too tired

Today, afternoon, I came home from basketball. I was really tired, very tired. i played 3 sets, wheeew... i want to rest in my couch and sleep. gotta clean my room later. FBL

Today, morning, i get up early, have a bath, packed my shoes and uniform, gettin' ready to play basketball... gotta go now...tryin' to catch my coach... FBL

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no fuckin lunch

17.01.11

Lunch time. Im not in the mood to eat lunch. I ddnt try to ask my driver to buy my lunch i dont care about myself anymore. I want to feel the pain. I want to hurt myself. Why me? Why she choose me to suffer? Why me?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

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HIV

Whew!!! i know It's been a long time since i wrote a blog about my life as day leaps another day..

So now, im back. but where would i start? I guess i made it already CHEATER and as i am writing this blog.. im sitting here on my bed.. listening to the song that i made and i upload it in youtube and of course it fits my current life..

thinking of what else of to do next... kinda lonely.. remembering the girl i used to love so truly and cheated me a several times before it's already over..the girl who gave me reason to be careful of my heart next time... the girl who wasted my love and trust...

i never thought could be this complicated at very moment.. she cheated with me.. replacing me with a guy that she don’t even know, she just met him only at the pub, grrrr... i wish she acquire HIV.. ohh god.. you may think it's absurd but..i took the pain for almost 3 months in the last time she cheated me... our relationship end up with nothing but lies...

im trying to smile now..im learning more.. im always hurt.. im always left.. i feel so alone..

now, im scared to love again..but who knows? im still young and could find someone better than her..

I guess that i should keep myself busy.. i wanna start a new life without her.

i want to forget my sorrow..and hope things will get better..sooner or later.. cheater! Lier!

my mood: 8.9/10.

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The beauty of love

day 110 - Sunday Scribblings #190 - Beauty

"Is there anything more beautiful than love?! “ the beauty of love is the greatest gift from supreme being, so If you are in love or something you feel love from your family and friends, just shout it out at my comments box “ I love you”, or if you just want to make me smile then you write 'Love You'.

well, for me it's a simple word with so many meanings. The beauty of Love can be tragic, happy, and sad. it is imperfect in some ways. but it is perfect for a person who knows how to love unconditionally and irrevocably.

I am just a normal individual person spreading the beauty of love, because i feel sometimes unloved and i want to see how many people love me back.

My mood: 2.9/10

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handwriting

Day 106 – Re post

Dearest xxxxxxxxx,

I am laughing, coz you can’t read my handwriting. I’m ashamed for the first letter as I sent to you, its embarrassing. anyway I can do it in my computer but I insist, i want to do it with my own bear hands so you may think that I have done it with my whole hearted sympathy.

However, today is 25 October 2009 as I sit right here, thinking of you, and how you make my heart beat and how I am in love with you. I could never have thought that I would feel this way. You know all too well how surprising this is, I just love you so much. I don't know how it happened, and frankly I don't even care what it will caused me, I just want to love you and to be love by you. I'll love you forever and never leave you. You'll be in my arms again, I promise you.

This may start sounding like a poem, I know you will say it that… I don't know, but I will say it again and again; wow, perhaps it must be the rhythm of my heart that's calling your name. I just wanted to tell you, that you are my heart and my every thought I desire.

I love you with everything I have and you are mean more to me than this bright world. I miss you so much. You're probably sleeping now or you are at work at the moment, I will be glad if you feel happy if this my tiny letter will greet you. because In this little letter I'm pouring my heart how you mean the world to me…..and to be faithful and never leave you for the rest of my life.

I love you my angel. I'll hold you forever. you're the heart I treasure.

Love always
Wolverine

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i hate myself

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barrier

Day 103

It seems that I am facing in a wall now, I don’t know how to say it but I felt a barrier, I felt a gap for myself, it seems like a hard wall on my face that blocked me. I don’t know where to place my ass because honestly, i don’t want to stop what I regularly do, I am happy with it. I love the way it used to be but anyway I don’t want that only me would feel the happiness of course they are deserved to be happy too. I let them free. Although I know I am worried a lot, it’s my mistake, perhaps I’ve got reason.

by the way, I'm sorry if someone understood it in a wrong way, but perhaps it just me, I know it’s my mistake now, I will deal with it and I am sorry, very very sorry. Just give me a time to cut it slowly. damn it, hate it! but I will do it. I want them to be happy, life is too short to be unhappy.

and it seems Life has been a whole lot better for me lately, it’s almost a month that I am okay, Once I got out, I felt so much better. i Was tired of wondering what could be creeping around in the corners but, honestly, there is nothing there, lol. Sometimes you just have to wonder about being a paranoid crappy dumb ass. I think I am too paranoid.

I do tend to be paranoid, I always have. But, when you get to be an old man sometimes experiences in life make you that way. It's great to breathe a sigh of relief, lol.

It's warm, sunny and beautiful today.

just let the life flow, Life, it's great. God is great.

I have felt so much better, I have. It is amazing, lol.

my mood: 4.5/10.

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lets have a walk

Day 102 – part 2

I walked three rounds tonight in downtown, because I need to see something new in my eyes for a change, or I need to free my mind by walking on the street, feel the cold night air or something that if I am back into my room I am pretty tired and ready to lie down for a sleep and not to think much for something I know it will put me down forever. well, life goes on in the rough road, and it’s my fate, indeed... Yeah.. i have it, since then.

I still believe that life will not stop to move forward. Life is short to be unhappy. I am happy anyway, If you asked me… I walked with God and I prayed every day… (damn…, I am whining again…), I am old enough, I am tired, I’ve got my plans ahead, and I will not against the will of my father in heaven whatever he wants me to be I will stand, and i will walk on his own will and that is one thing I know for sure. I am happy, very very happy. If fuck things happen on the way, it’s okay. Life goes on in a certain way, each either rough or smooth. we can't avoid it..... just learn from your experience, perhaps you will gain a lesser pain.

however, let's go back to the mainstream, I am still in the process of doing something good, though that I should better go out there and explore the world by walking, doing exercise and by moving my body in healthy ways that help myself lose the pounds I earned, and I am very concerned about my body weight… ah, yeah, aside from that I need to feel the freedom on the outside world. And also you know like somewhat kinda losing the pounds if you walk three to four times in a row on the square type downtown, it’s not really a hard thing to do.

Walking is something I can do that I am free to be me and not worry what people think. You don't have to be a certain age, or color, or gender, or pretend, or anything, you don't have to be or say anything but what is you. You can speak your mind, or exert your feelings by walking, if your sad, walk. If your mad, walk, If your frustrated, walk.

So, I thought to share this passion of mine, a passion for God and a passion of walking.

My mood: 3.2/10

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a few things in my mind

Day 98

Well, my days was good but there were just had a few things in my mind that should be clear out. sometimes I just don't know what to do. Sometimes i got confused if the pain hurts me inside of my heart and soul specially my spirit but anyway i am thankful to have Marivic the woman stood next to me and i am trying so hard not to think about something bad and just move on with my life with her, because I just want to love her for the rest of my life. I really need to say, I am delight, and i am very happy most of the day that I am spending time with her talking of over the phone.

I'm so happy that she overwhelmed my life, I am so happy we comfort each other at rough times. and we always talked about if something there were having misunderstanding was going on with us, and i never let the day pass without resolving the issues, in the sense that if ever we felt something were in the bad mood?! i should sit and talk to her. and i know that once get things better it will be getting better and better. and i should always remind the good things when we have been together and not the bad things, of course. bad things will ruin your world.

trust me if you don't have the support on the relationship it will never make it through. i am glad that she’s back to me and help me because she knows that i am trying to get through this and it's getting really hard at times if I felt worried and scared. It makes me weak and sad. My emotions are up and down but I going to fix it myself and i am physically trying to put myself back again because that is the right thing to do. I keep praying to god to help me deal with this in the way that she knows that i need the help but she’s working on it.

Actually, There are days where i go without sleep because i am scared that i am going to lose her and my emotions is freaking out. But i am greatful she never lost patience to me. I love her to be in my life because sometimes i just don't understand most of the things going on in my life, i am not perfect, I'm human that can feel the pain and suffer. anyway i just know that in my heart and soul and things are going to be alright i have faith in god and how he works and i am trying to live my life on god’s way.

I need to think the good times we shared, and i am happy that she's not in pain anymore and i just want things to be okay and i am just trying to forget the negative things and be brave because that’s the things she would wanted me to be.

i am feeling her love inside my body, my mind, my soul and in my spirit and it's a good feeling to see her again. next time wearing her long tail wedding gown, walking to the isles.

my mood: 1.3/10

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lost in thought

Day 96

Another slice of the day has gone out, and I am hoping to complete all the week without feeling sad and low. am OK, I'm still doing good and I've been alone most of the day in my quite room.

then every night I go to sleep with all these things on my mind.. confused... Am I the one? will she get tired of me and move on? Does she mean what she says? Anyway, these are not doubts, but questions that seem to cross my mind every time I am lost in thought at night. I am still doing the right thing, I am still moving on my track. Doing pretty good, just waiting for the right days to come even though I know I am moving slow.

You know every night I dreamt of living that happy life..., Not having to worry about what she’s doing, not having to worry about our plans, not having to worry about my appearance and what other people would think of me, but this dream ends when I wake up and have to face reality… reality it’s always scares me… I don’t know why life so difficult? Acceptance? Nobody told me life was not easy? I gotta lot of of question to ask, but it seems no one to have the answer? and these thoughts I think, no one seems to understand.

My mood 2.9/10.

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I won't say it

Day 95

Saturday, first day of the new week, I hope I got a lot of good days ahead. I’m okay, I am not feeling bad or something. Yah……., well….., you know, just the mood thing……., nothing serious, but It’s okay, I am fine. It will disappear in time.

Anyway, I just won't say it out loud. I can't say the words either because It would make me weak and low all day. I can't tell to anybody. Nobody but to my blog diary, of course it can't stay inside of me, not completely...(deep breath... )

So, I'll tell you.

I'm sad. Yes, I said it. I am sad and I wonder if I have reason to be at all.

I don't feel good enough. I feel like a failure. Like I'm worthless. Like no matter how hard I try, it's not enough. I don't know. I just don't know. Perhaps it just happen. i don’t want to say anything. perhaps, am.... am... not in the mood to write today, my thoughts won’t work. I hope I will be okay before the end of the day.

My mood:3.9/10.

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feel hella good!

Day 93

I usually have blogs every day, I don’t want to leave the day without filling up my blog site countdown empty, i love to see my own countdown running up daily, It’s necessary for me to update it... Anyway, today was just a good day, so of course I have to share it with all of you. Perhaps, It might not be the most exciting day in my entire life but it was a good day.

Today..... I am surprisingly cool. Normally I would be worrying something about her when I woke up, but today I didn’t. my spirit was cool, I think my spirit is lifted up. And my spirit was happy to know that, today is the monthly anniversary for both of us. since last night she don’t remember it, I always mention it in the YM while were having a chat but she doesn’t remember it. i hope she will be hella surprise when she reads my blog for her today..

God knows I just feel like an ominous weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and it feels good. I don’t know, it could be that I got leaser threat on my depression right now or perhaps I am healed on my own adjustment to myself, or perhaps I just leave it all to my God the father. Or maybe I already accepted the reality that has been already forgotten and it is over now. "Gods is great" thats her qoute in her Friendster shoutout profile for last three months. i am freshly still remembered that qoute.

I’ve got two weeks in a row that’s making me feel hella good, or maybe it might just be that I had my playlist bumpin in my head all day. You know?! my ipod music, kinda praise and worship songs on the list. Isnt that wierd? Its good. Feeling better. When you’re really happy , sometimes you forget what your even happy about, but continuously reminded every second.

Well...I guess its not that weird. But its unusual to me. it looked pretty weird. Maybe I felt tired to think of those bad thoughts pops up on my mind, I don’t want to feel it again the depression, that consist of nervousness, insomnia, headaches, migraines, nervous breakdowns, and drowsiness, panic attack, bipolar. And I have all of the above. That probably explains why I'm so crazy. LOL But it’s interesting isnt it?

Happy Monthly Anniversary – Married in spirit

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My mood: 1.0/10 – I am happy. My mood was in a great level. It means I am pretty well okay.

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High dive adventure

day 90 - part 4 - sunday scribblings #187 - Adventure

The huge sound of the passenger ship horn echoed at the port of pier dos. the yell of my fellow kids flew in the cool morning air as we walked at the back of the ship and we climbed up and up. Then, halfway up the ladder, with my heart pulse hammering so hard I thought they could hear it, I stopped, I was afraid to keep climbing.

"high dive adventure!" they shouted.... and they jumped one by one, laughing, yelling, enjoying the cold morning. They are not afraid because they are always doing it, but for me it was my second time to jump. I don’t know why but I felt wasn’t good on that time. I wanted to go back down, but of course I couldn’t. I don’t want them to laughed at me and bullied me I wouldn’t jumped, we are all braved. I’m the last one to jump. so, instead I stood there shivering, thinking of how unbelievably stupid I was to come with them I wasn’t supposed to be with them.

We’re are supposed to come in the class. but the weather suddenly changed, I don’t know who was having that Idea and perhaps we are all kids bullying. then they had started to talk about was going to swim at the port. then, we were looking forward to spending our time to swim. I know it was a bad idea.

then, it was my time to jump. The kids was challenged me to jump from the high dive and they started to swim at the next port, it was Pier kuatro (Super Ferry). The next thing I knew, I was standing in line, catching my breath and my prayer.

I just look at them, thinking, I don’t have to try to do this at this very right moment. All I have to do is walk off the board and I’ll be dead! The ground was too far away- and spinning.

“come on! Hurry up!” the kids was screaming. they are moving ahead at the next port, I left alone. I looked down. I continued up, up the steps to death.

“ clank! Clank! Clank!’ all to soon I reached the tiny platform. With my heart pounding faster than ever, I stepped forward, and I closed my eyes, suddenly there was nothing under me. Then with my stomach churning, I began to fall.

Just when I was getting used to falling, “boom!” I hit the water. I could hardly believe what was happening, I catch my breath deep in the water, I rose up and floating. I am okay, I am still alive, thought, that I am crazy to jumped on that height of the passenger ship, I almost lost my consciousness. I regret, I promised I would never do that again. It’s too high, when I looked back where I jumped.

Next, I followed them and I am at the last and we are at the middle of both ports. I saw the coast guard was moving on our direction, kids easily get panic, “were dead! Were dead! Were dead! The propeller will gonna crash us into pieces” they’re shouting like shit. stupid kids! they got panic, they swim so fast and I left behind. Then I was awfully panic too, I don’t know what to do, i just thought to save my life first and I’d swim as fast as I could to reach them.

I could nearly reach them, but sudenly I felt my right legs was cramping harder it’s really pain, and cannot moved my legs, I felt my arms and body was tired my left legs was began to cramps too, and now my both legs was in pain. And I cannot moved both. i started to sink slowly, I swallow a lot of water. I am hopeless, I thought it was my last day. i am drowning and i saw them watching me.

finally, thougth, "would i ever make it home it to see my mom and dad again?" i murmured..., "please tell to my mom and dad that i love them so much." i prayed.... deep down in the water, waiting for my end. then, suddenlly someone grab my hair and pulled me up. God is great. i am still alive. thats why i am afraid to swim.

it was a good high dive adventure.

my mood: 1.3/10

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sulat

day 90 - part 3

mahal kong Maria,

Mahal na mahal po kita. Handang handa akong ma kasal sayo sa susunod na taon. Hindi ko kayang mabuhay ng wala ka. ang pag ibig ko sayo ay higit pa sa buhay ko at naka handa akong mag tiis alang alang sa pag ibig na darama ng aking puso. at para maisikatuparan ang mga pangarap kong makasal sa taong lubos kong minahal ng taos sa aking puso.

Sa hirap at sa ginhawa akoy iyong ma kakasama. Masama man o mabuti ako ang iyong kasama. tayo ay Kasal sa pusot, isipan at sa ispiritu. tayo ay pinag buklod na ng diyos dahil sa pag ibig nya sa ating dalawa at wala ng makakapag hiwalay sa atin liban lang din sa kanya. Ang pag ibig ng diyos ang tunay na dakila at dahil dito ako ay nag papasalamat sa kanyang kabutihan. At gayun din naman sayo mahal kong asawa ako ay lubos na nag papasalamat at rumi-respeto sa pag ibig mo na-iniuukol mo sakin. Sa ngalan ng Diyos Ama at ng anak na si Cristo Jesus at ng Espiritu Santo matutupad ang mga pangarap nating makasal na matagal na nating minimithi.

ako ay taos pusong nag papa-salamat, sa mahal kong asawa na dahil dito ang kasiyahang idinudulot mo sa buhay ko ay hindi kayang mapantayan ng sinuman. Ang saya na bumabalot sa puso ko ay ibinabalik ko ng labis-labis na respeto at pasasalamat, at pag mamahal sa iyo.

lubos na gumagalang at nagmamahal,
wolverine

my mood: 1.0/10

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Self confidence?

Day 90 – part 2

Gosh… Well today wasn't any different than yesterday but I am good, pretty good and I am still happy at the moment. I know the way of life in my reality in daily basis. Now, I'm positive I'm not the only one that feels this way. I find myself thinking a lot lately and I hate being felling low all the time. I'm tired, I leave it all to my highness.

I didn’t changed I am still the same man simply handsome, well me anyway. I can sum up me in very few words. charming and very nice. Those things I should repeated over and over again so it will uplift my spirit everytime, just learning to stay positive. I'm now growing older, but not old enough to learn more new things in life. Life is too short, I should live happy. I don’t want to deserve this to be unhappy, that I've become for past few months. I talk but none hears me half the time because it takes so freaking long to get a sentence out of my useless mouth, but now not anymore. I should have my Self confidence? Yeah right!.

My mood: 1.5/10

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