Tuesday, June 30, 2009


Tuesday, June 30, 2009 1

Today has been a great day, I've gotten so many calls and text from her for past few days and I appreciate all her efforts, thank you, I’m glad she’s not tired yet. However people are being really nice to me today perhaps my prayer every morning has it effects and have been blessed, in My Myspace is essentially growing In my number of friends, also in Facebook and Friendster, I've been thankful that I am a member of those social community websites.

But, I also would like to thank all of my readers for reading my daily journal at Blogger.Com title Moving Stars. I’m so happy and enjoy to blog more because I have Lots of various visitors from all over the world reading my blogs and continues receiving some email from the readers.

Opening this Moving Stars at blogger.com account has really helped me vent my feelings in a healthy way. Now It seems to me that it is not destructive to write what you feel inside your heart and besides everyone knows that I have been beating down so hard. But now I wasn’t depressed Anymore.

This has really helped me talk about my feelings for the day today basis. And the type of blog that I’ve read throughout my day today online surfing finding some answers for all my question in my mind, through experience of other people online, truly it helps my mood increase and getting back to my normal stage at the moment.

For the first time in my life, I feel As If I've accomplished something I would have never done before. A Record of my current life and memories from my past and future has brought it all to me, love, Fame, fortune, friends, family and people who can’t get enough of me, anyway I’m sorry.

Life for me is simply amazing, and behind all of these things my Inspiration is all credited to beautiful Ms. Marivic Ramirez! She's An Amazing Woman, And Someday i would Love to meet her again hoping all the dreams that I have been planned to her would be finalize. She's brave, tough and smart independent woman, that I look up to.
Every day I heard her voice in the phone, and listened to her praise music, I felt good and it inspired me to keep going on in my career, and also for all my investment that I have been hardly want it to finish right away, You are a real great woman that i admire in so many ways.

But, of course I would like to thank Mr. Edwin Vidal for his patience and understanding whichever my mood appear he's always been there to calm me down and support, yet he gave moral advice to let me focus on my right course!

That's It For The Day!

My Mood 7.1/10

My Love

Love is the greatest feeling,

Love is like a play,

Love is what I feel for you,

Each and every day,

Love is like a smile,

Love is like a song,

Love is a great emotion,

That keeps us going strong,

I love you with my heart,

My body and my soul,

I love the way I keep loving,

Like a love I can’t control,

So remember when your eyes meet mine,

I love you with all my heart,

And I have poured my entire soul into you, Right from the very start.

Psalm 23

The Lord is my Shepherd = That's Relationship!


I shall not want = That's Supply!


He maketh me to lie down in green pastures = That's Rest!


He leadeth me beside the still waters = That's Refreshment!


He restoreth my soul = That's Healing!


He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness = That's Guidance!


For His name sake = That's Purpose!


Yea, though I walk through the valley of t he shadow of death = That's Testing!


I will fear no evil = That's Protection!


For Thou art with me = That's Faithfulness!


Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me = That's Discipline!


Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies = That's Hope!


Thou annointest my head with oil = That's Consecration!


My cup runneth over = That's Abundance!


Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life = That's Blessing !


And I will dwell in the house of the Lord = That's Security!


Forever = That's Eternity!


Face it, the Lord is crazy about you.


I thought this was pretty special, just like YOU!!!
What is most valuable,


is not what we have in our lives, but


WHO we have in our lives!


'Do not ask the Lord to Guide your Footsteps if you are not willing to move your Feet'

Note: circulate email
this has been distributed...

Monday, June 29, 2009


Monday, June 29, 2009 0

You ever get that feeling where your sad or something but you have no idea why or
something that you felt scared, sad and fear in random ways and in some thought you always hear the promising words but they dont know how exactly the value and the meaning of the word they said. Lol yea I know that was not much of an explanation but that's kind of how I'm feeling right now and I just felt that I should probably write about it.

here it goes:

Never say I love you,
If you don't really care.

Never talk about your feelings,
If they aren't really there.

Never hold my hand,
If you’re going to break my heart.

Never say you’re going to,
If you don't plan to start.

Never look in my eyes,
If all you do is lie.

Never say hi,
If you really mean good bye.

If you really mean forever,
Then say you’re going to do your best.

Never say forever,
Cause forever makes me cry.......

Note: Love, trust, understanding, affection, honesty, tolerance and loyalty are key factors for a successful relationship. but dont forget to include God is the center for all those things.

My mood: 7.0/10

Sunday, June 28, 2009

I will not regret

Sunday, June 28, 2009 0

I am very happy to announce that today I had a very good day!! For those of you who have been reading my blog, you know that life has been beating me down pretty hard. Today however was different. My day started early with a smile. Oh Baby, It was so good to hear from you earlier. It was a most pleasant surprise, I’m glad I’ve seen you today, I’m scared because I thought you broke your promised, Now, I Just found you is my privileged.

I just can't tell you enough how important you are to me, I won’t let you go. but, sometimes I wonder if you will ever get sick again and you realize I’m not the one you love? I hope not, I hope you won’t get tired calling me every day. Even I know you turn a little for sometimes.

I’m glad to let my family know, Even when the rest of the world knows how I care for you and the way how being In love with you. and I always want you to see it by yourself. Finding a new and interesting ways how to tell that I love you, it will be my daily challenge to move up to the next level, its my pleasure

It's so, there is no possible way you are able to forget. Even when days get rough and we are still unable to be together, I will find a way to find you anywhere, just to make it sure that I will not regret those love we spent together...

I think of you when I run into challenging situations every day. You’re smile adds to my strength, worries and fears fades. I know If I can't be with you and show through my actions These blogs will be my medium for you. Each night that goes by without you beside me is one night closer to an eternity with you.

I don't know where these words even come from. When I sit in silence. Thinking of you. It just flows out from a place unknown. Oh, Baby. I will be with you soon. I know Somehow there is a place for me to see you again. I will not regret to forget this point in time.

My mood: 7.1/10

Never Alone


I was asleep and woke up with lot of thoughts in my mind and waiting to see her online. Although, perhaps she might not going back home tonight till tomorrow but I wish in Jesus name I know she will kept her promise to God and to me as well.

Then I tried so hard to go back to sleep, but I could not. Anyway, while am lying in my bed, I am thinking about the times that we've spent together for past few months, although I wonder if I'm dreaming this magical life with you. Being in love with you brings joy into my life again, which is I thought that I couldn't find this feelings to anyone anymore. 

I am just thankful that you're in my life. The road for us is still long and wide and very, very difficult for us, but remember I will always be by your side to support you, no matter what…

There have been hard times, bad times and good times for both of us. We have reached new and higher level of love for what we have shared in the past few months till now, and I would do it all over again with you if I had too. I have no regrets.

Now, with the help of our God the creator of heaven and earth I will not be afraid for though I have faith on him and gave you my full trust for the angel of trustworthy has been blessed you of his mighty sword.

Please understand that we have so much to give to each other and lot’s of patience to bear. Though, I look forward until the day we will meet, waiting until the next time I can see you and be seized close in your arms so tight that all doubts and all suspicious motives should fades.

I believe it is closer now than before but It is just that there might be a few more obstacles that we need to clear up.

In my blog The whole world can see and they know how I felt for you. I love you so much and you will never be alone.

My mood: 7.1/10

Saturday, June 27, 2009

angels of righteousness

Saturday, June 27, 2009 1

Many things have happened in the past, and many things have changed. It doesn't matter how much time has gone by. Time could never make my feelings being weak or fade away, it getting stronger and stronger. Now we are back together to give us one more chance. Love, trust, understanding, affection, honesty, tolerance and loyalty are key factors for a successful relationship. God’s fate is always in our hand.

You're my theme for my dream! Every moment were having chat together we grow closer. but I'm simply hanging by a moment because my heartfelt fears and scared when the day of the week came and you are somehow, in any chance.

thinking to find someone who will ease your loneliness for a short period of time. I cannot do anything about it. If that the case, I’m mute. I could say I’m helpless, it belongs to God’s hand now and I consider it faith and trust for you.

I can’t do anything for it but only to pray that God the father will wake you up, enlighten your pathway straight right through our dreams and let God touch you and show the wonderful things that will be happen to us in the near future. I will pray that the angel of righteousness will give you guidance until your heart and guilt are awaken.

Now, I’m waiting until the next time I can see you and be held close in your arms soooo tight that all else worries and all fears should fades.

My mood: 6.7/10

Friday, June 26, 2009

lets start all over again

Friday, June 26, 2009 1

From the first time I saw you, I was attracted. But Never have I regretted a moment spent with you! and To think that I should better straightening my life and my future so I could be able to stand and protect you when it necessary.

A dream to live together is accomplishment. but somehow you forgot about the important person by your side, ME!. Things became a mess but I’m still stuck by, i am trying to wake you up to come back and hoping that things will come back to normal, because you are losing the most important gift of God, which is love… 

please don't let go now, be brave. Good or bad I’m always with you, I will not let you down. 

If I am able to travel back in time, I would go back to the moment I met you, and start all over again. This time I have an understanding on what needs to be done and what makes you happy. 

I know we are only human, and as humans we can't do magical things.

The next best thing that can be done is don't give up, be tough and strong, ask guidance and protection to God. but somehow i asked question what I would do if you had that other option now, I know I can’t do anything, I am helpless. but, i learn that i should be brave and have focus to our God.

But please Let me love you as you should be loved and take care of you for the rest of your life, to see all the dreams we talked about, and to grow old together, to take care of you when you are in love and be there when you just need a shoulder to lean on. 

I am not giving up on you, and I don't ever want to. Fate will always be in our hands, and the future controlled by us. Let love be, and let's be happy together. let's start all over again.

My mood: 7.1/10

Thursday, June 25, 2009

I hope that things will go back to normal

Thursday, June 25, 2009 1

Things are hard right now, and they seem to just be a big blurry mess. But I don't blame you for any of it. I know this is both of our faults so I don't expect you to say or do anything. I know that we are trying to fix all the screwed up things in our lives right now, and I hope we do get to make everything all better again.

I am only truly happy when I am with you. Your presence just lights up my world. Everything I am and everything I have is depend upon you.

I am sorry for the way I have harmed your feelings in the past and I know you are sorry for mistreating me. We can be happy together if we work everything out, which I think we will.

You are everything to me and I love you with all my heart.

I hope I can learn to open up to you and let you know how I feel. I also hope that you will be able to recognize when something is wrong. But no matter what we do or where we go, I will love you. I will always love you, Baby. You mean the world to me, and I hope that things will go back to normal.

My mood: 7/10

i always have hope

i can smile away the pain or i can do what i need to do to change. There’s hope in everything's Life, love, and happiness all have hope. Dreams are the most important part in someone’s life, and i have that gift. If you don't have a dream then what do you have? You have a world of a dull boring hope. How are you supposed to want someone to love you when you cannot love yourself?

Love isn't about being content. It's about being happy with the fact that there’s someone to share your HAPPINESS with. the depression strips me of everything, its happens to me all the time, specially this month, I have been struggle in a long run, but I always have hope because I’m not alone, God helping me to carry my burden.

I Look back of my whole journal entry, I learn that I should Create something out of myself because depression does not control me. you know that simple uplifting words can mean a word of everything to me? Life’s so much easier when you have someone to share it with. So, from now on I should put a smile on because you never know who's falling in love with it. We never know.

My mood: 6.9/10

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


Wednesday, June 24, 2009 1

I can't take the pain any longer, nothing good is happening!!!!! Even if I try to find it myself, it doesn't work, when I pray to the lord, it does no use, it's not fair, not fair that the pain I have been feeling inside is now officially depression, I don't know I am scared, perhaps i may not make it to age 40, I am shaking just writing this blog and my mood status goes down quickly...

It's not just about moving away from all of the friends I CARE about so DEEPLY, it’s her who eats my solemn thought every night, it is me to blame not her, i didn’t do anything wrong but why I deserved this?,

I can't take this no more, I am seriously having depression thoughts and it's NOT getting better, it seems like there’s no easy way out? Is it? I don't know, I know the effects it brings to my family specially to my mom, to myself and my friends..

my friends? What would they think if they found out I am dead? I see all their reactions in my head, the sadness, mixed in with grief and pain... it’s weird and scary thought.

Love fell apart, feelings of guilt, pain, depression fill the spot where my love one should fill, I am now crying, but I am sick and tired of those hideous feelings I want to be in heaven, can't afford to make any mistakes, I am a mistake, I am horrid, I am nothing anymore, I used to have it all, but now it came tumbling down like the cruel walls....

My mood: 6.0/10

i am just scared

last 3 nights i dont have a good sleep, im still keep on thinking what's happening in my life, Why do I allow myself to feel this way? Why is it so hard to just walk away? I keep telling myself that I can do it. That I can be strong enough to walk away.

Then I find myself thinking of ways to make it work. I am so sick and tired of my thoughts being in turmoil. I try to keep my head up for my relatioship with her, but inside I'm dying. I tell myself to get over it and move on, every day I'm online trying to find out more about her. I want to move on with her, i will not let go, i am just scared and I want to stay with her forever.

I don't know what to do anymore, im scared. Can I trust again? Can I love again? I don't know anymore, im tired. I wish the solution was simple. Why do people hurt you? Why can't they just be true and honest? Why is it that when you have a good relationship you posses? you choose easily to let it go?

my mood: 6.8/10

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

love me again

Tuesday, June 23, 2009 2

I'm really missing the woman who loves me, all i want to do is talk to her as how he used to be with me.

i don’t really know what to say to her, but I really want to hear her voice, often, and I just want her to love me again.

My mood: 6.5/10


"FORGIVING YOURSELF for everything you've felt ashame about is highly important. Whatever happened was necessary, so let go of regret, and replace your negative feelings with gratitude for what you've learned.

Be gentle and forgiving with yourself,
and refuse to engage in any self-repudiation.

or feel ashame as a result of not fulfilling your objective to serve as a being inspiration.

When you remove the obstacles erected by you and your toxic world, you'll allow TRUE HEALING POWER to flow through you.

Somehow being inspired allows your thoughts TO REMOVE ANY OF THE BONDS that can serve as excuses for not doing what you know you're here to accomplish.

Affirm that whatever brings passion,
enthusiasm, and inspiration to you
Say it often:
It is on its way
It will arrive on time
And it will arrive in greater amounts than I imagined.

Peace doesn't necessarily mean
being in a place
where there's no noise or trouble;
Rather, it means that
In the midst of turmoil,


Walking Through The Pain

Life is not always that easy. There isn't any way to prevent someone from experiencing pain, but learning about GOD'S LOVE is the best way to deal with life's ups and downs. 

God never promised that He would always protect us from pain and suffering, but HE did say that HE would walk with us through it and deliver us from pain and sorrow.

God Bless You!!!!!


"Words is not enought to tell you how remorseful i am to commit such sin. I did asked the Lords forgiveness and promise that i will never ever do such sin again as long as i live. I did asked you forgiveness and hope and pray you will forgive and forget about it in due time . I did regret it and theres a big impact about what i did to you and our relationship.

The damaged is huge and the pain is unbearable to you and to me even you dont believe me for that . Seeing you so unhappy and in pain torn my heart to piesces. And i couldnt forgive myself for that. And the worse is that you may not trust me again. I pray to God that He heals your pain and HE brings back the love and joy we felt for each other when we first met.
I pray to God everyday of mylife to guide me and protect me in everything i do and say. And i will walk in HIS path everyday of mylife and his words will be my guide in everything i do.

Im so grateful for you accept me again and love me again inspite of what i did to you. I did not expect this because i dont deserved this after what i done to you. I should be punished. If i lost you i will be unhappy for the rest of mylife. Because i lost the man i love and your love is so precious to me. So what if it will happen, its my own fault anyway and i deserve to be unhappy after what ive done to you . You are the one that dont deserve to be in such pain. Because you are good and honest person. And you have treated me well and love me wholeheartedly. Nothing in the world can give me happiness and love like what you give to me. You are my life, my world, and my everything. I am such a foolish girl to destroy all of it.

I will do what i say from now on and i will do everything what i say to you. I will focus to you and our plan and future. Most of all i will let God to deal with everything about me and you ,and be the center of our lives. As long as i live and when we will be together i will make you happy for the rest of our lives. I will love you and respect you and care for you as long as i live and until the end of forever .

Love for me to you has deeper meaning now and i would like to thank you for giving me such happiness and joy to know you and be part of my life. I am so blessed to have you in mylife . And i couldnt thank the Lord enough to give me such perfect and wonderful gift and blessing which is you and your love which i treasure and cherish for the rest of mylife.

I love you so much baby. I love you so much and i mean every words of it. My happiness will be complete when i see you happy and when we get married and live together always and forever and never be parted anymore.
Until here my baby , i love you and will love you always and forever .
Thank you so much for your forgiveness!!

im am your baby always now and foreverxxxxxxxx i love you so much xxxxxxxxxxx i miss you so muchxxxxxxxxxxxx "

i just want to be happy

Right now I feel as if I'm never going to be loved by someone i love back. it makes me sad. I'm very unhappy with my life right now. I know i shouldn't say that because the lord can take it away from me so quick.

I feel I am alone in this world and there is nothing i can do about it. I ruin everything. Right now the way i feel about her is that if could spend the rest of my life with her, I will do it, no words to say . I know i have the knowledge that it’s too early to think like that because we just only hanged out in a week.

i guess, i can’t always go on my way without her. but the thing is she NEVER want to goes my way, and she chose different pathway for what we had been decided and I'm tired of being the one who has been emotional all the time. I wish so bad that i can just get her out of my head, but its not that easy being in love.....

Ughh i just want to be happy.

My Mood: 6.6/10


Sometimes, you get the feeling that she don't give you the credit that you (Think) you deserve. That just makes you feel miserable. I try, I do try to tell her to give me value for what I am, to tell everyone that I'm not just an object.

That is my main problem. She just can't appreciate and she can't give value to what I do for her, it's just like nothing. But to me, it seems hard. How to tell her how I feel? How to make her understand the way I love her.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Letter Home

Monday, June 22, 2009 0
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!"

My Mood: 6.8/10

it’s just a new beginning

and I broke up with her. God knows i love her so much, I am just pretending that im strong and tough, pretending that if we were not be together i will be fine and alright, but my heart is dying inside. I couldn’t live without her.

I've decided the tears aren't worth it. The pains not worth it. All this hurt isn't worth it. Im done. It's going to kill me to end it, but hurt less in the long run. I have to do what’s best for me. This pain is so emotional that i know its not right for me.

I hate that he doesn't even understand how much her actions are killing me inside. Perhaps i'm overreacting... I'm done. I will be out of his life for good. I don't want to see her ever again for the pain she caused me.

The only problem is that I am still too much in love with her. I ll die if I cant talk to her. This is going to be one cut that’s never going to heal, and maybe I will regret this on my entire life…..

But in the end.. I am still with her…and it’s not an end… it’s just a new beginning…

My mood: 6.8/10

Trusting In God

God is the one guy in my life that will always love me. :)

Even if I don't feel loved by my friends, family and specially my baby;

God still loves me.

and I was starting to feel depressed but then it was like a light shined on my bible "theopillos bible software", and I went to open it: double click: and the first scripture I was read is John 3:16.

THANK GOD. God is great...

my mood: 6.7/10

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Fathers Day..!

Sunday, June 21, 2009 0
Happy Father's Day
Dad's don't like flowery statements,
Long winded songs of praise,
Or ties.

They do appreciate some thanks
For all their tireless efforts
And endless hours on the job

The best way to thank them
Is with hug, kisses, and with
silence surprises

Hit it.

Sharp Blade

Honest confession is good but you know the words that you say is dug slowly inside me deeply just like the sharp blade of a knife.

You really have no idea how much it hurts to me. it seems like you are stabing me in my back many times and kick me while i was down....and then you are just standing there and watching me hit the ground and laughing out loud.

you dont have any idea how much it hurts to me, i look at you in your stunning eyes and you didn't even care a little, yet you let me down helpless.

your obviously done it to me, for a month and i think it almost a year already but you are just telling lies to cover up all your mistakes.....

you know how we promised each other how we'd been in love forever? But i guess times has changed.

My mood: 5.5/10

Worth living

There are no words to express the gratitude I feel in my heart, that our hearts have come to dwell together, as one. thank you for the letter you wrote today baby, You are my life, my heart, my soul. You are my everthing and i want you to bear in mind always. You are my one true love.

The day we met was fate, its not an accident. Our lives intertwining was fate. You are my destiny. I love you more today than I did yesterday, and I'll love you more tomorrow than I do today, its either good or bad i always love you im with you and i will stand besides you to protect whatever it may take.

Loving you is the only thing that makes life worth living, you know it ever since, i dedicate my life with you and i dont want to loose my chances i have now.. even if im lossing hope.. i will stand and fight back even if my last breath may take.. i love you in so many ways and i will show to the world in so many ways...

Please forgive me cause i know the love i give for you is not enough; I love you and I always will until I die. Hopefully, when that day comes, I will still have you by my side and you will be that last angel face I see. I will be able to hold you in my arms one last time and tell you how much I love you and how much you really mean to me.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

A piece of me

Saturday, June 20, 2009 0
it hurt to see if you see someone you love have been move on. It was like all the promises that has been made will turn null and void.

I see now, why there was a side of me that never took to heart after so many times when she said she loved me. I never knew it was a lie. It only ended up hurting us both in the end. You know what it feels like.

A piece of me will always be with her.

The Scorpion Story

Has anyone have heard of the scorpion story?


One day a scorpion was walking along the riverbank trying to find a way to get across the river that separated him from his desired location when he came across a frog sitting alongside the riverbank. The scorpion walked up to the frog and asked the frog if he would take him across the river.

The frog quickly replied, "No, I would not give you a ride." The scorpion then asked him why. The frog replied, "Because Mr. Scorpion if I gave you a ride on my back you would sting me and I would drown." Quickly the scorpion replied, "But Mr. Frog, ifI stung you then you would drown and if you drown then I would drown also." The frog thought for a moment and then said, "I guess you're right, then I will give you a ride."

The scorpion jumps on the frog's back and they start crossing the river. Half way across the river the frog suddenly feels a sharp pain in his back, as the scorpion stingshim. The frog immediately starts to panic as he feels the venom racethrough his veins and he quickly begins to become paralyzed.

Just as he is taking his last breath and about to go down, the frog looks atthe scorpion and asks "Why did you do it? You promised not to stingme! Now we are both going to drown!" The scorpion replies, "I'm sorry,Sir, but I could not help it - it's my nature".

the women always keeps you falling down...

i love her

I love her so much it hurts. shes my everything. When I'm with her Nothing could go wrong, my world is with her.

No ones ever made me this happy. The day I met her was the best day of my life. The moment i touched her hand I new I'll love her for ever.

I never wanted to let go of her hand. When I'm with her it feels like a dream come true. I can not live with out her...

but i just woke up....and it was a dream. 1:00 am, June 20 2009.


Lost in a world, that scares me to death,
Lost in a crowd, I'm losing my breath.
Lost as a boy, lost as a man,

I need to grow up, don't think I can.
Lost as a person, can't find my way.
Lost in life, every day.
Lost in worry, who am I?
All my life I've tried so hard

Lost to kindness, lost to love,
Lost in a sky, like a new-born dove.
Lost in thought, which I shouldn't do,
It winds me up, I can’t get through.

Lost to comfort, all kind words,
Lost to advice, it isn't heard.
Lost to those who really care,
All these people, always there.

Lost in me, I need a break,
Lost in wonder, which road to take?
Lost in a place I don't know well,
Where are you now? There's no one to tell.

Lost here, all alone,
Lost apart from the mobile phone.
Lost still, there are no calls.
I'm struggling alone, to break these walls.

Lost in mind, lost in soul,
Lost memories, they're just a hole.

Lost family, lost mate,
Gone now, yet I'm full of hate.
Lost in a crazy world
Lost now, for what to say,
Lost in boredom, think I'll leave.

There's a lot in life I need to achieve.

uplifting friday

i look back at the whole journal entry i wrote daily and realise it was done in quite an irrational mood. i was just upset, and needed to blame things on other things, specially to myself. essentially, it was just me in a bad mood.

today im feeling much better. it ended up just being coincidence that was causing my bad moods. i think im actually getting to put this small relapse behind me, and i can see things returning to normal. not to say that they'll happen straight away, but this is just how it seems to me. a small break was probably good.

im off today, its friday, we're suppose to go to the beach today but they all played majhong last night till morning, and now i found myself watching movies, "My bloody Valentine" from lionsgate... its excelent movie...

so for now i should be good and i should not think for anything that makes me upset. i've been stinging to see this movie for quite some time now, i have 4 in 1 dvd pirated CD....and i have a lot of movies to watch....

Meanwhile, i was with my friends yesterday, i went out with them and ended up having quite a lot of fun for playing basketball. it tends to be that when i am alone i am in my worse moods.

when i am around friends, my moods seem to lift quite rapidly. though i am not sure if this is because i am so used to hiding my true moods when around people who aren't within my closest circle of trust. apparently im quite convincing at it.

journal writing for me seems to be the best way to alleviate any distress i have from a bad mood. though not in one at the moment, i think i'd like to keep this up for as long as possible, just to monitor moods etc. i don't know how long it will be till i have another slip up.

mood today: 6.5/10 tomorrow, i'll try and write, though i can't guarentee. going to a friends house, then going out. it might be short. so far so good, so cool off i ithink its a really bad idea for now..

mood today: 6.5/10

Thursday, June 18, 2009

New bike

Thursday, June 18, 2009 0
anyone here wants to donate a new bike for this kid! i would be glad if you will help him!

sounds like me, the real me...

what the earth im thinking why i wrote sad stories in my blog it supposed to be a happy one.. or otherwise vice versa …, okay, I will think a happy moments, and it should sounds like me, the real me...I hate being me...anyway!

now, I am staring in front of my computer screen and paused for a while, not to think negative but of course trying to write positive way but it should be nice happy moments. I have lots of thoughts flowing in my brain right now, goes in and out. but all of the thoughts flowing are all way through sad emotional stories….

Now I have a bad feelings. Perhaps i should need to recover my feelings first and start to learn to turn away everything that it cause my heart pain and learn to forget the past and yet accept the reality that we can’t control bad things to happen, it just happen.

I’m trying my best to think a better way how to improved my emotional feelings quickly. I should improved myself a whole lot more this coming year, otherwise I cannot completely finish my contract. So I’m not going to be perfect and pretend that everything is okay, because really I’m not okay...

I’m afraid I can’t think the right way to write a blog for now…not for today..I’m sorry.

the real me...

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Promises are made to be broken

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 0
I'm trying so hard to let go of my feelings.....I'll still be mourning for the broken promises she gave me...I actually believed it... I know we all hear this line,.. when she said " I promise, I'll never hurt you...I mean it, i love you." i believed with those line.

I actually believed it when she was always telling to me with emotion with strong feelings, basically you will believed that she's sincere. then she said, "You'll never loose me. Never ever. I'll never leave you." Everytime I recall her words my hearts squezzing, i cried, even now as I type...yet I can't stop thinking off of those words

she told me, "Promise me that no matter what difficulties, what challenges, we will still get married" this line is cool...!

and again she said "i promised".

But how you will marry her, if she has been dating with someone else?,

breaking their own promise to you? How would you marry her if she's telling a lies from you? and how you will believed on her?

i had tried to break her up but shes coming back to me..and i still believes that she's cheated on me..... yet he will do it again and again...

i know she will break her promises in due time, i know she cant resist with it, she will look for a new one.. if she's not being satisfied...

but to me, i will never going to make another promises unless it's to the person I actually do love and marry...until then.

I never want to hear another promises ever again......never again

because sometimes i am scared that maybe i might be stupid enough to believe in her with all my heart.......... then finally at the end i will pick up the broken pieces of my heart.

Up and Down

Today I had a mental breakdown. My eyes burn so bad. One reason is because there dry and the other is this damn computer screen.

Today I hate myself. I mean I'm trying, and I'm changing slowly. I improved myself a whole lot this month and last. But it takes time to heal. So I'm not going to be perfect and pretend that everything is okay, because really its not. At least not today.

I don't understand. . I'm so up and down. Up and fucking down. Its so annoying. Like literally I can be happy one minute and crying for the next. I don't understand. I wonder how long today I'm going to stay up.

I'm so like braking down to little pieces so slowly, please help me how to cope with all of this feelings i felt. I'm not getting the right sleep I need. I'm not eating the right food, im not eating for 3 days. I'm paranoid about a lot of stuff.

I just, . . . I don't know how long I can take it anymore. I just want to be permanently happy!!! its like a quest for never ending happiness, We all deserve to be happy in our very own way.

Stay home

There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He said “I’ve had enough of this flying south every winter, I’ll just stay right here on this farm, what’s the big deal, anyway?”

So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by staying, he headed to a near by barn for shelter.

On his way to the barn it began to snow. The poor bird was cold, tired and hungry. “Why did I stay?” he asked himself as he collapsed on the ground. As he lay there covered by the snow, a cow happened by.

The cow, feeling the need to relieve himself, crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, “Who did this horrible thing to me, how dare someone crap on me, I’ll get him for this!” The crap was too heavy for him to free himself.

But, after a while the crap began to warm him and he forgot all about his anger. In fact he was so warm that he began to sing. A buzzard passing overheard the singing and went down to investigate.

As he cleared away the crap to his delight he found the bird. The bird was so happy to be free from the crap that he thanked the buzzard, who then decided to eat the little bird.

The moral of this story: Just because someone craps on you, it does not make them your enemy, and just because someone gets you out of the crap, it does not make them your friend.

My Smile Faded away..

I spent the better part of all day sentiments. Trying to pretend I could hold together the pieces of my dying heart It couldn't be saved. It's a year completely wasted on a silly fuckin lust. I still can't feel anything but pain.

I'm sorry. I wish I could say that I don't feel anything. I wish I could say that it didn't faze me at all because I could see it coming from a miles away. I wish a lot of things weren't the way they are now, i know she's happy with him. Most of all, I wish I could remember how to smile right now.

i am doing the best i can to help pick up my heart broken pieces. I love her with everything I have. But even if she can't help, i am still hoping that someday she will realize i love her so much.

and I can't seem to shake the fact that today- i lost everything, I lost the girl i love, I lost her sympathy to me, and now she do love someone else.

god knows best..

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

you broke my heart

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 0
and now I feel empty. I miss your voice when you call me, I miss your smile in the morning, but this is might be my destiny. and yet for me it was my real love for you, but now I understand that there is no hope for me and I don't want another chance to fall in love to anyone, I don't want to suffer anymore.

I say you were my flower, you were my world and my world is around you. I can't forget you. I feel im not what you want, you make me feel so useless sometimes, I always try to feel you are more important than all the others as much that i could do but I can't do it very well probably because i am across the sea, im living in another part of the world.

here I'm thinking about you like all the memories that we had spent for a couple of days and also those hours by the time I felt that I have been in love with you. I really dont understand why the world let it happen to me now, i felt frustration, upset, and discourage.

i really couldnt understand why my life treated me like these, now there's a big question mark in my mind!

do you really love me?!

Should I go away from you?

If I would do this, I should do it now, I will run away over for my thoughts far far far away. so does our story end.

this love was the best love that has ever happened to me, no regret. but, you don' t understand how much I love you, and what I could do for you, to make your life better as much as possible.

my life is a piece of shit! I want to forget you, I want to forget everything, I want to forget this time of my life.

i hate myself for being me... i felt down...

you broke my heart.

not my time yet.

There are times that things dont go as you want it too.

What can I do?

I guess, I just keep on trying in a different ways.

Things will be better in time. in God's way.

Just not now

That's all.

Monday, June 15, 2009

God has it own time to do his precious work

Monday, June 15, 2009 3
It is almost three o'clock in the morning! I'm always up around this time and getting ready to work. I don't know what’s wrong with me. But things have been okay with me, which is good so far. And I'm really trying to stay positive.

I've been crying a lot. But it's okay. Nobody has hurt me or made me sad. I was just going through some changes with myself, good changes because I live in fear of myself my whole life. Just afraid of saying it's okay, afraid to do things. Afraid not to worry or afraid to think of something else. It may sound all weird, and I'm sorry if it does.

I'm also a little paranoid. OKAY, MAYBE A LOT PARANOID. Why? I really don't know. I'm just afraid of everything that happens. But like what my mom said I can’t control bad things to happen. They just happen. And that’s what I'm afraid of because It won't be able to control it.

I called my mom and finally talked to her, and she's okay. Anyway, and now It felt so good it brought tears into my eyes, because i told her all my problems, I just want to let go of my emotions and she said "it's not my time yet, God has it own time to do his precious work". just be patient the time will come.

I thought she might hated me. I just missed talking to her, mom is always a mom. She’s like a grumpy sometimes but she can be sweet and outgoing, funny when she wants.

world can read my blog

I am blogging in my laptop. my thoughts come and go, keyboards are clicking, mouse are also busy. friendster and yahoo messenger accounts are open. I recalled that in the advent of the internet, people will more connected.

Well, probably true. People from all over the world can read my blog. Its open for access that anyone can comment on it. But probably, this is an irony of this modern day technology. People - thousands of them in blogging community- can know what Im thinking. We are connected. But I
do not even know the person reading my blog. Pretty ironic.

Im connected to the rest of the world - to you bloggers out there- yet I know not a soul in the very place of where I'm at. It seems the internet had built a bridge to the distant and created gaps between the immediate people you are with.

i have been forgotten

Night is comin’ over me, I found myself thinking alot and it's happening right now, I am just staring at my T.V.

Well, to be honest, I am now staring at my laptop screen and starting to do some bloggings, yet I am staring also in my T.V but my mind wasn’t there.

And now, I feel my heart is empty, helpless and loveless. it is easy to think that everyone else must have been happier than me. I have had to try very hard not to harm myself for the last couple of days.

but still I always feel the pain knowing that she might do it again. i always try to convince myself to be relaxed and of course, calm down. but i found out that am still empty, nobody cares, and i have been forgotten.

I am not eating, if am upset and down, or sometimes i cut my hair shorter bacause its the easiest way to harm myself. Its the only thing I can control myself. there are times my mind is floating in the dark mid air, flying empty and stunned. so right now, I am controlling not to hurt myself. i should learn to know how to take care of myself, indeed. I need to let go of it, leave and turn back on it. because she doesn’t care, i should not care! just DONT CARE! just leave and let go.

Life is too short and hard. bloody hell, I am sick of it. I haven’t got a fight left to come. Angels trying to hug me to make me feel better and I just want to think that I don’t want anybody to touch me. I don’t want to feel people cares for me. It's easier to think they don’t exist, because at least then it doesn’t hurt me so much, that this shit keeps happening to me.

Life would be easier without people knowing it. Anyway, I wouldn’t be such a Fucked up person if it wasn’t for my mistakes.

i can’t stop thinking about it, i really hate myself. i Want to lock up myself away somewhere….. until I just disappear.

I’m tired....

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Will you let me leave?

Sunday, June 14, 2009 1
here i am, my head baffles me again, but i shouldn’t think about it coz I am tired now. Am broken down to my knees. I am the only one. I can’t do it all alone by myself. But that’s not the real problem here.

The culprit is that stupid wall that separates us. The one that shuts me in and hides me away from the world. As long as I stay here, nobody will never see how much it really hurts, how often I’m really let down, how drained they can make me.

I worked so hard to build it and apparently, I am quite the brick layer…I have yet to see anyone loosen a single little piece. Why did I do it? Build it that way, plan that way? It was the only thing I could do to make it day today. You’ll never understand the extent of the things I’ve been through.

And I really don’t care to get into it because it would be harder for me. But I am exhausted. I can’t keep carrying any load and for her. …. .. I could use a little saving.
I am the keeper of my secrets. There are no windows where I live, so you can never peek through. I don’t want you to see. I don’t want you to know. I’m the one that has to be strong. I’m the one that my love one always depended on.

People don’t understand why my friends in the real world are generally 20+ years older than me. It is because I feel like I’ve been here for a thousand years. I’ve gone through my 33 years more than most of you will in a lifetime. It’s just been one of those days…with a couple hours of exceptions thrown in.

When I left work today I thought to myself, “If God really loved me, he’d let me go and take me home”. How pitiful. I am that tired.

I just want to go “home”.

losing weight

I still haven't lost anything, but it's my own fault. I have nothing and none to blame right now but my lazy self.

So, after work I decided to loosen up just a bit today. go straight to the gym its cool, its a good habbit to start with. now I didn't do the "oatmeal diet" but last night after dinner i know i gain more pounds because i tasted kare-kare with ginisang bagoong on the road its one of my favorite dishes, it is delicious! yummy!

Now, I haven't been working out or eating like I should. I'm scared that I've lost what momentum I had for the past few months, i want my body stay fit and so my chances was not gone, i like exercise.

But I have to keep pushing forward for my health, i am determin to push right throught it. now i will convince myself that i should go back to the gym.

i hope that I lose a pound of weight till the end of this year.

so much depend

Today, in my thought there are many parts of my life that turn out to be my weaknesses. however, so much depend could be a super weakness, but she knows how much I depend on her for the love and compassion she gives, I could never ask for more.

Yesterday morning, she called me only at yahoo messenger, it's a free call rather than to call overseas its quite expensive then we talked about moving in together, the plan that has been already started, the promises that i am so much depend on and we fell in love and had a baby. its a wonderful promised right! if everything well be done accordingly.

The whole time, we just laughed our asses off at everything we could, Of course, another great weakness is my heart. Whoever holds it could kill me, I swear.

If so...i would be frustrated with her if sHe promised things could be different for what we had planned.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Random thoughts

Saturday, June 13, 2009 0
first of all, my internet connection sucks and that is why i could not blog quickly. i know and I am 60% sure that the modem we are using is having a problem. perhaps a firewall such as spyware application that prevents every connection not to connect into the world of internet.

A running application in the Random Access Memory itself blocked each application not to connect in the internet and the browser will show error. and that is why I am Randomly offline…....

second, i am tired of my sick "English" I think I should go back to my elementary class on 1st grade just to make sure that I will do my homework and make sure that i will study hard.

however, I am just heartbroken to find someone cruel enough and closed minded to tell someone that I am writing bad and boring, I hope my friend won’t felt tired to correct my English grammars, sentence structure and specially the tenses…geezz I hate English….

third, but everyone can write, not everyone will publish, but everyone is capable of putting thoughts and emotions on paper... right!

finally, this thought is part of my journal for today..sorry everyone but i had to let it out,

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