further away

Friday, So, I've been awake for about over an hour, i washed my clothes, i cleaned my room and I've my morning cup of coffee as always. I plan to eat nothing today,  i don’t have appetite till now, i am still shocked, and really its quite difficult to accept the fact that it was happened, i can’t believe it.

For now i  Just took a cup of coffee and water. I'm going to be strong today and stay tough, though. I'm trying to think about the fact that I have will power and that I'm in control. I should learn to forget the fact that it was over.

Its boring, since yesterday i had a stressful day.  Hmmm... maybe overwhelming? hmmm.. just very sad... confusing and emotional, everything was wrong... i didn’t expected to happen. 
i really feel like i am losing it.  part of me feels like i am further away from her than ever, like im such a disappointment and ass. but then another part of me is telling me this is the real turning point, and that there is absolutely no going back. i really don’t know where im going and just ugh, tired...  the hate i have for myself and hate for just living. and going through every day. I felt that i live in hell.... depressing and a whiney complaining asshole.

ahwell... i should get over it and stop being so unappreciative.

my mood: 8.5/10.

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HIV

Whew!!! i know It's been a long time since i wrote a blog about my life as day leaps another day..

So now, im back. but where would i start? I guess i made it already CHEATER and as i am writing this blog.. im sitting here on my bed.. listening to the song that i made and i upload it in youtube and of course it fits my current life..

thinking of what else of to do next... kinda lonely.. remembering the girl i used to love so truly and cheated me a several times before it's already over..the girl who gave me reason to be careful of my heart next time... the girl who wasted my love and trust...

i never thought could be this complicated at very moment.. she cheated with me.. replacing me with a guy that she don’t even know, she just met him only at the pub, grrrr... i wish she acquire HIV.. ohh god.. you may think it's absurd but..i took the pain for almost 3 months in the last time she cheated me... our relationship end up with nothing but lies...

im trying to smile now..im learning more.. im always hurt.. im always left.. i feel so alone..

now, im scared to love again..but who knows? im still young and could find someone better than her..

I guess that i should keep myself busy.. i wanna start a new life without her.

i want to forget my sorrow..and hope things will get better..sooner or later.. cheater! Lier!

my mood: 8.9/10.

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Cheater!

Yesterday, 3:30PM I arrived in my flat, felt tired and dizzy then I slightly drop my body on my bed, to have a rest a bit. while i am in my state of  being tired i fall asleep. I woke up 11:30 PM and she pop ups in my head, she supposed to arrive in her house at this time. 

I am worried and I care about her so I tried to call her right away. But it seems she ignored it, again I tried to call her a hundred times in a different mobile number she had, and I'm disappointed she don't care to answer my phone calls. She doesn't give an effort to text me or to call me back if she's all right... or she's alive... whatever... she don't bother herself to inform me, or even got a chance to let me know what happen to  her, but she doesn't care. she doesn't care  about my feelings...  she don't love me...

anyway, I cannot do anything about it. i tried to stop her not to commit something not good or something that it might hurt me, but i cant stop her, she did it anyway...damage has been done.

I've loved you all along, i cared for you. I looked forward to being with you forever. I have a lot of dreams for us. It's my first time to be this serious in a relationship, but what have you done? you cheated on me many times...with the person you really don't know, cheap. How could you do that to me.. you broke my heart into pieces. Now don't try to fix me..I'll be in ashes... i dont know where to place myself now... lier!

and i am depressed and i cried all day.

my mood: 7.6/10.

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writing my pain

I finds myself in front of the computer once again. writing my pain… Not sure where to start.  I look around at this place, I saw four corners of my room, mess.... hmmp. Don’t need to put decoration,  i live alone, nobody cares me here… nobody does do.  

getting tired... Getting old… overtime at work everyday from 7am to 10pm its really exhausted. there is no time to wash and clean my stuff. feeling stress all day. food wont work. but care and love would be nice.

Perhaps I need to get on with it then.  Start new, maybe later it will. Just to wait and see..

my mood:5.5/10.

till there was you 1

Write text here...

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im sad

Started to read some of my previous blogs.. and I've been hanging around for some time now.

I don’t know why I write again...  perhaps im sad.

i feel so sad today, really so very sad. i found that she dont love me ever since... i hate myself.

my mood: 6.5/10.

I still have this mood swing

Happy! Am I? yes I am at the moment! Sometimes no. I still have this mood swing. I cant control it. But it's so fleeting. Anyway, I was very happy this weekend because I’ve got plenty of overtime perhaps it will continue till next week. I don’t care about the basketball that I am in, we’re loser anyway, beside the team is not complete, others already went back to their own assigned job location.

Feeling tired at work but i enjoyed every second of it. gotta earned lotta money to keep this month. Gotta lotta things to do next year. I'm planning to quit my job and find another one. I let my mind wander. Was I happy with my job??? I was, I am... but it’s just not the same kind of happy I was before. Its almost as if happy is transparent now, where before it was solid. Of course, i always think about her and there were times before that I was sad or scared or frustrated or even angry, but the foundation of my feelings was happiness. Now that is all upside down.

Happiness does not stay for long, it flits thru my heart, warms it a bit, then disappears. I am grateful that it makes an appearance at all, believe me. But I wish it would stay. I can see improvement, and that gives me hope. I am 'better' for longer periods now, there is more good time between the bad. So that is a good thing, it lets me know that maybe someday, the good will outweigh the sadness in my heart again. But I have hope, that thing with wings...it flutters.

my mood: 1.5/10.

Joven and Me Movie

Swimming In Paradise!!

Swimming In Paradise!!

I'll be there for youxxx

Happy Birthday Janet!

I love you everyday Baby!

Holiday Together 2010

Swimming Adventure!

Swimming In Paradise!!

Joven and Me Movie

naaalala ka

through the years

Dayo 2 Sept 2010

samsung galaxy S i9000 hottest model of the year 2010

Dont ever go away

panahon na naman

i started to think about you

aytb Yanbu basketball 2009 highlights

i dont want to be this way

Harmony Hills Baptist Church

it is glory just to walk with him

Family swimming august 2010 PART 2

love moves

family swimming August 2010 part 1

i hate to go

dayo Sept 2010 game 1

loving you

upside down

lets fly away...

no more counting days

no more counting days... there is always days for tomorrow...

another day have just passed me by... no more tears... i leave everything behind... thats why i didnt post a blog for a month..

another day gone.,., never to come back.,., another day wasted., and yet to be rested.,., im so frustrated that another day come away., without me noticing it.,. i've done nothing to stop it., ive done nothing to make it somewhat different to the rest of the days that passed me by.,,. i just sit at my work and do the job that suppose to be done.

now writing again here in front of this freakin' computer.,,., i've been here.,., alone.,.without anyone noticing that i've been here,., guess they just don't care.,. sometimes.,.. crazy ideas crept in my mind,.,.

now im okay.. feeling better...

 my mood: 1.5/10

I didn’t get her Idea

day 296

I don’t know what my best friend up to..?! I didn’t get her Idea.. she don’t want me.... but she was still keep calling me, email.. leave message on facebook and chatting on YM… she doesn’t say anything good but only hatred… she just want to voice out her feelings with me.. because I cheated her… and i know.. she's in pain.... she cant accept the thing that i've cheated her.. i have my reasons and she doesnt understand it..... but i trully love her... she's the one for me... i already give up my girlfriend and i want her to stay with me...

anyway, I said sorry….. and she said…. She already forgive me but the cut leaves a mark… that’s why she don’t want to stop talking.. arguing with me till she don’t felt satisfy with my answers.. she’s freakin me out… everyday… I feel sad and down she wasn’t forgive me yet…. She cant accept it….

my mood: 6.5/10.

i’ve been cheating

day 295

Every day I'm trying to do my best to jot down the thoughts that flows daily.... but sometimes i cant… I don't even know where to start. I haven't been writing at all much lately. i don't know why I cant write much.. I'm down… and pretty sad for what was happening to me in the past few days.

she’s leaving me… and I felt there is no turning back… she hated me so much… I know it was my fault…. I cheated them… and I accepted it.. and they cant forgive me… and I'm losing them both… now I'm not cleaning my room its totally mess up... life my life its totallly mess up.. Everything is not well organized. i just don't care anymore. it took me weeks to see my bedroom floor because what's the point right?

I cant believe that though it was only online relationship you will fall in love as well I never knew that… I'm deeply inlove with her but the problem is she just came late… I had a girl friend before she exist… but what the hell am I doing.. why i entertained her…. I should not let her step in into my life… and now I fall in love with her and she's my best friend… and I want to spend my days with her….

Its too hard to accept that both girls they know already… my best friend and my girlfriend they know that i’ve been cheating them…

my mood: 7.5/10

it just disappeared

day 294

I have something so desperately? well i do!! something that i used to be, something like to be loved... but then just a click of time it just disappeared right into my eyes...

I've been thinking, what have i done wrong? then i figured out the answer..i didn’t know that it will come to an end that's why i didn’t take good care of it...but then i realize that iv'e been too care free and sometimes took advantage of it...

now that i've lost it, i don't go out like i used to. ive been avoiding my friends, i lost my confidence.

but then i'm still praying to God to give me another chance to have it again...and i promise to take good care of it like my life would depend on it!!!

my mood: 6.7/10.

running a fever

day 293

I go to work today... i woke up running a fever and a splitting headache.. while I'm at the office I cant work properly... i want to go back to sleep, but I cant....yet I wish I didn’t came to work today…. It's to think that love is really depressing ... I cant clean my room now a days.. I'm not eating properly... I feel that I'm going to die… i want to lock myself at the closet… forever... so nobody could see me down..

I feel alone… my blogs cant help… I'm just writing all my rants and my depressing thoughts it doesn’t help….. I need to talk to for someone… but I guess there’s nobody wants to talk to me… i didnt remember when the last time i've been happy... im feel sick and nobody's around me... i want to go home.. to where i live..im just wasting my time here.. nobody cares...

my mood: 5.6/10.

She doesn’t really love me

Day 292

I don’t know why I don’t have a great day... heavy hearts, heavy feelings.. depressed.. love wasn’t good at me… it so hard for me to have it… I don’t have any luck at it… God it was so depressing..., I felt that I'm goin crazy.

i had a bad conversation with her always…. me and I has always had a bad arguments I thinking it we cant get through all of these…. Fuck…. She’s fucking freak me out… I always see her comments to the other guy…. But even one comment at my wall you will not read it… damn…. I feel shit… I know from the start she just only playin aroung at me she’s not real…. She doesn’t really love me… I'm tired… I give up..

anyway she don’t love me at all.

my mood: 7.8/10.

didn't feel alright

Day 291

it's past midnight again... and yet, again, i still can't sleep... i went to youtube... I watch all of my music I just created… it looks fine... I listened to it, again… again and again..... I want to feel the music that I heard thinking that im there at the very moment…, i was at 2am already when I glance at the clock... I consume all my time just listening for my music videos that i created..... a full day I am sad and feeling alone feeline... besides, i didn't feel alright all the time since… she left me.... she always keep on thinkin about her pain…

but how about me.. !? I feel the pain as well, i'm getting these bouts of headache again... as a matter of fact, im having it now... and some fever... i guess, triggered by stress and emotions... the red light is turned on again... if i ever black out, then i'm gonna have to see the doctor... oh i hate it... it would mean another round of medications once more... i've been out of meds for more than a 8 months now...i hate my depression… i hope it doesn't come back... oh the pain that comes with it... too much... oh please no more needles...

My mood:7.6/10.

one of those days

Day 290

It was another one of those days today. Everything seemed out of place...and everyone figured I was just in a bad mood. I find myself having these days more often. I don't ask for them, they just happen. And I find myself going home, wishing I could take back everything I did that day. But it's not like it's a mystery, I know exactly what causes it all.

Oh but it doesn't really matter does it? I'm sitting here talking to myself. How much lower can I go? I bet someone can find a way to push me further though. They always seem to know all the little things that can tear at my dignity. But they're so oblivious, what with their personal lives and all. They don't realize how hard they step on me. I don't know why I bother anymore. I am talking, but none is listening. I've gotten used to this feeling......being alone......

I guess u become numb to it after a while.

My mood:7.5/10.

love moves in mysterious way

day 289

With a smile

day 288

Friday morning

day 287

Friday morning I woke up early 5:30 am, I'm doing this every Friday just to play my game, basketball… me and my friends always arrived at the gym early because we don’t want to play at the second game.

The gym open at 6:30am and we are already on the front door… waiting for the time to open… I stayed at the gym for almost half of the day…. So it takes a long hours… staying there just playin and do chatting while waiting for the next game… although I am at my leisure time I always thinking about what I was worrying about every time… It never comes into my head that it will happen… I know there is another problem to be consider on her side and thats why we can't get wed this year… and and its not in the list of our plan...

however, because of the custody of her children… she postponed the wedding… I can't do anything about it just to understand her…. and I always kept on thinking about it every day since she started to open up to me….

I feel the sadness for the past few days… and she’s freakin me out....

my mood: 6.7/10.

heavy feeling

day 286

Thursday, I woke up late with a heavy feeling this morning…. I am always worried about all the disappointmen I had inside me, the feeling that I can't let it out…coz everything’s turn out wrong… I felt that my spirit is isn't connected to the rest of my body... it was like having a very bad day, I felt lost and lonely... I hate it when I am feelin like this.

I am not able to sleep well till 2:00 a.m every day... i miss the happiness, I miss the laughing thing when I am with her, I miss everything.

Anyway, i'm still not sleepy yet, i can go online... chat.. surf... anything to be busy... i'm getting so tired of being sad... i wanna start being happy... i know there are a lot of stuffs to be sad and stressful about... but i'm leaving them for some time and concentrate on being happy for a while... i'll just go back to those when i have to..... I just need to put something that I could make myself busy till I close my eyes…. tomorrow is another day...

my mood: 5.5/10.

the month of my birthday

day 285

All I can see is disappointments, I really don’t like the month of may.... the month of my birthday.… everything is a totally crap… i don’t more I could do… I'm losing my will to fight… I don’t know when these will be over… I am not enough or even close, I'm pretty tired, my best is never good enough, there’s nothing I do is right.

Because all I do is disappoint…. Everything is turnout totally failure… I'm losing hope, I know I can't win this fight, So tired of being second option…. I never been good..

my mood: 7.8/10.

horrors of love

day 284

Its absolutely turns out pretty different as i planned i never thought the plans was changed i hate it.... its turn out to be totally different, it turns out totally ugly...

now i dont know where to go.. its Like you never knew where it really end. Now, when you think you're in love with this person then the situation turns ugly. You not only feel betrayed but you're disgusted with your feelings and everything that happened between you was a shame.

You can't help but feel hatred, anger, loneliness. In most cases you can't find the upside to this situation becasue it's not there. i felt that i don't exist. i never been a priority.. 

Now moving on is the tricky thing because the betrayal, the inability to trust is there and the only way for it to go away is to find trustworthiness somewhere else, which in most cases won't happen or takes time to happen.

Life isn't a fairy tale where fairies are magical and the princess and prince charming are total asshole. the real life is a hell hole filled with crapshoots and boobietraps.

there's No love anymore. i know there is another problem will exist... I've been waiting for it for months to let that out, now that I had see it.. i can move on from the horrors of "love", Nothing good has come from it for me. 

6.5/10.

oh Monday

Day 283

The world is not enough… my mind is full of shit… there is nothing seems okay… this Monday.. oh Monday.. on my mind to day so much stuff that I could say it out.. I need to vent it out..

There is so much on image on rushing through my mind i want it to stop i want to cut it out damn I hate myself.... I want to stop everything.. wanna destroy everything... I'm just pretty darn sad… i want everything to just stop all over again..... I can't sleep and i haven’t slept in so long.. i feel like a zombie… a dead man walking… I'm so dead n im soo tired...

but I need to sleep.. i rather need to sleep forever... I need to take mo sleeping pill just to knock down myself..

my mood: 5.5/10.

I can tell you nice things

day 282

I walked at the street to home and while walking my tummy felt hungry i remember that i wasnt eat my lunch yet, then I went to catering for my dinner catching the restaurant before it close for prayer…anyway, just I sat for a minute the waiter asked me and he said “why you are not smiling, you always comes here and you just eat and go?” then I replied to him “I am not that type of person that always smile all the time…but I can tell you nice things…” then he said ”well okay then… enjoy your dinner..” I said ”you’re welcome… alligator.." i whispered... file://yess/.. that was nice reply...

my mood: 4.6/10.

send email in the universe

day 281

There were days I know I'm not quite what I am expected to myself... I always look up at the sky and ask that if I can send email outside the universe… and let my thoughts float in the empty space…

it could be possible in the near future that humans can send email on mars or any other planets that support life..?! I believe life exist in the other planets.. more advance than ours… more intelligent.. than humans…

anyway I really like to send email or to send text messages at the outer space or at the nearest galaxy… can we do that? Perhaps when that happens I know I'm pretty damn dead…starting from today it counts…

it just an idea …

Happy Birthday!

day 280- part 2

happy birthday to myself!. Enjoy? Happy? supposed to be. this is supposed to be my day... everybody may greet me. but if you don't, none of those will matter. this is the saddest birthday i had. How I will make it better? i didnt even buy a fucking cake! nobody even wants to talk to me... they only just greet and leave...

i miss you so much. if you only knew. thank you for this day. I hope it will get better.

my mood: 6.7/10.

i always think too much

day 280

This is me… I guess this is really me… and my problem perhaps is myself, i always think too much. Even I went to my friends just for having fun… I still thinking for some other things… for what next….. I am always worried…

sometimes I was watching DVD movies in my room while I am lying down on my bed, my mind goin farther and i was thinking yesterday and the day before... I wasn’t focusing to what I am watching… then ill click the rewind button and back down. I am still thinking for some other thing… I always getting worried….

There is lots i am thinking about, and i rather not make a huge long list saying everything what i am thinking cause i dont know what the fuck im thinking about. I might know a little but not all of them, im just thinking too much.

my mood: 5.5/10.

to go in some place

Day 279

I try to write something on here daily, but now a days I write less, I always write to cover up my empty blogging days and I save it into my email drafts then when I get home I published but some other times I forgot to post the damn rant thing., I'm pretty lazy....., sucks… I don’t know why the IT blocked my blog site…..i didn’t say bad or offensive words I used or some explicit content thing… anyway.. I don’t care…the good thing is I'm okay, my mood was okay. but I think it will be healthy for me to at least write something and post once a day.

my work is good, I'm not pressure… and I'm doin pretty much okay in here… at the moment…. But I am freakin out for being alone…. I need someone to be with me… now I can accept that I cant live alone…and if there’s an opportunity for me to go in some place and try to find a job there. I'm thinking of taking it. It's got its share of risk involved - I don't know if I'll be able to find a job there - but I'm thinking I'm going to try. If I end up going over there and not finding a job, at least I'll have gotten away from home for a while. It's worth a try, right?

anyway, I am still waiting for something new to come…

My mood: 4.5/10.

end of the day

Day 278

Today, I have lots of deadline to finish, I am busy.. and I love being busy… and I am Just keeping myself busy onto the end of the day I need to forget things out… I'm not good enough… am tired for ranting… I want to keep myself be busy..

Got home lie down and fall asleep in the middle of the day or when i rest awhile… Then back up late night and feeling hungry I forgot to eat my dinner…ever since I’ve been here I never cook, I wasn’t cooking. I just go to the restaurant and order my meal.. that’s it… i took heavy meal..once its either lunch or dinner…. I don’t know If it will affect my health…. I guess I don’t like to eat to. much if I felt full.

then back to my room and checked some emails… cleanin up my inbox…deleting some not important messages… Then went back to sleep.

my mood: 5.5/10.

my dinner

day 277

It was around 10:00 pm, I guess, when I finished I wasn’t tired, though, so I looked out the window for a while. It wasn’t sandstorm any more, but once in a while you could hear a car somewhere passing along the road.

I feel hot. I grab my towel and have some shower to refresh myself. I felt my stomach hungry, I wasn’t eating heavy meal since in the morning, I just ate egg sandwich and milk on my breakfast. I ate burger and fries on the afternoon. I know it was less but my tummy feels full, so there is no reason to eat more while I'm full. So I decided to have my dinner when I felt hungry.

I went to the restaurant and i order some heavy meals for me, i ate steam fish with mayonnaise, and vegetables, one soft drink and water… it seems that my mouth needs to taste the juicy of the steam fish… wow…hmmpp ... taste... delicious... I guess.. I will need more rice....

my mood: 3.5/10.

he couldn't sleep

day 276

Morning, I woke up late again, I quickly went to the bathroom take a less than a minute shower, then headed back to my room and get dress with my company uniform in a hurry. Then I rushed myself down to the parking lot, where the other guys waiting for me, am quite late.

we are on the road...and i was sitting In the backseat and my friend(indian) that next to me started snoring. Grr... it was too loud, I got irritated, I really wanted to slap his mouth so hard till it gets bleed.... since i have my ipod, I take it out in my handbag an started to play some noisy music and increase the volume, just to lessen his loud snorring thing. But suddenly he just dropped his mouth at my shoulder, I got really pissed off Grrr.... enough! is enough! I really want to kick him out at the car.... his really annoying me... my mind went dark..

i woke him up and told him that we are at the check point and need to show up our ID's. When he sat back down for half an hour later he started complaining to himself that he couldn't sleep well. Grrr... i really love to choke him to death.

my mood: 5.0/10.

no ideas to jot down

day 275

I sat here for an hour, I am thinkin what to say on my blogs, its weird, I don’t know what happen to me now a days, I publish my blogs late, and every time, I don’t know what to say or write… I can't think much, my mind are closed, no ideas to jot down.

there was a night i just stared at the text editor for long hours till i got sleep. but no thoughts or words to write down. sometime it irritates me.

my mood:5.5/10.

Just down

day 274

So the last few days I ve been feeling like total crap. Just down, totally tired.... but I always kept my thoughts jot down. I know it will help me things out inside my chest it has helped me to feel better. In my life right now I really dont have any closest friends…. I don’t have everything in here, I live alone. nothing could express my true feelings. Sometimes I just need someone to say all the things I want to hear and not tough love.

I m trying to make changes in my life to help me grow. But I think I failed. I don’t know how to be better me. I work 6 days a week, long hours, I gain nothing just for my food. I know I don’t have any future life ahead in here. I'm tired. but still there is something Is missing for me. anyway writing my rants will help me get it out and feel better instead of just keeping it all in.

my mood: 3.5/10.

keep goin

day 273

I don’t know what to say now… I guess I lost words to say. I must keep on goin, life It just keeps on going, but why I can't keep going, I can't keep this mind of mine under control. In fact I feel like I have so little of me or my life under control that it is scary. I think I am travelling along ok only to find out that this isn't the case at all. maybe again I am failing. This hurts. It hurts so much.

my mood: 3.5/10.

I am still calm

day 272

well today has been a pretty good day except for i am super tired. I washed my clothes, cleanin my room a bit, and have a lil' sleep and i woke up at 6:00pm, then I sat down and do blogging, next I open my draft mail, and took out my unpublished blogs to fill out all my empty days I left.

Tonight, I am still calm and pretty happy, although I have less mails to her, but I hope she’s okay, i hope she was thinking of me too. Anyway, I have a basketball practice tomorrow 6:00am, its been scheduled every friday, every week.

whew! I am starting to be busy for the practice till Tuesday next week. I hope every things will be fine for those time. and yet i need to sleep early so i could feel I can regain my energy in the morning.

good night...

my mood:1.3/10.

she give out happiness

day 271

Wednesday... it’s been a long one at work. the days seem to run on for weeks lately. the day start off slow...not wanting to get out of bed after my obnoxiously loud alarm clock goes off. i eat breakfast egg sandwich and hot coffee, i always eat at work. the coffee is free.

of course the time seems to return to a normal pace when I received emails from her... those are the only times i wish i could slow down and forget the time. just her presence is like a sort of haven, I thought she’s near me. where i don't worry or let the thoughts my life creep into my head(ipis-bugs). she give out happiness wherever she is. i wish i was like that, I could think positive often. Sometimes wishes never come true, but I wish it could be. oh how i wish i knew her better.... the time comes nearer…

it seems i should make a point of knowing her better. I don’t want my face seem like distant strangers to her. her voice I always miss it, I always keep listening at it. i wish i am there closer to her. i wish things would go better. i wish i could sleep through an entire night without waking up screaming into my pillow.

my mood: 2.2/10.

I just want some sleep!

day 270

I've been so incredibly tired lately, tired at work and playing basketball every night, I haven't been staying up any later than usual or waking up any earlier, although i have been waking up at like 2:00am in the morning midnight for some reason. I just want some sleep!!

But anyway.. Tonight I fell asleep, after I read some of my mails, I had a practice tonight same time as usual but I'm pretty tired, i didn’t really need to go. though, i don’t know why i go tonight I guess this is the right time to have a good sleep. By the way I am always come there every night, just for tonight i think its such a waste of time. I need to have a good sleep.

Now im lying on the couch with a blancket cause its so freakin cold!! Wow sorry about the short blog about nothing, i'll try harder next time.

my mood: 3.2/10.

Damn computer!

day 269

Damn computer! It just almost two weeks when I sent my computer at the workshop, now this damned computer has another fuckin virus, i think, its always shittin Me!! I'm gone mad! I was so happy when just came back at work until my whole system is starting to shut down! Damn virus. i guess this is gonna be a long time reinstalling if i cant fix this on my anti virus software.. I hope this is not HIV virus. Grrr.. I can't live without computer and internet…

my mood: 5.5/10

still sticking up into my dreams

day 268

The cloudy day woke me up. I lay with my arms across my eyes, groggy and dazed. Something, a dream trying to be remembered, struggled to break into my consciousness. I moaned and rolled on my side, hoping more sleep would come and then the previous day flooded back into my awareness. I don’t want to remembered those last few days fight, it still sticking up into my dreams.

i hope today is a pleasant one for me. And I still find myself feeling a little sleepy but still here and rearing to play. however, Now I'm ignoring all those upsetting thoughts from the last few days. It’s Not good to look back at it. anyway, I've been pretty tired for playing basketball, and I think it's because I made myself so busy, I've been having really strange dreams at night. Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight, if at all possible.

my mood: 4.6/10

I feel alone tonight

day 267

I just arrived from the basketball practice. I'm tired and I am wet, i went to the closet and grab some dry towel to wipe out the skin moisture at my arms and body. Then I sat and rest for a while in front of my laptop… while I am sitting here my fingers started to type at the keyboard I don’t know where it will go…

I feel alone tonight… I am always alone… I asked who do i turn to when no one is there? no one besides me…? who do you lean on when a shoulder does not exist?

I always keep thinking… I overused my mind I guess… I never learned from my past experience.. like other people says in a comment… and turns out for me a negative feedback when i read it… anyway guys thanks for the comment although its quite painful but I know it was for me to move forward.

However, sometimes some comments I over analyzing it and then self hate and then I started to blame myself for the lack of a social life that i do not have.

I guess I am stuck with my shadow from the past.

my mood: 5.7/10.

start a new day

day 266

Today, i was wake up for a call, i just remembered today is friday Ive to get up to play basketball. anyway, my feelings are still bit worried about what was happened recently, but I'm trying to start to erase everything that I had in mind for the past few days and start a new day…

And i felt so confident and full of energy, I guess I feel fine. I walked on the street head held high. It felt so refreshing, no panic attacks, no dizziness, no fear. Perhaps today I can play more better.

my mood: 2.5/10.

I can't be better

Day 265

Last night, i moaned myself to sleep... i felt like every thing's flooding on me... I felt that I can't be better, a few weeks ago, i was in a pleasant state... everything felt okay... nah!.. not every thing's okay, just a few days then... but i could face off with everything... i just need to get out for a little while then i could come back and fight all out...

I'd look forward on Fridays... I need a change, now, I'm feeling all the tension... all the stress... every thing's not good... but of course, i assured them I'll be fine... I'll be fine... not as happy but I'll get through this... i wish it just ignored me online... and did not delete me like that... i wish she realized I'm going thru pain and stress, and what she would do it’s a big question...

it was too sensitive to her... i really thought she knew me... what i did, what i do, what I'm going thru... i thought, at the very least ... to care for me even just as a person she used to laugh with, but... she didn't care about my feelings , it was something special... she didn't care if I'm hurting now coz i have to face the real thing... she just didn't care... why would she, sad... i know i cant be better.

my mood: 5.9/10.

tiny white lie

Day 264

I am so frustrated, pissed, upset, and depressed. I mean, I just have to fuck everything up, don't I? Ever since I know I was a curse, I've been a mess, but after all of the confusion, i hardly know what to do with myself anymore. I mean, I don't know who to trust. I went off now. Ive got the final decision.

but I feel so bad, when I did it and I think I really hurt her feelings, even though I know she will never admit that. I guess it’s been triggered something in me and since I have so much stress when I went off, and I just exploded.

I really shouldn’t do that, and I never think twice. i know i hurts her feelings and so do I, but I should have to do it for her own sake because I know she has a lot of responsibility, and she can't get away with it… And on top of that, I think I might have lost a really someone special.

I know she lied, and even though it was a tiny white lie, but that still really pissed me off (or upset me...I’m not really sure which) but she was one of the best and i feel like things will never be the same again…

My mood: 5.0/10.

text

day 263

Aargh!!! Damn…am late! when I woke up this morning, i jumped out of the bed, thinking i need to do a lot of stuff at work ive got lots of pending jobs… but those text early morning pissed me off and i've been so much worried about my life.. i was wondering what I am going to do now... the text thing that I wasn’t expecting…

whatda!.. fuck things happen to me... ive got a bad day…. Ive got lots worries in my head and I need to jot it down before it went off… i'm not supposed to read those unconcerned text...it pissed me off early morning at 4:30 am... my thoughts has blocked out, I can't think too much… my mood changed, I need to forgot and erased everything in my life.. I need to do something... this is it. 

I don’t want to think this way… i dont wanted to just to stay under the sheets... and do nothing all day... but i need to work... i need to do the stuff in the office, i need to work... i have to be busy... to forget all things out.. i am damn! pissed off and frustrated! grrr!

my mood: 7.5/10.

it’s all my mistake

day 262

Today, i am at work... I don’t know what to say but every day this damn question always bothers me….haaaaaaay! why do i feel like you hate me so much? why do you hate me? did I say or do something that I harm you?! why you're always mean towards me…and yet you say you’re not and that there are no harsh feelings. But you always pick up every negative words I said?

i'm starting to feel more and more distant towards you but I will say sorry, even though for you there is no sense no mo. and now i will always feel like it was my fault and then feel bad about it all in the end and it’s all my mistake…

if I talked regarding about their self, it will bounce on me they don’t want their issues to be open and talked about… and then again it will end up.. it’s my fault. I end up loser because they will goes offline. And never talked to me again.

Anyway it just a rants nothings personal…

My mood: 6.5/10.

meet the technician

Day 261

Last night I didn't sleep well, . I didn't really move either. Too much on my mind, too much to worry about. Too afraid to lose that little piece of happiness she gave me. I'm afraid to lose contact to her.

yesterday afternoon, I arrived pretty tired and sad because I don’t have my laptop to play with, I don’t know what to do if I don’t have it… i felt alone… and that’s the only thing made me felt happy every day. I took shower and go to the gym to play basketball, I'm still pretty damn down… I miss my laptop… I miss to see her every morning… I hope she miss me too…

after I finished my practice… I went direct to the shop to meet the technician… and he said there is another problem occurred… the fan affecting the processor heat sink… grrr… damn I guess it will cut me mo money… anyway I told him to fix it and I will return tomorrow to collect my laptop tonight… then I went to the net shop to publish all my save blogs that I made for the last couple days in my work every morning..

Grrrrr….

My mood: 7.5/10.

acting weird!

day 260

Saturday! good day everyone! I have a bad news today! My laptop is acting weird!… I heard a noise coming from the fan of my processor… it was so irritating, well i think it will goin to blow up... damn!

I hate SONY VIAO model VGN-CS118E… don’t buy it… I really regret to purchased it. however its only 2 years on my hand… and the first problem occurred.. it was the power supply… it always goes off... then i sent it to the workshop because it was still under warranty service…in short they fixed it..

Grrrr! again i heard this annoying sounds coming from the laptop and I can't sleep to think about it, maybe if I will not act to send it to the workshop it will getting worst… anyway tomorrow after my work I will send it to the workshop…

I have plenty of blogs left at my yahoo account draft emails… I’ve been lazy to publish my blogs lately… due to the basketball practice… but tomorrow night I will go to the net shop to fill up my empty days countdown…

I need to publish all my blogs then..

my mood: 6.5/10.

being kind

day 259

friday, im doin house works, my room was so damn quiet, i cant hear any sounds but only my aircondition, then  while im cleanin all my mess, i remember something.... and i need to write it down before it goes off..

im kind... there is no harm for being kind, I always been kind to them, but I don't know why it happens, but it does. I let myself felt down for the words that other people said. I should not took it and think everytime. it made me sick, and i should not listened to them, they just messin my life… I should know myself better by now, for all those years I’ve been depressed, why I aint learn my lesson?!

I guess its only in my mind and perhaps there was nothing to worry about it… i should stop thinkin not normal, it makes me upset.. im tired of this stupid paranoia syndrome… maybe I 'm just protecting myself from being hurt.

I hate the pain that haunts me when people leave me, but I will keep facing it, and you know I'm not a bad man… for all those people who have entered my heart and walked away....I love you and I will never forget you. But the story always has an end.

my mood: 5.5/10.

I'll stand by you - The Pretenders (with lyrics)

day 258

tonight i feel down and sad, i need to get out of this sad feelings and i decided to surf and find something to enjoy but instead i found this sad song, anyway i love music, it makes me happy always, then i listen to it...

i really love the music when i heard it, the lyrics, and the rythym wow it was cool... it was so nice to sleep while i am listening to this song... i love it..

my mood: 5.6/10.

thats my life goes

day 257

Today I'm sitting in front of my laptop, feeling so tired and drained. I'm not well today my face turn red due to basketball practice, my lip hurts because of the elbow smashed on it, then after I played I’ve got headaches and muscle pains for some sort of tiredness I guess.

I went home and take some nap, and i go back to drug store to buy meds for my headaches, well it’s pretty tiring i guess....., but that's my life goes.

I feel pretty rather lonely today but my mood It’s not as bad as it has been. I need to sleep a little more, to lessen my exhausted feelings..., and still Life is going to move forward, so the time. I can’t wait till I can see this girl I love...whew another more month will pass and I’ll be home soon.

I wish tomorrow is my vacation, I wish in the morning when I wake up she’s besides me, i can look at her and kiss her while she's sleeping. wow she’s amazing. I guess I really do need to sleep, my mind starting to dream again.

my mood: 2.5/10.

lets try

day 256

Today, I don't feel any better, I don’t know why but it seems I need to say something here. Every day as I always thinkin for a better well plan life, well maybe a little more better I can say in just a few days and ready to accept my lesson and move on with life. There is no need for me to stay stuck in the past, when moving forwards all you got left. I already forget everything, I already accepted everything that it happened.

That is how I feel today, but I have a feeling I'll still have a good day everything has its reasons for happening, even when we could have prevented them. We did it for some reason for some insane thought we thought we were right.

well lets try to have a happy day nothing can get worse until you try!

my mood: 3.5/10.

what people made them happy!

day 255

Tonight I can't sleep. I don't know what's wrong with me.. I feel down a bit… but I know everyone has their ups and downs. But right now, even though nothing is really going on, I need to cheer up… It’s been almost two days I haven’t slept well… I need to feel something different… I just want to be happy! I don’t know what people made them happy…!

Anyway… what are some things that makes you happy? just doing things I like make me happy…, hmp Singing makes me happy… but people get upset if they heard my voice… so i sing at the bath room... and playing games online. playing strategy games... Red Alert command and conquer.. its old but i really like it.

grrr.. it’s very difficult to live alone. I just always talkin to myself… I laugh all the time, and smile, I get exited allot too. Now a days , every things went fine.. And I like it when everything is just fine, and there is no trouble. I hate fighting, because fights suck. It's a lot better when everyone is happy.

This might sound strange, but smiling will make you feel better even if you are sad or upset. so smile.. besides it will make you feel youger...

good night..

my mood: 4.5/10.

sipping my green tea

day 254

Life isn’t a game, once you’re dead your dead… driving a car in here it seems like you are at race, they drive so fast and insane. But I need to drive slowly for my own protection… I arrived exactly 7:00 am… then I went to the kitchen, fill my empty mug with hot water and dropped two bags of green tea…

Yep.. just sipping my green tea and relaxing.. nobody’s around so need to relax a bit.. man..! can't wait til today's over… tomorrow i have to be at the gym before 6:00am instead of 7:00am, be on time theres no harm on it... by the way.. I'm having a tummy now… it seems that I'm pregnant… damn it! gym exercise wasn’t affect anything to me… haaay..! i need more work out i guees! i already stayed at 68kgs. but i need to weigh 65kgs before my vacation... i wish i could have it..

so i have to have a lighter breakfast for a reason... I am going on vacation in a few months, i really need to reduce my weigh a bit…....

my mood: 3.5/10.

we will be together

day 253

Saturday, first day of basketball practice, I'm not feelin good tonight… I'm not in the mood to play basketball, but Im already there so why not give it a try. then I played.

I'm pretty tired, when I got home, but I wanted to write a bit about my feelings. I really wanted to say something but I don’t know how to express it in words.. in English. then i remember the good things….

It’s been a month I haven’t wrote a good blogs to read… I wonder if I could write something better tonight.

so I dreamt and I always say it and i write that we were being together forever… and l always mentioned it to her… I guess I would rather think this is the idea, to tell the story where we tried to be together, but at the moment we couldn’t do it because of the gap we were facing... but I hope it will not come to your mind that one day you were stop trying.

I love you, I love everything about you, and I will always do, and I will do the best for you. You know, I really wish today is the day to be with you, I would like to hold you and cuddle you each time that i hold you in my arms. Day dreaming about the day at the airport, how it could be…?! What it will gonna be? I hope this dreams it won’t be over… ill be happy… If you will do so..

Anyway, I just thinking, I hope you will not leave me. I am glad I got to love you as I do. I always do. i promised we will be together soon.

my mood: 3.5/10.

don’t know what to write

day 252

I don’t know what to say tonight, no ideas, and I am starting to write what the first words that comes out into my mind. anyway I decided to remember the good things, what I would miss to write about for the past few days…about love? I always write about love! Hmmp.. I think I am a romantic guy…hahahaha.. I guess! I would rather think that I am… hhahaha!

I'm quite stupid tonight… don’t know what to write… it seems im into drugs… but I'm not…!i’ve never been into that situation before… it’s not my type… I’ve been a bad boy but.. but never been into drugs… 

anyway, today is friday.. im busy doin house works..... do not disturb!

my mood: 4.5/10.

most provably negatives

day 251

Thursday I really don’t know what it seems in Thursday it was a bad day for me, I felt too crappy. Nobody wants to talk to me, i feel down,  i cant work very well. But when it rains, it pours. Unless you expect the unexpected, you will never find truth, for it is hard to discover and hard to attain the reality what lies ahead.

I should care about myself for now on. They just bluffing, i should not trust anyone.. however, today I felt pretty not inspired, i had a really bad mood..i dont know what was happening to me, i really dont understand why it was affecting me too much.

Bye the way I should not really right something like these "negatives"… If I look bact at it,I will be sad and i will be upset although my vents I wrote here most provably negatives. but this is me... this is what i live for. So if you feel somewhat like me.. don’t read my blogs it will not help you. find some positives blogs that can lift up your spirit.

my mood: 5.5/10.

i always been tempted

day 250

Wednesday, there is no new things, if you darn ask me… I always be the same guy you know. Anyway I'm sorry for some comments that I’ve been able to delete, I know you are pretty upset. sorry.

I'm sorry that I always wrote depressing blogs I know it’s not worth it, if you don’t like it don’t read it. now I'm reducing the amount of times I swear, I should fight, the game that has been already started. It's really bad. They choose me to play. So yes, no more swearing. I always say it, but I don't want to have a foul mouth, I don’t want them to hate me. she always been hate me.

So tonight, I seriously I didn't want to go at work tomorrow because of my lack of sleep tonight... now it’s too late, I’ve got a few hours to sleep. I know tomorrow there was no good morning. i feel sleepy now because it is almost midnight... so anyway I will just have my facebook break. I don’t know why I'm really afraid to open facebook site. but i cant stop myself to open it. i always been tempted to open it and i still did some facebook research like aka formally known as stalking.

sad but its true, that’s why most of the time if I feel happy. I really don’t want it to open. Damn I know I am right, It will killed my happy mood streak, I swear my life tends to do that a lot. My mood will go down so quickly and so hard. i should not go there.. 

Up to now, I'm still sad. I want to have some fun and forget about it for a bit. But I can't.

I really need to focus. This is my future now. If I want to succeed, I need to give it my all. But we'll see whatever happens.

I hope for the good, and I'm praying for the good.

my mood: 5.3/10.

I wanted to write a bit

day 249

I arrived home but I'm pretty tired. it was a long day at work but I wanted to write a bit. I actually got pretty busy at work today. Anyway, the company gotta basketball league in two months our team its been assembled already and On april 17 2010, The team will start to practice till may 25 2010, and I really don’t know some other players if they got game... ill see it.

anyway I don’t care, this is the first I’ve been joined them. yet I already had done my practice every Friday morning, I’ve some fellow friends who would like me to joined them to play basketball, I started to play with them since last two Friday’s, but I will stil participate for the team practice starting from Saturday to Tuesday every night… so I guess I will be busy now..

my mood: 2.5/10.

with all my love

day 248

Day by day, dream by dream,

i love you more and more,

Each time that we're together

makes you dearer than before.

Nothing in the world means more

than sharing life with you,

You're in each plan i ever make,

you're part of all i do,

Nothing in the world could change

the love that we both share,

And the greatest joy in life for me

is knowing you are there.

With all my Love

my mood. 7.9/10.

what do i live for....?

day 247

I don’t know why, I never was like this, i was happy, i would never lock myself in my room and stay alone. I don't know what happen, what changed, it just sprung on me that i have nothing to live for. 

i wake up to nothing new, nothing exciting, my friends ask me why i don't talk much anymore, i would never answer them, I just leave and put my hands in my pocket and never look back. 

so one day they stop talking to me and left the table we sit at, but I don’t care, I can live alone and die alone, it's now a year on and i'm still the same, so tell me , what do i live for....?

my mood: 5.5/10.

Forever in my heart

day 246

Forever in my heart

are the wonderful times we’ve shared… 

And all the special ways in which 

you show your and care 

Forever in my heart 

are the wonderful things you do.. 

You make my world a better place 

simply by being you. 

Forever in my heart is the love you’ve given me… 

And forever in my heart will be 

My love for you – endlessly. 

You belong forever in my heart 

You’ve filled every single part… 

You’re the one I love with all my heart. 

You mean everything to me. 

my mood: 1.4/10.

i am getting old?

Day 244 

today, friday, i was supposed to do my house works routine. I wake up early morning, 4:00 am… sun doesn’t goes down yet… a bit chat.. then going to play basketball at the gym… I played 4 times one after another…, my mind was thinking good and playing good. 

But suddenly strange things happened while I am playing on the court, I can't move fast, I can't ran fast, I’ve got back pain… gosh perhaps i am getting old… my body, my arms, my legs, it getting’ stuck… i couldn’t play a better game anymore, but I know I got game. 

However, i haven’t played since the last basketball league in my company starting from October 2009 till April 9 2010 present day. It's almost 7 months now. Maybe I need to get back my footwork… I need more practice.. because there will be another basketball tournament on June 2010. Better to be prepared, done doing nothing. 

My mood: 1.6/10