why my time wasted?

Day 86 - part 3

Today, I got home late, I had a lot of paper works to finish before I left my work, it’s pretty tiring Thursday. anyway while we were on the road the driver asked to himself. and he was staring at me…

he said, “why my time wasted?”. I tried to reply. but I thought that it's a simple question to answer but when I repeat the question to myself “why my time wasted?”, then i said. " you should answer your own question, i don't know your timeline."

anyway, it’s a tough question to answer.” I murmured to myself. Then I paused, and I didn't replied back. I was not supposed to think because I felt stressed, tired and I need a quick sleep.

However, I really accept that my life have been wasted too. I spend most of my life staring into space, wondering how this pain in my heart will ever be erased for so many years. I want to believe this is going to get better soon, I long to feel that this won’t last forever. right now I feel like a waste of space too, or perhaps I just depressed in a couple of days. Like I'm stealing oxygen because my life is a waste. No one cares what happens to me, I live alone since I was a kid, I have been in the school without the parents guidance since my first grade till I got into college. But why would they let me? What do I expect people to be?

Perhaps it just my fate to live like this in this cruel world, perhaps the people I love will never put me first to be their priority. My friends call when they need me but don't return the favor. But knowing all this doesn't make me feel braver. knowledge is power, at least that's what they say, I tried to be smart to live in the street were people knows only to kill their self on cutting, suicidal and got involved on drugs, and to kill innocent people when they are high with spirit of drugs.

But having the knowledge doesn't make the pain fade away. I could keep on listing as the tears begin to fall, when I clearly visualizing my past with those people I know they will not do good things. The fact of the matter is I've finally hit that wall, I accept. The wall when you know you can't stand the pain. I'm walked over and shit on but who can I really blame? I can never stop being me, don't think I'm that bad, If people could only see that all I am is sad. Sad that no one actually seems to care how I feel.

Feel like I'm almost invisible, hardly even feel the real pain. Who can love me if I am messed up inside? who will care for me if i am living in a foreign land, now I'm always going to be alone, just me and my mind. My mind which causes me to relive all my pain, Like one bad film that can't stop being replayed. So I sit here and stare off into dark space, Getting used to being alone, because that's never going to change!

“Hey! Man! You slept well! You’re snoring! Hahahaha!” he laughs..

“we’re in front of your apartment…” he said.

“I'm just pretty tired” I replied. Then I got out, stand to the side window of the car and lean my arms at the window to have a fast reply.

“ what about your time? it was wasted too..?” he asked…

” tomorrow I will give you the answer”.. i said,

Then he leave.

I am standing there at the street watching the car disappeared. it was a glimpse of my past taken over my thoughts in dreams.

My mood: 2.0/10.