I can't be better

Day 265

Last night, i moaned myself to sleep... i felt like every thing's flooding on me... I felt that I can't be better, a few weeks ago, i was in a pleasant state... everything felt okay... nah!.. not every thing's okay, just a few days then... but i could face off with everything... i just need to get out for a little while then i could come back and fight all out...

I'd look forward on Fridays... I need a change, now, I'm feeling all the tension... all the stress... every thing's not good... but of course, i assured them I'll be fine... I'll be fine... not as happy but I'll get through this... i wish it just ignored me online... and did not delete me like that... i wish she realized I'm going thru pain and stress, and what she would do it’s a big question...

it was too sensitive to her... i really thought she knew me... what i did, what i do, what I'm going thru... i thought, at the very least ... to care for me even just as a person she used to laugh with, but... she didn't care about my feelings , it was something special... she didn't care if I'm hurting now coz i have to face the real thing... she just didn't care... why would she, sad... i know i cant be better.

my mood: 5.9/10.

tiny white lie

Day 264

I am so frustrated, pissed, upset, and depressed. I mean, I just have to fuck everything up, don't I? Ever since I know I was a curse, I've been a mess, but after all of the confusion, i hardly know what to do with myself anymore. I mean, I don't know who to trust. I went off now. Ive got the final decision.

but I feel so bad, when I did it and I think I really hurt her feelings, even though I know she will never admit that. I guess it’s been triggered something in me and since I have so much stress when I went off, and I just exploded.

I really shouldn’t do that, and I never think twice. i know i hurts her feelings and so do I, but I should have to do it for her own sake because I know she has a lot of responsibility, and she can't get away with it… And on top of that, I think I might have lost a really someone special.

I know she lied, and even though it was a tiny white lie, but that still really pissed me off (or upset me...I’m not really sure which) but she was one of the best and i feel like things will never be the same again…

My mood: 5.0/10.

text

day 263

Aargh!!! Damn…am late! when I woke up this morning, i jumped out of the bed, thinking i need to do a lot of stuff at work ive got lots of pending jobs… but those text early morning pissed me off and i've been so much worried about my life.. i was wondering what I am going to do now... the text thing that I wasn’t expecting…

whatda!.. fuck things happen to me... ive got a bad day…. Ive got lots worries in my head and I need to jot it down before it went off… i'm not supposed to read those unconcerned text...it pissed me off early morning at 4:30 am... my thoughts has blocked out, I can't think too much… my mood changed, I need to forgot and erased everything in my life.. I need to do something... this is it. 

I don’t want to think this way… i dont wanted to just to stay under the sheets... and do nothing all day... but i need to work... i need to do the stuff in the office, i need to work... i have to be busy... to forget all things out.. i am damn! pissed off and frustrated! grrr!

my mood: 7.5/10.

it’s all my mistake

day 262

Today, i am at work... I don’t know what to say but every day this damn question always bothers me….haaaaaaay! why do i feel like you hate me so much? why do you hate me? did I say or do something that I harm you?! why you're always mean towards me…and yet you say you’re not and that there are no harsh feelings. But you always pick up every negative words I said?

i'm starting to feel more and more distant towards you but I will say sorry, even though for you there is no sense no mo. and now i will always feel like it was my fault and then feel bad about it all in the end and it’s all my mistake…

if I talked regarding about their self, it will bounce on me they don’t want their issues to be open and talked about… and then again it will end up.. it’s my fault. I end up loser because they will goes offline. And never talked to me again.

Anyway it just a rants nothings personal…

My mood: 6.5/10.

meet the technician

Day 261

Last night I didn't sleep well, . I didn't really move either. Too much on my mind, too much to worry about. Too afraid to lose that little piece of happiness she gave me. I'm afraid to lose contact to her.

yesterday afternoon, I arrived pretty tired and sad because I don’t have my laptop to play with, I don’t know what to do if I don’t have it… i felt alone… and that’s the only thing made me felt happy every day. I took shower and go to the gym to play basketball, I'm still pretty damn down… I miss my laptop… I miss to see her every morning… I hope she miss me too…

after I finished my practice… I went direct to the shop to meet the technician… and he said there is another problem occurred… the fan affecting the processor heat sink… grrr… damn I guess it will cut me mo money… anyway I told him to fix it and I will return tomorrow to collect my laptop tonight… then I went to the net shop to publish all my save blogs that I made for the last couple days in my work every morning..

Grrrrr….

My mood: 7.5/10.

acting weird!

day 260

Saturday! good day everyone! I have a bad news today! My laptop is acting weird!… I heard a noise coming from the fan of my processor… it was so irritating, well i think it will goin to blow up... damn!

I hate SONY VIAO model VGN-CS118E… don’t buy it… I really regret to purchased it. however its only 2 years on my hand… and the first problem occurred.. it was the power supply… it always goes off... then i sent it to the workshop because it was still under warranty service…in short they fixed it..

Grrrr! again i heard this annoying sounds coming from the laptop and I can't sleep to think about it, maybe if I will not act to send it to the workshop it will getting worst… anyway tomorrow after my work I will send it to the workshop…

I have plenty of blogs left at my yahoo account draft emails… I’ve been lazy to publish my blogs lately… due to the basketball practice… but tomorrow night I will go to the net shop to fill up my empty days countdown…

I need to publish all my blogs then..

my mood: 6.5/10.

being kind

day 259

friday, im doin house works, my room was so damn quiet, i cant hear any sounds but only my aircondition, then  while im cleanin all my mess, i remember something.... and i need to write it down before it goes off..

im kind... there is no harm for being kind, I always been kind to them, but I don't know why it happens, but it does. I let myself felt down for the words that other people said. I should not took it and think everytime. it made me sick, and i should not listened to them, they just messin my life… I should know myself better by now, for all those years I’ve been depressed, why I aint learn my lesson?!

I guess its only in my mind and perhaps there was nothing to worry about it… i should stop thinkin not normal, it makes me upset.. im tired of this stupid paranoia syndrome… maybe I 'm just protecting myself from being hurt.

I hate the pain that haunts me when people leave me, but I will keep facing it, and you know I'm not a bad man… for all those people who have entered my heart and walked away....I love you and I will never forget you. But the story always has an end.

my mood: 5.5/10.

I'll stand by you - The Pretenders (with lyrics)

day 258

tonight i feel down and sad, i need to get out of this sad feelings and i decided to surf and find something to enjoy but instead i found this sad song, anyway i love music, it makes me happy always, then i listen to it...

i really love the music when i heard it, the lyrics, and the rythym wow it was cool... it was so nice to sleep while i am listening to this song... i love it..

my mood: 5.6/10.

thats my life goes

day 257

Today I'm sitting in front of my laptop, feeling so tired and drained. I'm not well today my face turn red due to basketball practice, my lip hurts because of the elbow smashed on it, then after I played I’ve got headaches and muscle pains for some sort of tiredness I guess.

I went home and take some nap, and i go back to drug store to buy meds for my headaches, well it’s pretty tiring i guess....., but that's my life goes.

I feel pretty rather lonely today but my mood It’s not as bad as it has been. I need to sleep a little more, to lessen my exhausted feelings..., and still Life is going to move forward, so the time. I can’t wait till I can see this girl I love...whew another more month will pass and I’ll be home soon.

I wish tomorrow is my vacation, I wish in the morning when I wake up she’s besides me, i can look at her and kiss her while she's sleeping. wow she’s amazing. I guess I really do need to sleep, my mind starting to dream again.

my mood: 2.5/10.

lets try

day 256

Today, I don't feel any better, I don’t know why but it seems I need to say something here. Every day as I always thinkin for a better well plan life, well maybe a little more better I can say in just a few days and ready to accept my lesson and move on with life. There is no need for me to stay stuck in the past, when moving forwards all you got left. I already forget everything, I already accepted everything that it happened.

That is how I feel today, but I have a feeling I'll still have a good day everything has its reasons for happening, even when we could have prevented them. We did it for some reason for some insane thought we thought we were right.

well lets try to have a happy day nothing can get worse until you try!

my mood: 3.5/10.

what people made them happy!

day 255

Tonight I can't sleep. I don't know what's wrong with me.. I feel down a bit… but I know everyone has their ups and downs. But right now, even though nothing is really going on, I need to cheer up… It’s been almost two days I haven’t slept well… I need to feel something different… I just want to be happy! I don’t know what people made them happy…!

Anyway… what are some things that makes you happy? just doing things I like make me happy…, hmp Singing makes me happy… but people get upset if they heard my voice… so i sing at the bath room... and playing games online. playing strategy games... Red Alert command and conquer.. its old but i really like it.

grrr.. it’s very difficult to live alone. I just always talkin to myself… I laugh all the time, and smile, I get exited allot too. Now a days , every things went fine.. And I like it when everything is just fine, and there is no trouble. I hate fighting, because fights suck. It's a lot better when everyone is happy.

This might sound strange, but smiling will make you feel better even if you are sad or upset. so smile.. besides it will make you feel youger...

good night..

my mood: 4.5/10.

sipping my green tea

day 254

Life isn’t a game, once you’re dead your dead… driving a car in here it seems like you are at race, they drive so fast and insane. But I need to drive slowly for my own protection… I arrived exactly 7:00 am… then I went to the kitchen, fill my empty mug with hot water and dropped two bags of green tea…

Yep.. just sipping my green tea and relaxing.. nobody’s around so need to relax a bit.. man..! can't wait til today's over… tomorrow i have to be at the gym before 6:00am instead of 7:00am, be on time theres no harm on it... by the way.. I'm having a tummy now… it seems that I'm pregnant… damn it! gym exercise wasn’t affect anything to me… haaay..! i need more work out i guees! i already stayed at 68kgs. but i need to weigh 65kgs before my vacation... i wish i could have it..

so i have to have a lighter breakfast for a reason... I am going on vacation in a few months, i really need to reduce my weigh a bit…....

my mood: 3.5/10.

we will be together

day 253

Saturday, first day of basketball practice, I'm not feelin good tonight… I'm not in the mood to play basketball, but Im already there so why not give it a try. then I played.

I'm pretty tired, when I got home, but I wanted to write a bit about my feelings. I really wanted to say something but I don’t know how to express it in words.. in English. then i remember the good things….

It’s been a month I haven’t wrote a good blogs to read… I wonder if I could write something better tonight.

so I dreamt and I always say it and i write that we were being together forever… and l always mentioned it to her… I guess I would rather think this is the idea, to tell the story where we tried to be together, but at the moment we couldn’t do it because of the gap we were facing... but I hope it will not come to your mind that one day you were stop trying.

I love you, I love everything about you, and I will always do, and I will do the best for you. You know, I really wish today is the day to be with you, I would like to hold you and cuddle you each time that i hold you in my arms. Day dreaming about the day at the airport, how it could be…?! What it will gonna be? I hope this dreams it won’t be over… ill be happy… If you will do so..

Anyway, I just thinking, I hope you will not leave me. I am glad I got to love you as I do. I always do. i promised we will be together soon.

my mood: 3.5/10.

don’t know what to write

day 252

I don’t know what to say tonight, no ideas, and I am starting to write what the first words that comes out into my mind. anyway I decided to remember the good things, what I would miss to write about for the past few days…about love? I always write about love! Hmmp.. I think I am a romantic guy…hahahaha.. I guess! I would rather think that I am… hhahaha!

I'm quite stupid tonight… don’t know what to write… it seems im into drugs… but I'm not…!i’ve never been into that situation before… it’s not my type… I’ve been a bad boy but.. but never been into drugs… 

anyway, today is friday.. im busy doin house works..... do not disturb!

my mood: 4.5/10.

most provably negatives

day 251

Thursday I really don’t know what it seems in Thursday it was a bad day for me, I felt too crappy. Nobody wants to talk to me, i feel down,  i cant work very well. But when it rains, it pours. Unless you expect the unexpected, you will never find truth, for it is hard to discover and hard to attain the reality what lies ahead.

I should care about myself for now on. They just bluffing, i should not trust anyone.. however, today I felt pretty not inspired, i had a really bad mood..i dont know what was happening to me, i really dont understand why it was affecting me too much.

Bye the way I should not really right something like these "negatives"… If I look bact at it,I will be sad and i will be upset although my vents I wrote here most provably negatives. but this is me... this is what i live for. So if you feel somewhat like me.. don’t read my blogs it will not help you. find some positives blogs that can lift up your spirit.

my mood: 5.5/10.

i always been tempted

day 250

Wednesday, there is no new things, if you darn ask me… I always be the same guy you know. Anyway I'm sorry for some comments that I’ve been able to delete, I know you are pretty upset. sorry.

I'm sorry that I always wrote depressing blogs I know it’s not worth it, if you don’t like it don’t read it. now I'm reducing the amount of times I swear, I should fight, the game that has been already started. It's really bad. They choose me to play. So yes, no more swearing. I always say it, but I don't want to have a foul mouth, I don’t want them to hate me. she always been hate me.

So tonight, I seriously I didn't want to go at work tomorrow because of my lack of sleep tonight... now it’s too late, I’ve got a few hours to sleep. I know tomorrow there was no good morning. i feel sleepy now because it is almost midnight... so anyway I will just have my facebook break. I don’t know why I'm really afraid to open facebook site. but i cant stop myself to open it. i always been tempted to open it and i still did some facebook research like aka formally known as stalking.

sad but its true, that’s why most of the time if I feel happy. I really don’t want it to open. Damn I know I am right, It will killed my happy mood streak, I swear my life tends to do that a lot. My mood will go down so quickly and so hard. i should not go there.. 

Up to now, I'm still sad. I want to have some fun and forget about it for a bit. But I can't.

I really need to focus. This is my future now. If I want to succeed, I need to give it my all. But we'll see whatever happens.

I hope for the good, and I'm praying for the good.

my mood: 5.3/10.

I wanted to write a bit

day 249

I arrived home but I'm pretty tired. it was a long day at work but I wanted to write a bit. I actually got pretty busy at work today. Anyway, the company gotta basketball league in two months our team its been assembled already and On april 17 2010, The team will start to practice till may 25 2010, and I really don’t know some other players if they got game... ill see it.

anyway I don’t care, this is the first I’ve been joined them. yet I already had done my practice every Friday morning, I’ve some fellow friends who would like me to joined them to play basketball, I started to play with them since last two Friday’s, but I will stil participate for the team practice starting from Saturday to Tuesday every night… so I guess I will be busy now..

my mood: 2.5/10.

with all my love

day 248

Day by day, dream by dream,

i love you more and more,

Each time that we're together

makes you dearer than before.

Nothing in the world means more

than sharing life with you,

You're in each plan i ever make,

you're part of all i do,

Nothing in the world could change

the love that we both share,

And the greatest joy in life for me

is knowing you are there.

With all my Love

my mood. 7.9/10.

what do i live for....?

day 247

I don’t know why, I never was like this, i was happy, i would never lock myself in my room and stay alone. I don't know what happen, what changed, it just sprung on me that i have nothing to live for. 

i wake up to nothing new, nothing exciting, my friends ask me why i don't talk much anymore, i would never answer them, I just leave and put my hands in my pocket and never look back. 

so one day they stop talking to me and left the table we sit at, but I don’t care, I can live alone and die alone, it's now a year on and i'm still the same, so tell me , what do i live for....?

my mood: 5.5/10.

Forever in my heart

day 246

Forever in my heart

are the wonderful times we’ve shared… 

And all the special ways in which 

you show your and care 

Forever in my heart 

are the wonderful things you do.. 

You make my world a better place 

simply by being you. 

Forever in my heart is the love you’ve given me… 

And forever in my heart will be 

My love for you – endlessly. 

You belong forever in my heart 

You’ve filled every single part… 

You’re the one I love with all my heart. 

You mean everything to me. 

my mood: 1.4/10.

i am getting old?

Day 244 

today, friday, i was supposed to do my house works routine. I wake up early morning, 4:00 am… sun doesn’t goes down yet… a bit chat.. then going to play basketball at the gym… I played 4 times one after another…, my mind was thinking good and playing good. 

But suddenly strange things happened while I am playing on the court, I can't move fast, I can't ran fast, I’ve got back pain… gosh perhaps i am getting old… my body, my arms, my legs, it getting’ stuck… i couldn’t play a better game anymore, but I know I got game. 

However, i haven’t played since the last basketball league in my company starting from October 2009 till April 9 2010 present day. It's almost 7 months now. Maybe I need to get back my footwork… I need more practice.. because there will be another basketball tournament on June 2010. Better to be prepared, done doing nothing. 

My mood: 1.6/10 

Life is unpredictable

day 243

Today, Thursday, I went to work feeling good… relaxed, I am feeling very relaxed. I don't know why but it feels great to be free from worries, I really love to feel this way again.. I hope tomorrow could be the same, but Although I know that this joy won't last very long… I will take that credit today.. if only just temporary.. 

I don’t want to feel that staying worried every time, it makes me feel feeling low, feeling alone… I'm not supposed to feel this way.. but there was a time I always thinking a lot… it getting worse, If I can't divert my way of thinking for something else… and I ended up getting stressed for too much thinking… it’s not a good a good sign.. 

Life is unpredictable… The only things that would remain predictable are my own thoughts and actions. Those are the things that I can control. Those are the things that can change according to my will at any given point of time. 

Anyway today is my great day…

my mood: 1.5/10.

tomorrow is another day

day 242-part 2

i cant sleep... almost 12:00am, insomnia? i guess not.. im just worried... worried for everything. worried for what will happen.. Anyway, tonight maybe hard, but I know I will get better soon, I feel sad if sometimes I am visiting my favorite social community network like facebook, lots of people, lots of friends of friends to add, I didn’t add people if I really don’t know them well, or I haven’t talk to them much.

but It may seem like the world goes round, i hope it will not simply turned away. I know sometimes you will get confused if you talked to strangers often… you may feel you will like him… because you talked a lot most of the time… you entertained him… you let him touched your feelings… you let him stare with you… you listened what he taught you.. i really hate visiting social networks..damn....urgh!!

but I don’t care…. What will gonna happen.. i just waiting for another day to happen.. because tomorrow is another day.. anyhow i know someone out there cares... even though it may hard to see…and yet someone will pick you up when you already been thrown out.

my mood: 6.5/10.

letra

day 242

Simula ng matuto akong mag sulat ng letra, hindi ko na pansin na mahalaga pala, na minsan kahit papano maisusulat mo rin mga memories na mahalaga sayo.. mas lalo ang malulungkot na karanasan mas maraming sad na letrang gumagala sa utak ko na gusto ko maisulat para mabasa ko sa susunod na araw…

Pero dapat private lang… kasi buhay ko to… walang dapat makakaalam nito… pero hindi ko alam bakit hinayaan ko pa pati sa facebook mapublish ng automatic itong mga letrang to… anyway… okay lang… maganda nga para mabasa ang mga bagay na nagging karanasan ko na hindi dapat mangyari sa iba, nakakalungkot isipin pero nangyayari talaga.

good night... inaantok na ako..

my mood: 4.4/10.

Brownout

day 241

Last night it was Brownout, it’s too dark and its too hot, I can't sleep well, i just woke up from time to time, I just really hate that I coudnt sleep well, I have a work tomorrow, I need to wake up early in the morning… but I just sleep like almost half and hour ago and i feel really stressed out.

i was wake up, and I need to pee, I grab my mobile to use it as my flash flight and go to the bathroom, and i slipped, because of the bath soap that fell down. and i accidentally stepped on it, so be careful not to step at the soap its really quite dangerous.

then i went back to sleep and in one and a half hours, I woke up again… there’s is a pussy things rise in my mind. But I ignore it I went back to sleep, I terribly miss her a lot, now a days I didn’t talk to her much.. but it’s okay she’s just busy at work..i understand everything about her.

my mood: 5.2/10.

imperfection

day 240

Heto nanaman nakaka-miss talaga ang taong gustong gusto mong kausapin tapos until ngayon hindi pa rin ako pansin, anyway busy lang siguro sa trabaho..

sana pagising nya sa umaga okay lang siya at maganda ang mood nya. Minsan tuloy maiisip mo na feeling mo may nagagawa kang kasalanan, minsan nag woworry ka kong meron ka talagang nagawang kasalan bakit hindi ka pinapansin.

Siguro kong meron man akong nagawang kalasanan sa kanya hindi naman siguro malaki yon para titiisin ka diba?! ah.. nag sosorry nman ako... hindi pa ba enough yon?! Anyway minsan ganun talaga kailangan mag pasensiya..both sides. 

Hindi naman ako nag che-cheat? Hindi nman ako nakikipagflirt sa iba? Hmmp… matanda pa kaya sa lola ko babae ditto.. minsan wala pang ngipin… mahirap talaga. sana nman ma realize nya na..nag titiis ako para sa kanya… 

unfair dn nmna kc ..minsan may mga usapan talaga na napupunta sa hindi maganda topic.. pag hindi maganda ang pinupuntahan nag sosorry naman ako kagad… mas madalas nga lang nauuna maipis ang utak ko…. Bad nga ako minsan….. napaka nagger ko… selfish pa… ganun lang siguro ako mag mahal selfish.. siguro pag binago ko sarili ko hindi na ako yon.. wala akong magawa ganun ako mag mahal… 

anyway minsan dumarating sapunto na pag magkamli ang hirap nya ko patawarin.. hiwalayan kagad?? ang sakit eh... lalo na kung hindi ka kina kausap... stupid din kasi isip ko minsan iniipis nga.. ang lalaki pa… minsan pag iniipis ang utak ko.. minsan naisip ko nga inom na lang kagad ako ng baygon para mawala ng tuluyan mga ipis na gumagala sa utak ko…. Minsan mahirap eexplain din sumasakit ang ulo ko.. haaaay.. sa isang araw kasama pati sa trabaho.. nakaka anim na paracetamol ako.. dahil pag hindi ako uminom… migraine kagad ang deretcho… minsan kahit anong explain ko hindi ka nman pakikinggan.. 

minsan may ugali rin ako ng pabalik balik sa nakaraan… kahit ako inis ako sa sarili ko pero..paulit ulit parin… kaya minsan uwi sa away ang uwi ng usapan, hindi Masaya, hind talaga maganda ang ending palagi pag kaganun, pero minsan my time talaga na na me miss kita sobra..gusto kita makausap pero wala ka…kaya tinitiis ko lahat dahil mahal kita.. 

sana nman ma realize mo yon lahat.. sana nman hindi masayang yong mga sacrifices natin... ung mga sad and happy moments natin.. I know sometimes we will face trials on how strong we really are.. how we will face trials… i hope this situation will not break as apart.. kasi mas masakit yon at mahirap tangapin sa part ko... ang hirap... sobrang mahal lng tlga kita siguro... sana naman maintindihan mo ako... 

alam ko minsan talaga my mga usapang hindi tayo nag kakaintindihan… madalas sakin nag sisimula… pero pinipilit ko un na maging okay tayo at the end, ayoko maging sad tayo parehas.... kasi ayoko na mag away tayo parati... hindi nman ako perfect.. hindi naman tayo perfect.. sana matangap mo pagiging imperfection ko para perfect ako sayo... i love u so much more than anything... 

sayo ko lng nararamdaman ang ganitong love.. lahat kaya ko tisin para sayo khit gaano man ito kasasakit.. tinanggal ko na pride ko para lng sayo.. lahat gagawin ko para sayo... sana nman huwag mo nman ako saktan ng ganito... ang hirap eh...... lahat ito gnwa ko pra lng sau.. kc sobrang mahal kita ... alm ko din naman mahal mo din ako... kasi nakikita ko nman kung gaano mo ako pinapahalagaan at kinakausap tuwing umaga... mahal po kita mas higit pa sa pag mamahal mo sakin. dito lang ako palagi para sayo..

my mood: 3.5/10

wala ngalang halaga

day 239

Bakit ganun kung minsan?! Lalo na kong nag iisa ka.. marami kang naiisip na hindi magandang bagay. Haaaay! Mahirap talaga kong wala kang makausap minsan, ang hirap tumira sa malayong lugar na wala kang kakilala, pero sanayan lang, lumilipas din ang panahon at oras, wala ngalang halaga.

Siguro nga talagang mahirap lang mag isa sa kwarto, at mas mahirap siguro kung mag isa lang ako sa buhay ko. Haaay! hirap... anyway, kung ano ano nalang ang ginagawa para lang malibang at makalimutan ang mga bagay bagay, minsan ang hirap palipasin ang oras nakakabagot din…

my mood: 3.2/10.

typing freely

Day 238

Tonight, my fingers typing freely, I don’t know where my thoughts go, I just let my fingers fly whatever may comes out into my mind. I don’t care what It will gonna end up. And I just typed four lines into this white box trying to think why I am doing these… but I thought for a moment…

by the way… just for the readers information… I write my thoughts in MS office outlook its quite easy for me to detect wrong spellings, bad arguments, wrong grammar, etc. The Microsoft Outlook will do the job for you… anyway I want to end it here.

end. good night... have a good sleep.

My mood: 5.5/10.

home alone

day 237

Friday, I am doin house works, it’s my friday routine, its been a long time being living alone....... home alone for almost 6 years, and being home alone, i enjoyed sometimes but not much because there was a time I felt down, no one’s home, im just human, i need someone who listen to me.

anyway, i am doin works freely with just a undress, yes undress and walking around I felt relaxed, i love it when i can do everything what i want, taking nude photos of my own.. hahaha.. just having some fun sometimes… anyway, if you are woman send me your email add ill send you my nude photos… just for fan… 

by the way i just gonna finish this blog and get a bite of apple and get ready to get a new nude photos at the shower room.... 

just enjoying… my remaining life on earth… 

Grrrr!!, im just trying to convince myself for being happy, but im not, i cant lie to myself, i am worried to someone doesn't got home yet...

my mood: 4.6/10.

something else

day 236

Today is my last day of scheduled office work. I couldn't be happier. I am beginning to wonder if I'm not cut out for the regular schedule most people keep...., anyway, still having a nightmare for the emails i received, i need to forget about it.

however I have only worked a job for 1 year maximum and another contract will be release but i am sure i will be here after my vacation and while i am still here i try to find a new job vacancy somewhere not around here.. but before quitting and moving onto something else.

I find I get depressed after a while, waking up in the dark in the morning, i feel alone, i feel something that nobody cares about me, whatever perhaps i feel i am in the bad mood today, feeling like a robot who must fulfill my programming. Once I'm at work I feel fine however, and even enjoy what I'm doing in most cases. I've had a couple jobs that I really loved, emailing. 

But only one that I can remember not having any feelings of darkness in the morning and that job I was in control of my own hours. I still arrived at the same time, but I think there was a mental difference knowing that there was more choice involved, i know i've got a choice. hmmp.. work is not include here in my blogs.. im just feeling low today..

my mood: 3.6/10.