feel like giving up

I have tried so many times and all my calls have been rejected. Then suddenly all those things that made me sad flashed back, I cried over and over again in my room..my chest was painful...my tears streamed down endlessly, nobody knew that i did...

my bad dreams had waken me up from my sleep and it was in the middle of the night...who cares. she doesn’t care whether i go to work tomorrow or not, nobody cares....nothing matters in my life.....and I meant it...I hate myself to love deeply..I hate myself to trust easily...

i hate myself not to be able to move on..i hate myself because I gave my heart to a woman that I don’t know if she really do love me. and at the end of the day, she will leave me ...acted as if nothing has happened...left me alone to carry all burdens....I just hate myself...

This blog is my true feelings...I tried not to share with anyone anymore..sometimes when we share our most true feelings, we would have different reactions....that is why most of us are afraid to share our honest feelings........

I dunno what people would feel about me, i just try to be true to myself....I know people would think I’m stupid or weak..but there are times - many times when i think about suicide e.g. slit my wrist...the temptation is getting bigger and bigger recently especially when this thought came again, brought back all those things that made me sad...that made me lose my breath away and cried endlessly...but i didn’t come to terms with committing suicide like hanging my neck at the ceiling, jump out of 13th story building, or put a gun on my head, Gross!!! I don’t want people see my brains out and scatter all over the place, its horrible..

Every time I think about suicide , I see my parents' faces....my family..my friends..all those people who love me...I feel guilty especially when i think of God’s grace to me..

i know nobody will read this but eventhou you didnt know what really happened, why i am so upset and sad..why i cry almost every night and think bout it.....i cant tell you but i wish , you can understand me....

My Mood: 4.3/10