it's me, and it's me

day 162

Today, saturday, My family don’t know I have a diary blog post of my own, except If certain people found out I was writing this... if they can read my rants they don’t know that it came to me. so probably be the same to my friends closest friends and friends, other would deny that it came from me and at the outside world I am usually well, all my life I have been the happy go lucky smile on my face child like. it seems I don’t know anything in this world, it was my character when I was in the Philippines, I’m childish that’s what they said. I never went through an awkward "hate the world" teenage angsty phase. And you know what? I LIKED that about me. I mean, why would anyone WANT misery?

BUT...lately, i'm loosing that quality. I don't know why!... Well, maybe I do, I'm just not ready to admit it. I have a job, thankful for having a job, pay is good, hours a good, so why am I not happy with it? Why is there a sense of the "why am I here" in it? anyway now, I’ve got a boring life, I never dreamt about this since I was a child. Now this life is so boring, I don’t love it. So, hmmm, not bad, but just boring, really boring. I’m not a married man yet, soon perhaps I am. Now I don’t know who loves me so much. I do love her very much, if you ask me, I am.

however, a little frustrated with my year right now. And, I hate that feeling. I wish she could just figure out that something is bothering me and she could do something about it, she knows what it was. Yeah! Wouldn't that be nice, i know, its quite complicated? But it's not a perfect world, everybody knows it, right.

Please don't let me think that this is the root of my problem, because ultimately it's me! and my best friend told me, that I should rather stop what was my thought all about because I couldn’t do something about it. its frustrating, it's not in my hand anymore and it requires somebody to finish it, im just creating my own problem. it's me, and it's me.

My mother taught me that I will make own life. It's happy if you believe it to be, and it's bad if you make it miserable. Positive thinking ruled my head the majority of my life to say the least. I'm an avid believer and pusher of it. Now there is this creeping sensation of....it can only get it so far.

Maybe sometimes, no matter how you want to wish yourself or believe yourself to be happy with what is NOW, it gives way, the bridge sways, oh how it sways!

i dont know anyway...

my mood: 3.5/10.