Friday, December 17, 2010

further away

Friday, December 17, 2010 0
Friday, So, I've been awake for about over an hour, i washed my clothes, i cleaned my room and I've my morning cup of coffee as always. I plan to eat nothing today,  i don’t have appetite till now, i am still shocked, and really its quite difficult to accept the fact that it was happened, i can’t believe it.

For now i  Just took a cup of coffee and water. I'm going to be strong today and stay tough, though. I'm trying to think about the fact that I have will power and that I'm in control. I should learn to forget the fact that it was over.

Its boring, since yesterday i had a stressful day.  Hmmm... maybe overwhelming? hmmm.. just very sad... confusing and emotional, everything was wrong... i didn’t expected to happen. 
i really feel like i am losing it.  part of me feels like i am further away from her than ever, like im such a disappointment and ass. but then another part of me is telling me this is the real turning point, and that there is absolutely no going back. i really don’t know where im going and just ugh, tired...  the hate i have for myself and hate for just living. and going through every day. I felt that i live in hell.... depressing and a whiney complaining asshole.

ahwell... i should get over it and stop being so unappreciative.

my mood: 8.5/10.

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Whew!!! i know It's been a long time since i wrote a blog about my life as day leaps another day..

So now, im back. but where would i start? I guess i made it already CHEATER and as i am writing this blog.. im sitting here on my bed.. listening to the song that i made and i upload it in youtube and of course it fits my current life..

thinking of what else of to do next... kinda lonely.. remembering the girl i used to love so truly and cheated me a several times before it's already over..the girl who gave me reason to be careful of my heart next time... the girl who wasted my love and trust...

i never thought could be this complicated at very moment.. she cheated with me.. replacing me with a guy that she don’t even know, she just met him only at the pub, grrrr... i wish she acquire HIV.. ohh god.. you may think it's absurd but..i took the pain for almost 3 months in the last time she cheated me... our relationship end up with nothing but lies...

im trying to smile learning more.. im always hurt.. im always left.. i feel so alone..

now, im scared to love again..but who knows? im still young and could find someone better than her..

I guess that i should keep myself busy.. i wanna start a new life without her.

i want to forget my sorrow..and hope things will get better..sooner or later.. cheater! Lier!

my mood: 8.9/10.
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Yesterday, 3:30PM I arrived in my flat, felt tired and dizzy then I slightly drop my body on my bed, to have a rest a bit. while i am in my state of  being tired i fall asleep. I woke up 11:30 PM and she pop ups in my head, she supposed to arrive in her house at this time. 

I am worried and I care about her so I tried to call her right away. But it seems she ignored it, again I tried to call her a hundred times in a different mobile number she had, and I'm disappointed she don't care to answer my phone calls. She doesn't give an effort to text me or to call me back if she's all right... or she's alive... whatever... she don't bother herself to inform me, or even got a chance to let me know what happen to  her, but she doesn't care. she doesn't care  about my feelings...  she don't love me...

anyway, I cannot do anything about it. i tried to stop her not to commit something not good or something that it might hurt me, but i cant stop her, she did it anyway...damage has been done.

I've loved you all along, i cared for you. I looked forward to being with you forever. I have a lot of dreams for us. It's my first time to be this serious in a relationship, but what have you done? you cheated on me many times...with the person you really don't know, cheap. How could you do that to me.. you broke my heart into pieces. Now don't try to fix me..I'll be in ashes... i dont know where to place myself now... lier!

and i am depressed and i cried all day.

my mood: 7.6/10.

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