I didn’t get her Idea

day 296

I don’t know what my best friend up to..?! I didn’t get her Idea.. she don’t want me.... but she was still keep calling me, email.. leave message on facebook and chatting on YM… she doesn’t say anything good but only hatred… she just want to voice out her feelings with me.. because I cheated her… and i know.. she's in pain.... she cant accept the thing that i've cheated her.. i have my reasons and she doesnt understand it..... but i trully love her... she's the one for me... i already give up my girlfriend and i want her to stay with me...

anyway, I said sorry….. and she said…. She already forgive me but the cut leaves a mark… that’s why she don’t want to stop talking.. arguing with me till she don’t felt satisfy with my answers.. she’s freakin me out… everyday… I feel sad and down she wasn’t forgive me yet…. She cant accept it….

my mood: 6.5/10.

i’ve been cheating

day 295

Every day I'm trying to do my best to jot down the thoughts that flows daily.... but sometimes i cant… I don't even know where to start. I haven't been writing at all much lately. i don't know why I cant write much.. I'm down… and pretty sad for what was happening to me in the past few days.

she’s leaving me… and I felt there is no turning back… she hated me so much… I know it was my fault…. I cheated them… and I accepted it.. and they cant forgive me… and I'm losing them both… now I'm not cleaning my room its totally mess up... life my life its totallly mess up.. Everything is not well organized. i just don't care anymore. it took me weeks to see my bedroom floor because what's the point right?

I cant believe that though it was only online relationship you will fall in love as well I never knew that… I'm deeply inlove with her but the problem is she just came late… I had a girl friend before she exist… but what the hell am I doing.. why i entertained her…. I should not let her step in into my life… and now I fall in love with her and she's my best friend… and I want to spend my days with her….

Its too hard to accept that both girls they know already… my best friend and my girlfriend they know that i’ve been cheating them…

my mood: 7.5/10

it just disappeared

day 294

I have something so desperately? well i do!! something that i used to be, something like to be loved... but then just a click of time it just disappeared right into my eyes...

I've been thinking, what have i done wrong? then i figured out the answer..i didn’t know that it will come to an end that's why i didn’t take good care of it...but then i realize that iv'e been too care free and sometimes took advantage of it...

now that i've lost it, i don't go out like i used to. ive been avoiding my friends, i lost my confidence.

but then i'm still praying to God to give me another chance to have it again...and i promise to take good care of it like my life would depend on it!!!

my mood: 6.7/10.

running a fever

day 293

I go to work today... i woke up running a fever and a splitting headache.. while I'm at the office I cant work properly... i want to go back to sleep, but I cant....yet I wish I didn’t came to work today…. It's to think that love is really depressing ... I cant clean my room now a days.. I'm not eating properly... I feel that I'm going to die… i want to lock myself at the closet… forever... so nobody could see me down..

I feel alone… my blogs cant help… I'm just writing all my rants and my depressing thoughts it doesn’t help….. I need to talk to for someone… but I guess there’s nobody wants to talk to me… i didnt remember when the last time i've been happy... im feel sick and nobody's around me... i want to go home.. to where i live..im just wasting my time here.. nobody cares...

my mood: 5.6/10.

She doesn’t really love me

Day 292

I don’t know why I don’t have a great day... heavy hearts, heavy feelings.. depressed.. love wasn’t good at me… it so hard for me to have it… I don’t have any luck at it… God it was so depressing..., I felt that I'm goin crazy.

i had a bad conversation with her always…. me and I has always had a bad arguments I thinking it we cant get through all of these…. Fuck…. She’s fucking freak me out… I always see her comments to the other guy…. But even one comment at my wall you will not read it… damn…. I feel shit… I know from the start she just only playin aroung at me she’s not real…. She doesn’t really love me… I'm tired… I give up..

anyway she don’t love me at all.

my mood: 7.8/10.

didn't feel alright

Day 291

it's past midnight again... and yet, again, i still can't sleep... i went to youtube... I watch all of my music I just created… it looks fine... I listened to it, again… again and again..... I want to feel the music that I heard thinking that im there at the very moment…, i was at 2am already when I glance at the clock... I consume all my time just listening for my music videos that i created..... a full day I am sad and feeling alone feeline... besides, i didn't feel alright all the time since… she left me.... she always keep on thinkin about her pain…

but how about me.. !? I feel the pain as well, i'm getting these bouts of headache again... as a matter of fact, im having it now... and some fever... i guess, triggered by stress and emotions... the red light is turned on again... if i ever black out, then i'm gonna have to see the doctor... oh i hate it... it would mean another round of medications once more... i've been out of meds for more than a 8 months now...i hate my depression… i hope it doesn't come back... oh the pain that comes with it... too much... oh please no more needles...

My mood:7.6/10.

one of those days

Day 290

It was another one of those days today. Everything seemed out of place...and everyone figured I was just in a bad mood. I find myself having these days more often. I don't ask for them, they just happen. And I find myself going home, wishing I could take back everything I did that day. But it's not like it's a mystery, I know exactly what causes it all.

Oh but it doesn't really matter does it? I'm sitting here talking to myself. How much lower can I go? I bet someone can find a way to push me further though. They always seem to know all the little things that can tear at my dignity. But they're so oblivious, what with their personal lives and all. They don't realize how hard they step on me. I don't know why I bother anymore. I am talking, but none is listening. I've gotten used to this feeling......being alone......

I guess u become numb to it after a while.

My mood:7.5/10.

love moves in mysterious way

day 289

With a smile

day 288

Friday morning

day 287

Friday morning I woke up early 5:30 am, I'm doing this every Friday just to play my game, basketball… me and my friends always arrived at the gym early because we don’t want to play at the second game.

The gym open at 6:30am and we are already on the front door… waiting for the time to open… I stayed at the gym for almost half of the day…. So it takes a long hours… staying there just playin and do chatting while waiting for the next game… although I am at my leisure time I always thinking about what I was worrying about every time… It never comes into my head that it will happen… I know there is another problem to be consider on her side and thats why we can't get wed this year… and and its not in the list of our plan...

however, because of the custody of her children… she postponed the wedding… I can't do anything about it just to understand her…. and I always kept on thinking about it every day since she started to open up to me….

I feel the sadness for the past few days… and she’s freakin me out....

my mood: 6.7/10.

heavy feeling

day 286

Thursday, I woke up late with a heavy feeling this morning…. I am always worried about all the disappointmen I had inside me, the feeling that I can't let it out…coz everything’s turn out wrong… I felt that my spirit is isn't connected to the rest of my body... it was like having a very bad day, I felt lost and lonely... I hate it when I am feelin like this.

I am not able to sleep well till 2:00 a.m every day... i miss the happiness, I miss the laughing thing when I am with her, I miss everything.

Anyway, i'm still not sleepy yet, i can go online... chat.. surf... anything to be busy... i'm getting so tired of being sad... i wanna start being happy... i know there are a lot of stuffs to be sad and stressful about... but i'm leaving them for some time and concentrate on being happy for a while... i'll just go back to those when i have to..... I just need to put something that I could make myself busy till I close my eyes…. tomorrow is another day...

my mood: 5.5/10.

the month of my birthday

day 285

All I can see is disappointments, I really don’t like the month of may.... the month of my birthday.… everything is a totally crap… i don’t more I could do… I'm losing my will to fight… I don’t know when these will be over… I am not enough or even close, I'm pretty tired, my best is never good enough, there’s nothing I do is right.

Because all I do is disappoint…. Everything is turnout totally failure… I'm losing hope, I know I can't win this fight, So tired of being second option…. I never been good..

my mood: 7.8/10.

horrors of love

day 284

Its absolutely turns out pretty different as i planned i never thought the plans was changed i hate it.... its turn out to be totally different, it turns out totally ugly...

now i dont know where to go.. its Like you never knew where it really end. Now, when you think you're in love with this person then the situation turns ugly. You not only feel betrayed but you're disgusted with your feelings and everything that happened between you was a shame.

You can't help but feel hatred, anger, loneliness. In most cases you can't find the upside to this situation becasue it's not there. i felt that i don't exist. i never been a priority.. 

Now moving on is the tricky thing because the betrayal, the inability to trust is there and the only way for it to go away is to find trustworthiness somewhere else, which in most cases won't happen or takes time to happen.

Life isn't a fairy tale where fairies are magical and the princess and prince charming are total asshole. the real life is a hell hole filled with crapshoots and boobietraps.

there's No love anymore. i know there is another problem will exist... I've been waiting for it for months to let that out, now that I had see it.. i can move on from the horrors of "love", Nothing good has come from it for me. 

6.5/10.

oh Monday

Day 283

The world is not enough… my mind is full of shit… there is nothing seems okay… this Monday.. oh Monday.. on my mind to day so much stuff that I could say it out.. I need to vent it out..

There is so much on image on rushing through my mind i want it to stop i want to cut it out damn I hate myself.... I want to stop everything.. wanna destroy everything... I'm just pretty darn sad… i want everything to just stop all over again..... I can't sleep and i haven’t slept in so long.. i feel like a zombie… a dead man walking… I'm so dead n im soo tired...

but I need to sleep.. i rather need to sleep forever... I need to take mo sleeping pill just to knock down myself..

my mood: 5.5/10.

I can tell you nice things

day 282

I walked at the street to home and while walking my tummy felt hungry i remember that i wasnt eat my lunch yet, then I went to catering for my dinner catching the restaurant before it close for prayer…anyway, just I sat for a minute the waiter asked me and he said “why you are not smiling, you always comes here and you just eat and go?” then I replied to him “I am not that type of person that always smile all the time…but I can tell you nice things…” then he said ”well okay then… enjoy your dinner..” I said ”you’re welcome… alligator.." i whispered... file://yess/.. that was nice reply...

my mood: 4.6/10.

send email in the universe

day 281

There were days I know I'm not quite what I am expected to myself... I always look up at the sky and ask that if I can send email outside the universe… and let my thoughts float in the empty space…

it could be possible in the near future that humans can send email on mars or any other planets that support life..?! I believe life exist in the other planets.. more advance than ours… more intelligent.. than humans…

anyway I really like to send email or to send text messages at the outer space or at the nearest galaxy… can we do that? Perhaps when that happens I know I'm pretty damn dead…starting from today it counts…

it just an idea …

Happy Birthday!

day 280- part 2

happy birthday to myself!. Enjoy? Happy? supposed to be. this is supposed to be my day... everybody may greet me. but if you don't, none of those will matter. this is the saddest birthday i had. How I will make it better? i didnt even buy a fucking cake! nobody even wants to talk to me... they only just greet and leave...

i miss you so much. if you only knew. thank you for this day. I hope it will get better.

my mood: 6.7/10.

i always think too much

day 280

This is me… I guess this is really me… and my problem perhaps is myself, i always think too much. Even I went to my friends just for having fun… I still thinking for some other things… for what next….. I am always worried…

sometimes I was watching DVD movies in my room while I am lying down on my bed, my mind goin farther and i was thinking yesterday and the day before... I wasn’t focusing to what I am watching… then ill click the rewind button and back down. I am still thinking for some other thing… I always getting worried….

There is lots i am thinking about, and i rather not make a huge long list saying everything what i am thinking cause i dont know what the fuck im thinking about. I might know a little but not all of them, im just thinking too much.

my mood: 5.5/10.

to go in some place

Day 279

I try to write something on here daily, but now a days I write less, I always write to cover up my empty blogging days and I save it into my email drafts then when I get home I published but some other times I forgot to post the damn rant thing., I'm pretty lazy....., sucks… I don’t know why the IT blocked my blog site…..i didn’t say bad or offensive words I used or some explicit content thing… anyway.. I don’t care…the good thing is I'm okay, my mood was okay. but I think it will be healthy for me to at least write something and post once a day.

my work is good, I'm not pressure… and I'm doin pretty much okay in here… at the moment…. But I am freakin out for being alone…. I need someone to be with me… now I can accept that I cant live alone…and if there’s an opportunity for me to go in some place and try to find a job there. I'm thinking of taking it. It's got its share of risk involved - I don't know if I'll be able to find a job there - but I'm thinking I'm going to try. If I end up going over there and not finding a job, at least I'll have gotten away from home for a while. It's worth a try, right?

anyway, I am still waiting for something new to come…

My mood: 4.5/10.

end of the day

Day 278

Today, I have lots of deadline to finish, I am busy.. and I love being busy… and I am Just keeping myself busy onto the end of the day I need to forget things out… I'm not good enough… am tired for ranting… I want to keep myself be busy..

Got home lie down and fall asleep in the middle of the day or when i rest awhile… Then back up late night and feeling hungry I forgot to eat my dinner…ever since I’ve been here I never cook, I wasn’t cooking. I just go to the restaurant and order my meal.. that’s it… i took heavy meal..once its either lunch or dinner…. I don’t know If it will affect my health…. I guess I don’t like to eat to. much if I felt full.

then back to my room and checked some emails… cleanin up my inbox…deleting some not important messages… Then went back to sleep.

my mood: 5.5/10.

my dinner

day 277

It was around 10:00 pm, I guess, when I finished I wasn’t tired, though, so I looked out the window for a while. It wasn’t sandstorm any more, but once in a while you could hear a car somewhere passing along the road.

I feel hot. I grab my towel and have some shower to refresh myself. I felt my stomach hungry, I wasn’t eating heavy meal since in the morning, I just ate egg sandwich and milk on my breakfast. I ate burger and fries on the afternoon. I know it was less but my tummy feels full, so there is no reason to eat more while I'm full. So I decided to have my dinner when I felt hungry.

I went to the restaurant and i order some heavy meals for me, i ate steam fish with mayonnaise, and vegetables, one soft drink and water… it seems that my mouth needs to taste the juicy of the steam fish… wow…hmmpp ... taste... delicious... I guess.. I will need more rice....

my mood: 3.5/10.

he couldn't sleep

day 276

Morning, I woke up late again, I quickly went to the bathroom take a less than a minute shower, then headed back to my room and get dress with my company uniform in a hurry. Then I rushed myself down to the parking lot, where the other guys waiting for me, am quite late.

we are on the road...and i was sitting In the backseat and my friend(indian) that next to me started snoring. Grr... it was too loud, I got irritated, I really wanted to slap his mouth so hard till it gets bleed.... since i have my ipod, I take it out in my handbag an started to play some noisy music and increase the volume, just to lessen his loud snorring thing. But suddenly he just dropped his mouth at my shoulder, I got really pissed off Grrr.... enough! is enough! I really want to kick him out at the car.... his really annoying me... my mind went dark..

i woke him up and told him that we are at the check point and need to show up our ID's. When he sat back down for half an hour later he started complaining to himself that he couldn't sleep well. Grrr... i really love to choke him to death.

my mood: 5.0/10.

no ideas to jot down

day 275

I sat here for an hour, I am thinkin what to say on my blogs, its weird, I don’t know what happen to me now a days, I publish my blogs late, and every time, I don’t know what to say or write… I can't think much, my mind are closed, no ideas to jot down.

there was a night i just stared at the text editor for long hours till i got sleep. but no thoughts or words to write down. sometime it irritates me.

my mood:5.5/10.

Just down

day 274

So the last few days I ve been feeling like total crap. Just down, totally tired.... but I always kept my thoughts jot down. I know it will help me things out inside my chest it has helped me to feel better. In my life right now I really dont have any closest friends…. I don’t have everything in here, I live alone. nothing could express my true feelings. Sometimes I just need someone to say all the things I want to hear and not tough love.

I m trying to make changes in my life to help me grow. But I think I failed. I don’t know how to be better me. I work 6 days a week, long hours, I gain nothing just for my food. I know I don’t have any future life ahead in here. I'm tired. but still there is something Is missing for me. anyway writing my rants will help me get it out and feel better instead of just keeping it all in.

my mood: 3.5/10.

keep goin

day 273

I don’t know what to say now… I guess I lost words to say. I must keep on goin, life It just keeps on going, but why I can't keep going, I can't keep this mind of mine under control. In fact I feel like I have so little of me or my life under control that it is scary. I think I am travelling along ok only to find out that this isn't the case at all. maybe again I am failing. This hurts. It hurts so much.

my mood: 3.5/10.

I am still calm

day 272

well today has been a pretty good day except for i am super tired. I washed my clothes, cleanin my room a bit, and have a lil' sleep and i woke up at 6:00pm, then I sat down and do blogging, next I open my draft mail, and took out my unpublished blogs to fill out all my empty days I left.

Tonight, I am still calm and pretty happy, although I have less mails to her, but I hope she’s okay, i hope she was thinking of me too. Anyway, I have a basketball practice tomorrow 6:00am, its been scheduled every friday, every week.

whew! I am starting to be busy for the practice till Tuesday next week. I hope every things will be fine for those time. and yet i need to sleep early so i could feel I can regain my energy in the morning.

good night...

my mood:1.3/10.

she give out happiness

day 271

Wednesday... it’s been a long one at work. the days seem to run on for weeks lately. the day start off slow...not wanting to get out of bed after my obnoxiously loud alarm clock goes off. i eat breakfast egg sandwich and hot coffee, i always eat at work. the coffee is free.

of course the time seems to return to a normal pace when I received emails from her... those are the only times i wish i could slow down and forget the time. just her presence is like a sort of haven, I thought she’s near me. where i don't worry or let the thoughts my life creep into my head(ipis-bugs). she give out happiness wherever she is. i wish i was like that, I could think positive often. Sometimes wishes never come true, but I wish it could be. oh how i wish i knew her better.... the time comes nearer…

it seems i should make a point of knowing her better. I don’t want my face seem like distant strangers to her. her voice I always miss it, I always keep listening at it. i wish i am there closer to her. i wish things would go better. i wish i could sleep through an entire night without waking up screaming into my pillow.

my mood: 2.2/10.

I just want some sleep!

day 270

I've been so incredibly tired lately, tired at work and playing basketball every night, I haven't been staying up any later than usual or waking up any earlier, although i have been waking up at like 2:00am in the morning midnight for some reason. I just want some sleep!!

But anyway.. Tonight I fell asleep, after I read some of my mails, I had a practice tonight same time as usual but I'm pretty tired, i didn’t really need to go. though, i don’t know why i go tonight I guess this is the right time to have a good sleep. By the way I am always come there every night, just for tonight i think its such a waste of time. I need to have a good sleep.

Now im lying on the couch with a blancket cause its so freakin cold!! Wow sorry about the short blog about nothing, i'll try harder next time.

my mood: 3.2/10.

Damn computer!

day 269

Damn computer! It just almost two weeks when I sent my computer at the workshop, now this damned computer has another fuckin virus, i think, its always shittin Me!! I'm gone mad! I was so happy when just came back at work until my whole system is starting to shut down! Damn virus. i guess this is gonna be a long time reinstalling if i cant fix this on my anti virus software.. I hope this is not HIV virus. Grrr.. I can't live without computer and internet…

my mood: 5.5/10

still sticking up into my dreams

day 268

The cloudy day woke me up. I lay with my arms across my eyes, groggy and dazed. Something, a dream trying to be remembered, struggled to break into my consciousness. I moaned and rolled on my side, hoping more sleep would come and then the previous day flooded back into my awareness. I don’t want to remembered those last few days fight, it still sticking up into my dreams.

i hope today is a pleasant one for me. And I still find myself feeling a little sleepy but still here and rearing to play. however, Now I'm ignoring all those upsetting thoughts from the last few days. It’s Not good to look back at it. anyway, I've been pretty tired for playing basketball, and I think it's because I made myself so busy, I've been having really strange dreams at night. Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight, if at all possible.

my mood: 4.6/10

I feel alone tonight

day 267

I just arrived from the basketball practice. I'm tired and I am wet, i went to the closet and grab some dry towel to wipe out the skin moisture at my arms and body. Then I sat and rest for a while in front of my laptop… while I am sitting here my fingers started to type at the keyboard I don’t know where it will go…

I feel alone tonight… I am always alone… I asked who do i turn to when no one is there? no one besides me…? who do you lean on when a shoulder does not exist?

I always keep thinking… I overused my mind I guess… I never learned from my past experience.. like other people says in a comment… and turns out for me a negative feedback when i read it… anyway guys thanks for the comment although its quite painful but I know it was for me to move forward.

However, sometimes some comments I over analyzing it and then self hate and then I started to blame myself for the lack of a social life that i do not have.

I guess I am stuck with my shadow from the past.

my mood: 5.7/10.

start a new day

day 266

Today, i was wake up for a call, i just remembered today is friday Ive to get up to play basketball. anyway, my feelings are still bit worried about what was happened recently, but I'm trying to start to erase everything that I had in mind for the past few days and start a new day…

And i felt so confident and full of energy, I guess I feel fine. I walked on the street head held high. It felt so refreshing, no panic attacks, no dizziness, no fear. Perhaps today I can play more better.

my mood: 2.5/10.