safe. I stop what I’m doing, fretting about, worried about, trying to fix or avoid. i think this is the only way i can control myself.

I take one deep breath in, down into my belly. I exhale. I breathe in again. I exhale. I inhale again, and exhale all the air out. My breath finds it natural rhythm and I am now aware of it doing its thing. In and out. In and out. It seems so simple now. All I am doing is breathing and reading.




My body and mind have returned to their natural state. Focused on one thing happening right now, right in front of me, and right inside me.

Everything is okay, everything is alright. There's nothing to do, right in this short moment. Just being here now.

I look around, at this desk, out this window, hearing the sounds around me. In this moment, I am safe. Right now, there is no fear, there is no doubt, there is no threat. Just this very ordinary, somewhat lack-luster experience. That is perfect. There is nothing else it needs to be right now.

So I let go deeper. I let the moment be okay just the way it is. I see that safety is here now, I am safe. I feel my stomach is full, my needs are taken care of right now.

There is calmness as I sip my tea.

When I do, I will be safe, I will be with “it” just like I am with this.

This is the true power of how to control depression, hate and anger.

My mood: 7.0/10

Monday, August 10, 2009

bad feature comes

Monday, August 10, 2009 1
day 7

I have headache, lack of power, doubts, worries....almost all kinds of bad feature comes to me recently. I feel tired every morning which should be the most powerful time. I talked with my friends for this but no one can find out the reason for my sleeplessness.

Too much thinking? or miss somebody? I have no idea as well when I go to bed , so many things come to my brain, relatives , lovers , friends, colleagues .. I don't know which one is reasonable to thing during this time so all of them comes out .

endit

maybe all of this caused by my depression. I was excited for my long holidays but it will be done next year I hope it will be happy and full of joy. But it’s quite too long for me. anyway, I don’t care what my future may hold for me, nobody care to me as well.

but what i do care right now, is I've got a bottle of sleeping tablet, a bottle of alcoholic drinks... so every thing was setup.... I hope I will have my good sleep and my peace of mind.

My mood: 6.9/10

The fear of losing you.

day 6 - part 2

I think this short letter can shows that a love does not have to take forever to write. This is very short words but It came truly to my heart. Baby you know that you’re someone special to me and I am looking forward to holding you once again in my loving arms and to live forever with me. Moreover it’s not easy to say that in due time I can say that you are forever mine.

However, It’s so hard for me now a days for being apart from you, I feel I’m dying in slow motion way. I think of how things could have been if only we had been married when we are on vacation but I know I can’t do anything for it. I will pray for things to come through in an easiest way for me. I'm lost without you, and I can't think of anything else, but fears of what our destiny might be.



I just close my eyes and I imagine your hands caressing my face, fearing that you'll feel the tears running through my cheeks. I’m hurting as much as you do, but I will stay strong and be brave for now. I just feel sorry for myself. I love you and I did not regret for loving you, you've giving me so much happiness, and I know you do love me in your own great way. 

I miss you so much and the fear of losing you is making me mad. Don't let our love fade away through the distance time, nor let the faith fall away... I'm waiting for you until you come back and we will live together forever and make the sun shine once again on these stormy times.

my mood 7.1/10

Meeting of my minds..

Day 6 - Meeting of my minds

Having spent a day when I felt lonely and somewhat depressed I knew it was time for a meeting of my minds. I’ve found Sunday afternoon while I was working I thought its usually a good time to get all of my personalities (or at least most of them) together for a little chat. It seems prudent to start the week with all of us on the same page.


I knew why that day had caught me unaware. Usually focusing on a task will keep my mind from wandering off where I don’t want it to go. On that particular day all I wanted to do was start the f’ing tractor and I couldn’t do it. The problem was I had no plan B to fall back on. With no plan B then I fell down that slippery slope which went something like this:
I can’t start
Why am I here?
I am hopeless
Why am I different from everyone else?
Am I a big, old loser?

Having called this meeting to order there was immediate consensus that we are not going to have any more days like that. (You’re in the kingdom of Saudi Arabia stupid!, for God’s sake! You can see the game that what you are up to! What more do you want, ya big loser?) Second, we made some keen observations.
1. I can’t be all work and no play. I cannot just work all the time or
2. I cannot be isolated from human beings all the time. So we had a discussion and came up with the following conclusions:

1. Chill out. I need to not put pressure on myself. What is the point of being frustrated?
2. I need to not worry about money so much and not restrict myself so much (although its more costly every month). I admit this is a little tricky with a small income but I need to remember that things always work out for me and keep trusting that they will continue to do so. God is always there for me.
3. Tomorrow will take care of myself. Worrying about it not only doesn’t help but robs you of today. Be where you are.
We then devised a coping plan (which is essential to have ahead of time). Declaring a general desired outcome (for example “Change your attitude”) requires specific tasks with measurable outcomes with ways that will work for you (1. get new information so that you can think differently, 2. take a bubble bath each week to relax, 3. volunteer at a shelter etc.) to make sure your goal doesn’t remain wishful thinking.

This is what we came up with for me:
1. go for a walk every night.
2. each Sunday write a loosely constructed idea of what you want to get done in the week
3. be flexible! Let go of your agenda (and anything on this action plan) if it is not working!
4. Surf in the Internet and blogs.
5. try to have more interaction with friends. It might not work. Don’t take it personal if it doesn’t.
6. write letters.
7. visit somewhere new once a week
9. read something every day about the area
10. read something every day about anything
11. watch the sunset

All in all I feel pretty good about the Meeting of my Minds. There were 3 or 4 in attendance and I have a sneaking suspicion that at least 1 personality did not show up, probably my pity part of myself, "ME".
He didn’t show up to vote.

my mood: 7.0/10

Saturday, August 8, 2009

come dance with me

Saturday, August 8, 2009 0
Day - 5


Dearest marivic,




Our love started with so much hope, so many dreams. It was like a fairy tale that took us both by surprise. It blossomed into a love that was bonded and true. My Baby Marivic, my heart, my spirit, body and my soul belongs to you. those sweet words from your mouth is a treasure to keep. And now it’s my turn to say with all my sincerity. My baby, My love destiny belongs in your hands.




Our memories are filled with so much joy and so much pain. In my heart I know the joy outweighs the pain. I want to embrace the joy and hold it close to my heart where it can live forever. I want to remember the pain as a lesson, and buried it in the bottom less pit, yet a lesson of how much I almost lost you. A lesson of life to be lived with a memory of how not to be in pain and sorrow. You and I have once more opened the door of conversation and a new beginning. July 5 2009, “Married in spirit”, God bless us, that’s why I am always stay on the line. This journey I ask you to walk with me will be joyous at times and rough. I don't offer you perfection. I offer you me, a man who’s brave enough to fight for our love and I can show you me (the true me).

My dearest marivic, I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I want yours to be the first face I see when I awake and the last when I close my eyes to sleep. The last to hold my hand when I die. I have never doubted my love for you, and have never doubted the love you have for me. How do you think I have survived the last 4 months? I just had to leave it all to God and trust the love in you because knowing that love and not being able to express it or see it in your eyes was creating such sorrow in me. I felt like I was dying inside. Your love has filled me with such warmth, such light, and to not be able to truly experience it was the darkest hour of my life.

I need you. I need to feel you in my arms. You don't know how hard this is to admit that I’ve been far away from you, living here like hell in a zombie town its lots of frustration i hold. however, you know that from the start I haven't admitted needing anyone in so long. It really makes me feel vulnerable. And when you came I know perhaps with your help I won’t have to feel this way any longer. I do need you My dear marivic, as surely as I need to take my next life.

I need us to hold hands and laugh together, love together, and also to cry together. My life is joined with yours, my whole world revolves around you. for the present, for the past and especially for the future. We are separated by so much distance but, my love, you live in my heart. You are never far. All I have to do is think of you that you are here.

I wish I could offer you promises. I wish I could paint a future with no uncertainties. But I have none to offer. I have no idea what the future holds for us. I just know I want us to experience it together. I think it will be an adventure. Even as I write the word adventure I know what it means and knowing so many new memories await.



I am trying to be patient, and you know I'm probably the most impatient person in the world. I don't care how long it takes for us to work this out because I am so sure of the outcome. For me the outcome is a life of happiness.


Please stay with me as you promise, please stay focus as you promise, please come dance with me for the rest of our lives.


Love Always,
Joven


Friday, August 7, 2009

My eyes getting heavier

Friday, August 7, 2009 0
Day 4 – My eyes getting heavier

Another day in the deep dark pit. I slept a lot last night and I'm still extremely tired. It’s hard to keep my eyes open.

I have basketball practice three sets in a row it’s quite tiring believe me. So practice went well. Our team has a good chance of getting first this year.

After practice I went home, So yesterday has been a pretty rough day. I've been so tired and down all day. Being tired magnifies the "down". I think I'm so tired because I triple up my game. I'm not sure why I did it. I just was hoping to gain more extra energy and speed up my footwork, I never thought that I can play three games continues.

Moreover, there some bystander watching my play. one of them commented on my game… I don’t know why he told me that I’ve been lost speed and quickness on my game, maybe he watched the game last year and he compared my current game on Thursday. Anyway, I admit that I’ve lost endurance, energy, speed and quickness, but I didn’t lost my pride to win the championship again, I believe, we can have it again this year.

So it’s almost 9:30PM and I'm still up. Anyway, I hope it will rain outside, so I can sleep well, but definitely not ideal to rain in Saudi Arabia. I doubt it will not rain here. I just want to be able to enjoy my last few minutes alive talking with my baby Marivic before I went to sleep, I want to be relaxed and dream of her before i lie down.


I love her so much, I can’t sleep if I can’t see her before I go to sleep. i waited....But my eyes getting heavier. i embraced my couch and i said " i will love you for the rest of my life".

My mood: 7.2/10

a beautiful prayer!


Day 3

Dear My lord,

Another gift... a beautiful Thursday! I have been facing so much challenges these days, I know you know that my Lord. I am thanking you for all the blessings for without those gifts I won't be able to face these challenges. True it is, Life is full of wonders and every department of our lives is never easy. 

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Achieving ultimate happiness is a process, a process that we should be willing to face no matter how difficult that journey may bring. I am not completely okay right now because the pain still in me. And that I have to admit but I am little by little embracing and journeying towards bliss. I am enjoying every challenge I am facing, I love her so much. I will do anything. I am beginning to appreciate myself even more. I am a great lover and that I am truly proud of for not everybody is capable of loving the way I know how. I have felt so crushed, my heart has been ripped off and if I could find a superlative word for painful, that must be what I'm feeling for some times.

My Lord, my faith in you has become enormously strong! You never failed me, you have been listening to all my petitions and constantly walking beside me and always there behind when I feel like passing out. I am truly and completely believing in you. I know you gave her to me on purpose and you also let her find me on purpose,.. still I am thankful for that gift of knowing her. You know we love each other however we might not have foreseen or completely understood each other's concept of love that perhaps we differ. Yes, you know Lord that when I love it's real... it's sincere... it is whole and it is unconditional. 

however I know you understand for I am not perfect, human as I am. But you know my Lord, I decided to gave it up for I know I made that out of love I have promised you that, It is true love my Lord, yes it is. willing to give my all self. I am sorry for I just love her so much. I am and will continuing to pray for our betterment, we needs you more than any others. May you give the peace of mind and help our relationship to be a better one... make us strong that you have planned to become. 

I believe it is only You Who could give us enough strength to face the everyday battle. Grant us the happiness or bliss our heart have been desiring; for that would make me very delightful. Bless us both and all our loved-ones in this course or what we call journey of Life... A Life that is made for Loving and caring.

I love her always.

Thanks my Lord.

My mood: 7.2/10

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I wake up late..

Wednesday, August 5, 2009 0
Day 2 - 

Today…

I heard a rumbling noisy sounds but still I felt idle. My mind still dreaming, my body still needs to lie down on bed, my eyes can’t open wide. I stretched my arm. I’ve seen, It’s was my alarm clock made that noise. I grab it and smashed the snoozed button and tossed away on the floor, it was 4:30am. I'm back to sleep, my eyes went closed. Then, Suddenly I heard another noise and its getting louder and louder and its coming back closer to my ears. again, it was my alarm clock causing that irritating sounds. I woke up, I watched the time it was 5:40am. I am not aware that I’ve been asleep for an a hour. I shut it off. Thought, that I’ve got a lesser time to get myself ready..

I grab my toothbrush, towel, soap, shampoo, mouthwash, and i am on rushed. Then, In the bath room, I open the valve to let the cold water subsides, a minute later, the water was warm and I am ready to have my bath, the first dropped of the water It felts refreshing, I've got a excellent feelings if the hot water touched my head down to my face slowly moved to my body, coool. I think I would love to stay there for a while. but I moved quickly and ended my bath right away. Cause I know I might be late.

5:55am, I wear my usual company uniform, neatly and I took my stuff, Wallet, ID, Fossil Silver Watch, Blue Ray Spyder Sunglass, Small black dockers shoulder bag and Keys. then I wear my shoes nicely. But I am not ready yet. There’s a lot of things to be done before I leave.

5:57am, I faced to the window, I kneel down in front of my bed. Then, I speak softly with my daily prayer asking for my guidance, specially for my baby Marivic and to our plans. I am also praying that everything will work smoothly and nicely. it’s my daily habit that I should not forget about. It helps me a lot. I feel armed.

6:00am, I sat back on my laptop. I look intently at her while she was sleeping. I typed a few words to let her know I love her so much and not to disturbed her sleep. suddenly, she woke up and she’s calling me.. I accepted the voice call she made. then, I heard her sweet voice echoed. it’s quite romantic and loving, I always felt this way when i am chatting to her. Starting to live the day with inspiration and I don’t want to stop having lovely conversation with her. It’s sounds great and wonderful……….


I paused!…stop right there!…hang on for a second!.. I forgot something. O Ma God! I’m late…

Then, I said, “I chat to you later, See you later.. bye for now. I love you so much, take care, I will miss you”. and I shut down my laptop by forced. I stand on my feet and start to shut off the A/C and all the power switches. Then I tried to remember things that I might forgot before I leave so there’s nothing could go wrong.

6:15am, I'm rushing down quickly, I’m not usually using the elevator if I’m in hurry, it will slow me down, so I used stairs. I walked fast heading towards our meeting place which is the parking lot, I’ve seen them waiting there but I am not the last man has come late, Wheeew, it was to closed. 

6:20am, at the car we have seating arrangement. In the front seat, of course the Driver, Mr. Dawood (Indian) and seating besides him is, Mr. Manny and At the backseat. first, I sat behind the back of the driver seat, and next at the center Mr. Anil kumar (Indian) and next is Mr. Jeff, the new lucky guy in the hood. I like that seat I used, nobody can sit there but only me. 

the engine start and the car was moving… I gazed my eyes at the window. the bright sun is rising, I feel the warm heat in my face down to my arms, I feel good and energize, the weather condition is good not hot and there was no humidity, not bad at all. I’ve noticed that we are closed to the check point , and Finally, we arrived at 6:45am.

7:00am, Morning coffee..

7:30am, It’s time to work. 

My mood. 7.2/10.

My worries didn’t goes off..

Day 1 - My worries didn’t goes off..

this is so hard, for me to be on this journey again. Every time the path is narrower and darker. I want to fell numb. I want to talk to someone, but who? It’s so hard to hold it all in, its killing me right now. This would all be over if I didn't heard her voice.

I just wish it was all over. I need help. Why can't someone just help? I so desperately wish for someone to put their hand on my shoulder and say, "Just talk and I will listen."... Can't someone just find me?


I tried to call her mobile but, damn’ it’s off… again I tried to call the other mobile she has... i've got lucky.... now.. it’s ringing..., I just listened to it …ring..... ring.. ring.. ring...ring..ring… a voiced of woman came out and she said "welcome to lyka mobile.." damn operator....then the line was cut.. I tried again to call back and now it’s off.. all phone’s off.

I just feeling sad and down at the moment that’s why I want to hear her voiced.. i just want to relieved my loneliness, and stressed … I've done everything in my room, I moved here and there… I had finished two succeeding movies.. but I still miss her, my mind still want to hear her voiced… but I cant do anything, I felt hopeless...

my worries doesn't goes off..

My mood: 7.0/10
 
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