Junk letter

Day 75 - part 2 - Sunday Scribblings - #185 - Junk

I have deleted some of my junk letters as well as my journal because it was on the month of June during the world fell upon my shoulder and I carried the heavy loads till now. my life was torn apart upside down. I deleted a lot of stuff that really doesn't need to be read again. it will kill me. I felt, I have been trashed on the scrappy junk yard of lying dead people, I was stunned and hurt during that month.

However, it’s okay and I understood, I have been mad and being selfish, numb, lonely and sad, confused and worried....... yeah, that is my pretty hard boring life that I've been for that month and that's pretty much the gist.

Now (sigh....), I'd worked things out for my own good, because she said she loves me, she like me to be in her lives and she will spend much time to me and she will phone me as much as she could, and certainly the best things that I am expecting to her was the love she felt should be honest and trustworthy. Okay, that makes sense. But as long as I am here in Saudi Arabia it seems that my work is holding back our plans at the moment. it seems that I am living at the junk place next to me.

sometimes even in a decent conversation it always ended up at the wrong topics that reminds my mind, my heart, my soul and my spirit to wept painful. then, I figured that I’m still living in the past and my depression overwhelmed right over me ... I don't know what to do. I don't want the things to be like these every day. it's very awkward. i always felt so down and depressed and I can't continue with myself for being like these. my hearts are tearing me apart all the time. I have no idea why it was always coming back to me. It feels like my depression was pushing me away from her.

sometimes I felt that I should better off with her, just to think that I’m not completely a junk, or perhaps I’m not an asshole. I don't want to think that she let me down and ended up nothing. Anyway she promised me she will not hurt me, she will love me for all that I am.

If she leaves me now I'm guaranteed to get hurt. but i know one hundred percent sure that if I will stay with her closed then It might end up refilling my empty hearts. I think I'll stay. I know I am still sure I will found my complete happiness with her, anyway were married in spirit.

I love her so much.

I hope this is not a junked letter anymore.

good night.

my mood: 1.5/10.