it's like an escape

Day 15 

I can't see in front of me some days what is my future may hold, I wonder where I will be at next? I hope I will not lost my life and not constantly wonder where I am going. I write my journal as well as my countdown status. I am totally different to where i am at and when I started to write, it’s like an escape. An escape from my existence, I’m glad that I can write on here at my journal and be anonymous to myself. Somehow writing helps. 

I watch movies because there another escape to my boring life here, I get so caught up in myself and it’s never really about myself. I join basketball with my friends but i can never speak about how i feel because i hate talking about myself. I feel like life is passing me by, and I have no power over it. I know I’m stuck, and there's nothing i can do to free myself from that. 

My gratitude has gone to zero, I have more resentments than ever before. I couldn't understand it, I’m not stupid so what is it? I'm trying to live just for today but when today sucks, it just feels so hard. I don't want an escape, i just want to be content and happy but I can't even achieve that without my baby. Ok I vented, let’s hope I feel better soon. 

My mood: 7.1/10