Sunday, January 31, 2010

This is the reality

Sunday, January 31, 2010 0
day 177

Today, was boring,... there’s not much to say today, I’m not gonna write a lot. i woke up, I had a really bad head ache, i think it was taken from the little operation I had last Saturday, it was scary but i took the risk. if you’ll see me you will not notice that I had been in a slight operation for a week, because I'm still healthy, I can move like normal movements, but it’s painful. I always take my meds and I hope in the long ran I will be okay.

Anyway, I'm not goin into detail its private, the wound was still fresh and I need more week to heal it. I am still going to work I don’t want to be stuck in the house in one day, it’s boring. I think I’ll be bored forever. I cant go to play practice basketball if I'm on this situation. I'm not okay inside.

my God look after me whatever the risk I take, he is over me every day and every night, prayer is my protection in my everyday living, I live alone I die alone. Sometime the pain keep occurring every night the sleep cannot come over me every night.

No one cares, nobody cares. the painful thought they were here all day... they visited me in dreams..... there is no turning back. It seems I’ll be here forever...there were no amazing time I had with my love ones and friends, no smile has been curl in my lips. This is the reality.

My mood: 4.5/10.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

emotional feelings

Saturday, January 30, 2010 0
Day 176

Today, is very tiring day, oh okay… I am always been in a tiring day…. I'm not going to lie. But Sometimes it's just plain exhausting. Oh well, yah, I'm doin my best trying to live up to everything that is expected and directed, tryin to think positive as I can be. But there are those times, you cant avoid the emotional feelings from the past occurred, I felt insecure, and ask myself where else am I going to go? Lookin for something? Why do I exist?

where do i go? when i feel like things are falling apart? Not just in general but even in terms of your faith and your ability to live it? It's especially difficult when you have all these expectations set up for yourself and then knowing you have to accept the fact that you're never going to live up to all of them. I heard once that the difference between a saint and a sinner is that a saint gets up when s/he falls and a sinner chooses to stay down (or something like that). But what happens when you're standing and you're not quite sure what direction you're supposed to be facing...and does any of this even make sense?? LOL

Hope everyone is having a good night, you're all in my prayers. I'm sorry this didn't have a pinpointed direction but it's simply how I'm feeling at this moment in time. Had a bit of a rough night. the Migraine I cant help it.

My mood: 5.6/10.

Friday, January 29, 2010


Friday, January 29, 2010 0
day 175

Friday, my rest day and its only one for the whole week, but I'm doin house works every Friday and it doesn’t feel like Friday. And today its different, I went to the nearest hospital for my check up and stay there for a half day because my migraine headache its really painful for almost two weeks reoccuring. i coudnt sleep well. then after that i’ve got my meds, I went home and have some sleep.

YEAH! I'm definitely tired though, I am goin to work again tomorrow and need my strength! I really hope the day goes by fast. I'm happy to go back home on my native place. I'm really long to be there and yah, I really need my strength to push forward.

my mood: 3.0/10.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

start something new

Thursday, January 28, 2010 1
Day 174

Today morning! I just woke up and my spirit was still lying down on my bed waiting for the sun bright light will touch my skin. anyway i open my laptop and read other blogs, looking for something good to read. But I ended up reading my older post, depressing post, which is I supposed I should not look at it again, not in this time, I should start something new.

Everything has to start somewhere right? I need to change the way I think, I already had the crappy beginning, so a crappy beginning should have happy ending. I'm still counting days, moving forward on my journey, but I'm not sure where this little journey is going to end, but it certainly has a start, That means I've got more days to get together a plan of attack and collect some goals to accomplish and start to think ideas or learn something new. it's really not nice to read my older post if im still at the state of recovery. i hope everything be okay in due time... well i need to take my meds...its getting late... i  need to work.

My mood: 3.5/10.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Yes i am counting days!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010 1
Day 173 - sundayscribblings # 199-yes

Yes! i am counting days and this is one of those days.

Today, not only just for today but most probably has been rather gloomy out in my life lately. Day after day, I am so addicted to see the sunshine every morning and goes down at the afternoon, sometimes I honestly find myself a bit depressed but feel happy for some other times because my days was count and i still see the counter was moving forward and that’s the life I was having here, yes i am counting days. i thank god i woke up every morning, and still i could say that i can count my days more.

If my imagination can reach the wonderful things in life and been satisfied, i will stay there and stop counting  just to live there forever….. just a thought by the way......?! on earth was still fun and real unpredictable. but I wish I could, anyway today was one of those days, feelin happy, when I talked to someone special to me, but it’s only a period of time. someday, I really longed to open the curtains and let the light shine in, but there was none, up to now, it seems that I was dancing in the rain, just need to be loved. As much as I love the bright clouds, but they just were not doing it for me.

I have been a bit uninspired of late. Not much to say of interest to even myself. So, I just spent some time thinking about the things I take for granted on an almost daily basis. It makes me appreciate my life when it seems there is not much to be thankful for. I’ve been thankful I am pretty much alive till these days, blogging and sharing thoughts… I am thankful for much more than I realized. And it only took a few minutes to see.

My mood: 3.5/10.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

move on

Tuesday, January 26, 2010 1
day 172

i live in a world where everything is “perfect”, but the real life makes you un perfect. i wake up every morning, i drag myself out of bed with a messy hair and half open eyes, i drink my coffee on the run and close the door behind your back, heading towards the new tasks of the day ”work”. i struggle at work, and the day goes by and come back home. I am tired, restless, disappointed, satisfied, sad or happy, but I am at home and another day has passed and wrote itself down in my past.

and i live this perfect routine every day, sometimes I complain, (not sometimes), every time, sometimes i just accept it, other times I like it, but the fact is I am living on it. it’s the real life. And everything seems to be going pretty normal until one moment, all of a sudden and out of the blue something strikes me. i get a big slap on my face by nobody else but the truth.

Something that i didn’t expect, or some fact that i didn’t know and i were living in illusion all these years believing in something totally different. So there goes you routine-it all seems different now. anyway when that happens, I don’t have much of a choice. i can either live in a devastation, or i slap myself one more time, make the blood run into my head and start looking at the things differently, but i have to move on. Move forward. Don’t look back.

my mood: 3.2/10.

Monday, January 25, 2010

air to breath

Monday, January 25, 2010 0

day 171-part 2

afternoon, I don’t like what I felt these recent days, I'm sick. I lost my energy, am not okay, I felt pain, I'm still losing hope, I tried not to think so much, and now all my energy is draining out of my body, I'm getting tired, and feel miserable every day, and I'm just running out of air, I need some air to breath.

the presences of being so far away, is hurting me, im fuckin not sleeping. i dont understand why i keep getting into this. i break away and go to my room and try to sleep. but thats an epic fail. now its starting to give me a headache. i just stayed up last night, im always scared of something in there.

I know I have a choice, but I hate having this choice, to stay or to leave, but both things are certain, that Earth wants me to stay for a reason I can't quite give in here not in here but I want to be happy at a better place...i know I have allot of things to live for, but I dont know, I dont know what I must do.

my mood: 6.5/10.

peace of mind

Day 171

My inner voice always wants to say something thru writing, so l let him speak, last night I didn’t sleep well. from time to time I wake up and thought about the life what I’ve been chosen, life is so hard, I am stupid, young and restless, just like a kid, never grow up, not always thinking at the right times, thinkin that I am always playin around, i don’t have a brain of my own, i just let other people steps on my head, it should not be happening, they are just thinking for themselves, always finding the easy way out, never wanting to try and fix what’s wrong, enjoyin the free things in life.

God knows one day it’s time to just grow up, and face what’s really going on, it’s time to open my eyes to the cruel world we were born into, it’s time to take life more serious, and try my best not to regret everything we do...... I live alone, I die alone, I am young, I know the hell I am doing! I know when the right time to choose to turn left or steer right, but I don’t know the futures ahead of me, I wish I can.

i myself would know i am young and very stupid. but i have learned some lessons and i already take life just a bit more serious than i did for last couple of months, ive been down and got hurt, nobody cares. Lies has been overwhelmed the reality, you cant say that you do love your boyfriend but somebody is sleeping fuckin around you all day. How would you tell that? I know there is nothing seems right and that’s not one of my proudest moments. but now i am learning from my stupid mistakes. Life is important and i realize how important it is once I’m older to have the happiness and peace of mind for the life I chose. now i am ready.

My mood: 5.5/10.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

I can’t live alone

Sunday, January 24, 2010 1
Day 170

My life is boring, I know, it’s obvious. I felt I really don’t have a life here, it just work It seems so important, thats why i choose to live here, for the sake of money, but life is waste, time is waste.

there's no time for the real happiness... imagination is the only thing i can escape for the world i chose, but my imagination is not enough to make my own world. that’s why I write what my voice thought If this gets read, that's awesome.

And if it doesn't, that's okay too. I don't write to be heard. I write to have a voice of my own, to get things off my chest. I write to maybe have the things i write actually mean something to somebody someday. I can’t live alone. I cant be alone.

My mood: 3.5/10.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

daily routine

Saturday, January 23, 2010 0
day 169

Today is Saturday it’s like an ordinary day nothing seems to be different. I live this way for the whole damn six years now. work and room only. There will be some changes if it is my time for vacation.

It means if I will open my eyes every morning. Like any morning I felt the same. I woke up to the sound of the phone alarm telling me it was time to work. it was my daily routine.

It's like automatic, I feel like a robot that it was programmed to do it every day. Ill pulled myself out of bed and went into the bathroom and get cleaned. then, I ate my breakfast at the office every day, just to fill my empty stomach. Have lunch at the afternoon and dinner at night. human.

Then staring at the four corners of my room, just looking around trying to figure out what is my important role in life. I have always imagined being outside of my world just a few seconds, but my imagination is empty. nothing but my imagination walking along the road. Running until I got to where I was going. I nearly gasped for breath when I thought about this. I need to escape only for a while......

my mood:1.6/10.

Friday, January 22, 2010

rest day

Friday, January 22, 2010 0
Day 168

Friday is my rest day, there Is no excitement, I stayed the same way every Friday, doin house work, cleanin my room, wash my clothes, there is no change if you ask me. there is no parties to wait, like other people who’s waited all week for the parties to come and enjoy their selves. The life here could be different. i am just waiting for the magic that could change my future.

Anyway, I don’t know what to write today but I guess am feelin okay.

My mood: 1.5/10.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

not much to say

Thursday, January 21, 2010 0

Day 167

I don’t know what’s to say about today, one thing I know what i had in mind is to think positive, but sometimes my mood was down, sadness overwhelmed me and I was slept last night at around 12:00am, it was not okay to me, because I was sleeping late 2 to 3 hours only.

So my day started off better than yesterday I guess, for sure everything will be okay till night. However, It, Was a very slow day at work today i did not have much work. i am not tired and i am about to just relax.

I hope I can go home early as I can be. so I will see her before she left home.

My mood: 2.5/10

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

how to start a new life?

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 2
Day 166

Wednesday, hoping for a new days to come, hoping to drop the past and keep moving forward, I hate to say that I'm still standing at the past. how do I Move forward? how could I ever forget the past? how could i heal my wounds that keep hurting me inside? it seems like a sharp blade stick on my chest pushing down slowly and the pain is really quite dying for… How could I convince myself that it’s all over now? I don’t know why I always remember the past. why I don’t ever stop keep thinking for the past? why I keep hurting myself? i'm fuckin sick!

How to encourage myself that I should better start a new life? what the hell I suppose to tell to myself that I need to move forward? I don’t want to feel helpless. I am losing hope. I cannot do it if I am alone. I live alone, I am all alone. I'm living like hell on this place. I used to live in the Philippines, but now I live in Yanbu Kingdom of Saudi Arabia for a job that my country difficult to provide. Well, job is okay. physically I’m okay. but my thought and emotion is driving me crazy. I am so freakin tired. I don’t have much power to energize myself.

I miss my homeland, I miss everything, I don't want to end my life here. I just want to live happy, not to be alone anymore. I lost my happiness, my energy and my hope. i slept 2 to 3 hours a day, I lost weight, no good appetite, I work long hours, and I am apart to my spouse and its really getting me worried and down every time. I am always been depressed. I am tired of living this way. I don’t know when it will be over.

My mood: 6.7/10.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

the good old days

Tuesday, January 19, 2010 2
day 165 - sundayscribblings #198-good old days

The good old days

I miss the good old days.

I love the good old days when I was a lil’ boy playing “luksong tinik” at the street every morning.



"Gagamba" spider fight

Those are only few traditional games I played in the Philippines when i was a kid, anyway Most of the parents and grandparents played these games more than i did. And at the same time I consider it as an alternative game when I am tired of playing the Atari, Family Computer, SEGA, other technological advancements during my time.

The playstation, WII, PSP, 3D Online strategy games, survival games and war games are not yet developed during those time and because of globalization and fast improvement in technology, very few young Filipinos play our native games anymore. Most of them consider computer online games.

Good heavens!, I’m getting old and I already miss the good old days. I'm all alone and sick, I'm sitting here, remembering those good old days and my old friends, I miss them… where they are now? If i could bring back the good old days…

my mood: 3.2/10.

Monday, January 18, 2010

not feeling okay

Monday, January 18, 2010 3
day 164

For me today it was an ordinary day, but I felt something bad happening in my stomach since yesterday, and it was a bad sign. Anyway, I know it’s sort of embarrassing and I will not mention it here. i can say that I’m okay because it seems I don’t feel pain at the moment and I’m still observing myself at this time but still I am worried about this thing and it’s really not a good sign for me, perhaps it is a good way to consult the doctor if necessary.

then I slowly dragging myself out of bed next getting ready very slowly, same thing every day what I was doing and nothing is change, yet it always boring. I hope I will be okay.

today I’m not in the mood to write anything. and I don’t know where my thoughts will drive me. anyway just please bare with me today. because really I’m not feeling well now.

my mood: 5.5/10.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

tough night

Sunday, January 17, 2010 0
Day 163

Last night I am pretty tired when I arrived home, I’ve got headache, sneezing, I felt cold. and I tried to sleep early as I can be, I turned to the left and to the right, guess I couldn’t find the right comfortable position to sleep, my time to sleep is already pass out, then I felt more dizzy and faint but I couldn’t sleep, it’s better to go outside, sigh*.

so I went to the city at about 10:00 pm last night to hang out with a couple of friends we just having a chat for a while to let the time pass. talking some none sense things, talking with some other peoples issues, while having some cup of tea and next after were getting tired, i went back to my room at around 11:30 pm. i wasted 1 and a half hours. It was a tough night, I lay down on my bed, (i deep breath...) "my life is really boring" i whisphered.. then in a few minutes my thought started to fly, I don’t know where my thought take me. I wish it will take me to the world of wonders.

My mood: 2.5/10.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

it's me, and it's me

Saturday, January 16, 2010 0

day 162

Today, saturday, My family don’t know I have a diary blog post of my own, except If certain people found out I was writing this... if they can read my rants they don’t know that it came to me. so probably be the same to my friends closest friends and friends, other would deny that it came from me and at the outside world I am usually well, all my life I have been the happy go lucky smile on my face child like. it seems I don’t know anything in this world, it was my character when I was in the Philippines, I’m childish that’s what they said. I never went through an awkward "hate the world" teenage angsty phase. And you know what? I LIKED that about me. I mean, why would anyone WANT misery?

BUT...lately, i'm loosing that quality. I don't know why!... Well, maybe I do, I'm just not ready to admit it. I have a job, thankful for having a job, pay is good, hours a good, so why am I not happy with it? Why is there a sense of the "why am I here" in it? anyway now, I’ve got a boring life, I never dreamt about this since I was a child. Now this life is so boring, I don’t love it. So, hmmm, not bad, but just boring, really boring. I’m not a married man yet, soon perhaps I am. Now I don’t know who loves me so much. I do love her very much, if you ask me, I am.

however, a little frustrated with my year right now. And, I hate that feeling. I wish she could just figure out that something is bothering me and she could do something about it, she knows what it was. Yeah! Wouldn't that be nice, i know, its quite complicated? But it's not a perfect world, everybody knows it, right.

Please don't let me think that this is the root of my problem, because ultimately it's me! and my best friend told me, that I should rather stop what was my thought all about because I couldn’t do something about it. its frustrating, it's not in my hand anymore and it requires somebody to finish it, im just creating my own problem. it's me, and it's me.

My mother taught me that I will make own life. It's happy if you believe it to be, and it's bad if you make it miserable. Positive thinking ruled my head the majority of my life to say the least. I'm an avid believer and pusher of it. Now there is this creeping sensation can only get it so far.

Maybe sometimes, no matter how you want to wish yourself or believe yourself to be happy with what is NOW, it gives way, the bridge sways, oh how it sways!

i dont know anyway...

my mood: 3.5/10.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Extreme disappointment

Thursday, January 14, 2010 3
day 161 - sundayscribblings #197-extreme

Thursday, now i am at work and I don’t have much work to do today but yesterday I’m feeling low and still keep on thinking for my extreme disappointment when I've had discovered the huge problems occurred without being notice, but anyway not for today. I observing myself for the past few days, trying to push myself not to stay on that track bcoz it will put me down to the ground and im trying to get back on my feet, I need recovery fast for myself, I should not let disappointment led me into another depression state.

I need to think positive, I just want a day where everything goes smoothly and I'm happy for once, Happiness is something I haven't seen much all the time. I have done a good job of creating my own smile, better than fake smile… its not the end of the world yet even though we all know Haiti has been hit by massive earthquake with the magnitude of 7.0 on January 12 2010, 100,000 thousands fear dead and a many people were still trapped in collapsed building.

People grieve and tears for their lost family, perhaps many of them was losing hope by now. i hope and pray everything will be going better and i can tell my heart aches for them. i hope they will stay strong for as long as they can be. There aren't words to say what I want and what I feel. as always my thoughts and deepest sympathies lies with those people who lost their family and love ones.

By the way, back to my thoughts. I guess, I can say, i am where I am today because of the thoughts i had in the past. my future will be determined by the thoughts i have today, I am being expectant and hopeful about the future and the thoughts I have about my future will eventually hope become my reality. I am not believer of what your life today is your destiny. It’s not the end yet there is always a better tomorrow.

my mood: 1.5/10.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

pointless post

Wednesday, January 13, 2010 1
day 160

Last night, while waiting, I journey to my older blogs, and I write a lot of depressing thought, I hate it when I always read my older post, sometimes it returns the memory from the past, urgh!!!’s awful thing to read... I don’t know how stupid am i. why I wrote all those whining words and I don’t know where I've got those words that comes out on my head. do you believe if I am depressed or I am feeling low, I write a lot?  but if I am okay, or feel happy a lil bit I write less?....crazy..! horrible writing....but it always happening to me . I usually write a lot when I'm mad or depressed...

And honestly, i don't act like how i seem in my blogs in the real life, I'm not a hateful person at all, i always try to have a smile on my face, even tho its fake. I just like seeing other people happy and How they get happy. I go out, have some tea break at night alone. Need to go out of my way if times get rough, but I always want to make her happy by the way.

Right now, honestly, I can’t really say that i'm happy or I cant really say that I’m not in the mood as well, i think im in middle. God, I hate myself if i sound so depressing all the time. But i never act like it in the real life, I am a good person, Probably why everyone likes being my friend, i make everyone laugh, and i'm always happy around them. anyway, again it just another pointless post I have today…

my mood: 5.7/10.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

not a good sign

Tuesday, January 12, 2010 1
Day 159

today, Tuesday, I woke up early 2:00am and 3:00am. I didn’t sleep again till I go to work. Now a day’s I'm not in the mood for anything, I just really want to forget everything upsets me, im not having lunch, not having a proper meals and not healthy at all. I don’t know when my appetite will be back. its not a good sign for me.

Anyway, Isn't it funny how talking to one person can open your world to a whole new way of thinking, I guess. My mind moves too swiftly for me to get all my thoughts down, but recently I am finding myself challenged by someone who i find interesting and whose thought processes are way different than mine. I have always thought of myself as a real person who cares beyond measures and without judgment...

but i guess i can be offensive without it even being my intention. I don’t know, anyway... I really need to divert my thoughts for a while or for some other way how to forget the things that i think it is not really for me. it's not really a good sign to me... Isn't it i keep pushing myself ? but all though i've seen some other signs? and or maybe difinitely it wasn't design for me? it is so scary though perhaps another downfall will be waiting for me in the near future...

i dont know...... if i will start out trying to find things in common with people... people i can relate to.. people  can help in some way... but i am finding myself also open minded to others' differences. I choose to be open and honest about my life and experiences and hope that it doesn't come back to bite me.

One of my biggest downfalls is being too open and trusting of others... but if you find people who are worth the risk, then it all evens out in the end...but if you don't ever take a chance.. what have you gained? But in the same token...if you don't take the risk ...what have you lost... it's a never ending battle.... guess ultimately it depends on the person looking at the glass or through the glass!

so anyways, just a little venting i guess.

My mood: 5.8/10.

Monday, January 11, 2010

mind rest

Monday, January 11, 2010 1
Day 158

Last night, I decided to let my mind rest for a while not to think much for anything that bothers me, I go out, have some walked, visit the Dvd store and buy some pirated Dvd movies, I just found jacky chan old film dvd compilation.

then I watched the movie- THE MYTH by Jacky Chan, the movie was good and I watched it on my laptop. I'm not using DVD player because i am using instant messenger at the same time (webcam and voice call), I always want to see her, have a talked till I get sleep.

today I woke up early morning, having the same routine every day.

My mood: 5.9/10.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

so much in my head

Sunday, January 10, 2010 0
day 157

As I sit here tired, no appetite, not having lunch. food is not good enough in my taste, I didn’t enjoy eating now a days, but now I don’t want life pretty sure hates me. I like it, but I cannot decide what to do now!

don't know why I can have so much in my head and then when it's time to type or write it all it is hard. It's like my thoughts get scrambled between my brain and my fingers.

i am worried and scared.

my mood: 6.0/10

Saturday, January 9, 2010

a new leaf in life could be?

Saturday, January 9, 2010 2

For the past few days I was thinking what to write about for the Sunday scribbling “ New Leaf”. My mind start to imagine those happy feelings If i will get closer to her. and to be with her is my fulfillment, it’s one of my dream.

Well, a lot of time has gone by and my time is all wasted. I thought there will be a new leaf a new hope but why I am preparing with myself for the worst, I don’t know what really is going to happen, what lies ahead I don’t have any clues and it’s bothering me a lot. “No news is good”.

I just jot down my thoughts, so I’ve got my reference to myself what really matters all about perhaps it may help someday. I don’t want to push myself for an answer for its not beyond my control, it will just drive me for the wrong decision.

So, like always do, waiting game, I just wait. Like i always, trusting that somehow whatever she decides I'll be able to live with. The time, days, miles apart and with so little communication has been very very difficult, worries arise many times. I mean really difficult. I don't like to sound like a whiny female, but there you go, I guess I'm whining..... all right....?! but I am not a female..... it just a blog... don’t read if you don’t like too whining thoughts. Leave a comment if you wanted to help me.

Maybe love just doesn't last at all. Maybe it's only the hope of love lasting forever that endures. Maybe the pain of how this all happened just erased my own faith in what i had and experienced. I feel my trust in what I experienced dwindling into what I fear will become... i am just afraid to be left alone, and happy to stay for my delusional belief.

Maybe I was/am just a fool. I'm not sorry nor do I regret anything. I was so damn happy, even if it was a delusion. If it wasn't real, I'm not sure I want to know. I felt the magic of her and I, and I don't want to know the magic was all smoke and mirrors. I want to hang on to the happiness forever. Please don't break the spell. Leave me with my memories of happiness and joy. This is the first time I've ever said this, but spare me the reality this one more time. after a few months I will see her again, just for three weeks and I really don’t know what is the feelings for the second time. a new leaf in life could be?

Life is so unfair. I hate it sometimes. Then again, I remember that any moment something new can come into your life and make it all better somehow. Just by stopping to pay some attention and exchange some words. Life came alive again. Life began anew. A fresh start. One I guess I need, but don't really want. I think would be happy to end it with me on the doorstep of a new possibility.

I just don't want to make the choice. I’d rather stay this way perhaps.

My mood: 5.5/10.

I already forget how happiness works

Day 156

Saturday first day of the week and I slept late for about 1:00 AM midnight, I’ve got 4 hours left to sleep. it 's not weekend so i need to rush to work, my alarm clock woke me up at 5:00 AM in the morning, I look out the window and the cold air pressed into my deep skin. I need to smile, my heart still worried for the things might be happen to me, I don’t know what my future lies. Deep inside my heart, I am fix, what I have in mind from the start to the last it will not change, I will stand for it, I have my words.

I went down and I walked to the side walk, I'm not in the mood to work today, I am just doing my usual habit every day. I don’t had planned for myself a head, I feel disappointed for what is happening. I really want to stress out my body, really want to enjoy life just to forget all my disappoint, but i cant do it, even though i need too. no chance for to be happy. I want to go back to the gym on weekdays and weekend just to pressure my body and my mind, perhaps it will forget all the things happen into my life, I don’t know how I shall enjoy myself. No time for me. I already forget how happiness works.

My mood: 5.0/10.

i wish i will never wake up

day 155

i have a very sad news today, i am thinking that this is the year, a new leaf of my life could change my fate forever but I am wrong. i have had a bad day for the first day of the month of 2010, crazy, I know… there is no reason why I'm not in the mood for the last couple of days, I already asked myself why and i just presumed that those days it just a bad day. But now I know why. Those bad days it was my warning. I could sense there is a hardest challenge waiting for me along the way and it was happening now and its really, really bad.

and for the past years I've been living here alone. A new leaf, A new fate, A new hope to be with her in spirit. I always love her since the day I knew her. she’s my new life.... with her I feel I am almost one step closer to my goal. To be with her is the only one thing that I need in life. I know I have her, but I want her to be so closed to me, to be next to me, to be here with me forever. she's my missing piece. I have seen her for three weeks during my vacation and almost 2 years we are playing for the waiting game and I almost lost her. i almost lost myself as well. life is too short. But my life is just began.

now another year, another new challenge on my empty pages will be written. i thought waiting is over but we are not done yet were still playing the same game. how long? I don’t know. to wait is the hardest thing I think I had. i lost my life here. i am wasting my time to wait. I know waiting it’s a damn boring, it’s a fuckin boring. But I’ll take the risk.

I know there is always be a bad things gonna happen along the path, along the journey that I chose to walk, I know Once i get closer the hardest challenge i will risk. it’s my fate. but its not the end of the world yet. i am still standing. i will not give up. but if i am dreaming i wish i will never wake up.

my mood: 6.5/10.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Great day!

Thursday, January 7, 2010 1
Day 154

Great day!…… I guess, even though I‘ve had less slept last night. I Woke up... feeling Good, and not the same mood for the last few days, she’s still there, im happy every day i always seen her sleeping in the other part of the world...and she looks good. I woke up 5:00 am, then So I drag my ass out of bed into the freezing room, have some bath and walked down at the side walk heading to the waiting area for the transport to come. gotta good weather today.

Got to work early, had a pretty decent day at work with no assholes in my way, and go home early as well and prepare for the drive home, sneaking out to the police, driving without licensed is big offense, just lucky sometimes, but I am not doing it every time. The raging traffic, the assholes, the catastrophic accident, earthquake, fire, flood...Awesome drive home. Not one thing to slow me down. need to go home, need to see her before I do clean my messy room, get changed and do some abs workout. Like I said, overall great day... hope for another day as good as this one.

My mood: 4.5/10.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

my mood swing

Wednesday, January 6, 2010 1
My day 153

I hate my mood swings, I want to get over it. I’m freaken out, it’s annoying, I can’t tell how I feel right now. I am in the down mood syndrome- I don’t want her to worry about me, not enough to worry about right now without adding me to her thoughts. I don't want to complicate her life anymore, I just want to fix it, even if that's impossible. So last night again it was not a good ending and I am sitting around the house all bloody night I got completely fell in the down mood level.

I am kicking myself, because I am constantly telling myself to be good and careful and not do this sort of thing, I hope I am suitable to her, but I felt there's nothing here for me. I'm too scared of everything to make bad things happen in my life again, so I just keep self-sabotaging, I feel so stupid all the time, and just... I don't know.

I don’t want to really feel something bad, I really had a bad day since the first day of January 2010, I'm numb, inside and out. I don't even know why I'm writing this, none of it matters, nothing.

My mood: 6.5/10.

Monday, January 4, 2010

double time

Monday, January 4, 2010 1

day 151

Now a days I have a lot much a bitter sweet overtime. Sure, I love the double time. I like making pretty darn good money for a job that isn’t all that hard at all, at this point it’s not that hard to me, I’m just used to it. Yet at the same time, Im sure as hell if i would rather be at home, hanging out on the couch not doing anything it was a damn boring. this is better.

lately, I’ve eaten like crap. I didn’t bring enough food to sustain my body, because I thought I’d only be here for 8 hours today. the food I brought was minimal. I eat all much when Im at work, I dont eat much my main meals at home. it helps mee the whole weight loss thing. *sigh*

However, I am aiming to be positive here! We get paid Friday. YAY! I can pay my RENT! And my internet! its okay.. it's nice.

my mood: 5.0/10.

odd life

day 150

tonight, I sit here waiting for anything that comes up into my mind, feeling down, and stressed at work, this is my life, I can't seems to say anything about this odd life I was having, I’ll just do what was my life usually do every day. I'm not sure how to say it... I guess I figure if I can start putting my thoughts into words, it will help to calm myself. just for the sake for not being fuck for the whole damn year.

Well I just getting things off on my chest, these is my life. but I want to write to remember how it feels to have the words flow from me now, so if I will come back to it, well I know what I was thinking on this very day.

My goal right now is to focus on my life. whatever may comes up into my way I will accept it and face the present, love or not be love, I don’t care, it’s my fate to be cheated. I’m still open for whatever life drives me away, whoever may notice my sincerity, for good and kindness I will dwell on her … I am tired, I need to rest....

NOW I don’t want to spent way too much time focusing on or being anxious about the future, and way too much time dwelling on the past. I want to bring myself more into the present, so I am going to try something. I'm going to try to write only about TODAY. It may or may not work, but the goal is to bring myself back to NOW.

im not in the mood today... life sucks!

my mood: 5.5

Saturday, January 2, 2010


Saturday, January 2, 2010 0

Wow Nothing seems to be more delicious when you are unconditionally fell in love with someone you want to be together for the rest your life.

It’s like a cake and a chocolate thing that melts in your mouth the instant it touches your tongue. The kind that you come home to after a long day at work, and immediately dive into like a savage beast. The kind you promise yourself you won't buy, but you do it anyway, because you think you have earned it.

This kind of cake, the kind of chocolate you eat, is the best woman made stuff on the planet. One can't help but divulge in the sensuous aroma of its exterior, and thrive in its smooth and creamy interior, that is soft enough to make a grown man cry. I've seen it to her happen. I’ve seen her how she eat a lot. Even though she wants to lose her weight and promise not to eat much. Honestly, she was deliciously eat much now a days.

my mood: 1.5/10.

Friday, January 1, 2010

The new year has begun - 2010!

Friday, January 1, 2010 0
Day 148

Good Bye! 2009 – hello 2010!!

Today, Friday, January 01 2010, The new year has begun, new number will be credited on my age. Damn it! I'm getting old, hate it! new additional wrinkled line will be added on my face. How come that I am still young but I am look like older than my age?

Anyway, last night, I am still very excited, while waiting for her, the year has come for me to end my singleness. Damn, do I really need to do this? Its freaken me out. I should staying in my room for the first day of the year, I really want to spend time to her even though I have a good night sleep with her before I sleep, for me it’s not enough. But now look at me I am here at work, bored!

However, for the year 2010, I just prayin that my highness will grant me toughness to feel as I thought I have energy and the drive to achieve what I want to this year. Geezz, I made my day. I have missed every happy things in my life and I consider it as my experience, I am tired for being alone for so many years, life wasted and time wasted. But I know I am not the only one having these issues.

Nothing can find true happiness in a single day. Nothing is worse than loosing someone so close to you, I know that it will take time and we may never be as close as we used to be. Sometimes I just woke up in the morning, watching her sleep and she looks so care free but guess if she wake up, she’s fatal.

So far I hope that she stays motivated and will keep her promises to me. And believes in herself, and believe in me. Someday I will be with her my true happiness. And I will fight to keep her for as long as I can. I always treats her like a princess, giving her true happiness, as long as I am with her.

It’s not very hard to fly home, to come back to my grown up country, I’m pretty excited about seeing her, again. where living ages away. It’s only a couple seven (7) months away from now. And a whole day hour flight.


My mood: 1.5/10.
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