forgotten blogged

tonight, i remember that i had a blogs. i totally forgot when i tried to move on and promise to myself that i wont write my hurt aches again, I guess it works. 

well, now it seems so foreign to me?! since i've not used this in a long long time! And I am already here so just dropping a few lines. i hope i could write again about some of my recent activities. I don’t know why but im just being too lazy to write some thoughts. i do occasionally write some post here, and i've posting blogged much in the past year or so. 

Now kinda not sure whether i will continue to post here;

for now, i'm going to read over some of my older posts.

mood 5.5

installing blogger droid

i installed blogger droid in my android phone, whatever i may go or whatever i may do i can write my thoughts. see yah!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Press refresh

I finally admitted to myself that I am not the one she loved. i feel the pain and it happened so fast. Anyway, I feel tired… I feel that I have been cheated…  and stubbed with a sharpest knife right through my chest… and let the blood pour forever… losing my breath slowly… made them happy…

i quit my job, I fired myself, I don’t want to see myself again… helpless… depressed… loser…  it’s too painful and nobody could understand it… however, finalize today I ended my lease with my current housemates, and have started packing my belongings, Time to move. Time to move at the end of the month... Never did I think i'd have the courage to just start over again somewhere new in the drop of a hat, but I am. Life wasn't working, I hated it, never got to have a real relationships with my friends/girlfriend. I am not enough… she didn’t give me a chance to choose her… to live with her… to marry her… I guess it’s too late….i am not meant for her…

I need to move on… Taking this time to start being happy, stop everything… i need a straight life… I should know how to appreciate what I have in the present.

Oh God this is life…. this is how my life would be, please show me another way, that there is still an opportunity and life is worth living. 3 1/2 more days then im going, moving my stuff last day of may.

starts today I need a fresh start. Delete the past and start moving forward… press refresh…

my mood: 8.9/10

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anyone but me

i wanna be with you forever. i wanna hold you in my arms forever, kiss you everynight before you sleep until the sun rises. i wanna know that when i wake you will still be mine, that you wont love anyone but me.

too tired

Today, afternoon, I came home from basketball. I was really tired, very tired. i played 3 sets, wheeew... i want to rest in my couch and sleep. gotta clean my room later. FBL

Today, morning, i get up early, have a bath, packed my shoes and uniform, gettin' ready to play basketball... gotta go now...tryin' to catch my coach... FBL

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facebook life

Today, at work, i chatted all day, i got tired and i started to fell asleep and lost track of time. Damn, I forgot to finish my daily report for tomorrow.

tonight, at fb, i was suprised when i visit my fb account, i found out that i have wall post that i know i didnt made. btw thank you for doin the effort for me. FBL(facebooklife).

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earthquake 8.9 & tsunami hit japan, woman scared

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earthquake 8.9 & tsunami hit japan on march 11, 2011-part 2

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Valentine's Day Card

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one i love

 

 

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with love -

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I am hopeless

I am hopeless. I always told that to my myself. i used to blame myself always. I don’t know when is my chance. I promised that I would keep my chin up, stay positive, and be patient. Enough of patience. Enough of promises. I’m fed up in everything I fed up with this place. Its dirty, its gross, I don’t have effort to clean my place, I felt that I don’t have home, I can’t clean up my own mess, I don’t have self motivation with myself I losing hope. I am hopeless. I stand out small in the sea of many people.

Its been a long time I didn’t write my rants. I thought that if I write my complains I would feel better but in time I have been more emotional and sensitive. i never stop thinking. I never stop complaining. I can’t stop myself to feel hopeless. I can’t stay positive. I don’t know when this will be over.

I m a funkin mess. Liar, liar, liar.

My mood: 3.5/10.

feelin better

20.01.11

The photos was taken a few days back. I took it when i was feelin better. So ive memories to look back. a gift sealed with a kiss to my lovable bella. damn i hate myself. corny....urgh signing off..

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good mood

it was a good day today. My mood is okay. Evrything works fine. Evrything looks good. Evrything goes well. Shes happy. Im happy too. I came back to here.

Because thats my heart says. If i try to leave her it seems i die slowly and its very painful. Now im afraid becaus im an option. I want to forget evrything. I Dont want it to remembr all that desasters last few weeks. It upsets me. I want to live hapy. i need Freedom.

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no fuckin lunch

17.01.11

Lunch time. Im not in the mood to eat lunch. I ddnt try to ask my driver to buy my lunch i dont care about myself anymore. I want to feel the pain. I want to hurt myself. Why me? Why she choose me to suffer? Why me?

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ive done nothing

17.01.11

This is my stupid face after the long fuckin night convrsation. I slept late. I cant get over it.

I cant believe shes chatting with another guy that she found in the chatango chatrom and they moved to yaho mesenger then they see each others face to face video calls.

I felt my heart squezing, its tearing me apart and i cried for it and she had seen my eyes wept between her eyes. She doesnt feel my burden inside. She didnt feel my heartaches. My heart broken into pieces, shes stubing me on my back no mercy.

By the way, Shes not finish yet with her one night stand mate that she dated december 16 2010, i dont know whats hapendto them. I dont know what there setup. she ignored me in that topic.

I am very sad and low, im not feeling beter, i wil not gona feel better til im stil staying here in saudi arabia. I luv my work and am hapy with it. But the problem is i always felin fuckin homesick. I felt so much hate with myself bcoz i cant do anything, its seems that i just let it happened, and i didnt make any moves to stog it. Im a shame to myself. Ive done nothing. Whay me.?

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not in the mood all day

16.01.11

4:57pm Time to go now, time to go to my silent room. While waiting for other people to come, i still kept thinkin about the past.

I stand next to the car, starting to write this lit thought that not so quite important. The weather is cold i feel the air touched my skin, like my life, so sad and boring, and no love and no place to go, no plans ahead.

Life is cold, my head is heavy. I cant avoid to think. Im stil depresd, Not in the mood all day. My world is geting smaller.

My friend called me on my mobile inviting me to play basketball. I havent play basketbal since last year oct 2010, i didnt think twice, i agreed to play for a change so i could not think about her.

ill not play full strength. Just an excercise. Need to fit my body a bit. Anyway i hav no words to say. Im signing off.

My mood: 7.5/10.

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i still cant believe it

01.15.11

Sleepless night, this is the only one of those days that i was thinking over and over again that she cheated me on Dec 16. 2010. I'm still living on the past. It happens again. I cant believe it that shes done it to me again.

I thought she was changed by the mercy and grace of god. But i don't know how could it happen. Theirs a lot of questions in my mind. And haven't answered yet.

Is she really luv me? Why does shes keep on cheating me. Why She cheat me all the time. I know shes afraid to tel me and tell me the truth. Because if she admit that shes having an affair to David that's the end of it. No regret. Its all over.

BTW, thanks to android i can blog through mobile.

My mood:4.5/10.

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No mo meaning

This is the first blog for 2011. don't know where to start. No mo meaning to write a blog for a while rigth now, i don’t have any idea where to begin. There's so much on my mind, I want to get lose all of it. so much has happened last year, lots of mistake has been done, lots of tears falls down. now it's written on the past. it just overwhelmed in my head. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being a fuckin' slave to the thoughts that I always keep in my head. The depression, the insecurities, they hold me back from being me. I just want it to stop. Stop to think negatives thoughts.

I want to be happy, once in a while, I cant get through it. My relationship with her I don’t know what it seems, i dont know which place i belong in her heart. It has been really hard on me lately. Just because i've been letting my thoughts run wild and getting worse and worse. I need someone to talk to. I need a friend. I don't have any, not even one, only her. Don't get me wrong I'm glad I have her, I wouldn't give her up for the world, she's my everything, although she was cheating on me. I hate her. but I do still love her, I know it is insane, but someday I know I can handle to stop it. i can get over it. perhaps at the moment I cant find someone much more likely better than her.

My mood: 6.5/10.