installing blogger droid

i installed blogger droid in my android phone, whatever i may go or whatever i may do i can write my thoughts. see yah!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

feelin better

20.01.11

The photos was taken a few days back. I took it when i was feelin better. So ive memories to look back. a gift sealed with a kiss to my lovable bella. damn i hate myself. corny....urgh signing off..

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

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good mood

it was a good day today. My mood is okay. Evrything works fine. Evrything looks good. Evrything goes well. Shes happy. Im happy too. I came back to here.

Because thats my heart says. If i try to leave her it seems i die slowly and its very painful. Now im afraid becaus im an option. I want to forget evrything. I Dont want it to remembr all that desasters last few weeks. It upsets me. I want to live hapy. i need Freedom.

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i still cant believe it

01.15.11

Sleepless night, this is the only one of those days that i was thinking over and over again that she cheated me on Dec 16. 2010. I'm still living on the past. It happens again. I cant believe it that shes done it to me again.

I thought she was changed by the mercy and grace of god. But i don't know how could it happen. Theirs a lot of questions in my mind. And haven't answered yet.

Is she really luv me? Why does shes keep on cheating me. Why She cheat me all the time. I know shes afraid to tel me and tell me the truth. Because if she admit that shes having an affair to David that's the end of it. No regret. Its all over.

BTW, thanks to android i can blog through mobile.

My mood:4.5/10.

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No mo meaning

This is the first blog for 2011. don't know where to start. No mo meaning to write a blog for a while rigth now, i don’t have any idea where to begin. There's so much on my mind, I want to get lose all of it. so much has happened last year, lots of mistake has been done, lots of tears falls down. now it's written on the past. it just overwhelmed in my head. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being a fuckin' slave to the thoughts that I always keep in my head. The depression, the insecurities, they hold me back from being me. I just want it to stop. Stop to think negatives thoughts.

I want to be happy, once in a while, I cant get through it. My relationship with her I don’t know what it seems, i dont know which place i belong in her heart. It has been really hard on me lately. Just because i've been letting my thoughts run wild and getting worse and worse. I need someone to talk to. I need a friend. I don't have any, not even one, only her. Don't get me wrong I'm glad I have her, I wouldn't give her up for the world, she's my everything, although she was cheating on me. I hate her. but I do still love her, I know it is insane, but someday I know I can handle to stop it. i can get over it. perhaps at the moment I cant find someone much more likely better than her.

My mood: 6.5/10.

further away

Friday, So, I've been awake for about over an hour, i washed my clothes, i cleaned my room and I've my morning cup of coffee as always. I plan to eat nothing today,  i don’t have appetite till now, i am still shocked, and really its quite difficult to accept the fact that it was happened, i can’t believe it.

For now i  Just took a cup of coffee and water. I'm going to be strong today and stay tough, though. I'm trying to think about the fact that I have will power and that I'm in control. I should learn to forget the fact that it was over.

Its boring, since yesterday i had a stressful day.  Hmmm... maybe overwhelming? hmmm.. just very sad... confusing and emotional, everything was wrong... i didn’t expected to happen. 
i really feel like i am losing it.  part of me feels like i am further away from her than ever, like im such a disappointment and ass. but then another part of me is telling me this is the real turning point, and that there is absolutely no going back. i really don’t know where im going and just ugh, tired...  the hate i have for myself and hate for just living. and going through every day. I felt that i live in hell.... depressing and a whiney complaining asshole.

ahwell... i should get over it and stop being so unappreciative.

my mood: 8.5/10.

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I still have this mood swing

Happy! Am I? yes I am at the moment! Sometimes no. I still have this mood swing. I cant control it. But it's so fleeting. Anyway, I was very happy this weekend because I’ve got plenty of overtime perhaps it will continue till next week. I don’t care about the basketball that I am in, we’re loser anyway, beside the team is not complete, others already went back to their own assigned job location.

Feeling tired at work but i enjoyed every second of it. gotta earned lotta money to keep this month. Gotta lotta things to do next year. I'm planning to quit my job and find another one. I let my mind wander. Was I happy with my job??? I was, I am... but it’s just not the same kind of happy I was before. Its almost as if happy is transparent now, where before it was solid. Of course, i always think about her and there were times before that I was sad or scared or frustrated or even angry, but the foundation of my feelings was happiness. Now that is all upside down.

Happiness does not stay for long, it flits thru my heart, warms it a bit, then disappears. I am grateful that it makes an appearance at all, believe me. But I wish it would stay. I can see improvement, and that gives me hope. I am 'better' for longer periods now, there is more good time between the bad. So that is a good thing, it lets me know that maybe someday, the good will outweigh the sadness in my heart again. But I have hope, that thing with wings...it flutters.

my mood: 1.5/10.

no more counting days

no more counting days... there is always days for tomorrow...

another day have just passed me by... no more tears... i leave everything behind... thats why i didnt post a blog for a month..

another day gone.,., never to come back.,., another day wasted., and yet to be rested.,., im so frustrated that another day come away., without me noticing it.,. i've done nothing to stop it., ive done nothing to make it somewhat different to the rest of the days that passed me by.,,. i just sit at my work and do the job that suppose to be done.

now writing again here in front of this freakin' computer.,,., i've been here.,., alone.,.without anyone noticing that i've been here,., guess they just don't care.,. sometimes.,.. crazy ideas crept in my mind,.,.

now im okay.. feeling better...

 my mood: 1.5/10

I didn’t get her Idea

day 296

I don’t know what my best friend up to..?! I didn’t get her Idea.. she don’t want me.... but she was still keep calling me, email.. leave message on facebook and chatting on YM… she doesn’t say anything good but only hatred… she just want to voice out her feelings with me.. because I cheated her… and i know.. she's in pain.... she cant accept the thing that i've cheated her.. i have my reasons and she doesnt understand it..... but i trully love her... she's the one for me... i already give up my girlfriend and i want her to stay with me...

anyway, I said sorry….. and she said…. She already forgive me but the cut leaves a mark… that’s why she don’t want to stop talking.. arguing with me till she don’t felt satisfy with my answers.. she’s freakin me out… everyday… I feel sad and down she wasn’t forgive me yet…. She cant accept it….

my mood: 6.5/10.

i’ve been cheating

day 295

Every day I'm trying to do my best to jot down the thoughts that flows daily.... but sometimes i cant… I don't even know where to start. I haven't been writing at all much lately. i don't know why I cant write much.. I'm down… and pretty sad for what was happening to me in the past few days.

she’s leaving me… and I felt there is no turning back… she hated me so much… I know it was my fault…. I cheated them… and I accepted it.. and they cant forgive me… and I'm losing them both… now I'm not cleaning my room its totally mess up... life my life its totallly mess up.. Everything is not well organized. i just don't care anymore. it took me weeks to see my bedroom floor because what's the point right?

I cant believe that though it was only online relationship you will fall in love as well I never knew that… I'm deeply inlove with her but the problem is she just came late… I had a girl friend before she exist… but what the hell am I doing.. why i entertained her…. I should not let her step in into my life… and now I fall in love with her and she's my best friend… and I want to spend my days with her….

Its too hard to accept that both girls they know already… my best friend and my girlfriend they know that i’ve been cheating them…

my mood: 7.5/10

it just disappeared

day 294

I have something so desperately? well i do!! something that i used to be, something like to be loved... but then just a click of time it just disappeared right into my eyes...

I've been thinking, what have i done wrong? then i figured out the answer..i didn’t know that it will come to an end that's why i didn’t take good care of it...but then i realize that iv'e been too care free and sometimes took advantage of it...

now that i've lost it, i don't go out like i used to. ive been avoiding my friends, i lost my confidence.

but then i'm still praying to God to give me another chance to have it again...and i promise to take good care of it like my life would depend on it!!!

my mood: 6.7/10.

running a fever

day 293

I go to work today... i woke up running a fever and a splitting headache.. while I'm at the office I cant work properly... i want to go back to sleep, but I cant....yet I wish I didn’t came to work today…. It's to think that love is really depressing ... I cant clean my room now a days.. I'm not eating properly... I feel that I'm going to die… i want to lock myself at the closet… forever... so nobody could see me down..

I feel alone… my blogs cant help… I'm just writing all my rants and my depressing thoughts it doesn’t help….. I need to talk to for someone… but I guess there’s nobody wants to talk to me… i didnt remember when the last time i've been happy... im feel sick and nobody's around me... i want to go home.. to where i live..im just wasting my time here.. nobody cares...

my mood: 5.6/10.

She doesn’t really love me

Day 292

I don’t know why I don’t have a great day... heavy hearts, heavy feelings.. depressed.. love wasn’t good at me… it so hard for me to have it… I don’t have any luck at it… God it was so depressing..., I felt that I'm goin crazy.

i had a bad conversation with her always…. me and I has always had a bad arguments I thinking it we cant get through all of these…. Fuck…. She’s fucking freak me out… I always see her comments to the other guy…. But even one comment at my wall you will not read it… damn…. I feel shit… I know from the start she just only playin aroung at me she’s not real…. She doesn’t really love me… I'm tired… I give up..

anyway she don’t love me at all.

my mood: 7.8/10.

didn't feel alright

Day 291

it's past midnight again... and yet, again, i still can't sleep... i went to youtube... I watch all of my music I just created… it looks fine... I listened to it, again… again and again..... I want to feel the music that I heard thinking that im there at the very moment…, i was at 2am already when I glance at the clock... I consume all my time just listening for my music videos that i created..... a full day I am sad and feeling alone feeline... besides, i didn't feel alright all the time since… she left me.... she always keep on thinkin about her pain…

but how about me.. !? I feel the pain as well, i'm getting these bouts of headache again... as a matter of fact, im having it now... and some fever... i guess, triggered by stress and emotions... the red light is turned on again... if i ever black out, then i'm gonna have to see the doctor... oh i hate it... it would mean another round of medications once more... i've been out of meds for more than a 8 months now...i hate my depression… i hope it doesn't come back... oh the pain that comes with it... too much... oh please no more needles...

My mood:7.6/10.

one of those days

Day 290

It was another one of those days today. Everything seemed out of place...and everyone figured I was just in a bad mood. I find myself having these days more often. I don't ask for them, they just happen. And I find myself going home, wishing I could take back everything I did that day. But it's not like it's a mystery, I know exactly what causes it all.

Oh but it doesn't really matter does it? I'm sitting here talking to myself. How much lower can I go? I bet someone can find a way to push me further though. They always seem to know all the little things that can tear at my dignity. But they're so oblivious, what with their personal lives and all. They don't realize how hard they step on me. I don't know why I bother anymore. I am talking, but none is listening. I've gotten used to this feeling......being alone......

I guess u become numb to it after a while.

My mood:7.5/10.

love moves in mysterious way

day 289

With a smile

day 288

Friday morning

day 287

Friday morning I woke up early 5:30 am, I'm doing this every Friday just to play my game, basketball… me and my friends always arrived at the gym early because we don’t want to play at the second game.

The gym open at 6:30am and we are already on the front door… waiting for the time to open… I stayed at the gym for almost half of the day…. So it takes a long hours… staying there just playin and do chatting while waiting for the next game… although I am at my leisure time I always thinking about what I was worrying about every time… It never comes into my head that it will happen… I know there is another problem to be consider on her side and thats why we can't get wed this year… and and its not in the list of our plan...

however, because of the custody of her children… she postponed the wedding… I can't do anything about it just to understand her…. and I always kept on thinking about it every day since she started to open up to me….

I feel the sadness for the past few days… and she’s freakin me out....

my mood: 6.7/10.

heavy feeling

day 286

Thursday, I woke up late with a heavy feeling this morning…. I am always worried about all the disappointmen I had inside me, the feeling that I can't let it out…coz everything’s turn out wrong… I felt that my spirit is isn't connected to the rest of my body... it was like having a very bad day, I felt lost and lonely... I hate it when I am feelin like this.

I am not able to sleep well till 2:00 a.m every day... i miss the happiness, I miss the laughing thing when I am with her, I miss everything.

Anyway, i'm still not sleepy yet, i can go online... chat.. surf... anything to be busy... i'm getting so tired of being sad... i wanna start being happy... i know there are a lot of stuffs to be sad and stressful about... but i'm leaving them for some time and concentrate on being happy for a while... i'll just go back to those when i have to..... I just need to put something that I could make myself busy till I close my eyes…. tomorrow is another day...

my mood: 5.5/10.

the month of my birthday

day 285

All I can see is disappointments, I really don’t like the month of may.... the month of my birthday.… everything is a totally crap… i don’t more I could do… I'm losing my will to fight… I don’t know when these will be over… I am not enough or even close, I'm pretty tired, my best is never good enough, there’s nothing I do is right.

Because all I do is disappoint…. Everything is turnout totally failure… I'm losing hope, I know I can't win this fight, So tired of being second option…. I never been good..

my mood: 7.8/10.