that's all i want

Day 235

Today, I received a threat email, it’s upset me, I can't work well, it keeps me worried. Anyway, I don’t know how he will do it.

But before anything else, all i want is my happiness that I am looking for a long time. I want to be loved for being me.

I want be able to look at myself in the mirror again. I want to see my smile once again. to laugh. to be alive again and...that's all i want.

My mood: 3.5/10.

stressful

Day 234

Tuesday, I am so glad to get home today after a long hours of works, I think my mood might settle down again.

My job today is sooo stressful I want to go home and relax. i feel really tired working long hours. 

i need vacation.

My mood: 5.1/10.

weighed in

day 233

Every day, I ended up eating an egg sandwich for breakfast and coffee, cheese burger at lunch and vegetables and 2 cups of rice at dinner. Now a day’s I’m not having exercise, I stopped playing basketball and bein lazy to goin to the gym. I am hoping I will lose weight, at the moment I didn’t weighed in.

so still I hope I will stay 66kgs. I didn't expect to lose any weight cos I ate too much today... my target weight is 60kgs..

my mood: 2.5/10.

empty blogging days

day 232

today, after i finished fill out my empty blogging days... I went outside… to relax… to bent… and  i've been walking somewhere, anywhere that could changed my attention, even just for a minute. Anyway this is not ordinary moment of my pure pleasure because it can be a time to think, to reflect, to be inspired and so much more.

I enjoy even just walking, it is an opportunity for me to keep away at my computer just for a while. It is also a chance for me to reflect on myself or what I've learned for so many days.

Sometimes, I observe the people around me; those who are walking with friends, by themselves or listening to music. walking is  another way where I could unwind.

my mood: 1.2/10.

not been blogging

day 231

It’s been days not been blogging, I left my blogs three days unfilled, i really loved to write every morning a coffee at my side when I just arrived at the office but due to the company isolation policy it’s been blocked, i cant do anything about it...

but I save my notes about my daily activities. But i’ve been too lazy to post it into my blogs…well… I'm pretty tired when I got home. But at least I wrote somethin even though it just a few words... a few words could tear your heart apart.

my mood: 2.1/10

a neat freak

day 230

Friday, urgh… I’ve gotta lot of house works to be done, but I spent the better part of 4 hours cleaning the utensils in the kitchen... anyway, today is Friday.. I am in the process of cleaning my entire room by myself.. no complain.... I am ashamed if I can't clean my own room even though I know I don’t have any visitors to visit me... lucky...

And I'm helping myself as well.. you know nobody will clean it up except me.. I'm sure no one will even care only me. I am not a neat freak but what is wrong with wanting a clean room? Anyway… hahaha! It is going to be a job to accomplish... am alone but I am determined to clean my room every Friday. I'm freakin out..

anyway, anybody wants to help me? who cares..

my mood: 1.2/10.

It’s been days

day 229

It’s been days not been blogging, I left my blogs three days unfilled, i really loved to write every morning a coffee at my side when I just arrived at the office but due to the company isolation it’s been blocked by privacy… but I save my notes about my daily activities.

But i’ve been too lazy to post it into my blogs…well… I'm pretty tired when I got home. But at least I wrote somethin even though it just a few words... a few words could tear your heart apart.

my mood: 1.8/10.

a good day!

day 228

I wish every day is a good day! And today is a good day… a bit! and I don’t know why I said it but I guess, I just decided that it is a good day… just being positive, negative thought it want help me! negative words from the others it affects me easily.. so I know it won’t help me either.

I finally decided not to worry about tomorrow… anyway, why should i be worrying about tomorrow it will not do me any good. Lately it’s been hard for me to sleep worrying things that it doesn’t belongs to me… but it affects me in a sense of something quite secret… anyway who cares…

well that’s the way it should be. ive been feeling about certain situations in my life. i know I can get through these tough times. i dont want things to go back to the way they use to be. again i say today is a good day and tomorrow will be too. 

my mood: 1.3/10.

a good sleep

day 227

i rolled to the left, i rolled to the right, urgh! I still awake.. it's almost 1:10 AM midnight… I’ve got 4 hours left to go to work… I hope I could have my sleep that I want… I want a good sleep, like anybody does… just like a kid who hasn’t seems any problem at all, I like peaceful thought… it was a good to imagine that I can sleep like some of those sleep…

anyway there is something keeping me awake. Maybe it has something to do with the disturbing things in my mind. i just keep it.

I don’t want anyone to know but I suck at keeping secrets, I shout! Anyway, I don’t know that other thing keeping me awake maybe I'm just having empty feeling that continues to haunt me ever since. However, I just come right back to where I am now, to keep updating with my blogging thing.

my mood: 2.5/10.

the spider

day 226

Jack and Jill are always hurting each other's feelings. But like Mum said, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye." Spider was directed by Nash Edgerton and produced by Blue-Tongue Film...

i wanna keep smilin'!

day 225

I wanna keep smiling.. I wanna keep smiling while am reading it.. i cant stop smiling, and i dont want to stop... i wanna keep smiling and feeling good. I love to read each messages that I received from her... I wanna keep smiling..

I really do love love her.. 

my mood: 1.2/10.

Inbox full

day 224

I Sit back… so here I am, I open my inbox, did I miss something?..... nice try… but My Inbox got so full.

reading it all and archives all good messages....

Now.. deleting all not important messages…

good night!

my mood: 1.2/10.

negative thoughts

day 223

Hello world,..... i hope everyone has having a good day! full of love and more lovely days ahead for each one... anyway, am just happy, no questions to ask. the days is getting nearer and im excited.. i hope every things went well.

anyhow... every day is a great day!.. feelin good! feelin better!.. and I hope the mood is quite good!... .... i hate my tantrums... now I could easily sense negative thoughts that It could make me feel so bad.… tryin to avoid it..

my mood: 1.2/10

a few lines

day 222

tonight i'm sitting in my room. another day gone by. I was busy the entire day, busy for sleeping, what with the hard work today.... today is Friday, but frustrating. desperately need a change. my memories runs nothing with just a bunch of frustration. saw you online on chat but as usual couldn't gather the courage to write a few lines to you. so here i am typing away in the middle of the night a letter to you which maybe you'll never read. so much for sanity.

hope your doing well gurl, hope your new found lover and world is treating you well. You’re so far away from me now. each passing day the distance between us increases and it makes me question my inner self will there ever come a day where i'll get a chance to meet you, see you and pour my heart's thoughts to you again. I know I will gonna miss you terribly. 

may He protect you through all the hard times in your life and may be give you strength to face life with that brilliant smile on your glowing beautiful face of my best… good night… 

another memories in the past…

my mood: 1.9/10.

theres no way i can stop it

day 221

It's my own fault. I know that. There’s nothing to blame. its been nothing but whom I know its not been a big deal. But still, if you will think it over, it will not harm you anything.. I don’t know what to think now but that things are getting complicated on track between the two and its seems like there’s no cure. like a spanner thrown in your face, is not the nicest thing in the world.

I should have known. i Shouldn't have trusted that all that everything was have been saying and doing was for me and me only. Yet, when someone seems so hell bent on convincing you that your first impression of them, but lots of talking a lot of times it is wrong, you will get confused, you start to think after a time, that maybe, just maybe you could be wrong and perhaps that person isn't what you thought they were.

Sadly for me, my instinct was right for a change. It’s exactly who I thought it was in the first place, despite I trying to convince myself that it was honest feelings on her side otherwise. I'm disappointed that she is that person. I was really hoping that she was who she kept trying to tell me she was, and it turns out she isn't.

To find out that she is flirting with and chatting some other guy its really heartbreaking, it just hurtful feeling. To think that all the nice things she said and did for me meant nothing in the end,

I can't do it anymore. I can't put myself out for someone who isn't even going to give me enough respect not to treat me like that. I thought she liked me, but she clearly doesn't and I can't do anymore than I have.

I wonder how long it will take for me to get over ? It's going to hurt every time I see her, It's my fault. I missed out on something that could have been really great and I know she can easily move on she’s taught and strong.

She found someone whos really does makes her happy. and theres no way i can stop it.

Anyway this is only memories from the past… now....

my mood: 1.2/10

confused

day 220

Why do people have to be so confusing, maybe they are look to far into things that are said to them or maybe I am just missing something or they just really confused. perhaps they are sick.

And that’s exactly do the stupid arguments start? I don’t know why I am wasting time arguing over stupid senseless things. I should prefer to save my energy for more important things. i just only received bad words for that senseless arguments, which is not good to hear, it showing they doesnt care about your feelings.

fearless, i dont know why some people really impressed for such a copy and paste procedure and dont know the meaning of originality....

but lots of people enjoyed it... and they said "wow its so nice!... you are so good!.. your so loving and caring!.... hmmmp love song!... i like love song!.... weeeee!.... wow im impressed!... you really do a great job!".

but actually it was a copy and paste routine.... anyway... thats life... go home and fuck yourself.. have a room....

Whatever, I sometimes don't know how to feel about it. It's such a dark and empty feeling that is just too much for me sometimes. I know Life goes on and this world keeps turning but how I can go on when the loss still hurts.

my mood: 2.5/10

Walking

Day 219

Its very hard to deal with people who easily got confused and don’t know where to stay, and dont know where to begin with. anyway just a thought. however I want to share my noon walk in downtown, I'm okay although got a bit of worries, but its not a big deal, I know I’ve been played.

I eat my lunch together with my dinner in one meal … wow! its huge! i cant eat them all. after dinner… I walked around to the town, I like walking, I love how I feel when I take a walk for some time, I feel free from worry and relaxed, although I know some people they don’t like see me happy… but I don’t care, I'm independent person, i know how to survive in the real life of living, im a survival of depression.

sorry... im going farther...anyway, Back to my real thought, walking is my way how to free my mind of cluttered thoughts. I walked because I can take a deep breath and sigh, I can go to release untold energy and worry of everyday life.

Walking is something I can do that I am free to be me and not worry what people think. You don't have to be a certain age, or color, or gender, or pretend, or anything, you don't have to be or say anything but what is you. You can speak your mind, or exert your feelings by walking, if your sad, walk. If your mad, walk, If your frustrated, have a walk, go to the park, to the mall. Forget the negative words they throw. It wont help you, they dont care about your feelings. I know they just confused.

By the time you’re done walking, you’re not feeling anything but freedom, peace, and an uncluttered mind, and in the process you do something good, you got out there and explored the world, excising and moving your body in healthy ways that help you lose the pounds, and if you’re like me, you know that losing the pounds, is a hard thing. So, I thought to share this passion of mine, a passion for God and a passion of walking.

My mood: 1.1/10.

love letter - draft

Day 218

Hi there, I hope you are doin fine. I just wanted to do something and it was so simple to say I love you, but its difficult for me accept that i am apart with you im far far away into the land of the arabs. I like where I live.

anyway, I would be glad if you gave smile on your face once you will read this letter. I know we’re apart and I don’t want to let my chances goes along in nowhere without telling you that you’re so sweet and loving type of girl that whom I know who cares a lot to me. I’m glad If everyone knows how much you mean to me, you’re so special. Ever since you have entered my life, I've been flying on Cloud 9 and I have not come down yet.

I tell you this every day, but you are the most beautiful person I know, inside and out and I see that more clearly with each passing day. I love everything about you, I hope there will be something good goin to be happen. I love the way you do something to me that no other has, you have made me so happy, the happiest I've ever been. You give me the most amazing feelings inside, the feeling of being in love with you.

I still don't know what I did to be so lucky to have you in my life, being a good friend it’s a common term to know each person but I hope in a long run it will be more that this and my dream come true... I am so thankful though. In this short time that we've been together talked each other sharing problems it was a good start to know each other deeper.

we have grown up matured and live independent at the moment and I can't wait to see what the future holds for us. I love you, with all my heart and soul, always and forever!

i dont know what you have done to me but you are now affecting my world. i hope i will not get hurt anymore. stay safe..

my mood: 1.5/10.

wonderful Sunday

day 217

Thank you for such a wonderful Sunday, anyway, if I'm in my place to where I live perhaps I'm at the church already. Sunday is always wonderful and it was a treat to be able to just chat next to you, I'm glad that you always wake up just to see me having full of bliss and happiness … you know, See it's a lot more fun than it sounded… love is really great and it was just the simplicity of enjoying love... I wish we could have more moments like these.

But yes, thank you Sunday, thank you for such a wonderful day. I wish I can be able to hug you and hold you like that. I loved it, Rubbing your back and falling in love with you more. What you think may seem like an imperfection, I find that it makes you even more perfect.

i'm so sorry you have to go through all this suffering without me, I hope I'm there with you right now..., I wish tomorrow is the day we will meet. The days is too long, but I will not loss my patience to wait… I know the time is near… I cannot wait to be able to really take care of you. I wish I could. .. and thank you for that great kiss... it felt like magic...


my mood: 1.5/10.

quite rested

Day 216

Now a days I'm writing less, it means am okay, I am happy! Very Happy! bcoz I know, I will gonna meet her and for a few days now, i've been feeling quite rested and at peace... when i think about it, i can't help but feel nervous for the coming days... I felt excited i know something big is coming up!... something that will lift my heart forever...

yet again... i don't know what else to do but to brace myself for it and wait for the right time... there's really nothing i can do about it just to hold and stay on the line...... i'm just praying that i will be able to handle it... I hope that nothing will be fuckin mess up in due time...

my mood 2.5/10.

Random thoughts again

Day 215 

Wheeew… I'm so tired after work and yet, I suppose I haven't written anything now a day’s… and technically this doesn't count either. However, I always love to listen rap music, and alternative song’s but I already don’t know who’s the hottest alternative rock band today. IPOD is my tools for listening music, i love music.

anyway, I’ve got saved blog at my email and I'll rewrite it later. I don’t care what it sound is, but now i like to write happy thoughts.. I will write a more proper blog later. I've got a few angels to dedicate blogs to. Shall be done shortly.

by the way, I'm just kickin my ass downloading for Ben Caldwell cartoons drawing… I been inspired by his art… its really amazing... I'm busy upgrading my drawings skills at the moment… that’s why I write less..

i dont know where my thoughts flow today but i guess this random set of ideas. 

my mood: 1.7/10.

only me can see that others dont have

Day 214 

I found it in my draft… good day! how are you ?! are you okay?! i miss you so fast.. thank you for the good time you spent for me everyday.. im very happy, you didn't lose your patience to stay with me… just for a while.. every morning.. you're really so wonderful inside and outside for whom i know only me can see that others dont have.. 

you're so sweet, loving and caring person… indeed..... take healthy food .. i love you so much.. i will miss you all day.! muuuuuuuuah... 

my mood: 1.8/10.

I loved to watch her

day 213

Okay well it's 10:44 in the morning, and I had no idea having something to write about. I don’t know what happening to me lately I write less. I guess I'm okay. 

Sometimes I do write. I just type it in my email and save it as a draft and repost to my blog later. today, I forget to activate my mechanical alarm so I slept through it, I hugged my pillow for what seemed like forever. 

Anyway, I woke up today feeling like shit, really feel sleepy, feeling sleepless, but its okay, talking to her, I feel complete. however i still managed to drag my ass out of bed. Preparing to see her online, Once I got her buzz, I feel complete. 

she always cheered my spirits considerably And I want to keep her guarded always. I love to watch her day and night… talking to her, i want the time to stop forever.

my mood 2.5/10.

just love her the way she deserved

day 212

I just woke up with a dream, I thought it was real… I tried to delete it into my memories but it wasn’t successful till I didn’t put into words… here it goes…

I love everything about her… no doubt to think about it.., but my thought’s wandered why I'm dying. am I still dreaming..?! I've loved her so long, and I build my whole world with her.. but I am fading…. I don’t know how they see me… How can anyone see me when I can no longer see myself?

I thought I am the star of my dreams but why I live in the shadows of fear. I think I used to give more light. But all was dark….. am I scared?! ... I tried to touch her but she doesn’t feel my existence…. 

Wheeew!… it’s so hard….! I know there’s something wrong in the past…… because nothing makes everything alright at the present. How could it be? A Glimpse of my present?! 

I sat back and i look up… The rivers flow, crashing down across my cheek. I’d wish for peace, but nothingness is what I seek. I know she loves me… and I know she’s trying to save me in the past… I’ve been warned for good… 

Did I do something wrong in the past?!… because it seems the woman i love is no longer exist in the present or it is me no longer exist in her present. How could it be? 

And again the rivers flow, crashing down across my cheek. I’d wish for peace, but nothingness is what I seek and I saw a silent man sitting across the river... but it seems it was raining on his side… I came nearer to him and I asked him,

“why you are alone? and why it was alotta rain in your side”

he said “why don’t you ask you self?!”…

I sat beside him and he continued…. 

“Anyway… I’ve been weak.. and I don’t want her to see me how weak I really am; if I say it out loud it will be true…”

he take a deep breath... and he said "it was dark and raining… I almost couldn't hear her voice because of the heavy rain pouring… and were both shouting at the street… and she’s crying out loud… her heart is crashing… I felt her pain… it seems like I am killing her emotionally… perhaps she's dying inside, and i felt she can't take it any longer...

this is what I said to her, ” You shouldn’t LOVE ME! I can't be good for you! but I can’t live without you!”

and she run away, I didn’t finish what I wanted to say…. I never thought that it was too painful… I shouldn’t have said it.. but it’s too late. I really love her but I'm too weak…”

and he said ” hey!...you should wake up by now”

I woke up… and I still heard his last word fading in my thoughts.

“just love her the way she deserved....and you will not see me alone” then he was gone..

my mood: 2.4/10.

she freaks me out!

day 211

I wake up in the morning I feel not good and this is not really good. Not good at all, I know. I'm so tired to feel this way, I feel I'm venting again.. Okay, well. Here goes nothin. 

Yesterday morning I got sickk pretty well for the damn conversation… and its driving me crazy… and I really feel all that bad… damn it! its very difficult to keep all pain inside…whatever.. still do went to my work, I don’t want a memo telling... salary deduction... like my boss said " HEY DAMN ASS! ... I'LL CUT YOUR SALARY!".. damn I don’t care… I didn't really don’t think anything about it actually. 

Then, this morning. I got sick again for the damn conversation… a mistakes to be blame for me that I don’t even know exactly what is it….! Aahh! damn it and I don’t know where to put myself… perhaps I should better stay outside, just in case if she ever wants me to blame again.. I will not catch everything and that could be nice guess…. now I'll really start freaking out once I get talk to her I feel that I would be blame again... wheeew... she freaks me out...

I don’t know maybe she don t want to see me, because once I'm online she’s so easily get mad at me… so easily changed her mood… I'm not deserved to be treated this way.. It may be a little early for me to start freaking out. But, I don't really think it's ever to early to start freaking out. 

my mood: 4.5/10.

Most of the days

day 210

at my work... A cup of tea at my side. After a few minutes I will go home, I felt tired today, I need to rest. I heard the sound of the keyboard, I am typing my thought for this afternoon and I want it to publish before I left here in my office.

So boring, Most the days all I do is go to work and go home, eat dinner and go to bed. And most of the day I really felt that my life was really boring and I am doing the same thing for six years already. I just sit and waste my life away waiting for something to happen, and really nothing really does.

I don’t know how to be different. by the end of the day what did I really do? I reflect on the things I do and most days I'm not really happy with it. I need some fun don't get me wrong but I wish there was something more I could do.

Really what I do some house work and watch Movies, but Still I am not happy.

my mood: 5.5/10.

I never felt happy

Day 209

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night, It seems I can’t sleep well. Worries running on my head, I’ve got headache. I’m starting to think that this is all not real, I’ve got a bad start for March, nothing it seems to be okay, I tried hard. But I can’t get out on it. depression after me.

I’m afraid to happen again; my past it’s extremely hard to forget. cheating , lying , emotional abuse. It’s really quiet painful for those traits I think some woman has. And nobody cares about it, nobody knows about it. I know it always not the same. But why is it so hard to trust again? I know she won’t hurt me. & I know she loves me .. but I won’t allow myself to let her all the way in. and it hurts me, it hurts me a lot.

I walked at the sidewalk and hands in my pocket, head look down, feeling down, not having a good day since I woke up in the morning, sleepless night, I just follow where the waters flows, it just like dancing in the rain, my life quite silent, I never felt happy.

I will live this way.

My mood: 6.3/10.

actually its my fault!

Day 208 

What a fucking morning…. Whats happen to me..?! why my march was fuch month.. every morning I woke up…in a bad mood… wheeew… I thought that it would help me to move on… but i am so sad today! i feel like nothing is going right. 

I don’t know but I always see that she’s doing what all her bf's do they are consistent with the things they love every day… I know she loves him but she just don’t want to accept the truth… I know she’s has a plan at the back of her mind… she will get back until she get use to it and then they will go away. 

I just think she's enjoying talking to him right now and she should! I don't want to take that away from her. I'm trying to be nice to her but I'm hurting on the inside and it pains me to be nice when I'm hurting! But i love her so I'm going to hide my hurt and just take one keep it inside my closet.... 

Anyway, I know… actually its my fault! I can't blame her.. she’s free… free to decide…

my mood: 6.5/10.

fuck up partners?!

day 207

What do you mean…?! What about fuck up partners?! One more thing about unfaithful partners....holy cow! Damn it…! you know if you caught your partner that shes been cheating! 

Hmmmp well! of course they are always prepared to defend themselves with explanations that sounds more like blaming! Depending the one common response to that woman/man gives when caught cheating like ”there is nothing serious between us” ”where just friends”. “Why are you over reacting?" 

Either that or they refuse to talk about it when confronted saying that you are annoying and even gets angry that you are not trusting him! Well, I think trusts has to be earned! Isn't it ridiculous to demand that I trust you when I have all the evidence that you are lying to me! Damn ass!

my mood: 7.8/10.

fuck up day!

day 206

Well here I am again. Sitting in front of my computer feeling sad nothing to do with myself just think nothing. but  Upset because I don’t even think that i have been played with someone i know i trust, and i treated her so special to me, wheew.. its always been a fuck up day to be. 

I really dont know what shes thinking but i know she's just playing around and i hope this is going somewhere but at the same time i can't seem to let my walls down, nor do i really want to. But it's hard because i feel an uncontrolable attraction. but anyway i know it's always been a fuck up day to me.

my mood: 5.9/10.

photo manipulation

Day 205

been slacking with my Mp3 and see some of my photos then it comes to my idea that I want it to manipulate, you know just for fan. So here it goes.

My mood: 3.5/10

robots have feelings too

day 204

i really dont know whats happening to me today but i really feel bad, i feel im being dump. perhaps she thinks im a robot and dont have any feeling but robots have feelings too...

my mood:4.5/10.