a new leaf in life could be?

Day 156 part 2 - sundayscribblings # 196 new leaf

For the past few days I was thinking what to write about for the Sunday scribbling “ New Leaf”. My mind start to imagine those happy feelings If i will get closer to her. and to be with her is my fulfillment, it’s one of my dream.

Well, a lot of time has gone by and my time is all wasted. I thought there will be a new leaf a new hope but why I am preparing with myself for the worst, I don’t know what really is going to happen, what lies ahead I don’t have any clues and it’s bothering me a lot. “No news is good”.

I just jot down my thoughts, so I’ve got my reference to myself what really matters all about perhaps it may help someday. I don’t want to push myself for an answer for its not beyond my control, it will just drive me for the wrong decision.

So, like always do, waiting game, I just wait. Like i always, trusting that somehow whatever she decides I'll be able to live with. The time, days, miles apart and with so little communication has been very very difficult, worries arise many times. I mean really difficult. I don't like to sound like a whiny female, but there you go, I guess I'm whining..... all right....?! but I am not a female..... it just a blog... don’t read if you don’t like too whining thoughts. Leave a comment if you wanted to help me.

Maybe love just doesn't last at all. Maybe it's only the hope of love lasting forever that endures. Maybe the pain of how this all happened just erased my own faith in what i had and experienced. I feel my trust in what I experienced dwindling into what I fear will become... i am just afraid to be left alone, and happy to stay for my delusional belief.

Maybe I was/am just a fool. I'm not sorry nor do I regret anything. I was so damn happy, even if it was a delusion. If it wasn't real, I'm not sure I want to know. I felt the magic of her and I, and I don't want to know the magic was all smoke and mirrors. I want to hang on to the happiness forever. Please don't break the spell. Leave me with my memories of happiness and joy. This is the first time I've ever said this, but spare me the reality this one more time. after a few months I will see her again, just for three weeks and I really don’t know what is the feelings for the second time. a new leaf in life could be?

Life is so unfair. I hate it sometimes. Then again, I remember that any moment something new can come into your life and make it all better somehow. Just by stopping to pay some attention and exchange some words. Life came alive again. Life began anew. A fresh start. One I guess I need, but don't really want. I think would be happy to end it with me on the doorstep of a new possibility.

I just don't want to make the choice. I’d rather stay this way perhaps.

My mood: 5.5/10.